: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

Drugs, alcohol and mental health

62 threads

392 posts

Wife secret drinking by

I don’t know where to turn, no one to talk to, would appreciate some views, don’t know what to do. Together 20 years, early 40’s, 2 beautiful kids, very well paid job, wife at home, foreign holidays, no debt, not even a mortgage. Things ought to be pretty good. A couple of years ago, pretty much to the day, I discovered my wife was secretly drinking. She’d always liked a drink, but this was startlingly heavy, I calculated about 150 units p/w. I raised this with her, said she had to get some help and supported her through some brief counselling. Since then she has continued to drink pretty much every night, just a glass of wine or a beer, saying she has it under control, likes a drink to unwind. However, I have found on more than one occasion that she has been drinking during the day too, and she certainly always goes for it on social occasions. I have confronted her 3 or 4 times more over the last couple of years, and each time she says it isn’t a problem, or I’m to blame, or she denies it. Last summer I raised it and she said I was controlling, that she wanted to get a job, to have her own money etc and that I was the reason she needed to drink. I tried to adapt, I even started giving her £500 every month in cash to spend on herself, whatever she wanted, no questions asked. That stopped in February when I found she was secretly drinking again (clearly the cash wasn’t helping). Last night I came home from work to find her acting suspiciously, usual hallmarks of her drinking, she was cooking the dinner but could barely string a sentence together, wouldn’t look me in the eye. Then I found an empty water bottle in a kitchen cupboard which still had a few drops of wine in the bottom. She’d been out shopping that day (driving) and my guess is that she’d taken it with her. I’ve caught her doing this twice before (with vodka previously). I discovered last night’s bottle after dinner when she was about to drive one of my children to an event. I took over, and when I got back I handed her the empty bottle and asked for an explanation. She tried to act surprised but had nothing to say. We nearly split a couple of months ago when, again, I discovered she was secretly drinking although she denied it. Indeed we agreed to separate, but we had a big holiday all booked and didn’t want to let the kids down. We arrived back this weekend and we had a great time. Everything seemed ok but looking back she did drink every day. Usually a couple of large pinots during the meal, plus maybe a beer or 2 beforehand and maybe a glass or 2 of wine afterwards. But she was on holiday, so it’s not unusual to have a few drinks is it and I didn’t want to spoil things or be criticised for trying to control her. Despite all this, she seems to function ok, rarely has a hangover, you can’t easily tell she’s even had a drink a lot of the time. It’s not as if she is aggressive or ‘drunk’ as such, which does make me question whether I am overplaying this. And I’m pretty confident that she has completely stopped for a few weeks at a time, so maybe she does have control over it. She certainly won’t admit there is a problem, won’t talk to me about it, won’t seek help. Probably the worst it’s got for me is a year or so ago when I found she was hiding vodka in one of my kids bedroom (after I’d found her other hiding places) or when I stopped her driving one of my kids to a party with vodka in her handbag (she swore she was taking it with her to get rid of it). I’m seriously thinking about leaving, but I don’t want to leave my children. She’s a great mum, they love her dearly, and they’re very settled at home, so I wouldn’t want to disturb that situation. But it means I would be the one moving out, living on my own. I’d also not want other people to know the reasons so as to protect her and the kids, which probably means people would not understand and ostracise me. Either way, the future looks pretty bleak. Occasionally I think about ending my life but not seriously, I love my kids too much. I think I’ve been pretty calm and patient with her. I’ve generally spoken in soft terms, tried to reflect an understanding of what she might be going through, but I’m getting to the point where I’m starting to feel angry. I was so annoyed last night. After I showed her the bottle and she didn’t have an explanation I didn’t say anything more, just avoided her and slept downstairs. It is now nearly 8pm the next day, I’m still in the office and I don’t want to go home any more. Am I missing something here? Is there something I should be doing? I know there are always 2 sides to a story. I must be at fault somehow, at least partly, but I don’t know what to do for the best.

