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Codeine Addicition Experience by

This is the first time I have opened up about my addiction to any living soul, so bare with me whilst I attempt to gather my thoughts into words whilst I type this (I get that this is targeted towards someone else’s addiction but it’s ridiculous to limit the forum when I know for a fact that my own experience could help someone else). I have been addicted to codeine phosphate for three years. It started after completing my MSc course at a world renowned university. I felt like I was on top of my game. It came about through using it as a means to achieve a high as a direct treatment for my mental health debilitations of BPD, PPD, GAD and depression. I had started to experiment with drugs such as MDMA, cocaine and speed (solely when going out with friends to raves and clubs). I would never use them outside of these environments. But the feeling they gave me whilst I was high made me completely forget about my mental health issues. I have always been the most self deprecating, self destroying person. I hate myself. I still do. I hate the way I look. I hate my personality. I hate my overthinking mind. I hate my stupidity despite my intelligence. I hate my life. I hate EVERYTHING about myself. I will never ever say a good word about myself. Ever. Now I am a very meticulous, logical oriented person despite my disgusting everything else. Being in the UK, I started off by just going to my local pharmacy and buying a pack of co-codamol. At this point, I had already tried co-codamol (quite recently for the first time back then) and had the most amazing euphoria following popping two 30/500mg tablets. But there is that thought in the back of your head of “what would a higher dose feel like? Would it be more intense or would it last longer?”. Now, I knew the risks of respiratory depression but I was smart about it. I would never go too high to the point that it would shock my body into gasping for breath like an athlete on Mount Everest. But not low enough that I wouldn’t get a substantial buzz out of it. But the issue was the paracetamol. My method of extracting the codeine and separating it from the paracetamol was cold water extraction. I won’t go into the specifics of what I did and specific amounts because I do not want ANYONE going through what I have. This started off harmless enough. First it was one strip, equivalent to 64mg of codeine. Then 128mg. Then 128mg twice a day. 256 mg twice a day. With the most I’ve ever taken being 500mg five times a day. That’s 2500mg of codeine in one single day. It consumed me. All aspects of my life revolved around the codeine. Whether I have enough to last me the day. Whether I had enough to last me tomorrow. Whether there were pharmacies in close proximity that I could go to (as most pharmacies will only sell you one per week). Whether I have been to them recently and would question me. Whether the pharmacies in close proximity were even open to start with. I had to plan everything around that. I would stop eating for the entire day so as to not line my stomach up with food, thus decreasing from my high and so I would only eat after my last daily dose wore off right before bed. I stopped speaking to anyone because my mental health deteriorated. I stopped caring about anything. I lost that motivation that made me such a driven person and instead, it was replaced with laziness as all I would want to do is lay in bed whilst high. Away from the stresses associated with other humans. Three years this lasted. Three years of nothing more than this. The most important years of my life, whittled down to nothing more than driving to 4-12 pharmacies in a day, going through the process of extracting the codeine and numbing myself. If I didn’t take codeine, I would start withdrawing. My time-span was 10-12 hours from my last dose. Any more than that without codeine, and the first thing I would feel are the hot flushes and sweating. Within an hour or two the diarrhoea ensues with the most intense cramping known to humanity. Not even loperamide can save you. Within six hours, the inscessant leg shaking happens where you feel as though your legs cannot sit still and you just have to shake them back and forth. This was my experience. No nausea. But trust me when I say that the cramps and the diarrhoea was enough. But the leg shaking puts you over the edge because you can’t sleep as a result. You want to continuously move your legs until they fall off, to the point where you’ll find yourself crying in the middle of the night because you’re so frustrated and sick of having legs. No one knew. I hid my addiction well. It’s a functional high but the second I would do something, I would feel as though my high diminished. So I tried to do as little as possible. I have spent so much money that I could have used for something better. I have wasted so much time that I could have used to better myself. I have neglected my friends and family. I have neglected myself. I tried to stop multiple times to no avail. I couldn’t do this on my own. Cold turkey lasted two days. Then I tried tapering. I managed to get it down to 256mg twice a day. That’s two boxes of co-codamol a day. Once when I wake up and once in the evening. But I didn’t want to lose that high. Losing the buzz that became so habitual for me was devastating in my mind. But I wanted to quit at the same time. It contradicted substantially and I didn’t know what to do. But then I had a thought. Maybe the quantity was just in my mind. I could achieve a high on lower doses before so why not now? I know that I could still achieve a high on 220mg so how far could I push it? This is how I’ve started beating my codeine. The knowledge that the high still stays at lower doses. This is aimed at anyone who wants to quit but does not want to lose the high instantly. I tapered my dose to three strips, twice a day from my two boxes a day. That’s 24 tablets of 8/500mg co-codamol. High is a little less intense but still there. Still very much noticeable and enjoyable. There was hope. This was the lowest I’ve ever been in three years. I kept this up for a week before tapering down to 128mg, twice a day. That’s two strips in a box. Still have the high. Still have the buzz. Doesn’t last AS long but hey, I’m happy if I’m not gasping for breath because the cramps get so intense. This is where I am now. I’m three days away from one strip. A measly 64mg. Basically equivalent to the very first dose of 60mg that I ever had, three years ago. I have so many plans after I beat this. Things I want to do. I’ve started cooking more instead of eating ridiculous processed foods. God, I love making asian food. I want to work out again. I miss the feelings of weights in my hands and the buzz after a 5 mile run. I want to see my friends again. I haven’t spoken to or seen my friends in three years. I’m in my mid twenties and I don’t see my friends. I don’t even know if they want to see me again but I will try. I want to spend time with my family. I miss sitting with them and cracking jokes and bombarding mum with my silly humour. I want to work. Three years without work in the most amazing field in science has taken its toll on me. I’ve tried applying for jobs for two years and no one wants me. I don’t know why. I’ve tried but scientists are better preferred with PhDs. God, I would love to do a PhD. This is a message of hope. From the most pessimistic, human hating, mental health debilitated individual. But the only thing keeping me going is what I can start doing again. That all of this is temporary. I’m still in the midst of my tapering (without diarrhoea thankfully) and its going. I don’t want to jinx it. I’m not superstitious but I just don’t want to jinx it. I hope that I can be better. I hope that I can work out and finally feel comfortable in my own skin. I hope that my confidence can radiate and make people like me more. I hope that I can finally feel free from the grasp of this pathetic drug. I don’t know if anyone will read this. It’s pretty long and tedious. I don’t know if anyone will care. It’s hard to find forums online about codeine tapering how-to’s. It’s not like Wikihow does a step by step in addiction. But if it even reaches one person who is addicted or one parent of an addict, I hope it helps. We’re not bad people. We’re just severely severely in pain. Sometimes it’s the environment we’re in. Sometimes it’s genetic. But don’t hate us for doing what we do. Don’t hate us for rejecting your support and help. Don’t take it personally. We want to do things ourselves is all. But we’re the same people on the inside. No matter what you think or hear. All I ask is that if this reaches you and you read it, please say something. Let me know that everything will be okay. Let me know that what I’ve said could be taken in and used to help someone. I guess it’s more for self gratification than anything. That I’ve done something right by opening up. It’s so hard to open up. I haven’t had anyone there for me for three years so I hope this does something positive for someone else and for myself. Maybe it’s just for my ego. I don’t know. But say something. Anything. Tell me I’m an idiot for all I care. It would be nice to talk to someone. TL;DR: How I got off codeine without any help despite not wanting to lose my high. I tapered whilst managing to maintain my high. Just read it, it’s helpful. It’s long. But it’s helpful. I’m sorry it’s long. I’m not good at opening up. God I love asian cuisine.

