: Bereavement

Get support following a drug or alcohol related death

Bereavement

17 threads

170 posts

Not really sure what this is by

I don't know why I'm sharing this here really. I guess to see if anyone else may relate or feel some same ways possibly? I'm 29, my mum died 3 years ago and my dad 2 years ago 4 days prior to the first anniversary of her passing. I have so much regret for wasting the time I could have spent with them. Guilt for all the times I said I'd pop round after work but went for a pint instead. I just never expected them to not be here. Anyway. I wrote something and I just wanted to put it here because I know from the other topics no one judges here and i can share it without anyone really knowing its me. Its not a song or a poem or anything in particular just me trying to talk to my parents.... Sorry if its shit or doesn't read well Im not by any means a writer I'd say it's hard to put how I feel into words but that's not true, The hard part is putting into words the whole truth, the unspoken thankyou's, the unshown gratitude, the missed opportunity's there was to repay you. I guess the truth is I never understood the concept of life, or realised that the most precious thing we have is time. But I can never change how I spent mine, Despite the tears my eyes cry, No amount of photos on the wall can change the fact you both died. I often wonder if I'll ever see you on the other side. if you're watching the 3 of us from above using heaven to hide Because sometimes at night, when things haven't been right, from a dark room there's been a familiar light, Somehow I know it's you, even if the light is dim Reminding me I still have family, A little brother and a twin And some boys who are more like family even if their numbers are wearing thin. I'll use that light to guide me even when I can't see, Then pass it on the most beautiful girl I think the worlds ever seen Mum and dad meet Josie, Josie Janet giles dad I think she has your laugh, and mum she has your smile, For the first time since you left, she's made the world become clearer I'm staring into eyes the same as mine without looking in a mirror from her playground bumps and splitters And for the rest of all my winters I'll love her like you loved me and be the man you knew I was meant to

Lost my brother on Monday to alcohol and paracetamol by

My brother has been an alcoholic and a drug addict for 30 years. He had so many friends but he was always skint and always borrowing or taking because all his money went on Cider and jager He was brave and strong however and worked for over 25 years as a London cycle courier. A solitary job which his father never understood and led to a strained relationship fueled once again by booze and cocaine. Last year in November after a terrible year where he was unable to work he succumbed to 2 heart attacks. He survived but continued to drink. He was desperate to return to work but he was admitted to the hospital at the weekend after an overdose of alcohol and paracetamol. His kidneys failed and he died on Monday. He had friends, a family but he still couldn't stop drinking. RIP my brother

Lost my Dad by

Glad I found this site and being able to feel that other people will understand how I feel even though this was several years ago . I lost my dad some years ago to drugs, had been an ongoing issue since I was a small child with periods of abstinence but ultimately reverted back and he was under 50 when he died. I have issues of guilt as I was in touch with him and every day, dealing with a&e visits and long term issues . I had kind of had enough and didn’t visit him and found he dead two days later . I know I couldn’t have done anything but just hits me and gets a bit overwhelming sometimes . I miss him, am angry with him and with myself

