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2592 threads

15619 posts

I’m done….I hope! by

Hey so last time I was on here I was back with my partner, he was using cocaine and treating me like rubbish, coming and going, giving me hope and then vanishing to his mothers where his friends were close and he had free reign to use as often as he liked. Well back in October time I was happy to call it quits, I hardly heard from him and life felt okay…as soon as he knew he was back…so lovely to me, i caved and stayed with him a couple of times before he came home…he started off following my rules, no drinking no using anything under my roof and all seemed amazing!! I found myself planning our future together again, looking at moving and sharing my money with him to get him sorted lol, what an idiot!!!! He did swap doing cocaine to beans which at first was better, his anger and outbursts were gone. By Mid November he had managed to somehow to talk me round to letting him get in from work and lay in bed next to me drinking and popping a few beans, by Christmas he was buying 50 - 60 beans a week and drinking loads again! He was blowing his wages on gambling, football, darts and then staying up all night to catch the basketball. He would wake me in the middle of the night with our baby yo ask for £5 here and £5 there…at that time I caved rather than start an argument because no was not an option. By Christmas I was pretty broke too. I still managed to sort gifts for my kids and him… My gifts in return from him…a bag of bargain bits his mum had given him to make do, most of which were 50p from wilko. He missed our little ones 1st because he was on a bender with his mate and things just kept getting worse. He blames everything on everyone else, this time it was his mothers fault for not letting him sleep in the morning to catch up, then it was my daughter’s fault for not making him feel welcome so that was why he had had to party!! All ridiculous! And then on Friday after telling me how it all stems from me, I told him I didn’t see us fixing things so he sent me a barrage of nasty messages followed by threats to message people and tell them his stories, I blocked him, I screen shot his messages and sent them to his mum and I told her he would have to go through her if he wants to see our baby. He appeared last night to “get stuff” from my room, I’m sure it was so I had to see him because he thinks if I see him I will miss him!, which I do but I can’t have him back again! I videoed his out bursts in the car, screaming at me as he drives, telling me that he can do better and calling me names…straight to “I love you!” It’s crazy behavior, I don’t deserve to live another second in that but I do miss him…I miss the nice and happy him but he can’t see that he’s changed, those drugs have destroyed him! And so it begins…day 3 no contact let’s hope my life gets better….

Can I just say no? by

Has anyone refused to forgive their partner and just walked away cutting all ties, even with children involved? To put some perspective around it, my partner (loose use of the word) has gone to a 28 day residential rehab today. I have supported him and stood by him through 8 years of various substance abuse and alcohol addiction. I cant even begin to list the ways he has ruined mine and my children's lives. This week I cut the chord and said no more and now he has voluntarily entered this rehab programme and ive been asked if I'll go to the family sessions in a few weeks? But... I dont want to support him in his recovery, I dont want to take yet another chance that things will change/ get better/ stop. Ive gambled mine and my kids future, stability and happiness for 8 years on the promise things will change and I just dont want to do it again. I know it sounds selfish but I want to be selfish, surely I deserve to be selfish and put us first! Also as up until now he has managed to be relatively high functioning with his addictions will the rehab facility report a safeguarding for my children? Is the world going to crash round my ears now the secrets out? Do I tell the kids school before it sounds even worse from a social worker? I just dont know what to do, about any of it, my life is in tatters.

