Tears came down again today, it is very difficult knowing you are gone for good.
Your agonising journey, I judged you didn’t I, I fell into Societies view of your addiction and I lost sight of you.
But I have to say it was hard watching you on that path, and as much as the love I had for you I couldn’t help be cross and at a loss of what to do for the best. The more I helped I knew I was enabling, but now you have passed I would give you my last penny, its wicked how the drug controls so many factors of the jigsaw, its covered every part of the beginning, middle and end of the users , their family, friends life, complete control.
I hated taking you to the dealers houses but then I hated seeing you in pain, it was horrific to watch you crying, screaming, renting, begging, you lost all control to the drug. I question did you have any control? In your passing I recognise it was too powerful for you to ever overcome, yet it is what is expected, what would be a compromise because I do not believe you were treated or judged fairly but then what would have been right. You were stealing from us, manipulating, lying, it was a horrendous journey, you lost absolutely everything, you even lost the desire for love and companionship, the drug became your whole world. I know when on the drug you functioned, you were great, lived a normal functioning life, but your body and mind were driven to have the drug, there became no relief did there. It was a never ending cycle.
In your untimely sudden passing I have reflected and realised that its not a path you would have chosen, I know that in my heart had you have engaged with appropriate supports you may have still been alive.
Even the rehab ward in the hospital let you down, I remember you telling me that you heard a DR say they never come of it and how they treated you made you feel judged and not worthy.
Maybe if society change their perception and focus on the person rather than the addiction, addicts may not feel so detached. If he had one wish I know in my heart he would have wished he never tried it, but its distorts the mind.
I would like to start a campaign to change peoples perception of a drug user, lets start initially by trying to empathise rather than judge and ostracise. Of course we have be to be cautious not to enable but that can be achieved without stigma, leaving the addict wit two hurdles to overcome, the addiction and societies view.
I wish you back everyday and if only tears could wash away your pain and bring you back… Id tell you how much I loved you and Im sorry for the judgements I made, I hated the drug and its influence it had on you, I never stopped loving you x x