Codeine addiction by

I’ve been secretly addicted to codeine for what must be over ten years plus, it stated with a car accident I was given codeine paracetamol and was on repeat prescription, I then started having issues going to the loo which in reflection was a side effect as I wasn’t taking my tablets so I went to see the gp who thought it could be ibs he then gave me codeine tablets to stop the loose stools at this time I was Oblivias to addiction n did think I had ibs I never related the tablets together anyway I was then taking the pain releif codeine andcparacetamol for neck pain and codeine for ibs my gp never checked my notes and it wasn’t long after I realised I was hooked as they made me feel better or so I thought, I went to my gp who saw me weekly to wean me off but tbh I used it as a way of getting them on prescription I was in midst of a relationship break up so they kept me stable in my head as gave me that safe feeling Once the doctor felt I’d weaned of the perscriptions ended so I needed to find a new source being the internet ive been spending at least £100 a month for this habit ever since so ten years on here I am I’ve emailed each of the companies I used so they won’t supply me very brave but I’m scared of what’s to come I have 28 codeine tablets left and a box of zapain think 200 in it I can’t get into see my gp until next week and I’m scared of cold turkey incase I have heart attack or worse as I’ve read some horror stories Can anyone tell me if I could go into shock stopping I work full time my kids are at home but older I’m 47 and I’m scared to death at what I’ve done cutting of my supply but I’ve got to get off these things they make me detatched and almost numb to the world I’m existing not living Anyone out there can offer any advise if really aprichiate it

