Hi econrathe, peaches and lozzy. I’m so sorry to hear you’re in similar situations. Thank you lozzy for the well wishes and suggestions.
I wanted to update you that l’ve finally left my abuser. It wasn’t easy and I was so afraid (still am of him) but I no longer live in daily fear. Before I was able to leave, there were a couple of things that helped me to get to this stage.
First I was able to confide in a few trusted friends. They made me realise how awful and unacceptable my ex’s behaviour was. I also contacted a domestic abuse helpline. I can’t remember which one but I was then referred to a local organisation and I was able to attend an in-person support group. At the same time I read a book by Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That (free PDF available online). That made me realise that it didn’t matter if my ex ever managed to give up drugs/drink, the abuse was never going to stop. It’s about who they are and it is ingrained in their values.
Life still isn’t easy as we have to co-parent. The abuse continues in a different form and I think he still does coke as he accuses me of all sorts but with no basis. But life is better now. My home is safe at last.
I wanted to say, please don’t give up and reach out for help. It can feel hopeless but everything I did was a tiny step towards acceptance that the situation wasn’t going to change and a slow realisation that I had to leave.
You can do it I promise x