: Bereavement

Get support following a drug or alcohol related death

Bereavement

11 threads

133 posts

Partner deteriorated quickly to alcoholism by

I lost my partner yesterday and we have a 19 year old son. He refused any medical intervention. He died at home which was his wish with suspected liver failure judging by his yellow appearance. I tried so hard to get his doctor involved but ultimately it had to be with his say so and again he refused! He had no pain relief and for the last 3 days was in a lot of pain but he made his peace with me and our son and managed through laboured breaths to give us some of life’s advice and apologised a lot until he could no longer speak. It was heartbreaking but I kept him comfortable and warm. On his last day he was bleeding from his throat and I was so scared for him, pleaded with him to let me call an ambulance. That night we both fell asleep in the living room as I didn’t want to leave him alone but only I woke up! It was 3 am and I sat with him for 3 hours because I just couldn’t accept he had gone and convinced myself I could see him breathing so I didn’t want to startle him by vigorously checking for his pulse. It wasn’t until I stroked his hand that I realised he had gone and must have done hours earlier. Now I seek comfort from knowing that he wasn’t alone in hospital, it wasn’t a crisis like I was expecting and he died peacefully in his sleep looking serene. He no longer suffers and is free from his demons. He was a lovely person but the alcoholism made him very combative at times which I took personally, although I never argued back, but I forgive that now because I realise it was part of his deteriorating liver and the toxins affecting his brain. I’m feeling all sorts of things right now...guilt, anger, sadness, bereft, numb, exhausted but I can’t sit still, every time I start to cry it immediately stops leaving me with a headache. I look at my son who is coping brilliantly and feel guilty that I still have my Dad. I’m sad that the alcohol won and took him from us so young. It really was like a beautiful tree that was watered daily by weed killer making it slowly wilt and die. It impaired his decisions and left him with a variety of mental health conditions. It was all unbearable for my son and I to have experienced for the last 3 years and we feel a kind of relief now, which also makes us feel guilty. I’m hoping these yo-yos of emotions will soon settle. I’ve learned that people who are victim to an addiction will have a root cause that needs addressing before they can give it up. Having a loving family around him wasn’t enough and we tried everything to help!! I felt in the dark and not prepared for what would happen at the end as there’s not enough advice online and his doctor told me to expect something catastrophic to happen very soon. I feel by writing this and sharing this awful, exhausting experience it may help someone who might be in that same position right now. It was a peaceful ending for him and not a horrific experience as he was asleep, I had feared he would choke to death or his heart would pack up so I’m blessed he went that way. But still, it’s such a waste of life. Alcoholics are much more than that person who drinks a bit too much, they are suffering with something and seek to numb their pain! Once the wound heals my son and I will thrive but for now we are missing him! Be kind to yourselves and your loved ones suffering addiction and I hope they don’t succumb to their addictions like my partner did. Please make them know that it is an illness that can be treated and that you love them. Sorry this was a long item to read but it is the tip of the iceberg!

by JEM

27 posts

I'm struggling by

Hi, I just lost my husband 2 months ago to alcoholism.....alcohol poisoning. We were divorcing and this is the result. I feel guilty, but i tried EVERYTHING I knew too. Myself and our daughters begged and pleaded for more than 10 years...nothing could reach him. He'd make promises....improve for a couple of weeks and then the lies and sneaking would start all over again. I had reached the point where it was ruining our lives and home...we had to have a stop to it. I watched the man I loved....(still love) slowly slipping away until he was completely gone. Its devastating! We are left with Mountains of debt, no life insurance, and two children. He was such a smart man.....it took his job, his family, then him. I've been with him since I was 15...together for 32 years....I dont know where to even begin without him.

by jtekg4

20 posts

Lost my mum by

Hi, I’m struggling to know where to turn or what to do and I’ve ended up here, looking for help from strangers. All my friends are too awkward to be around me or ask how I am since I lost my mum 8 weeks ago. She was an alcoholic who I’d put a little space between us, trying to protect myself as I knew it was inevitable. It hasn’t helped at all and I’m really struggling, made worse as my friends have vanished. I have never felt so lonely in my life and don’t know what to do. I feel so bitter about it on top of everything else. How did other people deal with this? I’m sorry if I seem mopey or full of self pity, I just feel so stuck in a really negative and lonely place. Thank you in advance for any suggestions or help

My ex partner has just died by

Hi everyone, not really sure what I'm looking for here. My ex partner of ten years was found dead on Wednesday morning. I don't have all the details yet but am in touch with his brother who is going to let me know more as he finds out. He was an alcoholic. He continued to message me long after I had completely distanced myself from him. I last replied to him in July and was awful to him, as he said awful things to me. I have completely ignored his messages since then. I feel so guilty. Like I should have stuck it out longer and tried to help more. But it came to the point where my mental health was suffering. I just wonder if it would have come to this, if I had taken him back. Sorry I'm rambling. Just looking for someone to talk to in a similar situation. Thanks.