Cocaine husband I need some advice :-( by

Hi everyone, I have just rang FRANK and they gave me this website as they said it would help me as others will be going through the same thing. I found out last Jan that my husband was a cocaine addict through a lot of money going missing out of the joint account, I never realised as I had no reason to suspect anything. He left home and continued for 2 months doing a lot of drugs, in this time I became a wreck and was checking everything, phone records, emails, following him I became a spy to my shame. In March he came home as he was trying to sort himself out and I didn't want to turn my back on him. He lost his job so I took a loan out so we would be ok for money. It was hard but I thought he was doing ok. He told me the area we lived in was a trigger so we sold our house (one we had spent years doing up) and rented until we decided where we wanted to live, so he now has a lot of money in his bank account which is worrying me as we spent so many years doing the house up and made a good profit. Fast forward 3 weeks ago, we got back off holiday and he was acting strange and started an argument so said so you want me to leave, all planned I can see now and he left. He took £1000 out that night and continued to take more out each night. On the 4th day he came around and told me it was all my fault I treated him like dirt, I spoke to him badly and we were never happy. He is staying at his sisters house and says he is getting himself better as what's more important than our marriage is his health. (I agree with that I suppose) What I am struggling to cope with is all the support I have given him and he has just tossed me aside like a piece of rubbish (I know I am being selfish and making it about me but its how I feel at the moment) I have no one to talk to as friends and family where there 1st time around but they wont be this time around. I cant eat, sleep, its affecting my job, my mind is on overdrive imagining all different scenarios, I am just not in a very nice place at the moment. It has now turned to him txting saying he isn't coming back home (I didn't ask him to) and he needs to be on his own. I am so confused has anyone been through similar and how did you cope. Thanks in advance.

by Mjay

16 posts

Dihydrocodiene addiction help by

Hi guys. First off I would like to say hi to everyone and how glad I am to find this group. I am a 40 year old female, have 3 kids, work very hard and I am addicted to dihydrocodiene. I started taking co-codomol 30/500 which were prescribed for a back injury temporarily. I loved the buzz and gradually started taking up to 12 a day for 8 years. I was close to running out of my prescription so went online to see if I could buy any then came across dihydrocodiene. When I took my 1st tablet it was such a nice high! Of course, as with every medication you gradually need to take more so 2 years later here I am with a 10 a day addiction. I have wanted to come off these things for the past year. Today I have noticed my kidneys are beginning to ache a little so I have decided to see how it feels to come off them. I took 2 this morning (usually it's 3) and havent taken any for 12 hours. My legs feel so heavy and I have really bad cramping already! Im so tempted to take one to ease things but want to wait till bedtime as I have read insomnia is typical withdrawal. I work as a housekeeper so its a VERY active job during the day then need to care for my 3 children while doing this. What is the best way to come off them? Has anyone been in the same situation? What eases the withdrawal? I wish I could just curl up in bed with Netflix for a week while I come off them however my busy life wont let me. Thanks for reading and I hope every single one of you is going to find the strength to beat the white devil pills.

Addicted to Co-Codamol and I want to be free ❤️ by

Hello my story is as follows been using 30/500 two tablets once a day (that’s it) for about 8 years. I’m not sure. I get prescribed 60 per month that’s all I take......but I want to stop, I feel silly in that many on this forum take more. However I’m still addicted. I get a mini high 20 mins after taking them (always take them a few minutes after waking up) I them take no more until 24 hours later. I don’t want to stop “cold turkey”as I’ve tried and I got very painful withdrawal symptoms. So has anyone any help to Tappering off. Thank you all x

