I was the same, fidgety and not being able to sit still. My head said I had to sit still but my body couldn’t, the battle was so obvious to see yet I thought I was disguising it, like the emperor wearing clothes when in fact he is completely stark naked. There was many a night when my wife went to sleep on her own, how selfish of me, my life partner forced to go to sleep on her own in our wonderful bed while I was downstairs rotten to the core, sniffing, drinking and watching porn – absolutely hideous.
The amount of self-pity I took on to hide my behaviours was appalling. The lies about a cold, sore throat, mental health etc just kept snowballing to create that barrier that was my behaviour was because little old me just wasn’t well.
The meals – oh lord. I wouldn’t eat for 2 days at times and my go to was unhealthy alternatives. It seemed I had developed a real fetish for crisps, like I wouldn’t eat anything all day and I’d resort to 5/6 packets of crisps, what grown man does this? I’d pretend I had eaten some meals while making the plate look it had been used chucking out whatever I’d eaten in the outdoor bin. There were all other sorts of bizarre habits I developed to create smoke and mirrors. See what I mean by this whole charade becoming exhausting? As I type this it does remind me of the completely erratic and disillusioned behaviour an addict will go to so they can protect their existence.
I guess my reasoning for being here is to help loved ones rationalise the rather irrational behaviour that addicts undertake and to give you hope you are not mad. I made my poor wife feel as if she was losing her marbles. I had become an expert in hiding my usage and being creative in where I left my blood soaked curled up notes and all those cocaine bags (sofa cushions being my best hiding place). Anyway, there isn’t much I don’t know about addiction so if anything I type helps then some good has to come out of what was an enitrely miserable existence.