: Bereavement

Get support following a drug or alcohol related death

Bereavement

13 threads

148 posts

Lost husband to alcohol by

Hi all So glad I found this forum and hope my ramblings today will make sense to someone out there. I recently lost my husband to alcohol, and although he had other medical issues it was ultimately his drinking that killed him. Since his passing I have gone through many emotions, anger being the predominant one. Angry at him for giving in to it, angry at me for failing him, angry at medical professionals for failing him. Trust me, if I had a milkman I would probably find something to pin on him too. I dealt with his drinking for many years and have tried everything I could to get him to stop and/or seek help. He was getting help to be honest but in the end he thought he could handle it and paid the price. Right now I am very confused and wonder if he ever really cared for me and his family, yes he lied to me for years - part of the illness right? I trained myself to not take his lies, drinking, behaviour, personally but can't help but feel used and mistreated. Aside from myself and our children, none of his family were aware he had an issue and were stunned to find out after his death. I thought I was doing the right thing in keeping his secret but now I am questioning every decision I ever made Sorry for the ramblings, I just need to get these thoughts out and would be interested to know how others cope in a similar situation.

Mum died 4 years ago and I’m still confused by

My mum died suddenly when I was 26. I lived away from home and I got a phone call one day to tell me the news. It was a complete shock, although not that surprising as I had seen her physical health declining in recent years. It’s the 4 year anniversary of her death today and last night it hit me pretty hard. What surprised me was that I still have very mixed feelings about her (feeling of failure that I couldn’t save her and also sadness and disappointment that she abandoned me). I don’t feel just sad and that I miss her like I would grieving anyone else. I often feel anger, resentment and pain attached to it. It’s very similar to the pain I felt as a child when she was drinking and hiding away for days on end (and I felt abandoned and that she cared more about the drink than me). I’ve been working through it in therapy for the last 6 months or so and I’m starting to recognise the triggers of these feelings in my day to day life but I still haven’t worked out how to move past them. I also didn’t expect the pain to still be there with the same intensity after 4 years. Does anyone know if it eventually lessens? Also, does anyone have any tips on how to process this stage of grief? I feel like I’m stuck trying to figure it all out still (why she drank) and I can’t move on and accept it and process my feelings. It feels like no one else in my life will ever understand this but I thought maybe those with similar experiences would be able to share some insight. Grateful for anything you can share and I hope you’re all doing well xxx

Partner deteriorated quickly to alcoholism by

I lost my partner yesterday and we have a 19 year old son. He refused any medical intervention. He died at home which was his wish with suspected liver failure judging by his yellow appearance. I tried so hard to get his doctor involved but ultimately it had to be with his say so and again he refused! He had no pain relief and for the last 3 days was in a lot of pain but he made his peace with me and our son and managed through laboured breaths to give us some of life’s advice and apologised a lot until he could no longer speak. It was heartbreaking but I kept him comfortable and warm. On his last day he was bleeding from his throat and I was so scared for him, pleaded with him to let me call an ambulance. That night we both fell asleep in the living room as I didn’t want to leave him alone but only I woke up! It was 3 am and I sat with him for 3 hours because I just couldn’t accept he had gone and convinced myself I could see him breathing so I didn’t want to startle him by vigorously checking for his pulse. It wasn’t until I stroked his hand that I realised he had gone and must have done hours earlier. Now I seek comfort from knowing that he wasn’t alone in hospital, it wasn’t a crisis like I was expecting and he died peacefully in his sleep looking serene. He no longer suffers and is free from his demons. He was a lovely person but the alcoholism made him very combative at times which I took personally, although I never argued back, but I forgive that now because I realise it was part of his deteriorating liver and the toxins affecting his brain. I’m feeling all sorts of things right now...guilt, anger, sadness, bereft, numb, exhausted but I can’t sit still, every time I start to cry it immediately stops leaving me with a headache. I look at my son who is coping brilliantly and feel guilty that I still have my Dad. I’m sad that the alcohol won and took him from us so young. It really was like a beautiful tree that was watered daily by weed killer making it slowly wilt and die. It impaired his decisions and left him with a variety of mental health conditions. It was all unbearable for my son and I to have experienced for the last 3 years and we feel a kind of relief now, which also makes us feel guilty. I’m hoping these yo-yos of emotions will soon settle. I’ve learned that people who are victim to an addiction will have a root cause that needs addressing before they can give it up. Having a loving family around him wasn’t enough and we tried everything to help!! I felt in the dark and not prepared for what would happen at the end as there’s not enough advice online and his doctor told me to expect something catastrophic to happen very soon. I feel by writing this and sharing this awful, exhausting experience it may help someone who might be in that same position right now. It was a peaceful ending for him and not a horrific experience as he was asleep, I had feared he would choke to death or his heart would pack up so I’m blessed he went that way. But still, it’s such a waste of life. Alcoholics are much more than that person who drinks a bit too much, they are suffering with something and seek to numb their pain! Once the wound heals my son and I will thrive but for now we are missing him! Be kind to yourselves and your loved ones suffering addiction and I hope they don’t succumb to their addictions like my partner did. Please make them know that it is an illness that can be treated and that you love them. Sorry this was a long item to read but it is the tip of the iceberg!

