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Cocaine husband I need some advice :-( by

Hi everyone, I have just rang FRANK and they gave me this website as they said it would help me as others will be going through the same thing. I found out last Jan that my husband was a cocaine addict through a lot of money going missing out of the joint account, I never realised as I had no reason to suspect anything. He left home and continued for 2 months doing a lot of drugs, in this time I became a wreck and was checking everything, phone records, emails, following him I became a spy to my shame. In March he came home as he was trying to sort himself out and I didn't want to turn my back on him. He lost his job so I took a loan out so we would be ok for money. It was hard but I thought he was doing ok. He told me the area we lived in was a trigger so we sold our house (one we had spent years doing up) and rented until we decided where we wanted to live, so he now has a lot of money in his bank account which is worrying me as we spent so many years doing the house up and made a good profit. Fast forward 3 weeks ago, we got back off holiday and he was acting strange and started an argument so said so you want me to leave, all planned I can see now and he left. He took £1000 out that night and continued to take more out each night. On the 4th day he came around and told me it was all my fault I treated him like dirt, I spoke to him badly and we were never happy. He is staying at his sisters house and says he is getting himself better as what's more important than our marriage is his health. (I agree with that I suppose) What I am struggling to cope with is all the support I have given him and he has just tossed me aside like a piece of rubbish (I know I am being selfish and making it about me but its how I feel at the moment) I have no one to talk to as friends and family where there 1st time around but they wont be this time around. I cant eat, sleep, its affecting my job, my mind is on overdrive imagining all different scenarios, I am just not in a very nice place at the moment. It has now turned to him txting saying he isn't coming back home (I didn't ask him to) and he needs to be on his own. I am so confused has anyone been through similar and how did you cope. Thanks in advance.

by Mjay

16 posts

Let down again by

After 3 years on coke and £60k lighter , partner spoke to me about it at start of September. Been here several times before ... but this time seemed different. Searched out help and support groups and everything was great for first week. He went to 5 CA meetings in first week. Things slipped second week and now although he says he’s going .... I don’t believe a word. In fact, I just feel I cannot trust a thing he tells me. Coke seems to have stopped - no sniffing nose, bloody nose or big cash withdrawals or psychotic behaviour. But, this has been replaced by an equally problematic alcohol problem. It’s like one addiction has been substituted for another. He will often drink out on front porch leaving cans of lager everywhere. I’m totally mortified as feel as though my life is an episode of Shameless. I just cannot get my head round all of this. How can someone who was totally anti drugs and very rarely took a drink turn into this person. The effects of the alcohol seems the same as the drugs. It’s like a one person hurricane and literally causes havoc to the lives of everyone he comes into contact with. I keep wanting things to get better and always have it in the back of my mind that ‘maybe this time’ things will be different. Although ... it never ever is different. It’s like the years of abuse has changed something in his brain and I don’t know if I will ever get that person back again. I’m just sitting on my own after a day from hell with him. He’s sleeping in bed. It’s like when the hypnotist clicks his fingers and they are back in the room. Thing is, I don’t know how many more performances I can sit through. Fed up being blamed by him, subjected to nasty text messages and told I’m the one who should apologise. Thanks for listening as just needed to get this off my chest x

