: Bereavement

Get support following a drug or alcohol related death


22 threads

267 posts

Lost husband to alcohol by

Hi all So glad I found this forum and hope my ramblings today will make sense to someone out there. I recently lost my husband to alcohol, and although he had other medical issues it was ultimately his drinking that killed him. Since his passing I have gone through many emotions, anger being the predominant one. Angry at him for giving in to it, angry at me for failing him, angry at medical professionals for failing him. Trust me, if I had a milkman I would probably find something to pin on him too. I dealt with his drinking for many years and have tried everything I could to get him to stop and/or seek help. He was getting help to be honest but in the end he thought he could handle it and paid the price. Right now I am very confused and wonder if he ever really cared for me and his family, yes he lied to me for years - part of the illness right? I trained myself to not take his lies, drinking, behaviour, personally but can't help but feel used and mistreated. Aside from myself and our children, none of his family were aware he had an issue and were stunned to find out after his death. I thought I was doing the right thing in keeping his secret but now I am questioning every decision I ever made Sorry for the ramblings, I just need to get these thoughts out and would be interested to know how others cope in a similar situation.

Alcoholic husband lost his dad by

I actually don’t know where to start, my husband has been a alcoholic for a couple years, recently this landed him in hospital with his kidneys, he said this was his wake up call, unfortunately just over a week later he turned back to the drink, and it got steadily worse till I had to go to my parents as I couldn’t take the arguments and the drunken threats and behaviour. My farther in law lived with us and while I was say they had many arguments about the drinking, then unfortunately one night last week my husband found him dead on the sofa, he rang me and i came back to help him and try get us back on track, it has got him hard which is understandable but the drinking is getting to much again, me and his friends are trying to help and get him to get professional help. It’s at a point now my 4 year old says daddy has drank to much, I don’t know how much more stress I can deal with as I am trying to take care of two kids, be there for my husband, keep money coming in to pay bills, also on a side note my husband hasn’t been work in nearly a month so facing getting fired.

Anyone out there? by

I don't know if there are any active members on here. It's a shame, I'm struggling to find support anywhere, does anyone else find this? I am 31, my father has been an alcoholic all my life, my mother's drink problem began when I was around 9 years old and got gradually worse. My parents were separated when I was around 3 years old, I always lived with my mother and as I got older and the drinking became worse so I felt I had to stay with her until the age I am now due to being so fearful of her not being able to look after herself, falling over, or doing something stupid like setting the place on fire when trying to cook. and leaving the front door open (happened often). I recently nearly lost my dad because of the alcohol and he was in a coma for a few weeks, I visited every day and as he deteriorated quickly the hospital called me in the middle of the night to go and say my goodbyes to him because they didn't think he would last the night. Anyway,somehow, he miraculously recovered in the week after that and went home. I went to stay with him and cared for him (he lived down the road from me and my mother's home). My routine was..I would wake up, sort my father's breakfast out and make lunch ready for him, go to work, then after work, go to my mother's to cook dinner, then back to my dad's to do him and me a dinner again. My mother then suddenly became severely depressed about me leaving and refused to eat but would continue to drink. I went to see my mother after work one evening and she was in a lot of pain and unable to move. I called an ambulance and that was the last time I ever had her home. She passed away from acute pancreatitis and multiple organ failure due to the alcohol. I am struggling so so bad to come to terms with the loss and the absolute guilt. I'm now in mother's home again but it is empty without her (I am being kicked out soon enough anyway but still..). I'm just so heartbroken. She lived such a sad life. I still care for my father, but even for him, I thought perhaps after him nearly losing his life and knowing alcohol killed my mother he would stop but he continues to drink and smoke heavily. I've spent all my life dedicating time and care into my parents, I've never had a life of my own but even with the chance I would just be riddled with grief, hurt and guilt. I mean this is a very brief outline of the story, I could have gone on and on. Writing is kinda therapeutic in a way