Partner deteriorated quickly to alcoholism by

I lost my partner yesterday and we have a 19 year old son. He refused any medical intervention. He died at home which was his wish with suspected liver failure judging by his yellow appearance. I tried so hard to get his doctor involved but ultimately it had to be with his say so and again he refused! He had no pain relief and for the last 3 days was in a lot of pain but he made his peace with me and our son and managed through laboured breaths to give us some of life’s advice and apologised a lot until he could no longer speak. It was heartbreaking but I kept him comfortable and warm. On his last day he was bleeding from his throat and I was so scared for him, pleaded with him to let me call an ambulance. That night we both fell asleep in the living room as I didn’t want to leave him alone but only I woke up! It was 3 am and I sat with him for 3 hours because I just couldn’t accept he had gone and convinced myself I could see him breathing so I didn’t want to startle him by vigorously checking for his pulse. It wasn’t until I stroked his hand that I realised he had gone and must have done hours earlier. Now I seek comfort from knowing that he wasn’t alone in hospital, it wasn’t a crisis like I was expecting and he died peacefully in his sleep looking serene. He no longer suffers and is free from his demons. He was a lovely person but the alcoholism made him very combative at times which I took personally, although I never argued back, but I forgive that now because I realise it was part of his deteriorating liver and the toxins affecting his brain. I’m feeling all sorts of things right now...guilt, anger, sadness, bereft, numb, exhausted but I can’t sit still, every time I start to cry it immediately stops leaving me with a headache. I look at my son who is coping brilliantly and feel guilty that I still have my Dad. I’m sad that the alcohol won and took him from us so young. It really was like a beautiful tree that was watered daily by weed killer making it slowly wilt and die. It impaired his decisions and left him with a variety of mental health conditions. It was all unbearable for my son and I to have experienced for the last 3 years and we feel a kind of relief now, which also makes us feel guilty. I’m hoping these yo-yos of emotions will soon settle. I’ve learned that people who are victim to an addiction will have a root cause that needs addressing before they can give it up. Having a loving family around him wasn’t enough and we tried everything to help!! I felt in the dark and not prepared for what would happen at the end as there’s not enough advice online and his doctor told me to expect something catastrophic to happen very soon. I feel by writing this and sharing this awful, exhausting experience it may help someone who might be in that same position right now. It was a peaceful ending for him and not a horrific experience as he was asleep, I had feared he would choke to death or his heart would pack up so I’m blessed he went that way. But still, it’s such a waste of life. Alcoholics are much more than that person who drinks a bit too much, they are suffering with something and seek to numb their pain! Once the wound heals my son and I will thrive but for now we are missing him! Be kind to yourselves and your loved ones suffering addiction and I hope they don’t succumb to their addictions like my partner did. Please make them know that it is an illness that can be treated and that you love them. Sorry this was a long item to read but it is the tip of the iceberg!

Lost husband to alcohol by

Hi all So glad I found this forum and hope my ramblings today will make sense to someone out there. I recently lost my husband to alcohol, and although he had other medical issues it was ultimately his drinking that killed him. Since his passing I have gone through many emotions, anger being the predominant one. Angry at him for giving in to it, angry at me for failing him, angry at medical professionals for failing him. Trust me, if I had a milkman I would probably find something to pin on him too. I dealt with his drinking for many years and have tried everything I could to get him to stop and/or seek help. He was getting help to be honest but in the end he thought he could handle it and paid the price. Right now I am very confused and wonder if he ever really cared for me and his family, yes he lied to me for years - part of the illness right? I trained myself to not take his lies, drinking, behaviour, personally but can't help but feel used and mistreated. Aside from myself and our children, none of his family were aware he had an issue and were stunned to find out after his death. I thought I was doing the right thing in keeping his secret but now I am questioning every decision I ever made Sorry for the ramblings, I just need to get these thoughts out and would be interested to know how others cope in a similar situation.

