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Cocaine addiction Husband v Wife by

After fourteen wonderful years of marriage my loving, hardworking husband has decided he is a different person. It is like someone has invaded his body and mind. Everything that he has held close, my mum our pets and myself are excluded from his life. The only ones remaining are the family and friends that partake in the alcohol and cocaine lifestyle. What was a once or twice a year line of coke has now become a three times a week habit. He stays out all night, comes back smelling of alcohol and high, sleeps for a few hours then throws up all day. He has a constant runny nose and always complains he has a cold or he must have flu. He doesn't lie about the cocaine use but does about the amount he's taking. To witness this happening to my husband is truly heartbreaking and I cannot fight against this addiction. I am now suffering myself from anxiety, panic attacks and sleepless nights. I feel utterly helpless.

by Hox 26

85 posts

Cocaine Psychosis and Blame by

My husband is now out of the house following almost 2 years - maybe more of cocaine use which included significant verbal and emotional abuse towards me by what can only be described as psychotic accusatory persecution and blame towards me for his ‘ unhappiness ‘ , angry offensive and insulting outbursts and drinking issues which literally came from nowhere at all . During this time he obsessed over my past relationships no matter how insignificant they may have been even though we’ve been together for 8 years and he’d never had any issue with this before and quite frankly his past is a million times worse (!!) so this was completely out of order - started telling other people confidential information about me to tear down my character , accused me of breaking every marriage vow when I did nothing wrong except live our Life as we had always known ,go to work look after kids and the home etc he preached to me about honesty when the whole time he has been found out to be telling the most horrific lies ..... he lay in Bed for weeks on end , didn’t help at all , lied about illnesses , money , was gambling , looking at porn stealing things for money ..: he was basically a verbally aggressive angry monster and unrecognisable until an intervention where family worked together to uncover his drug use and prove it .. every close family member was involved and hurt by him emotionally through this process and every relationship he had has been destroyed He is now on a 12 step program claiming to be changed person and sober for 6 weeks . I’ve refused to see him and speak to him and I am still so angry betrayed and humiliated by what he has done to us and our families . I just cannot see way to forgive him or ever trust him again - the whole thing is absolutely horrific

by Hox 26

2 posts

Can't cope anymore...... by

I have been with my husband for nearly 11 years. At the beginning he was the most caring kind attentive partner I've had. He really had me on a pedistool. The first time I can remember him taking cocaine was at the beginning but was at a party and didn't really seem a big deal although I don't touch it myself. I fell pregnant with our first child together after 1year and that's probably when it started happening out of the blue. So much has happened I would be here for weeks writing about it. But the amount of times he has let me down I really can't take anymore. He hallucinates, he looks ugly when he takes it and acts weird, he lies, spends our family money and leaves me until his binge is over with nothing. He has done this on birthdays and Xmas and has let me down too many times. He was off it for around 2 years, we were to get married as his reward and proving to me he wasn't going to do it again. We had our wedding in the carribean with just close family. A few weeks before the wedding he relapse, begged for forgive and we got married. Since the wedding there has been 2 Christmas day ruined. My birthday and my sons birthday ruined and more debt. His mum passed away in June 19 and he was so close to her. His old mate turned up at the funeral and boom shit got a whole lots worse. The guy is an alcoholic and is sitting in his work van every day so he can drink vodka without any of his family finding out. He has bought him it and letting him smoke his cigs. Any time I spend money on food or essentials he moans at me. He can snap so quickly to a rage. Over the last last couple of weeks ther has been 2 relapses. 1st one was after I went for a biopsy, which he doesn't care about either, tells me I'm a drama queen and he will worry when he knows there's something to worry about. He went to work and left me in bed crying in agony as I had inflammation which caused extreme pain and they couldn't complete the biopsy. He was to get my prescription from the docs before work, he didn't, he said he would get kids from school and drop in my prescription, he didn't. I had to collect the kids from his daughter and race to get my daughter to drama. I missed the chemist and by this time was in extreme pain. I got home and he was supposed to be at my mums fixing her sink as it was blocked. He had cancelled 3 days in a row. I walked in bedromm and there he was out his face in bed. I just lost it. I hit him with punches and he just cowered. I grabbed his phone to see what he had been upto. He got really mad and pinned me down trying to get it out my hand. He ripped it from my hand catching my hair and ripped a chunk out. He ran out house and was gone for 24hrs. I told my mum, well said he has an alcohol problem as she doesn't understand that world. She txt him saying how disappointed she was as she really does love him. He turned up full of sorry but within a few hours he was saying I'm never gonna allow you to lay your hands on me again. I was the reason he takes it. All I do is moan. His mood is so all over the place is so hard to live with him. Mugged off again I told him this was his last chance. He has now started this bitter fued with my mum which I haven't told her about that he saying how fucking dare she get involved. Refused to have her in my house for mothers day. Friday night went to bed everything good, woke up at 4am with him searching me in bed, eyes bulging out his head. He was looking for a secret mobile because he says I'm a cheating cow. By the way I'm a homeworker with 4 kids. The next morning I got up and started work. He was clearly out of it because he must of stayed up all night. I told him to stay away from kids. I finished for my break and went upstairs he was gone. Said he wanted to gk see his daughter she's 21 and there always been jealousy issues as she is daddys girl, and at Xmas they had a binge together on Xmas day. Totally ruined dinner for everyone I was so embarrassed. So he goes ther and appears at my door early hour Saturday morning. My daughter got up and let him in. So now we are in the same house, one minute he's sorry the next screaming at me like a physco and he gone to work with his pal, which he said he would stop. Oh and I earn double what he does and he's spending all my wages on this shit and covering it up when I know he is lying and making me feel like a physco. I don't even know who I am anymore. I just can't go on

