- ADFAM

September 9, 2023 at 7:11 pm #36458

Participant

<span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>Hello, worried,
 
<span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”> I could have written this whole thing myself; I’m pretty sure if you look back through my posts, you will see so many similar entries from me. Unfortunately, I have been in your position far too many times to count, so hopefully, I can advise you from my perspective. 
 
<span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”> First, I want to praise you for acting cool and calm when so many of us haven’t been able to. Never apologise for your reaction; you are reacting due to what he has put you through and supporting him through a tough time. It may seem like he doesn’t want the support, which may be the case for now. My husband has struggled with addiction his whole life, he has gone from being an innovative, funny, hard-working manager and the most romantic man who used to whisk me away to the Lake District… To a non-function addict who is on long-term sick at work and living back at his parents. This drug destroys people, it destroys their families and until he is ready to realise… There is not that much that you can do other the what you are doing now.
 
<span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>So let’s talk about the space that he’s asked for. My husband regularly needs space and although I can’t explain the needs of why your husband needs space now, I can probably take a guess that he is either in absolute denial or in absolute shame right now I can’t bring himself to talk about any of it right now. It got to a point with my husband where I repulsed him for simply having feelings about his behaviour. He couldn’t deal with the guilt and the shame of what he was doing to me and our children so he ran away (and continues to run away.) I can’t tell or advise you exactly what to do in terms of how and when you should reach out, but please be rest assured, that he knows that you love him. He may just be very much in a place of not being able to deal with the real world right now. 
 
<span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>People talk about rock bottom, about how an addict has to reach rock bottom in order to bounce back, and I truly believe that to be the case. For five years, my husband has been abusing his status in my life in our home, promising the world whilst secretly sinking further into his addiction and spiralling out of control. I have since come to learn that I have been massively enabling his addiction, by being here and providing him a warm comfy home with cuddles and a warm bed each and every time he messes up. This has made him be okay to go that little bit further each time. The last time he did it (2 weeks ago) he left just as he always does, taking all of his belongings and walking out on me and his children with the whole ‘we need space, I’m just hurting you’ speech. And I had had enough, so I blocked him on everything without warning. He quickly began to realise that he wasn’t able to have his cake and eat it, and to make a long story short, he hit rock bottom pretty quickly and has managed to be honest with me about his usage, and he has reached out for help. He has a number of appointments coming up, and his brain is clear (from what he tells me.) 
<span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”> but as I’m pretty sure you’re aware, as a partner of an addict, you always doubt yourself and everything that you are told. You doubt your entire existence and play the role of a detective in your whole life, not trusting a single word that anyone says. What’s been told to you is never as straightforward as what’s been told to you basically, and what is true and what’s false is never just what’s true and what’s false, there’s always layers of immeasurable doubt. So I don’t know if he’s doing as well as he’s telling me, but I’m learning (struggling like hell, but learning) to try and have some sort of existence without him for now. I’m not going to sit here and tell you it’s rosy, I’ve had a major meltdown today and came on here to type my own post until I saw myself in your words and it broke me a little to realise it’s genuinely not just me. 
 
<span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>Please look after yourself in all of this, it’s so much easier said than done but there are so many people out there who get it and who are willing to help. You can always confidentially phone Drug Fam, they are open until 9:00 every night, and they are so helpful. There’s been days when I phoned them 3 times a day, just to get through the day, it helps. Especially when you can’t take your eyes away from willing your phone to light up, just to have any sort of contact. You are not alone, I promise. There is also a really good podcast called Menace to Sobriety (dapper laughs) which has given my husband and I a lot of insight into the mind of an addict. 

<span style=”font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;”>Please stay strong, and please know, you can do this!! 
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Reply To: Please help ????