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7585 posts

Where do I start by

So yeah my name is Daren, I've been addicted to cocaine for 7 years. I got with my wife 9 years ago. Everything was good I got married to her 5 years ago. After this I started cocaine. It started as a secret habit that turned into a big problem. Using everyday and its affected everything in my life. I've tried quitting a few times and its never planned out properly. Recently it got that bad that she said she was talking to someone else and I over reacted and took he car that I wasnt insured on went out and was placed on bail and couldn't see my own children. Since that day I haven't touched a line. Nothing. I've stopped myself I'm on day 13. The problem I have is that she doesn't want to fix our marriage now. I have looked up the effects of addiction and I've pretty much done everything that it says. I've lied, stolen, been out for days on end off my box and just basically trampled all over her. I've never been violent physically but I guess the mental effects have left its mark. Right now am set on never touching the drug again because I've lost everything. I'm unsure on what I do rebuilding and regaining trust. I dont want to lose her and I do think it can be fixed but she wont trust anything I say. I really am set this time on not relapsing and sticking with it but I'm punishing myself on the fact I've had chance after chance after chance. Where do I start? What do I do. I've stopped taking any cocaine but shes heard it all before and yeah I just feel lost. She doesn't care. I dont blame her it's my actions that did this. Is there hope for me and how long will I feel regret for... like I said I wont relapse. We've set up contact with out children I've seen them the last 2 days. I just dont know the way forward. Basically I'm lost and I will keep doing what I'm doing. What would anyones advice be going forward??? I'm on day 14 and I have a long way to go I know but I'm set on beating this now. I just neee guidance Really feel like just going. Dont wanna give up but I think I have too now. I hurt that much my head tells me to just go and leave everything. I'm living in so much guilt its unreal. Just feel like going away completely and just starting a whole new life. Really struggling to cope not just because of her it's a combination of things.

Shocked and feeling sad by

I am so sad Yesterday I stumbled across the fact my husband is an addict. He’s admitted it and I’ve found out he’s spent £4200 since Dec on cocaine. I have been supporting him with what I thought was depression and a major breakdown. It wasn’t at all. It was a huge drug problem. We have 3 children, a huge mortgage and he says he wants us. He wants our marriage. He is willing to do anything not to loose us. He is going to pay his whole salary into a joint account and I can move it straight away, so he has no money. He is wanting to see the GP on Monday (discovered all this on a Friday) He has told his sister and she gave him a right telling off. Next he plans to tell his mum. But why am I terrified I’m making the biggest mistake staying with him? I know that somewhere inside he’s still there. But am I being a fool? Am I hanging onto someone who isnt there? Or is it possible that if he’s totally cut off that this will work? No money, no chance of getting drugs? I feel like I’m grieving, I feel like he’s died and I’m left in that limbo before a funeral

by Kklost

28 posts

Walking away knowing it’s an illness by

This is the bit I’m struggling with. I accept that the addiction is an illness so I don’t understand why it would be morally right for me to just walk away. I wouldn’t do that with any other illness. But the alternative is I continue to be verbally abused daily, I continue to watch my daughters partner be both physically and verbally abused and I continue to see my grandchild scared because of my daughters erratic behaviour and shouting and screaming. I also have to worry every single day that she will kill herself, her child or someone else’s as she refuses to not drive. The police have been told but don’t seem concerned. I have explained that I think she will be over the limit every time she is behind the wheel but despite this she doesn’t get stopped. She has latched onto this ‘it’s an illness’ and is refusing to accept any blame for her behaviour “you don’t shout at people who get cancer. You don’t try and take their kids off them”. My head tells me that logically if the illness is causing so much damage to those around her then she has to be removed from there but my heart isn’t letting me do that.Her threats are that she will kill herself if she is not with her child. That if she is not with her child she will just drink more and more because why not? Also that if anyone ‘dares’ to take her child from her she will tell anyone and everyone that both her partner and I are abusive so that we also suffer. As her mother these threats are unbearable but I need to be able to put my grandchild first. Her partner also struggles with this, knowing it’s an illness but finding the behaviours intolerable and damaging to his and their child’s health. She lies not just daily but hourly and gets mortally offended if you tell her you know she is lying. My support of her partner is the ultimate betrayal as far as she is concerned and she said he I’ll never forgive me for this. I can find no help or advice anywhere for either him or myself. Everything that is out there seems to be about supporting the alcoholic while maintaining a relationship with them because it’s an illness.