by Holton

10 posts

Can't cope and feel all alone. by

Hi everyone, I made my account today, after feeling so exhausted dealing with my husband's alcohol abuse that I don't really know what else to do. I feel all alone with this because I moved Country to live with my husband and although I have made friends and get along really well with his family, I don't have any of my own family or my really close, childhood friends, so I feel like this is a battle I have to face for myself. What's extremely hard for me is my father is and always has been an alcoholic, and I promised myself I would not go down that path, but I know it is common to fall into these situations, it still really hurts. My husband is Jeckyl and Hyde - the man I love and married is the sweetest, most cooperative person in the world, the only man I want to have my life, children, and future with. I can't possibly consider any other life than the one with this man. But when he drinks, he becomes truly evil. He is incredibly aggressive (though never laid a hand on me and I know he won't, this is the only thing I have faith in) like he used to always smash furniture, now he more just "bangs" things or threatens to smash things, but mostly he just says whatever he can to bring me down to his level and make me as miserable as he is. He will insult me, whistle at me like a dog, and just say whatever below the belt things he can. The problem is I am not meek, I will scream and shout back, even though I know it doesn't help, I can't help myself, I am so angry and frustrated. I have tried every trick in the book - to ignore him, move to another room, whatever. It doesn't work, he will keep shouting at my face until he breaks me, slam on the door of the room I'm in etc. He drinks during the day then comes home late so I cannot escape the house, I have to get up for work after all. So there is no escape from him. The only moment I feel relief is when he falls asleep, but this can take all night. Today feels more difficult than other times because we are flying back to the UK tomorrow for my Uncle's funeral, he passed very suddenly and everyone loved him, this has been hard on the family and also on me being so far away from him and them all. My husband has a pattern of always having one of his drinking episodes the night before I have something important, but this one makes me furious. I need him so badly right now, this is why I have a partner is to support me, I am supporting him through thick and thin and getting nothing in return, and he still cannot be here for me. He goes to weekly therapy sessions and takes Antabuse but he still drinks, it is too weak or his tolerance is too high, many times he simply lies about taking it, and he will drink at least 3 times a week, and is just awful whenever he does. But then the other days he is so apologetic and makes me feel like I could never leave him. I feel weak to the love I have for him when he is being good, even though I feel devastated and like I can't go on during the days he drinks. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I have lost my entire self in this process, I was doing so much self care when I met him and now four years in everything is just about him and his abuse. I feel that I have tried everything, we have done therapy (though couples therapy is too expensive to maintain regularly), he goes to his meetings, I go to therapy by myself. I try to indulge in my hobbies but nothing helps, my entire life is around him. I call him several times a day worrying about him coming home late knowing he's been drinking, I spend all the daytime worrying about whether it will be a good or bad night. All my thoughts go into it. I have become a shriveled mess, I have such little joy in so few things and I am obsessing over his every move. We have had 1001 conversations about it, when he is good he says and does all the right things which gives me hope and keeps me holding on, but he always goes back. I am also 24 and he is 32, yet I feel like his mother, I take care of him, the house, accounts, and everything. Tonight I have packed both of our suitcases for tomorrow, cleaned the house, done laundry, dishwasher, changed sheets. Bear in mind this is not our agreement, I have also held a steady and demanding job our entire relationship, been the sole bread winner for a while as he has done a late Master's degree. I only had dinner and he still asked for half of my food and I gave it to him hoping it would line his stomach from the booze, and if that's not a metaphor I don't know what is - taking from my own plate to give him 1.5 portions and then being starving myself after. Now I should be sleeping for getting up early tomorrow but it's so late and I'm so wired and upset. I have tried to ask for a separation three times we have been living separately, but each time I get weak after a while, miss him desperately and just want him home, but of course he comes back and is good for a bit, gives me what I missed, and then my tolerance builds. He builds me up and breaks me down. My therapist says I need to try to be understanding as his issue is physiological and I do my best telling him I'm proud when he's been honest that he's drunk and telling him I understand it's hard for him when he's doing bad, but even still later he starts screaming in my face, throwing his ring at me, tonight he has said he won't fly with me to the funeral tomorrow. I am so hurt and dejected. Please help, even just getting some replies here from others who understand will make me feel that little bit less alone. Thanks for reading.

