Hi Maddie
Firstly I’m sorry you’re going through this, I know that it must be hard for you especially not knowing how involved you should be getting right now but we’ll done on finding the forum and the fact you’re trying to educate yourself to better support your boyfriend and his family really speaks volumes.
Firstly, as always. I need to make it clear I am not a professional. I am only a guy who has suffered cocaine addiction himself to what I consider to be “as bad as it gets or very close to” meaning that I can share in my opinion the darkest truths of what addiction is like and what on my experiences an addicts thought process could be.
I will say though it sounds like your situation will require professional help for your boyfriend’s dad but I’ll do my best to give you something to start with.
Addiction, I believe is never a choice. No one decided to be an addict. But I do believe it is more often than not a by product of situation. Meaning situations in someone’s life leads them to become addicted. I saw alot. Paracetamol is a drug. If you have a headache you take a paracetamol. Cocaine is a drug. If you have emotional pain or trauma it works just like any prescription drug and takes your pain away. The same can be said for alcohol. If you have an infection in your tooth and only take pain killers, the pain will go for a short while but the infection is still there and the pain wil continue until you treat the route of the issue, much like how drugs and alcohol make the pain go away but the next day the issues are still there.
I believe drugs and alcohol are never the real issue with a person, just their coping mechanism (although they do create their own problems) and if you look past the addiction and treat the cause of why a person takes these things it will give them the best chance of overcoming their addiction.
I say this because I’m going to make some assumptions. Steve as we call him. What is his life like? To me it sounds like he lives alone. What is his relationship with his son’s like? Why did his marriage break down? It sounds to me that he has lost a great deal. Maybe when he was married he had reasons his alcohol consumption became an issue I don’t know but I’ll guess that that was a factor in the breakdown of his marriage. He now finds himself single and alone and continued to drink because it numbed him and it was his vice to deal with his emotional pain. Then he is told about the liver etc, knowing he can’t drink or shouldn’t he may of turned to cocaine as a substitute aswell as drinking smaller amounts because he still requires the need to numb his feelings. This man sounds to me like he is lonely and carries alot of issues he needs to resolve but like so many others it’s easier to mask the real issues with drink or drugs.
I do agree, a big intervention may seem patronising to him especially coming from people who don’t understand drink or drugs. There’s a huge division between the way these things are convinced by people who have never had an issue (and it seems like a huge thing to be doing cocaine) and those who are familiar with it (and see it as everyone does a bit of gear what’s the problem).
My advice to you is to be kind, non judgemental and gentle in your approach but ultimately allow your partner and his brother to take the lead but at the same time support your boyfriend and make sure he is not fooled by his dad who may try to brush it all off and play it down.
Like you are doing, try and educate yourself and your boyfriend as much as you can on addiction and use that knowledge to better understand what Steve is doing.
But the main thing I feel that needs to be addressed is the reason Steve is still using and drinking and what you all can do to help with that. Maybe it’s spending more time with him, if.his son is 22 he will be at an age where he is starting his own life and his dad may feel unimportant. As a man, imagine getting married, having children working hard for that “family life” but in your 40s or 50s ending up divorced, living alone and your children not needing you anymore. You’d have to ask yourself what your purpose is anymore!?
Do all you can to support your boyfriend and listen to him when he needs you too but also concentrate on your own health and make sure that you and your boyfriend know that you can only advise Steve because ultimately he is the one who needs to want to recover.
Please also seek professional opinions on this as I am not doctor but maybe your boyfriend speaking to the doctors at the hospital or their families GP may be an idea.
If nothing is done then I fear once he is back home the cycle with continue.
I hope what I said helps and is relevant. Sometimes when I start typing I go off topic but please feel free to ask anything more you want to know or need help with.
Stay strong and wish you and your boyfriend all the best
James x