I'm struggling by

Hi, I just lost my husband 2 months ago to alcoholism.....alcohol poisoning. We were divorcing and this is the result. I feel guilty, but i tried EVERYTHING I knew too. Myself and our daughters begged and pleaded for more than 10 years...nothing could reach him. He'd make promises....improve for a couple of weeks and then the lies and sneaking would start all over again. I had reached the point where it was ruining our lives and home...we had to have a stop to it. I watched the man I loved....(still love) slowly slipping away until he was completely gone. Its devastating! We are left with Mountains of debt, no life insurance, and two children. He was such a smart man.....it took his job, his family, then him. I've been with him since I was 15...together for 32 years....I dont know where to even begin without him.

Lost my mum by

Hi, I’m struggling to know where to turn or what to do and I’ve ended up here, looking for help from strangers. All my friends are too awkward to be around me or ask how I am since I lost my mum 8 weeks ago. She was an alcoholic who I’d put a little space between us, trying to protect myself as I knew it was inevitable. It hasn’t helped at all and I’m really struggling, made worse as my friends have vanished. I have never felt so lonely in my life and don’t know what to do. I feel so bitter about it on top of everything else. How did other people deal with this? I’m sorry if I seem mopey or full of self pity, I just feel so stuck in a really negative and lonely place. Thank you in advance for any suggestions or help

My ex partner has just died by

Hi everyone, not really sure what I'm looking for here. My ex partner of ten years was found dead on Wednesday morning. I don't have all the details yet but am in touch with his brother who is going to let me know more as he finds out. He was an alcoholic. He continued to message me long after I had completely distanced myself from him. I last replied to him in July and was awful to him, as he said awful things to me. I have completely ignored his messages since then. I feel so guilty. Like I should have stuck it out longer and tried to help more. But it came to the point where my mental health was suffering. I just wonder if it would have come to this, if I had taken him back. Sorry I'm rambling. Just looking for someone to talk to in a similar situation. Thanks.

I just lost my brother by

Hi all. My brother died earlier this year from alcoholism. He was only in his mid forties and we are all heartbroken. We tried to help him but he locked us out of the house and denied he had a problem. For the last year of his life I think he was drinking every day and after his death we found bottles of vodka in his home which he was obviously drinking neat. I'm having a lot of issues coming to terms with his death and i dont think I ever will. I am trying to understand this addiction that is more powerful than love and family, that drove my successful brother to self destruct. I also cannot understand his denial. How could he pretend that everything was ok when it was clearly not? I would love to hear your stories and if you can help me understand this disease I would be very grateful. Thank you

Recognising alcoholism by

I’m so fearful my partner will drink until he has pickled his liver and kidneys. He drinks a 10 pack of beer every day. The other day he also had a litre bottle of sherry. 2 weeks before that he drank an almost full bottle of Cointreau liqueur both as well as the beer. On the weekend, almost guaranteed within 15 mins of waking up he asks if we have any beer. He’s out of work at the moment so it’s me that is covering the cost. I know I must be stronger to protect my own finances as it’s so expensive. The other night at midnight he asked if I could go to the shop for more beer. I went mad and said it’s not unreasonable for me to say no and what sort of man sends their loving partner into the night to do that. His father was an alcoholic I understand and died at 39 when my partner was 9. So worried for him now and for myself. I know I can’t help him and he has to want to help himself. Reading your helpful posts where help has sadly not worked makes me want to try harder. But I’m also at the point where I cannot face living my life this way forever with this man. He’s also into coke and weed. I’m worried I’ll get home one day and find him in a bad way. Has anyone else been here?

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