by Hox 26

9 posts

I neally lapsed on cocaine after 3 week clean and I feel I need to explain: how, why and how I never. by

I have now been 3 week clean from cocaine, and I'm doing my best to stop - I hate the stuff. But this last week, I have been dreaming of using Everyday. I went to bed early tonight, and i was having a dream; were I had just bought 2 bags of coke. I literally woke up at 8.30pm (as I was sniffing in my dream). All that was on my mind was getting cocaine!!. Today I felt great - you could of held it in front of me, and I would off said 'no!'. So I got up, got my clothes on, and said to my gf 'I'm off to the shop'. I was driving to my dealers which was literally a 5 min drive. All I was thinking was; do I really want to do this?, all that effort in the last 3 weeks (gone), feeling shit in the morning and so on.... with in a split second I turned right down a street, and went back home!, and back in bed. Now if this was last week or the week before, I would of Carried on - and got the coke. So, what I am trying to say is; our brain is so powerful and can trick us even in our sleep - so we can get drugs. Also saying 'no' does get easier each week. Obviously you might have a bad day, and if it was after a week or 2 - I would of been weak and would of used. On the plus side now, I feel great, relieved and i know I'll have a great day, feeling fresh on Easter Friday. Have a good Easter everyone :)

by Harl

6 posts

Cocaine - really is the road to ruin by

Heartbroken One week before Christmas (2019) my partner of 22 years left our family home, leaving us all devastated. He basically admitted using cocaine "on and off" for the last six months (Dec 2019), but said he hasn't got an issue with it (yeh right). Leading up to him leaving he had not came home one night whilst he was on his works Christmas party, but told me that he had "stayed at a friend's place playing cards". His behavior had changed, cold, distant, nasty, telling me he did not know what he wanted anymore" etc. Finally he admitted going home with a stranger and what's more attempted to have unprotected sex - I say attempted Because he said he could not perform. He relished in telling me all the sordid details which broke my heart - all in front of one of our older children. Apparently she gave him a BJ and then said "it's not your thing is it" - nasty beyond words. Before all this I can honestly say that he was a loyal, loving family man, however I can now hardly recognize the man he is now. I was told after the confession that he no longer loves me (news to me), and that his unhappy and we were going through the motions. I am shocked as I like to think I am quite perceptive and would have picked up on whether he was unhappy or not but I can honestly say that a part from normal every day family struggles we were fine. I was then blamed for his drug use and everything else in his life that he views as negative. My mother passed away in 2017 and he even mentioned how I withheld sex while I was grieving - like I said already he was so nasty to me it's heartbreaking. I asked him to leave and he went straight away. His since asked for money, blamed me still and denied having an issue with cocaine. What hurts is that he continues to blame me for his destructive behaviours and hardly bothers with our two children. We also have a family pet dog who is on her last legs which he used to love - nope he just doesn't seem to care about any of us. It's as though we are not existent. He is living with his mother who has apparently taken him to the doctors and they have prescribed medication, however if he is still using cocaine I can't see how affective that would be. His mother is a vindictive women that could possibly do more harm that good. I've got so low in mood I've taken time off work - two months now, lost a stone and half, and even considered ending my own life. I have literally been left heartbroken. I feel as though I was blindsided and robbed of my life. I've been with this man since I was 17 years old and I have to say that I miss the man I once knew. I feel lost and because I'm dealing with everything as he has projected it on to me without an apology I feel as tho my own recovery will take longer. I can't seem to let go. Although, I also can't get over the betrayal. I'm gutted. People say "you deserve better" but in truth that's unhelpful, although probably right because no one deserves this shit. What I'm struggling with is the blaming. Does he really believe I'm to blame? Perhaps it's denial on his part I don't know l, but how can I be responsible for him lying, taking drugs and cheating on me. I've even blamed myself which is upsetting also. I keep crying and I'm gutted that this drugs has torn my family apart.