1 post

Cannabis addiction by

Hi, my gf is an occasional smoker of cannabis, she did smoke more before I met her, she's smoking 13 years ago, she's trying to quit and she also smokes cigarettes, it hurts me as she started to lie about that, she never told me she smokes I found out casually she said doesn't want to do it anymore but she's still smoking sometimes, what I don't like is she liying because it makes me feel she will never quit. It is very hard for me as I never used any drugs, I feel I want to leave her but at the same time I want to support her, we're not living together and I've lost trust. Don't know what to do :(

by Kel1

4 posts

My boyfriend is a cokehead by

Hey guys, me (24) and my boyfriend (26) know eachother since one year now. When we met I never had tried cocaine before but on the first night out I decided try some with him and over the last summer we did it quite a lot. He endet up doing it almost every weekend and when I went away for 2 weeks on holiday and I came back it was obvious that he went on a wild one the whole time I was gone, that's when I realised the extend of his problem. We got to know eachother better and I found out that he went to rehab two times because of it already. He/we kept doing it regularly until we had to go into lockdown because of covid-19, it was wonderful having him with me all the time without any drugs, that made me forget all the arguments,tears and sleepless nights I had because of it. I was very naive and did not realise how bad of a drug cocaine is, and I feel so dumb for doing it with him. I met him like this and he is always open with me about it, he never lied to me and he never tried to hide it. But most of the times I deal with it poorly, I get extremely mad and shit with him about it which always results in an argument. We talked about it a few times and he always tells me he wants to stop and he doenst even like it. But goes back to do it again, all it takes is a few drinks and a friend of his asking to get some. I have to admit sometimes I join them, because I don't want to go home alone to lay in bed crying and wondering when he will come home or waiting for him to accuse me of being unfaithful because it makes him so paranoid. And when I stay with him and his friends I don't want to be the only one not "on it" because what's the point of being around a bunch of coked out people sober and like that I at least get a slight chance of him going home with me at a normal time. I had to lend him money a few times over the summer and still occasionally as he went completely broke at one point because of his drinking and drugs and still did not quite recover from it. I know that I am enabling it and that's what I am going to stop doing it with him. I'm just gonna let him do his thing which will be hard because I know what it will result in when I leave him alone at the pub with his friends: a cocaine fueled night and him being wrecked the day after and then maybe everything over and over again.I love him to bits, he treats me well I am not planning on leaving him but I wonder how our future will be, as he doesn't want to change and I can't force him. Does anybody have any advice on how to deal with all of this in a loving and supporting way, which boundaries I should set and how to not take it too personal when he ditches me to stay out or ruins another weekend that we could of spend together doing something nice? Does anybody go through something similar or has a similar story? Thx for all replies xx

1 post

Cocaine takes everything by

Don't know how to begin never spoke about it before. Been married for 20yrs we were soul mates 3 kids we had a good life.he took cocaine in front of me when I noticed a problem brought it up we fell out he stopped couple months he had some whilst we were out then it became his secret he couldn't wait to go up to bed early long before me if hear him putting lines out. This is it every night sleep all day while I go to work me son waking him after school this carried on for a year I bring it up he manipulates me in the one with issues so it carries on. He's gone awol about to report him missing he rings in pieces he has psychosis he woke up on the floor of a barn doesn't remember. He sinks into depression tries to end it. We pull together our kids teenagers they understand. While he gets treatment for depression.I get the threats the dealers he owes thousands I was clueless I ask him he hides leaving it to me I pay it I'm in debt.things get better over next few months then I get suspicious get screamed at again it's me not right in me head that's living with a manipulator. Truth is he's back on it again and again this man was my everything my protector now he hides under his covers and leave me to face everything he knows I can't leave in debt and no renting history because of him can't make him leave house was signed to his parents. Learnt hard way I will always be 2nd best.