by Jinn54

6 posts

Confused and scared by

It’s so strange that I feel safer writing this to strangers on the internet rather than confronting my dad directly! Dad’s drinking has always been an elephant in the room that we all ignored. (I’m regretting not taking drastic action sooner). Over the past 6 months dad’s health has deteriorated, initially he told us it was work related and took some time off. Fast forward a few months and he’s in hospital for the 3rd week. The problem we have is that dad won’t allow his doctors to talk to us. We saw his discharge note when he was briefly released and based on this we know he has decompensated liver disease and other complications from this. We also do know through snippets he’s given us that he has fluid on his abdomen (ascites) and behind his lung. He had varices banded and is barely eating now. He’s getting more confused and it’s quite difficult to hold a conversation that flows anymore. Unfortunately we have lost other family members to this cruel illness and my sister and I are quite certain that this is it. Unfortunately as dad isn’t allowing us to speak to doctors and is only sharing what he wants to, we have so many questions and no one to ask. I know this isn’t bereavement yet , but I’m quite sure that it’s how this will end. Today I visited and he was talking about going onto 0% Beer when he gets home but then added that his first one will be a‘proper beer’. I was devastated. At the moment I’m the designated visitor (COVID rules) and I’m trying my best to help him but feel like because I’m not confronting him I’m only enabling his behaviour more, I also can’t help feelings of what is the point in confrontation now as it’s already too late. Am I being sensible and honest with myself and preparing for the inevitable or am I writing him off too soon. It’s so hard to know without him being completely transparent about what is happening. It’s cruel to us as loved ones, but also cruel to himself, we aren’t angry at him for being ill but are angry at him for the secrecy when we are worried sick and just want to support him. Even my mum is struggling to get any more information from him and I had to explain what decompensated liver disease was to her, that crushed me! Has anyone else had a similar experience with an addict in hospital? I’m preparing for the worst and would appreciate any words of wisdom to help us through this. The awful thing is, I know he’s having difficult conversations on his own and doesn’t need to. We want to be there for him but I know I’m going to get shut out by him if I confront him and can’t bare the thought of not talking to him for the bit of time we think he has left. I’m so confused about how we even got here and scared for life without my rock. How do I prepare for the death of a parent and how do I make sure mum, my siblings and I get through this in one piece? Sorry for the long post, as you can probably tell I’m struggling a bit today! Thank you and sending love to everyone in a similar position x

by 334

2 posts

In pain,angry.want to act by

When i was 10 i lost my father to a methadone overdose after he attempted to get clean from a oxycontin prescription for work related injuries.he was a roofer alongside my uncle for over 20 years.three years later my uncle overdosed on oxycontin himself.by highschool lortabs and codeine were common among my friends.that turned to roxycontin.by college it seemed everybody i knew took them.that became replaced by heroin as pill prices soared and then fentanyl replacdd that.now countless friends of mine are dead. They say their are stages of mourning.anger seems to be the one i am stuck on.i want to act on it.is there anyone out there whos lost a loved one to heroin or fentanyl or counterfeit prescription pills who feels the same? Anyone who wants to aid in the prosecution of cartel members and street gangs all the way down to the street level dealer? Please respond.

Anyone who has lost someone should listen to this song by

This is a song a came across recently its a beautiful song by a young man named Sam Tompkins. Now I lost both my mum and dad within a year of eachother and I play guitar a little myself and tried to write a song that discribed how I felt but when I heard this it was almost as if it was meant for me. Small back story, I'm 30 and moved out the family home years ago but my little brother still lives in the house we grew up in with his girlfriend and little boy so it's nice that I can still have the physical house to go to. I say it's like my center of gravity. Anyway The words to the chorus are: "it wasn't only a building, you lived in, and left behind. You left your children, and withthem, left your bloodline. Even though you've left here, belive me, you'll never die. There will always be a little bit of you in I" I have no words to say how powerful hearing that for the first time was. I'll attach a link to the acoustic version but if you want to look it up yourself on YouTube: Sam Tompkins - bloodline (I prefer the acoustic) https://youtu.be/SW6fVj5F_Bw

1 post

Lost my brother on Monday to alcohol and paracetamol by

My brother has been an alcoholic and a drug addict for 30 years. He had so many friends but he was always skint and always borrowing or taking because all his money went on Cider and jager He was brave and strong however and worked for over 25 years as a London cycle courier. A solitary job which his father never understood and led to a strained relationship fueled once again by booze and cocaine. Last year in November after a terrible year where he was unable to work he succumbed to 2 heart attacks. He survived but continued to drink. He was desperate to return to work but he was admitted to the hospital at the weekend after an overdose of alcohol and paracetamol. His kidneys failed and he died on Monday. He had friends, a family but he still couldn't stop drinking. RIP my brother