by Ceelen

6 posts

Lost With Where To Go by

I have been with my wife for 11 years this month, married for 3. When we first got together (she was only 19) she used to smoke weed all day every day. I took this on board when I got with her but was honest about the fact I couldn't be with someone long term who uses drugs so she kicked the habit, and do so on her own with no support other than me, which is an achievement in itself. All was well until about 4 years ago when I noticed a change in behaviour which I thought was down to drugs, I confronted her but she denied it, but then I found some hidden in the house and confronted her with it again. She made promises at that point to deal with the addiction but for the past 4 years this has not happened. An occasional smoke turned into all day every day, after confrontations about it it would get better for a short time (but never stop) before getting worse again. The constant lies, false justifications, and moods that most addicts suffer from were understandably all there. Things that really impacted me more though was an instance of adultery, which again was lied about until confronted with evidence, and the fact that for the last 4 years she has refused to do even day to day things with me such as take the dog out somewhere nice for a walk. While also in my job any exposure or link to drugs can cause me to be sacked. Time and time again I begged for things to change for the sake of us, our life, my job, and with it the house over our heads. Things never changed and it wore my self esteem and mental health down to the point of feeling suicidal. I hated life, I hated her, and I hated myself for not being strong enough to leave, because despite it all I stuck around pretending to myself things would change. Fast forward to now, and a couple of weeks ago I bit the bullet and called an end to it. I'd spent some time building up to this and was fully 'checked out' in my head. The break immediately seemed to cause her to realise and promises of stopping the drugs and a better life were made. I gave her a chance and to her credit, since then I don't believe she's touched anything. Sadly now we are probably in a worse place than ever, and I am lost with what to do. I've said I'll give things another go, but in honesty I don't know what I have to give. She is upholding her end of the deal and is even trying to plan trips out with the dog, breaks away etc but I just find myself none committal. I cannot feel myself moving past all the pain that's been caused, it honestly haunts me and I never ever want to be in that place again, but now she's finally showing a sign of change I am equally struggling to justify to myself throwing it away. I can't bring myself to walk away, but I can't seem to commit to an effort moving forward, and the result is me being in a constant state of stress and emotional mess while she's dangling from a string on my decision, and that's not a way I want her to feel. And that's that I guess, no specific question, no idea what I want or need to figure this out, but I'd welcome any thoughts about any of this from people who have experience similar. Thank you.

by

2 posts

My husband and cocaine by

Hi, my husband is a cocaine addict, I’ve been married for 10 years been together for 16 years. My husband is my best friend, a very loyal, honest and loving man before addiction took hold. My husband was practically teetotal before trying cocaine once when he was 30, given to him by a good friend on a day to watch the football. He soon became hooked but this was kept a secret from me for 4 years. He would use when me and my children were asleep in bed. All unknown to us. His behaviour changed massively over this time, paranoia, moodiness and generally being off with us and everyone else, these were the signs, but I failed to see the cause. I often thought he was having a midlife crisis or experiencing some kind of depression. Then the night I found out it was cocaine, was the night I was pregnant with our 5th child, he went out to buy dinner and came home intoxicated. He lied and denied everything. We had an explosive argument and shamefully I threw a cup at him. He was enraged and left! He went to stay with a friend who doesn’t use drugs. During his period away, his behaviour become worse, he hated me, he blamed me for everything, he lost his job “that was apparently my fault” as he failed a drug test. He started trying to move on, messaging other women on Facebook, telling them we had been separated ages ago and how I was abusive and how he didn’t love me. (This man adored me, everyone said the same, he’d ring me roughly 4 times everyday just to talk to me and see how me and the children were, during the whole of our relationship). He stole two cars belonging to relatives and drove intoxicated to pick up drugs. He was arrested for the one and charged. He bought cocaine on the way to the cinema when he was with our children and used throughout the film, making regular trips to the bathroom. I could go on and on! despite most of these occurrences, he still didn’t think he was an addict, he thought it was probably a bit of an issue, but he definitely was not an addict! I could see the horror on his face when it was ever suggested. To him, heroin or crack users were addicts, not him. This caused me great upset, as if he wasn’t an addict, that meant these were all choices. He went to live with his mum even further away and being so far away from us made him realise what he was missing. He got a job and trained hard at the gym, but never attended meetings. He came back and was clean for 6 months just in time for our baby to be born. He was fab with her and went back to being the fab dad to our other children that he was pre drugs. I was so happy that I felt I had the old him back. Two weeks before Christmas he relapsed, he was given some on community services, as apparently that’s a thing, it’s a jolly boys outing for drugs. I was devastated, he didn’t come home and confess, the lies started straight away and this time he couldn’t convince me, I knew he was using. He spent the next few weeks using and sleeping rough in our garage, as I wouldn’t let him in our house because I don’t want drugs around my children, especially now I’ve got the baby. The bit that hurt me the most was during one of these reckless nights, he didn’t come home for me to go on my work party, I found him slumped in the pub, alone with the barmaid. He'd apparently told her she was an attractive girl! Not in a pervy way, she said it was said in a conversation, but he was also missing his wedding ring. When I asked him why, he denied everything, he said his ring was off before he went out and swore on our children’s lives. He’s not the sort of person to cheat, at all! so again it confused me. He then confessed to saying it in hope she’d flirt back, to make him feel good about himself, as I’m always threatening him with divorce and he feels like a scum bag, at the best of times. I’ve said horrible things to him in the past, that has made him feel insecure. The once in temper I told him he wasn’t attractive to me. This was said in anger because he was behaving appallingly, but it seemed to stay in his head. He still swore he would never cheat though and that he loves me more than anything. I think he’s doing this because he knows with me now, he can no longer hide his addiction, I will eventually leave him and he’s putting feelers out for moving on. However, he says you don’t think like that when you’re on drugs, there’s no logic behind it, or thinking of moving on. You just act out on what you’re thinking at the time, every time you feel differently. It’s all still so confusing for me. I just wish he’d go back to the man he was before. It’s so horrible to see someone you love, go on self destruct and there’s nothing you can do for them.

