Hi Navy , Lottier and purple heart (and anyone else here!)..
I’ve been fairly numb, and empty since new year. I am finding it hard to keep a journal or even reply here…I can’t explain it …I’m just paralysed at moment … He has gone into saviour mode , appearing to my family he does nothing but love and support me , whilst battling his mental health demons (they have no idea of the true depths of his demons).
Oh gosh the ordeals Navy I feel we have them crises at least every couple of days…. The nights out that never were , I ended up promising myself this yr no more making plans , buying tickets for gigs, cinema etc cos he always finds a way to sabotage it and get back home asap without going to the gig or watching the film etc , using illness or some crap excuse so he can use at home again ….and it’s just further £ down the drain (having budgeted carefully to even pay for these things) and another chance in time to make new happy memories gone… The last true happy memories I have are from at least 5 years ago now. So sad.
I think at the moment he knows he needs to try and be on his best behaviour, I think I was definitely getting stronger and ready to walk away. He hasn’t used much at all and is trying to spend time with me …and of course I then feel guilty for wanting to leave …I know he did some last week where he has pretending I haven’t noticed , but he somehow managed to keep a lid on it and not go too crazy or use in front of me.. but I know this must be killing him! He is just waiting for the perfect excuse (i.e. me!) For his next big blow out and then we will be on that merry go round… Will no doubt be on his next pay day .. I feel so bad for thinking this but I know after so many years how the story goes… He keeps saying this yr is different , but given his dabble last week and pretence that he hasn’t touched anything yet in 2024…I just know deep down how it’s all going to go.
Just hope I can get out of this funk I’m in soon and start working on myself ….and get the courage to finally do what’s right for me