My 9 years of morphine use by

It’s taken years to admit to anyone my secret! My secret being I lived for morphine! 1996 I had two back operations and 1997 I had an ileostomy due to crohns! So at an early age (18) I had a taste for pethadine and then morphine Having major surgery you have no choice about how much morphine is pumped into you 2014 and 2015 two small bowel resection and 2016 discectomy on my spine So as you can imagine I’ve never stopped taking morphine due to unbearable pain! Then in 2012 my GP made an error on my script! Instead of 600mls of oramorph in a week she prescribed 1800mls. By 2012 the opiate had grabbed hold of me and was no longer as choice of mine to not take it when I didn’t have pain! I will never ever judge anyone who takes drugs as I know once Ure in that circle going round and round you just cannot get off it so to speak 3 months ago I moved and joined a new surgery! Why did I hate my new doctor??? He wanted to reduce my morphine straight away! I was in shock! I never slept that night and my life was full of dread I was terrified as I knew what I was like without my morphine! 2012 I was on 200mg twice a day of MST! Today I’m now on 60mg twice a day of zomorph which is a 12 hour capsule. Oh and 20mls oramorph a day I have spent the last three months living in bed! I ran out twice of medication a day early and my GP would not help me so I cut my wrists badly My GP is a no nonsense doctor but am I wrong to blame the doctors for doing this to me It was never the operations I had to get over it was coming of opiates I spend everyday shaking in bed, sweating, I’m moody, Ive become violent towards my partner who I love dearly and so very sorry for my behaviour I’m crying out for support, Ive just had an MRI Scan and have two prolapsed discs so while my pain meds are being reduced I’m left in agony My GP wrote for an appointment three months ago for the pain clinic but failed to send any info about my health of which has delayed things I’ve just bought Russell Brands Addiction book but I never feel like reading it Every two weeks now I’m dropped 10mg! What am I going to be like in a months time if I can’t even get out of bed yet Morphine has ruined my life! I’m totally addicted and I’m sorry for it! I’m sorry for not being honest, I’m sorry to my parents who saw the problem before me! I’ve lost a husband! I’ve lost my home! It’s been terrible I can’t see me being strong enough to get through this! I need support from who is going through the same Oh and may I add my addiction started with codiene then tramadol and now morphine How can someone take morphine for 20 years. I’ve never been able to have children and now I think I know why!!! Please please help I’m desperate and very sad Adele x

