: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

Drugs, alcohol and mental health

348 threads

2502 posts

Does he even care by

My boyfriend is a lifelong crack addict. We’re talking daily use, to varying degrees, only been clean (or had a clear mind as he puts it) maybe a couple years out of 32ish years. He’d convinced me that his age (he’s near 50 now) means he needs and wants to retire from it as he puts it. I try everything to encourage him to make better choices, sometimes he does, but every day with minimal exceptions, he uses again. We are now in a unique situation. He told me at the weekend he’s going to give up for 27days, or he’s a “prick”. I don’t dare ask anymore, but judging by his raging moods, he’s done it. Since then we’ve bickered, he’s tried, and succeeded, to make me jealous, he’s told me he’s questioned our relationship, also at one point he said he didn’t consider us a couple that we’re not together anymore. I’ve told him how much I love him, but all he responded with this time was he likes being with me. He also said that he tried to not call me, but had to. I did pull him up on the jealousy thing, but I think to some degree, sometimes he doesn’t listen or acknowledge me because he can’t accept how bad his behaviour is and would rather block it out. Part of me thinks now he’s gone cold turkey, which I don’t think was a good idea for so many reasons, that he’s now incapable of any positive human emotion. Does anyone believe an addict can experience positive feelings of love and appreciation of their partner if they’re a few days/weeks off the crack? For the first time in our relationship, I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I moved in with my elderly mum before covid, and she only worries if I spend too much time with him, so I visit him at weekends. This week he told me he hates me during the week, he doesn’t feel like he’s in a relationship. For the most part, he’s stopped reading my texts, stopped talking to me on the phone, stopped asking me how I am. Partly I think he’s so disgusted by his behaviour, for how much he relies on me, that sometimes talking to me only forces him to be aware of his failings and shortcomings. It’s almost as though he can’t face me, except when he needs food, or is having a cash flow problem. Does he actually care, or is he just using me? I’m fortunate enough to be in a lucky financial position. I worry now that even if he doesn’t love me anymore, he’s only doing the bare minimum to keep me happy. Part of me is starting to loathe my feelings for him, I’m not one to give up, I’ve been tempted to walk away, but in some ways I know that ends I do, I’m strong enough to ensure I never go back. Insights and opinions welcomed please x

Heartbroken and need help by

Hi to anyone reading this and thank you for giving your time. I’ve posted on here before for advice about my partners drinking and drug use, and things have since escalated (I made the mistake of posting on a more general forum for advice but most people didn’t understand the anguish of being with someone with these issues and I was told by so many people that I have no self respect / esteem / self worth etc. So that was pretty painful - please be kind). I broke up with my partner at the weekend and I’m heartbroken (I’m 27 and he’s 28 and we have been together for 2 years). We got on really well except for problems related to this issue. I can count on one hand the amount of weekends that we have actually spent together because one day is always dedicated to getting drunk and taking coke with his mates. I have no issue with him seeing his friends but they always just get off their faces all night until the early morning hours and he is then hungover all weekend (when he has planned to see me). I have lost count of times this has happened and I have been cancelled on. He also engages in risky behaviour like getting in cars with people who have had a lot to drink and he doesn’t see my issue with this. He just tells me not to worry and it’s ‘his life to live’. Things came to a head a couple of weeks ago as he saw his mates after work on Friday night and I hadn’t heard from him by 3pm the following day. I was worried about him and went to check on him and found him still drunk with a beer in his hand with one of these friends. I decided to break up with him once he’d sobered up, but he convinced me he would prove he could get this under control and I really thought I’d got through to him. Fast forward to this weekend, we arranged to see each other on Saturday night (he is my lockdown bubble as I live alone, whereas he still sees his mates regularly so this is an issue in itself). On Friday, he tried to say he had forgotten that he was suppose to be seeing a friend. I was annoyed but tried to compromise and said I could come later after he had seen said friend. However he refused and we argued as it was only the week before that he convinced me I was a priory to him (he said he doesn’t like ‘bouncing around like that’, yet there has been plenty of times where he has been with me and left to go and meet his friends so this is very hypocritical). I accepted defeat and said I would just meet him on Sunday instead and he used this as an excuse to meet his usual group of mates. It got to 1:30am and he text me (without me asking) to say he was going home soon as he knew it was important to me that he knows when to call it a night. However (and this is what I feel bad for), he still uses an app with his location attached and he posted a picture to this app outside of his house, presumably to make me believe that he was at home. However his location showed that he had actually then got into a car and carried his night on elsewhere. I asked him outright where he was and he said at home and so I called him out for lying and he made a bullshit story up. The next day, he blew up at me and basically blamed me for how he was feeling and said that I have ground him down and he feels like he is living in a ‘glass house’. He said I don’t make him feel loved (despite looking after him in every way and being there every time to pick up the pieces when he is on a comedown). I have been so patient and tried to understand his point of view, but he has pushed me too far this time. It breaks my heart that he views this group of mates as the most amazing people in his life and I’m just a nag that is grinding him down, when in the grand scheme of things they are dragging him down and I am trying to get him out of this mess. He says I’m like a teacher rather than a partner now, but what does he expect when he acts like a 16 year old?! I am just so sad at how we ended up as we used to be so happy, but when I look back he has always centred everything around his friends. I just totally give up and can’t have him making me feel like I am to blame for the demise of the relationship. I would not be getting on his back about this if he actually stuck to his word and tried to sort it out 😔 Any advice or support would be welcome...

