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My husband and cocaine by

Hi, my husband is a cocaine addict, I’ve been married for 10 years been together for 16 years. My husband is my best friend, a very loyal, honest and loving man before addiction took hold. My husband was practically teetotal before trying cocaine once when he was 30, given to him by a good friend on a day to watch the football. He soon became hooked but this was kept a secret from me for 4 years. He would use when me and my children were asleep in bed. All unknown to us. His behaviour changed massively over this time, paranoia, moodiness and generally being off with us and everyone else, these were the signs, but I failed to see the cause. I often thought he was having a midlife crisis or experiencing some kind of depression. Then the night I found out it was cocaine was the night I was pregnant with our 5th child, he went out to buy dinner and came home intoxicated. He lied and denied everything. I made him leave. During his period away his behaviour become worse, he hated me, he blamed me for everything, he lost his job - that was apparently my fault, that he failed a drug test. He started trying to move on, messaging other women on Facebook telling them we had been separated ages ago and how I was abusive and how he didn’t love me. (This man adored me, everyone said the same, he’d ring me roughly 4 times everyday just to talk to me and see how me and the children were, during the whole of our relationship). He stole two cars belonging to relatives and drove intoxicated to pick up drugs. He was arrested for the one and charged. He bought cocaine on the way to the cinema when he was with our children and used throughout the film, making regular trips to the bathroom. I could go on and on, despite most of these occurrences he still didn’t think he was an addict, he thought it was probably a bit of an issue but definitely not an addict, I could see the horror on his face when it was ever suggested. To him heroin addicts or crack users were addicts not him. This caused me great upset as if he wasn’t an addict that meant these were all choices. He went further away and being so far away from me and the kids made him realise what he was missing, he got a job and trained hard at the gym, but never attended meetings. He came back and was clean for 6 months just in time for our baby to be born. He was fab with her and went back to being the fab dad to our other children that he was pre drugs. I was so happy that I felt I had the old him back. Two weeks before Christmas he relapsed, he was given some on community services, as apparently that’s a thing, it’s a jolly boys outing for drugs. I was devastated, he didn’t come home and confess the lies started straight away and this time he couldn’t convince me, I knew he was using. He spent the next few weeks using and sleeping rough in our garage as I wouldn’t let him in our house because I don’t want drugs around my children especially now I’ve got the baby. The bit that hurt me the most was during one of these reckless nights he didn’t come home for me to go on my work party I found him slumped in the pub alone with the barmaid, he’d apparently told her she was an attractive girl! Not in a pervy way, she said, just in a conversation, but he was also missing his wedding ring. When I asked him why, he denied everything, he said his ring was off before he went out and swore on our children’s lives. He’s not the sort of person to cheat at all, he then said if he did say she was attractive it was just because when you’re off your head you just chat rubbish, but I said “ how come there has been incidents with women, when during the last 5 years of his use there never was” he said maybe it’s because I’m always threatening divorce, he feels like a scum bag at the best of times and that I’ve said horrible things to him in the past that has made him feel insecure. He still swore he would never cheat though and that he loves me more than anything. I think now he’s doing this because he knows with me now he can’t hide the drugs, I will eventually leave him and he’s putting feelers out for moving on. However he says you don’t think like that when you’re on drugs, there’s no logic behind it or thinking of moving on. It’s all still so confusing for me. I just wish he’d go back to the man he was before. It’s so horrible to see someone you love go on self destruct and there’s nothing you can do for them.