by Clara1

7 posts

Partners coke addiction by

My partners coke addiction is destroying me! None of this will probably make sense but im hoping getting it off my chest might help. Hes done coke which was socially for about 10 years but the last 5 has been a back and forward thing but i suppose i was in denial myself for a long time. Because i didnt have proof hed manage to lie to me where money had gone ect. It has been bad for a long time weve split so many times and hes promised the world and weve tried again and then im back here again crying with that pain in my chest. I know i need to leave because its not guna get better any time soon and i know the longer i stay with him or keep going back and fourth im going to end up in such a dark place myself. I know hes not ready to stop and they have to be ready they have to want it. It breaks my heart hes my first love we have been together 9 years since i was 16. Its so fustrating because the stuff is everywhere around. theres so many dealers in just the village we live in never mind a the 5 mile radius around us. It angers me so bad. I just feel like its all so unfair! My dad is a heroin addict has been my whole life hes walked in and out of my life. It was something i struggled so bad with growing up all i ever wanted was my dad growing up. Hes put us through it. Finally a couple of years ago i started to feel like i was over that but now im back at that stage its like a double wammy i feel so hurt and let down all i ever wanted was for him to be there for me and now im doing again with my partner. Like how is that fair i have cried my whole life because of soneones addictions and the effects it has. Im fed up! Its like me and my partner will be getting on for a little while then well have an amazing day or 2 then all of a sudden its ripped away from me again! Thats exactly how it would be growing up id see my dad for abit hed promise me alsorts hed pick me up ect then boom hed no longer be around. Its just like history is repeating itself. My partner got home on thursday, oh it was amazing he was in such a lovely mood tell me how much he loved me , like hed just realised it again kind of thing basically his words, friday again such a lovely day. Im really feeling positive by this point things are lookibg good, saturday day agsin a good day. I could tell hed clearly not had any Saturday i fall asleep on the couch then go to bed. He ends up at a friend till past 4 sniffed up. He gets up for a little bit then sleeps till 5.30 gets up think he might of had some more thst night i took myself to bed and he went to see his mate. Sleeps alot of sunday then boom all hell breaks loose because hes on a come down. How is any of this fair. I tell him if your not ready fair enough tell me just walk away leave me because i dont have the strengh no more. Theres a complete lack of communication vecause he wont talk to me. He just wont talk! He lies his come downs are so bad he spends majority of his wages and he earns good money too. I can basically catch him red handed but he still wont admit it. Like he think im stupid when i know full well or have evidence. I know ive gone on already but if i actually got it all out id be here all night. I dont know what i actually want to get from posting this maybe its to get alittle bit of my chest so i can go to sleep. Im just so angry at the world and hurt! Some days i just wish i could pack up and run away. Im at the point i hate the village i grew up in a loved. Mojority of the people you pass in the street is rather on it or selling it.

Codeine abuse? by

I’m currently going through a reduction regime as I became addicted to Codeine about 10 months ago. I started the reduction on 28 30mg tablets a day and I’m now on 5. I was just wondering whether it is normal to feel some sort of withdrawal? Even though you’re still taking it? I reduce 30mg every 2 weeks so it is a slow process but I can feel the difference. Im also afraid I’ll miss the feeling of the euphoria which I tend to crave and I don’t want to end up relapsing. I’m just looking for support to help me towards realising that being under the influence of Codeine doesn’t need to be my way of life. I became addicted to codeine because I endured a traumatic birth of my daughter and ended up with a second degree tear of the muscles in my birth canal then followed by various infections which were incredibly painful. I was stitched up and prescribed Codeine for the pain and discharged the next day. It was then that I realised that it took away and masked post natal depression and made me what I thought feel happier and less tired. And obviously as I grew tolerate to opioids I felt I had to keep increasing the dose and it just escalated from there. It’s not a way of life I want for myself but I find it difficult to imagine life without it ????

Heavy binge drinker by

Hi, I’m new here and I’m sharing some thoughts that I’ve never expressed to anybody before. I would be so grateful for some insight. My other half is the sweetest person I know and doesn’t drink often. However when she does drink, she really goes to town and gets ‘blackout’ drunk where she doesn’t remember the things she’s said or done. One of the things that I’ve experienced is that she tends to say very hurtful things about how she feels I’m not worth it when she gets to that stage of drunkenness. When I confront her when she’s sober, she says that she honestly doesn’t know why she would say those things to me, because they are genuinely not her real thoughts. I know my friends say silly things whilst drunk, and I can look past it, but it does hurt coming from my partner and I am afraid when she gets too drunk that she’ll say hurtful things again. My questions are as follows: 1) has anybody experienced this kind of situation before and what came out of it? 2) it’s obviously very difficult to say, but are those really her thoughts? I’ve done some research and I’ve learned that alcohol inhibits emotions and that the surroundings will often their mood 3) is there a solution to this? How can I help her control her drinking? Thanks very much in advance.