About to lose everything because of my cocaine addiction by

I'm going to try and keep this short as I've started writing on here countless times and never go through with it but I've been reading all of your posts for months. I'm 29 and have battled with cocaine addition for maybe 10 years now. In many ways I'm like 2 separate people, the person I portray who is successful, has a good career, well paid job and I have the natural ability to get along with everyone. Then the other side of me that I try to hide at all costs. I'm broke, in debt, I lie so much I can't even remember what the truth is anymore and my entire existence has become about cocaine and how I can get it. Im ashamed of who I am, there's people out there who would swear to you I am the nicest or best person they know but the truth is I am far from that. There is still a side to me that is that person and that small part I have left of the old me is how I've been able to get by for so long, by always being able to get paid well or make myself seem trustworthy. In the past 2 years I've lost my mum to cancer, my dad to a heart attack and me and my partner lost a child. In no way am I saying they are reasons for anyone to give me any sympathy because I have barely even acknowledged any of these things have happend and have used cocaine to simply block out any emotion I have felt. I now have a 3 month old daughter and Thougnt that magically when she was born I'd be able to stop but of course all I have done is distance myself from being home in order to carry on. I am heartbroken at who I have become and if I was looking from the outside in I would tell myself I am a worthless peice of shit. My daughter and girlfriend deserve so much more than who I have become but I can't seem to stop myself no matter how bad the consequences. I don't know what to expect from writing this but I can't keep living this way.

How to feel about it? by

I am really interested to learn what others views are on this, whether or not this is an area for debate or I am just thinking about it all wrong! Do you treat the addiction in your loved ones as an illness or a choice they make? I have always been of the understanding that addiction is very much an illness, yet many people relate to it being choices the person is making. I struggle very much with how I feel about my partners drinking and how to respond to him. Should I be sympathetic or annoyed? Should I continue trying to help and support him, or is he making a choice to lie to me and continue drinking? Is it one or the other? Or a bit of both? I feel completely confused and lost as to how to feel about it all and I would be really interested in hearing from others on this as I am really struggling right now. Thank you.

by sb123

15 posts

Boyfriend left me to recover by

Hi all, I need some insight into my situation because at the moment I’m lost. Doesn’t help that I have covid and am stuck in my house alone whilst going through a heartbreak so my brain is all over the place. My boyfriend ended our relationship 4 days ago, he has a drug and alcohol problem (cocaine mostly) and he has said he needs to heal himself and he isn’t ready to be anything with anyone. He has assured me there is no other reason for ending it but I can’t understand why he has ended a relationship where he himself has spoken about us being forever, marriage and kids. We had even decided to get a place together when I have to move out of mine in 2 months time. We spent a lot of time together and yes I partook in the alcohol and cocaine taking but I can take it or leave it and there were times where I would tell him I didn’t want anymore, he would carry on til it was finished. Unfortunately it was me that funded most of it and now he owes me quite a lot of money as a result. I do feel like I slightly enabled him but I have told him that it needs to slow down when we live together and if we want to start a family. Can someone please just help shed some light on why he would walk away from someone who wants him to get sober and is willing to help him anyway I can, someone he is meant to love and spend his life with?