by B8988

10 posts

My last chance with coke or i lose my family. by

Ive been having coke for years now.. only when i have a drink.. its like once a month.. or once every 2 week. May be once every 2 month. But my prob is it..it makes me suicidal coming down.. i hate the stuff. Ive been for help stopped for months then again i have a drink.ive got a lovely girlfriend 4 beautiful kids..and ive got a good job. Im so scared of losing it all . This year im gonna and will do my best to stop it.. ive just done a prevention plan. Ive never been so determined. This stuff is horrible and has ruined me. Even tho i dont have it every day.. if any one is going through the same thing i am happy to swap nums for support with each other. Thanks

by Hox

28 posts

Cocaine addiction Husband v Wife by

After fourteen wonderful years of marriage my loving, hardworking husband has decided he is a different person. It is like someone has invaded his body and mind. Everything that he has held close, my mum our pets and myself are excluded from his life. The only ones remaining are the family and friends that partake in the alcohol and cocaine lifestyle. What was a once or twice a year line of coke has now become a three times a week habit. He stays out all night, comes back smelling of alcohol and high, sleeps for a few hours then throws up all day. He has a constant runny nose and always complains he has a cold or he must have flu. He doesn't lie about the cocaine use but does about the amount he's taking. To witness this happening to my husband is truly heartbreaking and I cannot fight against this addiction. I am now suffering myself from anxiety, panic attacks and sleepless nights. I feel utterly helpless.

by Hox

51 posts

I found this article about loving an addict and its amazing. it had me in tears.. read on by