by Redfox20

364 posts

How did you stop doing coke, it’s going to Jill me soon by

So I’m 31 next month been doing coke since I was 18 oh isn’t that a regret but I can’t stop. So basically it’s got so bad that I’m doing 2/3 day benders staying up non stop sniffing coke and drinking alcohol I just do that for least 2/3 days I don’t sleep during the binge or eat anything so really isn’t doing me good. I been up since Tuesday evening nearly run out and spent over £300, I got on it before that the previous Wednesday week till Saturday than stopped recovered and slept for two nights then back on it for another binge. I come in to some money and it’s all going on coke spending silly money it’s crazy really but when you on the binge you don’t care and just go get more and more. On the horrible come down feeing depressed and saying I never do it again but couple days later massive binge again. To be honest I got to the point hopefully it will kill me soon as it be over I can feel my heart with how much I’m doing. I don’t really care now if I die from it as it do me a favour but what it will do is kill my mum I told her I had a problem few years ago and she thinks I’ve stopped it broke her my Nan family etc seeing them two cry was horrible my mum saying please stop I don’t want to lose you I can’t bring my self to tell her her bad it is again.

by JEM

2 posts

Asking adult daughter addict to leave the home by

Does any other parent out there feel the anger and rage that I do over my daughters drug abuse? Sometimes I'm hopeless and sad to my bones. But sometimes when she demands money or is completely demanding of my time to take her somewhere for her to live her drug fuelled life, I am so angry I'm sure I could do serious damage to something someone or myself. Is this normal for a tiny little lady nearly 60 years old, to feel such overwhelming rage?

I don't know what to do - family breakup by

Hello, My father is currently self-destructing and I don't know what to do to help him. It's a long story, but the basics are that he is a functioning alcoholic, we think a drug user and a compulsive liar too. He has been drinking all his life but I think I didn't notice for a long time. It's only in the last 2-3 years that it has gone out of control. He got arrested, had a nervous breakdown, got questioned, had another breakdown, got sectioned and sent to a hospital for a while, has broken up with is wife of 30+ years, now has no home and is living on the street/temporary accommodation. I have been speaking with the family and we all think that he has been lying to us for a very long time. Not just because of the drinking but potentially drug use and we don't even know what the police are questioning him about. I am the only person in the family left speaking to him and I don't know how to help. I want to help but he just isn't telling us the truth. I'm currently paying for hotels for him to stay in every now and then, but he seems more concerned about the people on the street around him than his family. Maybe he just doesn't want to think about us. I want to help him but I don't know how, he refuses to go to any AA/etc. meetings, says he has tried giving up but keeps going back. I would go with him but I live a long distance away and need to work even if he did agree to go. I'm currently wondering if I should do an "intervention" of sorts and say "Get help, or I'm not talking to you." But he is old, he is 66 and I think if he stays outside much longer he may not last. Certainly if I stop talking to him as-well. Anyway, I thought I'd share this and see if anyone else has been in a similar situation. Wish you all the best.

1 post

Theresa by

I don’t know what to do my son is in his mid 30’s and has lost his home his car and only goes to work to get money for cocaine. We bought him a small business and a car and told him to pay back what he can weekly. He’s not paid a penny back. We told him he could stay with us as long as he kept his space clean and didn’t smoke the really strong dope as it makes both my husband and I feel physically sick. He kept smoking it and my husband told him to find somewhere else to stay. That was a year ago and he’s came back saying he’s nowhere to go during lockdown. I am shielding and now he’s in our caravan in the garden not going to work borrowing money and saying he’s ill and can’t go to work. My husband has gave up and doesn’t speak to him and is angry at me for letting him stay in the caravan but I’m his mother and don’t know what else to do.

by Lindyloo

1327 posts

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