Struggling with my husband's addiction by

I have been with my husband for 13 years. He had always smoked cannabis but, to be honest, it didn't bother me. I believed that it was a harmless drug and certainly less harmful than alcohol. However, his use increased to the point he was smoking morning, noon, and night. He then started to grow it to feed his habit. I thought rock bottom hit when the police battered down our door and I was charged alongside him, putting the job that I had worked so hard for at risk. He promised never again, but a year later he phoned to tell me not to come home from work, the police were there. Unknown to me, he had been growing a few plants in our garden shed. Looking back, I was so stupid to not realise what was going on, but ultimately the trust was broken and has never recovered. I still catch him with weed, although he no longer grows it (as far as I am aware). Just this weekend, I caught him with it. He goes on the defensive and says that it's not like he is growing it again. He doesn't understand the trauma of being flung in a police cell and charged for something you didn't do and that someone you loved put you there. Everytime he smokes, it is a kick in the teeth and I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Today, for the first time in my life, I felt so down that I couldn't get out of bed. I don't know what to do.

1 post

Partner cheating and taking coke by

I’m feeling really depressed me and my partner have been together for 7 years we have a 4 year old daughter. Our life was perfect he was amazing, handsome everything I dreamed of but for the past 3 years he’s been using cocaine he admitted to me Oct 2018 after I found messages to some girl... I stayed with him and its just spiralled down hill, since then I’ve found multiple messages to random girls so I kicked him out Jan 2020, he went to his mams who isn’t the best influence and I turned up with his daughter as planned and he was asleep with some girl on the sofa, he forgot we where coming wtf! He says he only does it when he’s taken cocaine because it makes him horny and he thinks only about himself at that moment. I was heartbroken and still am because I know it’s not him, we stayed together through lockdown/covid and he’s continued taking cocaine every now and then, whenever I catch him out he’s genuinely remorseful crying begging me to stay with him and that me and our daughter are all he wants he doesn’t know why he does these awful things when he’s had coke... I don’t know what to think I’m so depressed and feel so alone I’m sick of venting to my friends I feel like I just repeat myself, I’m so embarrassed this is still going on after all this time! He’s currently working away and I’ve found loads of emails of him trying to have a one night stand I can’t believe it again!!!! I’ve told him I know and he’s crying saying he regretted signing up he wasn’t going to do anything he was just horny and being a creep.. he said he felt sick after and was looking at photos of me thinking why am I doing this blah blah.... wtf do i do I know I need to leave him but I love him so so much I just want the old him back :( I want my daughter to have her dad around I worry what he’ll do without me as his own dad died from drugs. Sorry for the long paragraph I have so much to get off my chest :(

Newly separated from alcoholic partner, struggling!! by

Hi, I'm new on here and to be honest, never thought I'd need to here. I've been with my partner 10yrs, lived the tireless life of lies, deceit, debt( caused by him), guilt, hidden bottles, drink driving, police coming to the house as kids were terrified on a couple of occasions- you get the jest? And the final straw came 2 weeks ago when he was found drunk in our local town at lunchtime, I picked him up, packed his stuff and told him I can't do this anymore. My depression and anxiety is through the roof, I've had to take time of work, I work nights and my eldest child would ring on every one of my night shifts scared and crying as my partner would be drunk in charge of the kids, which then affected my ability to do job. I feel angry that I still love him dearly, the sober version of him anyhow, Have I made the right decision ? I'm struggling with my guilt. I keep telling myself, this is what he needs realisation of what hes lost. He says he wants to stop, and Is seeking help, but then I get the phone calls where I know hes had a drink but hes trying to act sober. I'm trying to be positive but after losing all my trust through the years of lies, and me believing ( stupidly) his words of, I'm cutting down, I'm sorry for what I'm putting you all through etc it's hard to see a way forward, I hope he gets the help he needs, and I hope I stop feeling so shit for not being able to stop this, it's so heartbreaking.