The fallout from an addiction, for addicts and the people who love them, is devastating – the manipulations, the guilt, the destruction of relationships and the breakage of people. When addicts know they are loved by someone who is invested in them, they immediately have fuel for their addiction. Your love and your need to bring them safely through their addiction might see you giving money you can’t afford, saying yes when that yes will destroy you, lying to protect them, and having your body turn cold with fear from the midnight ring of the phone. You dread seeing them and you need to see them, all at once. You might stop liking them, but you don’t stop loving them. If you’re waiting for the addict to stop the insanity – the guilt trips, the lying, the manipulation – it’s not going to happen. If you can’t say no to the manipulations of their addiction in your unaddicted state, know that they won’t say no from their addicted one. Not because they won’t, but because they can’t. If you love an addict, it will be a long and excruciating road before you realise that there is absolutely nothing you can do. It will come when you’re exhausted, heartbroken, and when you feel the pain of their self-destruction pressing relentlessly and permanently against you. The relationships and the world around you will start to break, and you’ll cut yourself on the jagged pieces. That’s when you’ll know, from the deepest and purest part of you, that you just can’t live like this any more. I’ve worked with plenty of addicts, but the words in this post come from loving one. I have someone in my life who has been addicted to various substances. It’s been heartbreaking to watch. It’s been even more heartbreaking to watch the effect on the people I love who are closer to him than I am. I would be lying if I said that my compassion has been undying. It hasn’t. It’s been exhausted and stripped back to bare. I feel regularly as though I have nothing left to give him. What I’ve learned, after many years, is that there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to change him. With all of our combined wisdom, strength, love and unfailing will to make things better for him, there is nothing we can do. I realised a while ago that I couldn’t ride in the passenger seat with someone at the wheel who was on such a relentless path to self-destruction. It’s taken many years, a lot of sadness, and a lot of collateral damage to people, relationships and lives outside of his. What I do know is that when he is ready to change direction, I’ll be there, with love, compassion and a fierce commitment to stand beside him in whatever way he needs to support his recovery. He will have an army of people behind him and beside him when he makes the decision, but until then, I and others who love him are powerless. I know that. Nobody intends for a behaviour to become an addiction, and if you are someone who loves an addict – whether it’s a parent, child, partner, friend, sibling – the guilt, the shame and the helplessness can be overwhelming. Addiction is not a disease of character, personality, spirit or circumstance. It can happen to anyone. It’s a human condition with human consequences, and being that we’re all human, we’re all vulnerable. Addicts can come from any life and from any family. It’s likely that in our lifetime, if we don’t love someone with an addiction, we’ll know someone who does, so this is an important conversation to have, for all of us. The problem with loving an addict is that sometimes the things that will help them are the things that would seem hurtful, cold and cruel if they were done in response to non-addicts. Often, the best ways to respond to an addict have the breathtaking capacity to drown those who love them with guilt, grief, self-doubt and of course, resistance. Loving an addict in any capacity can be one of the loneliest places in the world. It’s easy to feel judged for withdrawing support for the addict, but eventually, this becomes the only possible response. Unless someone has been in battle armour beside you, fighting the fight, being brought to their knees, with their heart-broken and their will tested, it’s not for them to judge. The more we can talk about openly about addiction, the more we can lift the shame, guilt, grief and unyielding self-doubt that often stands in the way of being able to respond to an addict in a way that supports their healing, rather than their addiction. It’s by talking that we give each other permission to feel what we feel, love who we love, and be who we are, with the vulnerabilities, frayed edges, courage and wisdom that are all a part of being human. When Someone You Love is an Addict. You’re dealing with someone different now. When an addiction takes hold, the person you love disappears, at least until the addiction loosens its grip. The person you love is still in there somewhere, but that’s not who you’re dealing with. The person you remember may have been warm, funny, generous, wise, strong – so many wonderful things – but addiction changes people. It takes a while to adjust to this reality and it’s very normal to respond to the addicted person as though he or she is the person you remember. This is what makes it so easy to fall for the manipulations, the lies and the betrayal – over and over. You’re responding to the person you remember – but this is not that person. The sooner you’re able to accept this, the sooner you can start working for the person you love and remember, which will mean doing what sometimes feels cruel, and always heartbreaking, so the addiction is starved of the power to keep that person away. The person you love is in there – support that person, not the addict in front of you. The sooner you’re able to stop falling for the manipulations, lies, shame and guilt that feeds their addiction, the more likely it will be that the person you remember will be able to find the way back to you. Don’t expect them to be on your logic. When an addiction takes hold, the person’s reality becomes distorted by that addiction. Understand that you can’t reason with them or talk them into seeing things the way you do. For them, their lies don’t feel like lies. Their betrayal doesn’t feel like betrayal. Their self-destruction doesn’t always feel like self-destruction. It feels like survival. Change will come when there is absolutely no other option but to change, not when you’re able to find the switch by giving them enough information or logic. When you’re protecting them from their own pain, you’re standing in the way of their reason to stop. Addicts will do anything to feed their addiction because when the addiction isn’t there, the emotional pain that fills the space is greater. People will only change when what they are doing causes them enough pain, that changing is a better option than staying the same. That’s not just for addicts, that’s for all of us. We often avoid change – relationships, jobs, habits – until we’ve felt enough discomfort with the old situation, to open up to a different option. Change happens when the force for change is greater than the force to stay the same. Until the pain of the addiction outweighs the emotional pain that drives the addiction, there will be no change. When you do something that makes their addictive behaviour easier, or protects them from the pain of their addiction – perhaps by loaning them money, lying for them, driving them around – you’re stopping them from reaching the point where they feel enough pain that letting go of the addiction is a better option. Don’t minimise the addiction, ignore it, make excuses for it or cover it up. Love them, but don’t stand in the way of their healing by protecting them from the pain of their addiction. There’s a different way to love an addict. When you love them the way you loved them before the addiction, you can end up supporting the addiction, not the person. Strong boundaries are important for both of you. The boundaries you once had might find you innocently doing things that make it easier for the addiction to continue. It’s okay to say no to things you might have once agreed to – in fact, it’s vital – and is often one of the most loving things you can do. If it’s difficult, have an anchor – a phrase or an image to remind you of why your ‘no’ is so important. If you feel as though saying no puts you in danger, the addiction has firmly embedded itself into the life of the person you love. In these circumstances, be open to the possibility that you may need professional support to help you to stay safe, perhaps by stopping contact. Keeping a distance between you both is no reflection on how much love and commitment you feel to the person, and all about keeping you both safe. Your boundaries – they’re important for both of you. If you love an addict, your boundaries will often have to be stronger and higher than they are with other people in your life. It’s easy to feel shame and guilt around this, but know that your boundaries are important because