When the addict leaves by

Hello everyone, I hope everyone reading this is well. I live abroad in Spain and met my partner as soon as I arrived. Initially I found his disappearances and financial problems strange but I couldnt even have imagined the truth that he had an addiction to cocaine which he had been hiding from me. He told me the truth and asked me to help and support him, the was no doubt that I wanted to be there for him even when we were followed by dealers in a car chase on the motorway which was one of the scariest moments of my life. We moved to another city half an hour away by the beach where we know no one to be away from temptation. He asked me to take control of his bank accounts so that he couldn't spend on drugs. The first few weeks were bliss and I naively thought that everything could get better. He has a 2 year old son from a previous relationship and shares custody and the three of us were a "happy little family" or so I thought until it happened again. I stupidly had set up rules for the flat (contract in my name) which he had agreed to that if he ever used he wouldn't be allowed to come home. Probably 3 or 4 times I locked him out and he was calling all night and banging the door down at 4am begging me to let him in out of the cold. I didnt want to enable him and I wanted there to be consequences for his use but I look back now and I just feel so so sad that I did that to him and see that it drove a huge wedge between us. The more he would lie the more angry I would get and somewhere it seems that he stopped loving me and I just found it unbearable. I became an insecure wreck (which partly is down to the lies, insults and gaslighting he subjected me to) asking for more an more reassurance. I felt scared and lost because this is all new to me and in a new place with no friends or family around its only him that I could go to for that comfort. I thought that quarantine would help us and the first 10 days he stayed home as he feel seriously unwell with covid19 and I nursed him as well as I could. He had severe symptoms and it was genuinely so scary seeing him unable to breathe having chest pains and not being able to get any help as the drs deemed his case mild. I just felt helpless and so so thankful when he recovered. I could finally be relieved and just enioy time with him... of course the next day he "went to the supermarket" and ended up going back to our old city, using. I knew and when I confronted him (nicely) he told me I had psychological issues. Things got very heated over the course of a few hours and he ended up grabbed me hard and pushing me which left me with bruises. He left that night, came back a few days later but created a fight out of nowhere and left with his child to move back in to his parenrs house. Now the rational part of me knows that he had been paid so he started the argument so that he could storm off and be free to use. Checking our bank accounts its clear. However I cant forgive myself and I cant stop going around in circles in my head asking myself what could I have done? Why was I so cruel and controlling locking him out and insisting on confronting him time and time again when deep down I knew the truth? Hes gone and it literally feels like someone has ripped my heart out because with everything that is going on in the world right now and being so far away from family and friends, losing my job.. hes gone and taken my stepchild away too and ita just so lonely. I compare this with how i felt lying next to him knowing he'd lied and I would take that any day over this feeling I have now that hes gone. In the 10 days hes been away hes spent over 1000 euros on cocaine and gambling. It makes me feel sick knowing the debts he has not least to me, he also used my debit card to gamble online while hes been gone without my permission. I just feel so rejected. I tried everything I could and I'm willing to keep trying but he seems happier and more comfortable where he is on self destruct. Has anyone ever been through this? Does the addict come back when they realise they want to change? Is it pathetic that I want him to come back? I love him and there is so much good in him that exists alongside the bad it seems as if no one understands that. I see the transactions on his account and I can imagine the fear and pain hes feeling.. the desperation. My heart is breaking for him and also for myself. To anyone who made it through to the end of this, thank you so much for reading. Take care all.

1 post

Looking for help by

Hello. My partner and I have been together for 2 and a half years, he has always used drink and drugs recreationally but as we’ve become closer and are now living together it’s clear that his use is much more than recreational and generally he drinks most days and uses drugs most weekends and often into the week too. I am not a heavy drinker or drug user and his substance use makes me feel uncomfortable. I can tell it does no good for his mental health either. For over a year now drink and drug use has been a constant issue, we have had so many arguments, promises and agreements. Unfortunately we just seem be going round in the same circle over and over again. My boyfriend will make promises and then end up breaking them and lying to me, I hate the dishonesty and this ends up in further arguments about trust in our relationship. I feel like I am always getting it wrong, I want to help him live without drugs and I want to be happy too, but I can’t seem to get there. I have given so many ‘final’ chances that neither of us believe that any more, every time he breaks my trust he gets so upset and I end up feelin awful and comforting him. This year I chose to go to relationship counselling on my own to try and navigate this situation and I am always looking into addiction support for my partner. Right now I feel like I’m carrying this burden alone and I need my partner to work with me, but I keep letting him do the same things again and again, I’m not sure when or how this situation will end and I’m worried that I am enabling his behaviour, which will Just allow it to carry on until it breaks our relationship. I’m just looking for advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

Back at it AGAIN by

I should be here laying next to boyfriend, but I’m not He’s skitzing in the spare room This social distancing and isolation have brought him back to the dark place he didn’t want to be in I was frightened of the pandemic I’m running out of money I’m tired of scanning social media trying to find something to hold on to and believe in When I have someone here who could hold me The tears WILL NOT come I so want them Something to cleanse my aching soul and mind So, I sit here numb I can’t afford to leave, and it feels like too much on my heart and mind to stay My boyfriend just got released from state jail in November 2019 with hopes of immediately finding work. He had one year sober until he kept getting rejected or just missing getting hired for work. I knew he was down but it's like he just gave up trying. I feel really lonely and I can't talk to my family because they forget their pasts and become overly judgmental. I can't talk to his mom because she babies him and he is 50 years old. This virus has me worried about my children and grandchild and he is just focused on his self. I want to go to a hotel but honestly I cannot afraid it. I just wanted to tell someone how I felt before I implode. I really need a hug and I wish someone was here to tell me it would be okay.

by FRH92

34 posts

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