Oh Purple, I’m so sorry. It is so heartbreaking. Also, figuring the practicalities out is difficult, especially when you feel low and so exhausted. Just take your time as much as you can.
So I’ve returned after my time away and… he’s only gone and got one and is currently using plus smoking/drinking. I’m really, really upset by it. I don’t want to live around that or in this environment but I’m stuck here in limbo.
Like you, I had this glimmer of hope when I left as he seemed genuinely remorseful especially about the impact of his actions on others and wanting to quit etc. While I was away, I thought he was not using and that he’d agreed to stop. Now I think he was using bits he found that he’d forgotten about or on a come down that I, thankfully, wasn’t witnessing.
When I came back, I could tell he wasn’t right by his facial expression and his general appearance/demeanour. He was quickly reactive and abusive towards me despite me not having actually done anything of note. I could tell by looking in the fridge and freezer how much he’d eaten and what he had eaten. It told me a lot about where he is at… also the house was turned upside down in some areas and generally very untidy and needed cleaning.
I’m literally looking at him feeling completely opposing emotions. On the one hand, I’m angry and incredulous and on the other hand, I’m so sad to see him in the grips of such a severe addiction that his life is currently completely ruled by it. He cannot seem to quit… how sad is that?!
This is my child’s father and he’s destroying not just his life but ours as well.
Anyway, like you… I’m just trying to focus on other things… practical things and anything to help our child cope.