they’ll be working hard for both of you. Setting boundaries will help you to see things more clearly from all angles because you won’t be as blinded by the mess or as willing to see things through the addict’s eyes – a view that often involves entitlement, hopelessness, and believing in the validity of his or her manipulative behaviour. Set your boundaries lovingly and as often as you need to. Be clear about the consequences of violating the boundaries and make sure you follow through, otherwise it’s confusing for the addict and unfair for everyone. Pretending that your boundaries aren’t important will see the addict’s behaviour get worse as your boundaries get thinner. In the end this will only hurt both of you. You can’t fix them, and it’s important for everyone that you stop trying. The addict and what they do are completely beyond your control. They always will be. An addiction is all-consuming and it distorts reality. Know the difference between what you can change (you, the way you think, the things you do) and what you can’t change (anyone else). There will be a strength that comes from this, but believing this will take time, and that’s okay. If you love someone who has an addiction, know that their stopping isn’t just a matter of wanting to. Let go of needing to fix them or change them and release them with love, for your sake and for theirs. See the reality. When fear becomes overwhelming, denial is a really normal way to protect yourself from a painful reality. It’s easier to pretend that everything is okay, but this will only allow the addictive behaviour to bury itself in deeper. Take notice if you are being asked to provide money, emotional resources, time, babysitting – anything more than feels comfortable. Take notice also of the feeling, however faint, that something isn’t right. Feelings are powerful, and will generally try to alert us when something isn’t right, long before our minds are willing to listen. Don’t do things that keep their addiction alive. When you love an addict all sorts of boundaries and conventions get blurred. Know the difference between helping and enabling. Helping takes into account the long-term effects, benefits and consequences. Enabling is about providing immediate relief, and overlooks the long-term damage that might come with that short-term relief. Providing money, accommodation, dropping healthy boundaries to accommodate the addict – these are all completely understandable when it comes to looking after someone you love, but with someone who has an addiction, it’s helping to keep the addiction alive. Ordinarily, it’s normal to help out the people we love when they need it, but there’s a difference between helping and enabling. Helping supports the person. Enabling supports the addiction. Be as honest as you can about the impact of your choices. This is so difficult – I know how difficult this is, but when you change what you do, the addict will also have to change what he or she does to accommodate those changes. This will most likely spin you into guilt, but let the addicted one know that when he or she decides to do things differently, you’ll be the first one there and your arms will be open, and that you love them as much as you ever have. You will likely hear that you’re not believed, but this is designed to refuel your enabling behaviour. Receive what they are saying, be saddened by it and feel guilty if you want to – but for their sake, don’t change your decision. Don’t buy into their view of themselves. Addicts will believe with every part of their being that they can’t exist without their addiction. Don’t buy into it. They can be whole without their addiction but they won’t believe it, so you’ll have to believe it enough for both of you. You might have to accept that they aren’t ready to move towards that yet, and that’s okay, but in the meantime don’t actively support their view of themselves as having no option but to surrender fully to their addiction. Every time you do something that supports their addiction, you’re communicating your lack of faith in their capacity to live without it. Let that be an anchor that keeps your boundaries strong. When you stand your ground, things might get worse before they get better. The more you allow yourself to be manipulated, the more you will be manipulated. When you stand your ground and stop giving in to the manipulation, the maniplulation may get worse before it stops. When something that has always worked stops working, it’s human nature to do it more. Don’t give into to the lying, blaming or guilt-tripping. They may withdraw, rage, become deeply sad or develop pain or illness. They’ll stop when they realise your resolve, but you’ll need to be the first one to decide that what they’re doing won’t work any more. You and self-love. It’s a necessity. In the same way that it’s the addict’s responsibility to identify their needs and meet them in safe and fulfilling ways, it’s also your responsibility to identify and meet your own. Otherwise you will be drained and damaged – emotionally, physically and spiritually, and that’s not good for anyone. What are you getting out of it? This is such a hard question, and will take an open, brave heart to explore it. Addicts use addictive behaviours to stop from feeling pain. Understandably, the people who love them often use enabling behaviours to also stop from feeling pain. Loving an addict is heartbreaking. Helping the person can be a way to ease your own pain and can feel like a way to extend love to someone you’re desperate to reach. It can also be a way to compensate for the bad feelings you might feel towards the person for the pain they cause you. This is all really normal, but it’s important to explore how you might be unwittingly contributing to the problem. Be honest, and be ready for difficult things to come up. Do it with a trusted person or a counsellor if you need the support. It might be one of the most important things you can do for the addict. Think about what you imagine will happen if you stop doing what you’re doing for them. Then think about what will happen if you don’t. What you’re doing might save the person in the short-term, but the more intense the addictive behaviour, the more destructive the ultimate consequences of that behaviour if it’s allowed to continue. You can’t stop it continuing, but you can stop contributing to it. Be willing to look at what you’re doing with an open heart, and be brave enough to challenge yourself on whatever you might be doing that’s keeping the addiction alive. The easier you make it for them to maintain their addiction, the easier it is for them to maintain their addiction. It’s as simple, and as complicated, as that. What changes do you need to make in your own life? Focusing on an addict is likely to mean that the focus on your own life has been turned down – a lot. Sometimes, focusing on the addict is a way to avoid the pain of dealing with other issues that have the capacity to hurt you. When you explore this, be kind to yourself, otherwise the temptation will be to continue to blunt the reality. Be brave, and be gentle and rebuild your sense of self, your boundaries and your life. You can’t expect the addict in your life to deal with their issues, heal, and make the immensely brave move towards building a healthy life if you are unwilling to do that for yourself. Don’t blame the addict. The addict might deserve a lot of the blame, but blame will keep you angry, hurt and powerless. Addiction is already heavily steeped in shame. It’s the fuel that started it and it’s the fuel that will keep it going. Be careful you’re not contributing to keeping the shame fire lit. Be patient. Go for progress, not perfection. There will be forward steps and plenty of backward ones too. Don’t see a backward step as failure. It’s not. Recovery never happens in a neat forward line and backward steps are all part of the process. Sometimes the only choice is to let go. Sometimes all the love in the world isn’t enough. Loving someone with an addiction can tear at the seams of your soul. It can feel that painful. If you’ve never been through it, letting go of someone you love deeply, might seem unfathomable but if you’re nearing that point, you’ll know the desperation and the depth of raw pain that can drive such an impossible decision. If you need to let go, know that this is okay. Sometimes it’s the only option. Letting go of someone doesn’t mean you stop loving them – it never means that. You can still leave the way open if you want to. Even at their most desperate, most ruined, most pitiful point, let them know that you believe in them and that you’ll be there when they’re ready to do something different. This will leave the way open, but will put the responsibility for their healing in their hands, which is the only place for it to be. And finally … Let them know that you love them and have always loved them – whether they believe it or not. Saying it is as much for you as it is for them.