I think my Partner is using again. by

Hi, I really don't know what to do. I really need advise. My boyfriend and i have been dating for about a year. We were together for a few months when i found out i was pregnant. He had a history of drug use before we started dating, but he was 2 years sober. When i was about 3 months pregnant his behavior started changing and he started lying to me about everything. I was a student at that time and my parents paid for everything so i didnt realize that our money started disappearing. When i told my parents about the pregnancy they cut me off and we had to get a new apartment and i was financially dependant on him. A few weeks passed and we barely had any food to eat, no electricity and we had to move out. He told me it was his boss who held back his money and started spinning stories. I went to his sister during the day and showered and ate there. He didnt care about me. He treated me so bad. He locked me inside the flat and stole my car because i told him there wasnt enough petrol to drive him to work and for me to go to the doctor so he had to walk. He never got physical but he menatally abused me. When i asked him about his behavior he always said it was all in my head and that it was my fault that he treated me that way and i started to believe him. I grew up in a very good neighborhood, so i didnt even know what drugs were or what the signs of abuse were. I started complaining to his sister and she eventually told me that he was on drugs and that they knew all the time but tried to get him to stop without me knowing. When i went home that night and confronted him he flat out denied it and told me im not allowed to go to his family ever again. He also "didnt get paid" so i went to his sister. Her husband went over to my flat to confront him. He then admitted to him that he had a problem. They removed all the drugs from my flat. There was so much drugs that he could have been dealing. He still didnt admit it when i asked about it. I packed my stuff and decided to leave him. Only then did he admit it. I told him he can get one last chance if he left everything behind and break all contact with his friends who use and he agreed. Whe moved in with my parents in another city because i found out that his other sister and his boss supply him with drugs. Everything went fine and we were doing so good. We left there when i was about 5 months pregnant. I had the baby about 6 weeks ago. Thats when everything went downhill. He started getting moody again and he keeps on withdrawing money from his account. And our agreement was that he only swipe. Because i have trust issues with him after everything. And he is starting to eat less again. There was a huge withdrawal a few weeks back and he told me it wasn't him his card must be cloned. So we went and got him a new card. But money still goes missing. He tells me its for food and siggarettes. And then i ask him why he doesnt swipe his card for the food and he says that he is afraid of his card being cloned again. And its like he has no interest in our daugher anymore. He just sleeps the whole time when he is home or he is on his phone. And i found messages on his phone from his old dealer friends. When i asked about it he told me they initiated contact and he doesn't want to talk to them. But on his call log it shows him calling them first. I confronted him tonight about everything and he just blew me off and told me he is clean and got into my car and sped of. I dont know what to do anymore. I really want to believe that he is clean but everything tells me he is not. I have trust issues. Every time i asked him about it he lied right to my face so how do i know if he is telling the truth now? Or am i just over reacting? I told him during the pregnancy that if he ever used again he would never see me or our daughter again because i will not raise a child in those circumstances. And i cant help but think that that made him scared of admitting the truth to me.

Never ending nightmare by

My brother has had problems with alcohol dependency for a long time, since his late teens I would say. It has gotten worse and worse to the point this year that he had to enter his first rehab clinic for treatment as he was physically unable to stop drinking. I’m his sister and only real person he has family wise, both our parents died untimely deaths and the few relatives we have left really want nothing to do with us. Since the first rehab visit in April he managed to stay sober for 3 months until his girlfriend dumped him. Then he relapsed and went back to rehab, his relapse was incredibly hard on me and my partner as he had gone missing for over a week in a remote area and we had a police search on going to locate him. They found him 300 miles away from where we live, I had to take unpaid leave to drive to get him and take him to rehab as he eventually asked me to help him and said he wanted to go. He spent just over 7 weeks there and went home a month ago to move out of the flat he shared with his girlfriend and into a new shared house with a friend. He was positive and doing well, he got a new job and had regular group therapy and counselling throughout the week. On Monday he was meant to start his new job, I usually text him throughout the week and have a call with him at least once a week (I live 150 miles away from him) to see how things are going. He also visits every month or so and I was going to see him next weekend. His messages all week were strange, very short with little or no detail. There were no questions for me, like how are you etc. I started to feel the same anxious feelings of dread I always get when this happens, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and presumed he was just busy with work and making new friends. Unfortunately he declined to speak to me on the phone repeatedly and kept saying he was busy. So I contacted his house mate, then I got the real story, he’s relapsed again and hasn’t started his new job. He has lied to his friend by saying he’s sick which is why he hasn’t left his room. He’s also lied to me when I text him asking how his job was going by telling me it was great etc. Now I’m at a loss to what I can do anymore. I made a few calls to the nearby rehab centre and asked if he could be admitted, they’ll take him if he calls them and sorts his admission. I can’t see him doing it, but I’m so sick and tired of having to put my life on hold to arrange it for him. It has cost so much money and I’ve had countless days off work unpaid to help him, I’m struggling myself and just started a new job too. I feel completely helpless and like I am trapped in a never ending cycle of despair. I can’t deal with him lying to me, I can’t help him if he lies and doesn’t admit his problems. The only thing I feel is going to happen is the same thing again and again until he ends up on the streets. I honestly don’t know what else I can do to support him anymore. I’ve always dropped everything and cancelled trips and events just to be there for him, but it has worn me down. I wonder if I’m just supposed to do this for the rest of my life?