1 post

How has it come to this ? by

I don’t know where to start. Tonight I have called the Police when my husband refused to leave our home. This evening, His behaviour went from ‘normal’ to , within an hour hallucinating/ talking gibberish/ falling asleep whilst standing up /seeing things and being generally ‘off his face’ . He denied that he had taken any substances , other than one bottle of beer ,and just slurred that he is ‘ tired’. However , he has , previously taken ‘Xanax’ - which I discovered three months ago as a result of his increasingly erratic behaviour, mood swings and several occasions of him causing chaos and ruining family events . He has been speaking to drug counsellor and insists he is sorry and will Never use ‘ substances’ in our home again . I had been clear about the ‘ boundaries’ I have set and that if he was ‘ under the influence ‘ in our home again that he could not stay here.I hqd told him that his behaviour frightens me and I cannot go on walking on eggshells , constantly fearing the nights and days when he is stumbling around, breaking things, losing things, argumentative and paranoid. Tonight he denied having taken anything - despite falling around all over the place, being confused and disoriented and obsessively searching around in the dark For his phone - when all along it was in his hand - and becoming argumentative when I said that he had his phone and suggested he go to bed . He stumbled forward whilst looking for the imaginary phone and accidentally head butted me - causing quite a bruise and ‘egg’ on my head where his head hit mine. I said ‘enough is enoug’and said he had To go to bed right away , or leave our home as Iwas frightened of what he might do next in his stupor. I collected his essentials in a bag and told him to cal a cab and take his stuff - as I said Iwill not talk about any of this with him until he sobered up. When he refused to leave, I called the police - as he was crashing around our home and refusing to either go to bed or leave. I just wanted the police to insist he leaves and go to a hotel to sober up. However , he was denying there is a problem, arguing with the police, the officers saw my swollen head and The police arrested him. They have taken him into custody . I don’t know how our marriage has come to this. I just want the man I married back again ( we have been together 15 years) . He said he was getting help and promised he was not taking anything - but his behaviour has been so erratic. Every 10 days or so we seem to have some drama or other When his behaviour seems to be like Jekyll and Hyde. I feel so guilty as I fear he has serious mental health problems related to events in his adolescent years - and he said he has been ‘ self medicating’ to escape these emotions. I don’t want to abandon him,he has no one else in the world he can turn to. But I have given him so many second chances - and said I cannot live with this behaviour / alcohol or substance use any more - it is making me feel as though I am going insane - and I am so exhausted - I cannot see how I can carry on loving and supporting him if this awful behaviour keeps cropping up every 1-2 weeks. Sorry to ramble. Feel sick. It’s 02:50hrs and he is in a police cell - and probably has no recollection of what has happened or why he is there. He can never remember these episodes. I just want my lovely husband back - but I fear the reality is that he only exists alongside this unrecognisable monster. I feel so so very sad. I’m not looking for answers, just helps to type it all out - needed to ‘ offload’ I guess. Can’t tell my friends and family the true facts of what has happened tonight as they are so very supportive of me but I think they are baffled as to why I stay with him. I know on here I can just say what happened without being judged - as everyone on this forum knows how heartbreaking , confusing and soul destroying this can be . X

by Kklost

8 posts

Relapse by

After my son had a meltdown, after detoxing from heroin, he promised he wouldn't take it again. However, he wasn't answering his phone, he lives 2 hours away from us, and so I came down to see him. Found him in bed, he was vomitting for a few days, but seems to have recovered a bit. Says, the heroin was an old stash he found. We have arranged for him to speak to a drugs counsellor in the week, have had to come back home now, and pray it's a momentary lapse. He is swearing he won't take it again, but us still smoking weed, saying it helps him sleep ! It is hard not to worry, but feel I have to trust him, and that he is telling the truth for now.

1 post

Cocaine addiction- help!! by

Hi all I have recently come to the realisation that I am addicted to coke after years of denying and not believing it. About a year ago I was so bad that my friends and family were going to disown me because of how I was acting. I didn’t see it at the time and defended my behaviour but I was a liar and a let down and I completely changed. I was in a horrible and toxic relationship at the time which made it worse as he did it too. Only difference was I had a good job and friends and a family and he was always the same. I used to be so driven to succeed and happy and always had a full face of makeup and dressed up etc- that completely changed! I couldn’t be bothered and always called in sick to work as I was on it. I worked so hard for my career and love it! My two best friends and my sister (before the gave up on me), gave me an intervention which opened my eyes and I left him and stopped. I hadn’t realised before how my actions were affecting others and stressing them out- I was selfish. My sister would shout at me for not going to work and my response was ‘why do you care it’s my job’. When I gave it up I was doing so well and was so happy and productive and got my friends and family back. I thought the problem was my bf at the time and the people I hung around with. I blocked and deleted them all. I blamed him for the problem but now it has started again.... every time I get upset or angry i need coke and it has got out of control. Now I am better at hiding it but I am screaming inside. I really don’t know what to do or how I will ever stop!!!! I can’t talk to anyone as I’m so ashamed after what they did for me last time and I can’t hurt them again. I genuinely want to stop and don’t want to do it but I can’t stop.... I am ruining my life, my friendships my family and my career and most importantly my health! Does anyone have any advice on what to do...? Xx

1 post

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