Boyfriend with cocaine addiction by

So it’s nearly 4am and for the second night I’m in bed and my boyfriend is downstairs awake. I know he’s done cocaine. He thinks I can’t tell but who would still be up now. It’s obvious he just can’t sleep because of it. He was up all night last night and slept all day. I feel like I’m single. I can’t seem to break myself out of his cycle. I have never taken drugs but I can completely understand his situation but the broken promises and the debt I’m now in because of this. I am now depressed. I had counselling as I thought it would help me to help him but I can’t afford that anymore. He tells me he will get help and writes these lists to say he’s helping himself but nothing happens and it just gets worse again.

by Frankie

34 posts

Coke rules my life by

Spose the title of this thread is the brief summary of my life... stop there if ya like Cos I do tend to waffle on once I start and will probably bore ya to death with the long version.... I’m 45 this year a middle age mum with everything someone could appear to need in life a good childhood/upbringing/parents Ive got a safe warm beautiful home a kind supportive stable hardworking partner and 2 healthy beautiful kids I am loved I am blessed I have more to be grateful for than lots of other people in the world yet here I am totally fu*king up my life I used to smoke weed and go out raving in my teens/early 20s then bout 20 years ago started doing coke Annnnnd can’t find the inner strength to stop and for some bizarre reason it’s got more out of control in the last ten years or so when my life has been at its most stable and I have every reason in the world to not do it Want it need it or crave it yet I’ve literally got everything I need and yet I’m literally constantly teetering on the edge of losing it all because of what or who I am I’m not a nice person really I am manipulative sly greedy selfish I lie constantly to hide my secret life and to enable me to facilitate my addiction We moved town last year I hoped that would help but I’ve managed to excuse the pun sniff out new contacts locally and here I am same old me at odds with myself hating myself but not helping myself and just carrying on my brain being fuelled by trying to find money to get gear finding some gear ticking gear doing gear hating myself for doing gear then next day waking up and going through it all again I am not a social user I’m a secret user I don’t go out and do it I stay indoors I hide it well my partner ain’t stupid he knows I’ve got a problem but not any idea just how bad I’ve even got to the point now I can even sit down and eat dinner with him and the kids (even tho I don’t wanna) when I’m on it just to make him think I’m not doing it! That’s how fu*ked up and sky I am!! I am prob doing it on average 4 times a week most weeks but if I’ve got money it burns a hole in my brain and if I had the access to funds I’d prob do it even more if I ain’t got the money I’m ticking it or I’m devising ways to make the money or lying to get it out my partner cooking the books and basically putting my selfish needs above that of my own family Don’t get me wrong my kids are looked after loved well turned out and have never gone without but if I didn’t do what i do they’d have even more I refuse to officially ask for help Cos no way am I having that sh*t on my records no way am I risking losing our kids I have looked into going to addict meetings but il be honest I’m a snob ya see them standing outside these places “looking” like addicts and I don’t want to be associated with the likes of them!when truth is I am one of them I don’t believe in counselling I’ve tried it in the past and not found it helpful So at this point il also mention I’ve got long term physical and mental conditions I’ve been mentally unstable my entire adult life and on long term perscribed meds’ antidepressants painkillers I suffer horrendous pmt hormonal imbalances Depression low self esteem anxiety and binge eat I get referred to consultants and fobbed off for everything I have self harmed I have been suicidal I’ve recently been assessed by the mental health team but yet again kinda fobbed off with it being hormonal and left to get on with it then I just carry on self medicating and living this miserable life ruled by the cycle of Coke I look at my kids and hate what I am I look at my hubby and hate what I am they deserve better way better I love them so so so so very much but it’s like my brain loves coke more than it loves them told ya I’d bore ya to death I’m going to stop now Cos my fingers and heads hurting and I’m boring myself now too lol I’m sorry nonidea where all that just come from actually no I do just quickly I have done some tonight as normal then I see the gazza video and it got me thinking how very sad and tragic it was to watch him how vulnerable he looks and how if someone who had that much money and access to help can’t get help he needs what hope has someone like me ever got of beating my demons and my addiction ???? x

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