Lost husband to alcohol by

Hi all So glad I found this forum and hope my ramblings today will make sense to someone out there. I recently lost my husband to alcohol, and although he had other medical issues it was ultimately his drinking that killed him. Since his passing I have gone through many emotions, anger being the predominant one. Angry at him for giving in to it, angry at me for failing him, angry at medical professionals for failing him. Trust me, if I had a milkman I would probably find something to pin on him too. I dealt with his drinking for many years and have tried everything I could to get him to stop and/or seek help. He was getting help to be honest but in the end he thought he could handle it and paid the price. Right now I am very confused and wonder if he ever really cared for me and his family, yes he lied to me for years - part of the illness right? I trained myself to not take his lies, drinking, behaviour, personally but can't help but feel used and mistreated. Aside from myself and our children, none of his family were aware he had an issue and were stunned to find out after his death. I thought I was doing the right thing in keeping his secret but now I am questioning every decision I ever made Sorry for the ramblings, I just need to get these thoughts out and would be interested to know how others cope in a similar situation.

I just lost my brother by

Hi all. My brother died earlier this year from alcoholism. He was only in his mid forties and we are all heartbroken. We tried to help him but he locked us out of the house and denied he had a problem. For the last year of his life I think he was drinking every day and after his death we found bottles of vodka in his home which he was obviously drinking neat. I'm having a lot of issues coming to terms with his death and i dont think I ever will. I am trying to understand this addiction that is more powerful than love and family, that drove my successful brother to self destruct. I also cannot understand his denial. How could he pretend that everything was ok when it was clearly not? I would love to hear your stories and if you can help me understand this disease I would be very grateful. Thank you

Recognising alcoholism by

I’m so fearful my partner will drink until he has pickled his liver and kidneys. He drinks a 10 pack of beer every day. The other day he also had a litre bottle of sherry. 2 weeks before that he drank an almost full bottle of Cointreau liqueur both as well as the beer. On the weekend, almost guaranteed within 15 mins of waking up he asks if we have any beer. He’s out of work at the moment so it’s me that is covering the cost. I know I must be stronger to protect my own finances as it’s so expensive. The other night at midnight he asked if I could go to the shop for more beer. I went mad and said it’s not unreasonable for me to say no and what sort of man sends their loving partner into the night to do that. His father was an alcoholic I understand and died at 39 when my partner was 9. So worried for him now and for myself. I know I can’t help him and he has to want to help himself. Reading your helpful posts where help has sadly not worked makes me want to try harder. But I’m also at the point where I cannot face living my life this way forever with this man. He’s also into coke and weed. I’m worried I’ll get home one day and find him in a bad way. Has anyone else been here?

My husband died by

I'm struggling with feelings following the death of my husband last month. He was in his mid-40s, and a highly intelligent, very successful businessman. He was also a cocaine addict, but no one knew unless he told them. He had periods of abstinence followed by what he called a relapse, which was a drug binge. During this time he would disappear away from home and be uncontactable, spending hundreds and sometimes thousands of pounds. In the last year of his life, this all increased in frequency. The last six months were particularly bad. After his death, I found out that since January he'd been using at least once a week on average, and was ordering quantities of anywhere between 2g and 5g. He would just this in one night over the course of a few hours. On the night he died, he had disappeared on a binge, but I didn't know this until the following day. He had ordered 2g which he had taken over two hours, and then a couple of hours later he was walking it off in town when he literally dropped dead in the street. Since he died I've found out a lot about his use, about where he was getting money etc and I am finding it hard to process. Our relationship had deteriorated because he was always snappy and in a bad mood, and it felt like he had completely disconnected from me. He barely wanted to spend any time with me at all, and always prioritised anything else to the point we spent very little time together at all. I wanted it to be different, but he didn't. Having looked through his phone in the last month, it seems he had an awful lot of contact with prostitutes, who he paid to get the drugs for him. He was making arrangements with them once or twice a week to get the drugs, would take it while they were there and then leave. On his phone was a video of one of these sessions, and it was really upsetting. I looked after the money (at his request) so it was hard for him to get hold of it, but I've now discovered he spent one of his children's savings as unknown to me he had access to it. I have also found that he was searching for pawn shops, and many of his possessions have gone missing, including gifts I bought him (even his wedding present from me). He has left us with nothing - because of his addiction he could not get life insurance, and we are about to lose our home. I feel sad, betrayed and angry, even though I know the addiction had taken over in the end and it wasn't really *him*. The him before the addiction was the kindest, most generous, gentle person you could ever meet. He worked tirelessly for his family and always put others first. I am stunned he could have been so unfaithful so many times, and devastated that he died in the street far from home. I'm not sure how to reconcile all these conflicting feelings.

New to this by

Hi I don't know where else to turn , my family and friends have no idea how I feel they havnt walked in mine or my 2 son's shoes, and unfortunately our story didn't end well as 2 weeks ago their father , my ex died. I strongly suspect it was an overdose on liquid morphine won't know for sure till the toxology report comes back , I am heart broken as I tried to get him help and my boys seen him at his worst when he was high and my eldest who is 24 has saved his life once by calling an ambulance for him , it's hard cos we did get a long and he was a big part of my life for many yrs he was just so troubled towards the end , my eldest us showing no emotion , he is feeling angry I suspect he doesn't really want to talk about it and has thrown himself into work and is acting like nothing has happened, my youngest who is 16 is sad but it's not really hit him yet we have been going through this alone and would just like to communicate with others who may understand the effects of addiction ????

by Coconut

5 posts

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