1 post

Am I over-reacting to recreational coke use? by

I met my partner 5 years ago volunteering at a centre for people sruggling with addiction. He had had 'past' issues with heroin, crack and had been through rehab and was 'in recovery' but still using the odd line of coke on a night out. Naive or not I didnt have an issue with it as I have used drugs recreationally myself before. He has always been a kind, generous and sensitive partner, was always on time, we got on with each others kids and I always felt we had a good relationship. Over the last year he has started spending more and more time in the pub (with others who use coke). Is often back hours later than agreed (he will usually keep texting to let me know hes gonna be bit longer but always tells me initially he will b 1 hour n then its usually at least 3-4). He spends most of the weekend in the day either asleep or zoned out watching tv and has little interest in doing anything other than ' nipping' to the pub (which is never 1 quick drink anymore). We share a car n he always takes it n im sure hes driving back over the limit evem though he says hes only had 2) n now since we been arguing about it will end up leaving it at the pub without thinking if I might need it or want to use it. In spite of it all Its the constant lateness that upsets me the most n this is what we keep arguing over. Usually he is back before 12:00pm at night n he says Im overreacting because at least he comes home. But he will ofyen hav been there since 1:00 in the afternoon which means we dont have what id consider quality time at weekends. Hes also told me he is struggling to cope at work and wants to quit his job. I know other people probably have worse issues but its making me feel really low. What does anyone think?

