Hi Jenna
No need to thank me for my posts, I wish life was as straight forward for all of us that such experiences shouldn’t be called upon. However life isn’t a straight upward trajectory and there’ll be ups and downs. With the downs let’s share the experiences to make it easier for one another to get through it all together so the ups are even higher.
Most humans are born good and we just lose our way along the journey called life. Key thing is how far do you want to look within and change what you see in the mirror. How badly do you want to dig deep and fight?
My wife, yes – she’s an absolute angel, an angel I took for granted for far too long and nearly lost it all. It often takes such consequences to realise and wake up that you could lose it all. I wasn’t that far from this point and what a difference a year makes (Feb 28th 2022 was my awakening).
So how did my wife support me? Well, initially she was kind and understanding however this was due to me using a facade – mental health to cover up my addiction. My erratic behaviour was blamed on anti-depressants that I was taking (truth was I never needed them). I pushed and pushed using my words as artilery to defend my position (without anyone knowing my addiction). One day it dawned on me that my words held no weight anymore and this was the turning point.
Once I came clean my dear wife understood all of my behaviour was due to my addiction and joined all of the dots. It all made sense now and at the same time it didn’t, how did her hubby end up this way? I had to come to the table for her to see I was serious about change, only then could she support me. I gave up all access to finances retaining only Apple Pay (I always thought in my earlier days what would’ve happened if the dealer ever accepted Apple Pay?!) and all of my time along with behaviours accounted for. Once I came to the table could she then be of real support else it’d all have been a lie. She could only really support once she saw a change as I’d taken her love for granted for far too long. I shared my feelings, my thoughts, any urges unequivocally. There was no stone left unturned. In life to get, you have to give. I got support in abundance as she knew there was still the man she fell in love with inside somewhere.
Now you see where I am going with this, he has to come to the table first. You can only show him the consequences of what will happen if he continues in this way. He then has 2 distinct choices, either change or choose the powder. He can continue to choose the powder and the consequences can get worse until, he’s no longer your problem (easier said than done).
His symptoms are typical really of a cocaine user. Him seeing a therapist is a great start but was this his choice or did you coerce him into this? This has to be him wanting the change else it will fall down, like a child who doesn’t really want to do something. Moment your back is turned they’ll revert back to doing what they want to do.
Quite often being proud can be mistaken for egotistical behaviours which dictates certain behaviours. Being one of the lads, losing your identity because you don’t do mad nights anymore, not being able to drink or sniff the most, not being the party animal you once were – all of this was a part of what I thought I’d lose and I did. However, what I gained is immeasurable (too many things to list).
As a spouse – be firm but fair. Yes he’s an addict but he’s also a grown man. Create a pact between you both, that he must not lie, if he uses he must disclose, if he feels urges he must be open. The pact could be made up of initial commandments or rules to be abided by. Both of you sign it. Sounds all airy fairy but it’s a start. As men we’re terrible at being open as we think it means weak. The change in my relationship with my wife really started to happen when I was open about everything. It struck a cord with her as she’s a woman who is used to chatting it out (hence why men and women are very different when it comes to this).
Don’t be scared of what comes out. Remember that cocaine will take you to places you never thought imaginable, it’ll make you do things you never thought possible, It feeds on extremeties. Once you’ve done something you shouldn’t have, it then rewires your brain to think what else you could do, what next to satisfy the most unsatisfiable of urges? If he starts to open up, listen and be considerate. The first few truths will be hard to listen to but let him keep talking. It’s not for you to understand but just absorb it. By him feeling like he can talk could just be the start of a sustained recovery, if you shut him down what do you think his default positon might be?
All the best to you also and remember that life is one big journey, we as humans have got to support one another for the betterment of society. We’ve got this 🙂