<p style=”text-align: left;”>Wow, Survivor7. First of all I’m so sorry for all you went through but well done to you for staying strong.</p>
Secondly, I feel like I really needed to read this tonight so I owe you a huge thank you. For the first time in my life tonight I had a fleeting thought that I may as well kill myself (I don’t feel like that now). I had a huge fight with my other half and a said I wished he would die. I don’t. I really do not wish that. I’ve spent so long being scared that would happen due to his addiction that I think I think i just blurted it out to try and hurt him like I had been hurt. Of course I immediately felt awful, I felt like everything he has said – that I’m nasty and it’s all my fault – I felt like it was all true. That I was to blame for everything. He is always putting me down and making me feel like crap and it all just got on top of me tonight. I felt so bad about myself, so defeated, like I was trapped and it was mever going to get any better. I had nothing left.
I came on here as it always gives me strength. It reminds me that it isn’t me, that is him (or rather his addiction) talking. They are all the same, coming out with the same excuses, accusations and insults, to make you feel crazy. They don’t care one bit about what it’s doing to you, just what they can get away with.
Your post made me realise how I am normalising his behaviour and as a result doubting myself. I’m letting myself be spoken to and treated in a way that I should never put up with. I’m walking on egg shells in my own home. I’m scared to say the wrong thing in case it triggers him when in reality I’m not triggering him… he’s just using me as an excuse. He’s making an absolute mug out of me and I’m letting him and feeling bad about it in the process! If someone else told me they were putting up with this I’d tell them to run a mile. I’d say what the hell are you doing with him? Yet here I am. I need to get a grip.