Partner deteriorated quickly to alcoholism by

I lost my partner yesterday and we have a 19 year old son. He refused any medical intervention. He died at home which was his wish with suspected liver failure judging by his yellow appearance. I tried so hard to get his doctor involved but ultimately it had to be with his say so and again he refused! He had no pain relief and for the last 3 days was in a lot of pain but he made his peace with me and our son and managed through laboured breaths to give us some of life’s advice and apologised a lot until he could no longer speak. It was heartbreaking but I kept him comfortable and warm. On his last day he was bleeding from his throat and I was so scared for him, pleaded with him to let me call an ambulance. That night we both fell asleep in the living room as I didn’t want to leave him alone but only I woke up! It was 3 am and I sat with him for 3 hours because I just couldn’t accept he had gone and convinced myself I could see him breathing so I didn’t want to startle him by vigorously checking for his pulse. It wasn’t until I stroked his hand that I realised he had gone and must have done hours earlier. Now I seek comfort from knowing that he wasn’t alone in hospital, it wasn’t a crisis like I was expecting and he died peacefully in his sleep looking serene. He no longer suffers and is free from his demons. He was a lovely person but the alcoholism made him very combative at times which I took personally, although I never argued back, but I forgive that now because I realise it was part of his deteriorating liver and the toxins affecting his brain. I’m feeling all sorts of things right now...guilt, anger, sadness, bereft, numb, exhausted but I can’t sit still, every time I start to cry it immediately stops leaving me with a headache. I look at my son who is coping brilliantly and feel guilty that I still have my Dad. I’m sad that the alcohol won and took him from us so young. It really was like a beautiful tree that was watered daily by weed killer making it slowly wilt and die. It impaired his decisions and left him with a variety of mental health conditions. It was all unbearable for my son and I to have experienced for the last 3 years and we feel a kind of relief now, which also makes us feel guilty. I’m hoping these yo-yos of emotions will soon settle. I’ve learned that people who are victim to an addiction will have a root cause that needs addressing before they can give it up. Having a loving family around him wasn’t enough and we tried everything to help!! I felt in the dark and not prepared for what would happen at the end as there’s not enough advice online and his doctor told me to expect something catastrophic to happen very soon. I feel by writing this and sharing this awful, exhausting experience it may help someone who might be in that same position right now. It was a peaceful ending for him and not a horrific experience as he was asleep, I had feared he would choke to death or his heart would pack up so I’m blessed he went that way. But still, it’s such a waste of life. Alcoholics are much more than that person who drinks a bit too much, they are suffering with something and seek to numb their pain! Once the wound heals my son and I will thrive but for now we are missing him! Be kind to yourselves and your loved ones suffering addiction and I hope they don’t succumb to their addictions like my partner did. Please make them know that it is an illness that can be treated and that you love them. Sorry this was a long item to read but it is the tip of the iceberg!

by J48

45 posts

Not really sure what this is by

I don't know why I'm sharing this here really. I guess to see if anyone else may relate or feel some same ways possibly? I'm 29, my mum died 3 years ago and my dad 2 years ago 4 days prior to the first anniversary of her passing. I have so much regret for wasting the time I could have spent with them. Guilt for all the times I said I'd pop round after work but went for a pint instead. I just never expected them to not be here. Anyway. I wrote something and I just wanted to put it here because I know from the other topics no one judges here and i can share it without anyone really knowing its me. Its not a song or a poem or anything in particular just me trying to talk to my parents.... Sorry if its shit or doesn't read well Im not by any means a writer I'd say it's hard to put how I feel into words but that's not true, The hard part is putting into words the whole truth, the unspoken thankyou's, the unshown gratitude, the missed opportunity's there was to repay you. I guess the truth is I never understood the concept of life, or realised that the most precious thing we have is time. But I can never change how I spent mine, Despite the tears my eyes cry, No amount of photos on the wall can change the fact you both died. I often wonder if I'll ever see you on the other side. if you're watching the 3 of us from above using heaven to hide Because sometimes at night, when things haven't been right, from a dark room there's been a familiar light, Somehow I know it's you, even if the light is dim Reminding me I still have family, A little brother and a twin And some boys who are more like family even if their numbers are wearing thin. I'll use that light to guide me even when I can't see, Then pass it on the most beautiful girl I think the worlds ever seen Mum and dad meet Josie, Josie Janet giles dad I think she has your laugh, and mum she has your smile, For the first time since you left, she's made the world become clearer I'm staring into eyes the same as mine without looking in a mirror from her playground bumps and splitters And for the rest of all my winters I'll love her like you loved me and be the man you knew I was meant to

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