Good news with my partner! by

A while ago i posted about my partner being an alcoholic and his friends were inviting him out everyday and his parents buy him alcohol everyday. He told me he wanted help cutting down, so i did as much as i could. We started as just 3 days a week he wouldn't drink and then 4 days no drink, didn't want to just cut it out straight away because i know he wouldn't be able to do it. His stopped seeing the main friend who invited him out every night, well he sees him once or twice a month. He is talking with an old friend who just moved back who wants to help him too so they exercise together. Not sure if his spoken to his parents yet, but even we went out for dinner and he got a soft drink instead (his never done that in the 2 years i have known him) even when his not with me, I heard him talking with his friend on the phone, he hasn't been drinking every time his been on his own- i'm hoping its true. I'm hoping he doesn't go back to how he was, is there any tips or advice I can keep him at this point until his ready to cut back another day? I'm so glad him friend is actually helping him too, makes it easier than me being on my own. I know 3-4 days a week no drinking don't sound like cutting back that much but it's better than everyday :) to me and him, its an achievement.

by Holton

2 posts

Tourettesmum by

Hi My son is 24 and is disabled, he lives in an annexe in our garden. He is very depressed and using cocaine whenever he can afford it or tick it. We genuinely don’t know what to do because it’s not cut & dry because of his disabilities, and he is ‘self medicating’ to escape his feelings about himself. We have tried cutting off his phone taking his laptop but it doesn’t work. It’s when he goes out drinking then he wants more of a high so reaches for the coke.

1 post

Husband has just disclosed cocaine addiction...... by

Hi all, as I write this I am totally shocked I am even on this website let alone a forum talking to people about drug abuse. My husband came home from work the other night and ushered me into the front room telling me he needed to be honest and he had something he had to tell me.... I honestly thought he was about to disclose an affair but then he blurted out he was addicted to cocaine and that he was a coke head. I was so shocked I have had no inkling about his habit and apparently its been going on at least 10 months. I say I have had no inkling but to be honest I have had periods when I've suspected him but he's always lied to me as he knows I don't do drugs and never have. I have seen odd text messages over the years but he has always passed them off or convinced me with his lies. He has been sat in his van during the day using it so its not even a social thing. I think this almost bothers me more than if he was out socialising when he was doing it.... I don't know what to think. He has been squirreling away money to pay for this which has also upset me greatly as I have been budgeting to the last penny this month and couldn't work out why we had no money left before pay day. I thought I was going mad and couldn't add up properly! I feel like I can't trust him to not use and I also think that if he can lie to me for so long then what else has he lied about. I have so many emotions running around in my head it's so frustrating. My husband is my best friend and we never have secrets or so I thought. This has destroyed a lot of my trust in my relationship and I think the only reason I haven't asked him to leave is because I still love him and he's the father of my children. I also feel I've been put in a position where I have no one to talk to as anyone I tell with automatically judge him and I don't want that. He didn't use yesterday and says he feels strong now he doesn't have the secret of it all and he is going to a meeting tonight but I'm just worried that this is how my life will be from now on. Rehab and relapses and the lying I just don't know if I want a life like that. I hope he can change and I want to believe he will but he was hugely into drugs before we met and I thought he had kicked his habit when he so obviously hasn't. I don't know where to turn and I'm struggling to process who this new version of my husband is. Anyone else been in the same situation please chat to me. Thanks for reading

Cocaine addiction Husband v Wife by

After fourteen wonderful years of marriage my loving, hardworking husband has decided he is a different person. It is like someone has invaded his body and mind. Everything that he has held close, my mum our pets and myself are excluded from his life. The only ones remaining are the family and friends that partake in the alcohol and cocaine lifestyle. What was a once or twice a year line of coke has now become a three times a week habit. He stays out all night, comes back smelling of alcohol and high, sleeps for a few hours then throws up all day. He has a constant runny nose and always complains he has a cold or he must have flu. He doesn't lie about the cocaine use but does about the amount he's taking. To witness this happening to my husband is truly heartbreaking and I cannot fight against this addiction. I am now suffering myself from anxiety, panic attacks and sleepless nights. I feel utterly helpless.

by Crave88

81 posts