Let down again by

After 3 years on coke and £60k lighter , partner spoke to me about it at start of September. Been here several times before ... but this time seemed different. Searched out help and support groups and everything was great for first week. He went to 5 CA meetings in first week. Things slipped second week and now although he says he’s going .... I don’t believe a word. In fact, I just feel I cannot trust a thing he tells me. Coke seems to have stopped - no sniffing nose, bloody nose or big cash withdrawals or psychotic behaviour. But, this has been replaced by an equally problematic alcohol problem. It’s like one addiction has been substituted for another. He will often drink out on front porch leaving cans of lager everywhere. I’m totally mortified as feel as though my life is an episode of Shameless. I just cannot get my head round all of this. How can someone who was totally anti drugs and very rarely took a drink turn into this person. The effects of the alcohol seems the same as the drugs. It’s like a one person hurricane and literally causes havoc to the lives of everyone he comes into contact with. I keep wanting things to get better and always have it in the back of my mind that ‘maybe this time’ things will be different. Although ... it never ever is different. It’s like the years of abuse has changed something in his brain and I don’t know if I will ever get that person back again. I’m just sitting on my own after a day from hell with him. He’s sleeping in bed. It’s like when the hypnotist clicks his fingers and they are back in the room. Thing is, I don’t know how many more performances I can sit through. Fed up being blamed by him, subjected to nasty text messages and told I’m the one who should apologise. Thanks for listening as just needed to get this off my chest x

by Holton

10 posts

Can't cope and feel all alone. by

Hi everyone, I made my account today, after feeling so exhausted dealing with my husband's alcohol abuse that I don't really know what else to do. I feel all alone with this because I moved Country to live with my husband and although I have made friends and get along really well with his family, I don't have any of my own family or my really close, childhood friends, so I feel like this is a battle I have to face for myself. What's extremely hard for me is my father is and always has been an alcoholic, and I promised myself I would not go down that path, but I know it is common to fall into these situations, it still really hurts. My husband is Jeckyl and Hyde - the man I love and married is the sweetest, most cooperative person in the world, the only man I want to have my life, children, and future with. I can't possibly consider any other life than the one with this man. But when he drinks, he becomes truly evil. He is incredibly aggressive (though never laid a hand on me and I know he won't, this is the only thing I have faith in) like he used to always smash furniture, now he more just "bangs" things or threatens to smash things, but mostly he just says whatever he can to bring me down to his level and make me as miserable as he is. He will insult me, whistle at me like a dog, and just say whatever below the belt things he can. The problem is I am not meek, I will scream and shout back, even though I know it doesn't help, I can't help myself, I am so angry and frustrated. I have tried every trick in the book - to ignore him, move to another room, whatever. It doesn't work, he will keep shouting at my face until he breaks me, slam on the door of the room I'm in etc. He drinks during the day then comes home late so I cannot escape the house, I have to get up for work after all. So there is no escape from him. The only moment I feel relief is when he falls asleep, but this can take all night. Today feels more difficult than other times because we are flying back to the UK tomorrow for my Uncle's funeral, he passed very suddenly and everyone loved him, this has been hard on the family and also on me being so far away from him and them all. My husband has a pattern of always having one of his drinking episodes the night before I have something important, but this one makes me furious. I need him so badly right now, this is why I have a partner is to support me, I am supporting him through thick and thin and getting nothing in return, and he still cannot be here for me. He goes to weekly therapy sessions and takes Antabuse but he still drinks, it is too weak or his tolerance is too high, many times he simply lies about taking it, and he will drink at least 3 times a week, and is just awful whenever he does. But then the other days he is so apologetic and makes me feel like I could never leave him. I feel weak to the love I have for him when he is being good, even though I feel devastated and like I can't go on during the days he drinks. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I have lost my entire self in this process, I was doing so much self care when I met him and now four years in everything is just about him and his abuse. I feel that I have tried everything, we have done therapy (though couples therapy is too expensive to maintain regularly), he goes to his meetings, I go to therapy by myself. I try to indulge in my hobbies but nothing helps, my entire life is around him. I call him several times a day worrying about him coming home late knowing he's been drinking, I spend all the daytime worrying about whether it will be a good or bad night. All my thoughts go into it. I have become a shriveled mess, I have such little joy in so few things and I am obsessing over his every move. We have had 1001 conversations about it, when he is good he says and does all the right things which gives me hope and keeps me holding on, but he always goes back. I am also 24 and he is 32, yet I feel like his mother, I take care of him, the house, accounts, and everything. Tonight I have packed both of our suitcases for tomorrow, cleaned the house, done laundry, dishwasher, changed sheets. Bear in mind this is not our agreement, I have also held a steady and demanding job our entire relationship, been the sole bread winner for a while as he has done a late Master's degree. I only had dinner and he still asked for half of my food and I gave it to him hoping it would line his stomach from the booze, and if that's not a metaphor I don't know what is - taking from my own plate to give him 1.5 portions and then being starving myself after. Now I should be sleeping for getting up early tomorrow but it's so late and I'm so wired and upset. I have tried to ask for a separation three times we have been living separately, but each time I get weak after a while, miss him desperately and just want him home, but of course he comes back and is good for a bit, gives me what I missed, and then my tolerance builds. He builds me up and breaks me down. My therapist says I need to try to be understanding as his issue is physiological and I do my best telling him I'm proud when he's been honest that he's drunk and telling him I understand it's hard for him when he's doing bad, but even still later he starts screaming in my face, throwing his ring at me, tonight he has said he won't fly with me to the funeral tomorrow. I am so hurt and dejected. Please help, even just getting some replies here from others who understand will make me feel that little bit less alone. Thanks for reading.