Husband in rehab for alcohol by

Hi I’m new hear and feel as if I am losing my mind ... I have had a really bad year due to my husbands alcohol addiction we have separated 4 times in the last year due to his drinking and lies ... it gets so bad that when we separate he drinks himself into such a state he gets kept in hospital due to withdrawals and seizures he get detoxed in hospital get discharged and the stay sober for a while while living in his mums then I start to see the person I fell in love with and bring him home .. it’s all good for a few months then the signs come back ( finding empty bottles about the house and the lies start all over again ) and we are back to me like a woman posses screaming and shouting putting him out and we are back in the vicious circle again of binges, hospital again .. we have been together 26 yrs and have 2 kids .. he is a great guy when not drinking he HAD a good job was a good provider until his last binge 7 weeks ago ... now I am in a financial mess trying to keep everything going and he is in rehab but why I’m posting is while he is in there fighting his own demons I’m out here angry full of resentment and disappointed we are here again he has called me and I can’t bear to hear his voice cause of what he has done to me and the kids again .. he is due out next month and talking about how he is going to change and when he come home things will be different but I have heard it all before and I’m so confused and bitter I can’t think clearly I don’t know what to do .. do I let him come home I don’t trust him or believe anything he says because I have heard it all before and we end up back here again but he will be homeless if he doesn’t come home and it could send him back to drink but his attitude is making me so bad cause he thinks cause he is in rehab he deserves a pat on the back and everything has to be forgotten but I can’t forget what he had done to us and our marriage ... I keep telling myself do I fling 26 yrs away for the sake of 1 bad year ... I just want someone to tell me that a marriage can be saved after rehab but while I’m so angry hurt and resentful I can’t see how it could work ... sorry for the long post my head is all over the place

1 post

Boyfriend with cocaine addiction by

So it’s nearly 4am and for the second night I’m in bed and my boyfriend is downstairs awake. I know he’s done cocaine. He thinks I can’t tell but who would still be up now. It’s obvious he just can’t sleep because of it. He was up all night last night and slept all day. I feel like I’m single. I can’t seem to break myself out of his cycle. I have never taken drugs but I can completely understand his situation but the broken promises and the debt I’m now in because of this. I am now depressed. I had counselling as I thought it would help me to help him but I can’t afford that anymore. He tells me he will get help and writes these lists to say he’s helping himself but nothing happens and it just gets worse again.

He needs help but is in denial Can we arrange a private intervention? by

My partner of five years is a controlled alcoholic The last year he’s started to drink more & more He’s verbally & emotionally vile when drunk & sometimes violent Last weekend he attacked me & phoned the police stating I’d attacked him I was totally sober & he tripped himself up with his version of what had happened & was arrested He was held overnight & interviewed They didn’t charge him but placed a DVPN on him followed by an application for a 28 DVP Order for my protection The Order was passed but only under no molestation to occur He returned home & is still in denial of what he’s done & that he’s the reason it happened He drank again today & kicked off He used emotional blackmail & threats once again so I phoned his elderly cousins to come over as they had requested me to do so if he kicked off They tried telling him the drinking & behaviour had to stop & literally ran out of the house screaming he’s not to blame, we’re al ganging up on him & refusing to accept responsibility I’m at a loss at what to do now as phoning the police will destroy his career if I involve them again He’s never been arrested or in trouble with the law before & we thought what happened last week would shock him & be the wake up call he needed but it seems to have had the complete opposite on him! Can we arrange a surprise intervention due to him being in denial?

1 post

Parent of student with alcohol dependency by

I think I just need some reassurance based on actual experience. My daughter has told us about her level of alcohol dependency. She admits to needing help. Since the beginning of September term she has struggled and has been referred to student counselling, and then - because of her alcohol dependency - to an addiction service local to her halls. That has not really worked out - she was assigned key worker who has not yet met with her, and she has been to a couple of female only talking groups but tells me she has not spoken yet (it seems like a massive 'ask' to join a group and speak without the support of a worker). I saw all of this as positive - but, following a meltdown this week at home when she told us about her level of drinking and that she wanted to control it - we decided to book some CBT sessions for her - with her consent. They start next week. She tells us she drinks a bottle of wine a night, on top of pub drinking. If anything, I assume she is under-estimating - or under reporting the level. I'm now in a constant state of high anxiety - I am not sure how to cope with this situation and would welcome any feedback from parents, or students who have faced similar challenges. I'm pretty sure she is losing confidence in her ability to do her course - she is not happy at all - but is increasingly belligerent as I get increasingly anxious. I'm feeling out of my depth.


7 posts

Husband suffering from alcohol withdrawal psychosis by

I don't think there's much that can be done, but I'm just feeling so low right now. My husband has had a drink problem for a long long time but because he's been able to have a few weeks or even months after he hits rock bottom, before the cycle starts again he tells himself he's not an alcoholic. He is getting better in that he drinks more rarely now, but when he does he seems to suffer from what I think (having Google searched) would be called alcohol withdrawal psychosis). He gets very aggressive, talks continuously and says very strange things, he's paranoid and if I try to calm him down he claims I'm not supporting him and I'm on 'their side' (whoever he's currently against). He also says really nasty things to me. What really upsets me is that he continues like this in front of our kids who are 5 and 3... And I think our son internalises things and gets very upset. I really don't know what to do. The rest of the time he's a good dad and husband, but it's really like living with Dr Jekyll. I recently suffered a miscarriage and I just feel like I can't take this on top of everything else.

by shaz71

4 posts