Confused and scared by

It’s so strange that I feel safer writing this to strangers on the internet rather than confronting my dad directly! Dad’s drinking has always been an elephant in the room that we all ignored. (I’m regretting not taking drastic action sooner). Over the past 6 months dad’s health has deteriorated, initially he told us it was work related and took some time off. Fast forward a few months and he’s in hospital for the 3rd week. The problem we have is that dad won’t allow his doctors to talk to us. We saw his discharge note when he was briefly released and based on this we know he has decompensated liver disease and other complications from this. We also do know through snippets he’s given us that he has fluid on his abdomen (ascites) and behind his lung. He had varices banded and is barely eating now. He’s getting more confused and it’s quite difficult to hold a conversation that flows anymore. Unfortunately we have lost other family members to this cruel illness and my sister and I are quite certain that this is it. Unfortunately as dad isn’t allowing us to speak to doctors and is only sharing what he wants to, we have so many questions and no one to ask. I know this isn’t bereavement yet , but I’m quite sure that it’s how this will end. Today I visited and he was talking about going onto 0% Beer when he gets home but then added that his first one will be a‘proper beer’. I was devastated. At the moment I’m the designated visitor (COVID rules) and I’m trying my best to help him but feel like because I’m not confronting him I’m only enabling his behaviour more, I also can’t help feelings of what is the point in confrontation now as it’s already too late. Am I being sensible and honest with myself and preparing for the inevitable or am I writing him off too soon. It’s so hard to know without him being completely transparent about what is happening. It’s cruel to us as loved ones, but also cruel to himself, we aren’t angry at him for being ill but are angry at him for the secrecy when we are worried sick and just want to support him. Even my mum is struggling to get any more information from him and I had to explain what decompensated liver disease was to her, that crushed me! Has anyone else had a similar experience with an addict in hospital? I’m preparing for the worst and would appreciate any words of wisdom to help us through this. The awful thing is, I know he’s having difficult conversations on his own and doesn’t need to. We want to be there for him but I know I’m going to get shut out by him if I confront him and can’t bare the thought of not talking to him for the bit of time we think he has left. I’m so confused about how we even got here and scared for life without my rock. How do I prepare for the death of a parent and how do I make sure mum, my siblings and I get through this in one piece? Sorry for the long post, as you can probably tell I’m struggling a bit today! Thank you and sending love to everyone in a similar position x

1 post

Mum died 4 years ago and I’m still confused by

My mum died suddenly when I was 26. I lived away from home and I got a phone call one day to tell me the news. It was a complete shock, although not that surprising as I had seen her physical health declining in recent years. It’s the 4 year anniversary of her death today and last night it hit me pretty hard. What surprised me was that I still have very mixed feelings about her (feeling of failure that I couldn’t save her and also sadness and disappointment that she abandoned me). I don’t feel just sad and that I miss her like I would grieving anyone else. I often feel anger, resentment and pain attached to it. It’s very similar to the pain I felt as a child when she was drinking and hiding away for days on end (and I felt abandoned and that she cared more about the drink than me). I’ve been working through it in therapy for the last 6 months or so and I’m starting to recognise the triggers of these feelings in my day to day life but I still haven’t worked out how to move past them. I also didn’t expect the pain to still be there with the same intensity after 4 years. Does anyone know if it eventually lessens? Also, does anyone have any tips on how to process this stage of grief? I feel like I’m stuck trying to figure it all out still (why she drank) and I can’t move on and accept it and process my feelings. It feels like no one else in my life will ever understand this but I thought maybe those with similar experiences would be able to share some insight. Grateful for anything you can share and I hope you’re all doing well xxx

I'm struggling by

Hi, I just lost my husband 2 months ago to alcoholism.....alcohol poisoning. We were divorcing and this is the result. I feel guilty, but i tried EVERYTHING I knew too. Myself and our daughters begged and pleaded for more than 10 years...nothing could reach him. He'd make promises....improve for a couple of weeks and then the lies and sneaking would start all over again. I had reached the point where it was ruining our lives and home...we had to have a stop to it. I watched the man I loved....(still love) slowly slipping away until he was completely gone. Its devastating! We are left with Mountains of debt, no life insurance, and two children. He was such a smart man.....it took his job, his family, then him. I've been with him since I was 15...together for 32 years....I dont know where to even begin without him.

Lost my mum by

Hi, I’m struggling to know where to turn or what to do and I’ve ended up here, looking for help from strangers. All my friends are too awkward to be around me or ask how I am since I lost my mum 8 weeks ago. She was an alcoholic who I’d put a little space between us, trying to protect myself as I knew it was inevitable. It hasn’t helped at all and I’m really struggling, made worse as my friends have vanished. I have never felt so lonely in my life and don’t know what to do. I feel so bitter about it on top of everything else. How did other people deal with this? I’m sorry if I seem mopey or full of self pity, I just feel so stuck in a really negative and lonely place. Thank you in advance for any suggestions or help

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