I think my Partner is using again. by

Hi, I really don't know what to do. I really need advise. My boyfriend and i have been dating for about a year. We were together for a few months when i found out i was pregnant. He had a history of drug use before we started dating, but he was 2 years sober. When i was about 3 months pregnant his behavior started changing and he started lying to me about everything. I was a student at that time and my parents paid for everything so i didnt realize that our money started disappearing. When i told my parents about the pregnancy they cut me off and we had to get a new apartment and i was financially dependant on him. A few weeks passed and we barely had any food to eat, no electricity and we had to move out. He told me it was his boss who held back his money and started spinning stories. I went to his sister during the day and showered and ate there. He didnt care about me. He treated me so bad. He locked me inside the flat and stole my car because i told him there wasnt enough petrol to drive him to work and for me to go to the doctor so he had to walk. He never got physical but he menatally abused me. When i asked him about his behavior he always said it was all in my head and that it was my fault that he treated me that way and i started to believe him. I grew up in a very good neighborhood, so i didnt even know what drugs were or what the signs of abuse were. I started complaining to his sister and she eventually told me that he was on drugs and that they knew all the time but tried to get him to stop without me knowing. When i went home that night and confronted him he flat out denied it and told me im not allowed to go to his family ever again. He also "didnt get paid" so i went to his sister. Her husband went over to my flat to confront him. He then admitted to him that he had a problem. They removed all the drugs from my flat. There was so much drugs that he could have been dealing. He still didnt admit it when i asked about it. I packed my stuff and decided to leave him. Only then did he admit it. I told him he can get one last chance if he left everything behind and break all contact with his friends who use and he agreed. Whe moved in with my parents in another city because i found out that his other sister and his boss supply him with drugs. Everything went fine and we were doing so good. We left there when i was about 5 months pregnant. I had the baby about 6 weeks ago. Thats when everything went downhill. He started getting moody again and he keeps on withdrawing money from his account. And our agreement was that he only swipe. Because i have trust issues with him after everything. And he is starting to eat less again. There was a huge withdrawal a few weeks back and he told me it wasn't him his card must be cloned. So we went and got him a new card. But money still goes missing. He tells me its for food and siggarettes. And then i ask him why he doesnt swipe his card for the food and he says that he is afraid of his card being cloned again. And its like he has no interest in our daugher anymore. He just sleeps the whole time when he is home or he is on his phone. And i found messages on his phone from his old dealer friends. When i asked about it he told me they initiated contact and he doesn't want to talk to them. But on his call log it shows him calling them first. I confronted him tonight about everything and he just blew me off and told me he is clean and got into my car and sped of. I dont know what to do anymore. I really want to believe that he is clean but everything tells me he is not. I have trust issues. Every time i asked him about it he lied right to my face so how do i know if he is telling the truth now? Or am i just over reacting? I told him during the pregnancy that if he ever used again he would never see me or our daughter again because i will not raise a child in those circumstances. And i cant help but think that that made him scared of admitting the truth to me.

My story any support is welcome by

So I'm 36 years old and have been regularly smoking crack for the past year or two, sometimes twice a week - often more. Currently I have smoked for 4 or 5 days in a row. I live quite a good life apart from my addiction, nice flat and car etc but I don't know anyone where I live and I get so bored in the evenings... The only thing that interests me is having a smoke... The problem is that the next day I ignore any and all responsibilities I have and my life is starting to go downhill... I've got no support network, I mean Jesus I could never tell those closest to me what I am doing... It's such a shameful habit. I recently split up with my ex thinking it would help - the reality is I am now using more than ever! I want to stop but without people around you in finding it extremely difficult. Seriously sometimes it feels like I would be better off dead... Sorry to be so morbid. I just wanted to share this that's all. If anyone wants to chat I would be very grateful. Thanks for reading :)