Cocaine husband I need some advice :-( by

Hi everyone, I have just rang FRANK and they gave me this website as they said it would help me as others will be going through the same thing. I found out last Jan that my husband was a cocaine addict through a lot of money going missing out of the joint account, I never realised as I had no reason to suspect anything. He left home and continued for 2 months doing a lot of drugs, in this time I became a wreck and was checking everything, phone records, emails, following him I became a spy to my shame. In March he came home as he was trying to sort himself out and I didn't want to turn my back on him. He lost his job so I took a loan out so we would be ok for money. It was hard but I thought he was doing ok. He told me the area we lived in was a trigger so we sold our house (one we had spent years doing up) and rented until we decided where we wanted to live, so he now has a lot of money in his bank account which is worrying me as we spent so many years doing the house up and made a good profit. Fast forward 3 weeks ago, we got back off holiday and he was acting strange and started an argument so said so you want me to leave, all planned I can see now and he left. He took £1000 out that night and continued to take more out each night. On the 4th day he came around and told me it was all my fault I treated him like dirt, I spoke to him badly and we were never happy. He is staying at his sisters house and says he is getting himself better as what's more important than our marriage is his health. (I agree with that I suppose) What I am struggling to cope with is all the support I have given him and he has just tossed me aside like a piece of rubbish (I know I am being selfish and making it about me but its how I feel at the moment) I have no one to talk to as friends and family where there 1st time around but they wont be this time around. I cant eat, sleep, its affecting my job, my mind is on overdrive imagining all different scenarios, I am just not in a very nice place at the moment. It has now turned to him txting saying he isn't coming back home (I didn't ask him to) and he needs to be on his own. I am so confused has anyone been through similar and how did you cope. Thanks in advance.

Lonely in my home by

Wife of an addict alcohol and substance I feel so alone he talked out ... I feel friends and family do not take me seriously but truth is they don't understand ... Have been with this man for 32 years 2 grown kids 2 grandchildren and still he drinks and shorts speed I really don't want this for my grandkids ... I see I his kids see it my family sees it soon my grandkids will too .. I no longer sleep with him I don't share a bedroom with him we try to live separate life's but even that don't work .. I and his kids have asked him to get help over the years but he just won't get help I don't want to kick him out as he has nowhere to go ... Over the years there has been anger and fights but I no longer got the strength left I'm tired and I no longer know what makes me happy ? Just thought expressing myself n here may help me a little xxxxx

by Jacks

3 posts

My addiction has caused my wife’s depression by

Hi,I’m suffering with something new caused by my addiction and is far worse than anything I’ve ever experienced. It’s the state of depression I have put my wife in. She feels like she is living in constant fear of me fucking things up again. She puts on a mask at work and to all her friends and family to hide what’s really going on. I’ve caused so much pain and helping myself is just not enough. I really don’t know what to do to help her. Have you any advice to offer through your experiences? She doesn’t know how to be happy now and we have a young child together. Is it best I leave? And put a child through a broken home. Or is it possible to stay and hope that things will get better. My addiction has been going on since we met. (In secret at 1st) She has supported me through my recovery and yet I still give in to it. On our wedding day, our sons 1st birthday and many more memories that I have ruined. Be brutally honest. Maybe the damage is done. She has not told any of her friends and family about this and feels like she wears a mask and is exhausted just to see the day through now.

by Hox

4 posts

Anxiety over partners addiction by

my husband is a 'recovering' addict, he was never a daily drinker/drug taker, he did it occasionally but could never say no, he had an issue, he has seeked some help and is going to support groups etc but he does tend to relapse every 4 ish weeks. It is a living nightmare for me, as I am ready to start a family and settle down, but his addictive personality worries me a lot. I have found myself being so anxious every time he leaves the house even. I wish I could just calm down about it all, but I feel like my life and future could be at risk because of this, I love him so much and I want to support him. I just need to know how to deal with this? without getting mad at him... The thing is, I worry even more as my mum was an addict and it ruined her life and my dads, so I have seen it first hand, which causes me even worse anxieties. Would I benefit from some counselling?

