Hi Gardenfence
Thank you again for coming back to me.
Yes you are 100% right about your last comment. Family means everything to me.
I was Brought up by my grandparents and so have that outlook on life. Trust, honesty, hard work but most importantly family.
Unfortunately neither of them are around anymore and that was part of the problem.
We have had the worst run of luck since my wife’s father passed nearly 4 years ago. You have never met two people more alike. They were even born in the same day.
Since then it has been one thing after another constantly. Then mix COVID into the mix and boom.
My wife has admitted that she started taking to cope with everyday life and it got out of control. As things so easily do.
I do understand addiction very well as I smoked cannabis for 30 years. And only stopped 8 months ago when things were getting out of hand and I wanted to have clarity and not have my judgement clouded in any way.
My financial situation is a precarious one but I have that in check. I have spoken to our IFA and I intend on taking out some equity from the house to pay everything off and free my find of the stress. It’ll set me back 5 years but I will be totally worth it.
Counselling is definitely something I will consider should my head state worsen. But I am coping at the moment and have family and friends that are supporting me as well as helping out with my 7 year old occasionally which is great. I am very lucky in that respect.
It is the future that scares me. Not knowing what’s going to happen. I am trying so very hard to understand how my wife is feeling and not overwhelm her with doubt, questions or anything that could drive her from her path to recovery. As when I have asked questions in the past she runs away, which is her defence mechanism.
Your right I am an adult and I am making adult decisions especially when it comes to my girls welfare. I do everything for them and to be honest it’s the only thing that really keeps me going at the moment.
I continue to run the business, but single handed and my work days are short due to the school run.
I sometimes wish I could just push a switch and make my feeling for her go away. After everything she has done you would think that would be easy. But it’s not. I love her but I don’t recognise or understand her anymore.
Although I do realise that this is due to her addiction. She does nothing to help out when she is at home and makes more mess than the children do. I am constantly cleaning up behind her.
She has a new group of friends that she spends all of her time with. I don’t know any of them and they get her full attention.
We have hardly seen her for the past 3 days and stayed out last night.
Although I am sure that she has not been taking anything. Or at least that is what I am hoping.
She has told me that being at home is a reminder of what she has done and the pain she has caused to us all.
I sort of understand what she means but surely home is the best place to start the healing process.
ReBuilding her relationship with her children and then myself sounds like the best course of action to me however she is very mindful of her appearance and mind state around the girls as depression is a major factor at the moment.
My main worry at the is that at some point soon a switch will go off in my head, I will stop caring about her and concentrate of myself and my girls.
Most of my close friends told me ages ago to let her get on with it, and many other things I won’t say. So why am I still trying to help her Gardenfence? Am I stupid, A mug, A cash cow.
It hurts so very much to think that she is using me.