by Hox

3 posts

Hope Keeps Me Broken by

Tonight my daughter who is 25 assaulted me and she was arrested. She has been a meth addict for, she says two years, I say six. The last time she lived with me she was 19. All the signs were there. Gone for days at a time, sleeping it off for days when she did make it home. She was irritable, irrational, and unable to cope with any emotion, frustration or boundaries. I gave her an ultimatum. Either go to school or get a job, these are the house rules. She contacted her father in Washington and he sent her a ticket. In less than four days she was texting me about coming home. I said no. For all the obvious reasons. A week later, having talked a guy into buying her a plane tix, she shows up at my door. We talked about her plans. Everything she said she had in place, like a place to live had fallen through. Long story short, I told her that she couldn't stay with me. And I took her to the person's house that had bought her ticket and dropped her off. I truly believed with all my heart at that time, it would be a wake up call. My daughter has been homeless since then. The times that she has had a place to live is only because a very bad person is exploiting her. I am sure my daughter has had people abuse her in every way imaginable. I have taken her in after she was assaulted many times over the last two years. Two years ago she was setup by the DEA on a drug buy. Apparently, they only wanted her to continue drug dealing, only for them. Even the experience of being surrounded in Wal-Mart parking lot by 5 black SUV's, plucked from your vehicle, slammed into the asphalt while in possession of an ounce of meth still wasn't enough. If course, her father and I were having none of it being very concerned about her safety, and she was scared enough to listen and told them no. But mostly, only because if this bizzare street code she lives by. They have yet to charge her. Six months prior to this, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and was still in treatment. I was given a lot of time off from work. Mostly, unpaid, and some donated by one of the partners of the firm. It created resentment from their long-term employee of 35 years. Mostly, because I was unable to do both of our jobs. She has a very progressive leave package and she was unable to use it during my illness. Cutting to the chase - though I am very private person they did become aware of my daughter's legal issue. Needless to say I no longer have that job. One year later I am still unemployed. It had become a very unhealthy, hostile environment for me and I was flat out of coping skills. Two months ago, the guy my daughter had been staying with on and off since her return from her dad's, assaulted her again. Circumstances were in my favor this time, daughter had signed into the ER but left without being seen and I was able to call the police for a safety check and by God's grace knew where she was staying at that moment. He was arrested and charged with felony assault. My daughter would not cooperate and the charges were eventually dropped. The nightmare is forever etched on the back of my eyelids. I absolutely would rather do anything other than close my eyes. The drugs have taken my beautiful girl and ravaged her mind, body and soul. She has very little hair. Her face is scarred and always weeping with infection. She has very bizarre behavior. I have attempted to talk with her about making changes, about rehab. She is very defensive. And not long into any conversation I just stop because there is the realization that she is incapable of rational thought or judgement. And because I knew if I pushed too hard she was capable of assaulting me. The irony is that we didn't argue over rehab. It was over absolutely nothing. A little misunderstanding. I am numb. And angry. And done. But I know it won't last. I don't want hope anymore. I want my life back. But I can't have it. Not ever again. No matter how hard I've tried I just can't cut her off. It's this raging rollercoaster. I am so broken, I cant stand being around people. I've completely isolated myself. I trust no one. I feel like I am abandoning her. I never knew I could be so patient, so quiet, so much waiting for some event that will finally be the catalyst for change. Sometimes, I've thought, I'm ashamed to say, that it would be easier if she had died. Because she dies every minute, of every day for me, over and over and over again. It's like being caught in the macabre horror story that just repeats over and over and over again. What makes an addict seek sobriety? If not homlessness, hunger, cold, living in your car, cancer, jail, your hair, your face, sexual saftey, your family ... then what? Hope is dead ... but no, I know it's just hiding because I had my daughter arrested today. But hope is killing me ... literally :(