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Hopeless by

Yet again i cave in and give him money , he says it,s for food , or money for the electric , he lies , he intimidates , he threatens sucicide , he calls me horrible names and tells me i am a bad mother he makes me feel guilty , and hopeless untill i give in yet again and then i hate myself for been so weak , i need to be strong but i struggle , he is my son and i love him , but i hate what heroin has done to him , i am losing him .

i am so lost right now by

ok where do I start my husband drinks is abusive he has been drinking for along time just to day I got police to remove him as I wouldn't let him in the house so he slept in a tent in the bk garden my husband did go on a 73 aa meetings which he has started drinking again in the last 3 weeks heavy I have tried speaking with him I have tried the tuff love thing my son gave me a op just there now that my grand kids are not allowed to come to my house while he is here I am torn apart as I love my husband as we both have full blown aids and our time on this earth is limited I come from a family that my mom dad brother died of liver failure and both my sisters killed them self with drugs and drink I hate drink with a pashion and swore to myself I never become one of them and I haven't but I am at a loss right now sitting on my bed debaiting weither I should end my own life and then no one will argue or fight the only thing that is keeping me not to is my dogs no one understands that pain I am feeling right now the loss I am going through I am soo lost I need some one just tell me its gonna be ok I need some one to step in and take this all away from me pls help

Here we go again by

I have never posted here before and have only just came across this site. Since September 2012 I have known my sister is a alcoholic, she has a young son and a partner. We have been trying to help her and she was due to start a detox on Monday 10th June but the week previous she had a failed suicide attempt whilst drunk and was admitted to a mental hospital to detox. Well she spent a whole week there, being drugged up but no support for stopping drinking and was discharged yesterday afternoon. By last night she had drunk a bottle of vodka. When I asked if she had drunk she swore on my daughters life she had not drunk and that it was her new medication, she said she views drink as her enemy and couldnt believe I thought she would drink so soon when she has just been allowed home and was enjoying spending time with her son. ALL LIES. My Mum who was with her then called me and told me she had found her drinking vodka. SOOOOOOO FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY. My family have spent the last week working round the clock to support her, by looking after her little boy, visiting her and meeting with social services. And straight away she just drinks. Can anyone explain to me WHY that would happen? She told us she worrys about what this is doing to us and the stress she is putting us through but straight away gives in and drinks. I try to understand that this is a disease and she is ill and it isnt her fault - but I am struggling to keep on believing this.

So many wasted years. by

My son has been addicted to heroin for almost 18yrs although I try not to dwell on that awful length of time. Life has been a roller coaster of emotions but I think the over riding ones are of sadness and fear. What has kept me and his dad going though is hope. We will never give up hope that he will really win the battle to stay clean and have the normal healthy life he says he wants and we all want for him. Going back to the early days when we first discovered he was using heroin we were so naive. We were not even aware of all the other drugs (just about everything there is and more we'd never heard of)he had taken before that. We made so many mistakes mostly out of fear of what might happen if we didn't give him such and such, didn't pay off his debts, didn't allow him to remain at home, fear of losing him. We got him into a rehab and he did well and it was wonderful to see him looking healthy and we should have taken the advice of those who knew better and said he needed to remain in there at least another 3 months, to not allow him back home just because he was absolutely sure he was ready...he knew best....but he didn't. He came home and within a couple of days he was using again. Flats lost, debts, prison, homelessness, loved ones walking away for their own sanity, suicidal, depression, a vicious cycle that has just kept going round and round and ending back at the same point. He can't do it by himself. He needs help. We have never turned our back on him and never will but clearly nothing we have ever done to try and help him over the years has been enough but hopefully now he has hit what I think must be his rock bottom he will get the professional help he needs and things could start to slowly change. I know in my heart I have doubts that "this is really it" that despite how low he has sunk it still might not be low enough. I can feel the toll it has all taken on me and see it in his dad's face yet we continue to love him and want the best for him and live with the fear of losing him one day but constantly shoving those negative thoughts aside. Trying hard to focus on the rest of the family who over the years have lost out on having our undivided attention due to so much of it going on our problem son. What is very important to us as his parents though is that throughout all the horrors we have been through with his drug addiction is that he knows how much he is loved. We do not want to add to the despair and depression he feels by making him feel guilty for what he has put his family through, he is full of regrets as it is, so we try and encourage him to look forward not back. It has been a help to read some of the stories on here because for all these years I have felt quite alone in all this mess, except for having a great husband of course, but even so we tend to only show each other our "brave" faces and try to be strong for each other. I've felt like no-one understands...clearly reading on here lots of people do. I wish everyone the peace of mind we wish for ourselves.

I want my daughter back by

My daughter will be 30 this year - she has made some poor decisions over the past 15 years and gone from one disastrous relationship to another. Every boyfriend has had an addiction to drugs, alcohol, prescription drugs and anything that they can get hold of. Every boyfriend has lived off the state and every boyfriend has at some time been in prison for a drug related offence. My daughter has chosen to be involved in this scene and has recently made it clear that she will chose who she spends her life with but I refuse to give up - I want her back - I feel such a failure as her mum. 18 months ago she injected morphine patches and went into respiratory arrest - she was clinically dead when the paramedics got to her - I feel so helpless and I mourn her as though she is already dead. I just don't know where to turn or what to do - I recently went to Dr and CDAT appointments with her and I am now convinced that she will never change - she always talks such a good game but never walks it. I love her so much and really do miss her - I just want my daughter back.

by Arial

4 posts

A mothers never-ending love by

I watch her from my window as she walks toward my apartment. I no longer see my daughter when I look at her. She has become someone I don't know, a stranger almost. Even her walk is different now. I knew something was going on with her in the beginning of 2012. She usually called home at least once a day but she suddenly stopped last year. At first I questioned what I had done to upset her so bad that she'd stop calling but I soon found out it wasn't anything I had done. Instead, it was her own decisions that came between our mother/daughter bond. I received a phone call on March 17th 2012 from our local hospital. The nurse informed me that 'Grace' was being life-flighted out by helicopter to Nashville she had overdosed and tried commiting suicide. They had pumped her stomach up here as much as they could but she was still in a critical condition because apparently she had took 65 xanax bars after shooting up 200 miligrams of morphine in her veins! That was the worst day of my life. Of course as any mother would do I rushed to her side not leaving her alone for a single second. She was in such a drug induced coma that it took 3 days before she became coherent again. The doctor that treated her at Nashville said he couldn't promise me that she would wake up and if she did wake up she may be child-like again and need to relearn everything. By the grace of God my Grace awoke late into day 3. The first thing she said to me was "Mom, what happened? Where are we?" I tried to explain what had happened the best way I knew how. She becomes angry when I say that her friend Jenny found her after her suicide attempt. She screams and yells at me like I am nothing to her anymore! Angry for the allegations of suicide... saying she done what she done only for a good high, never meaning for it to take her life. On day 7 the doctor signs the release and says I can bring her home but she has to agree to see a drug counselor and psychiatrist. She agrees and so we come home. Two weeks come and go without any sign of her doing as she was told, she takes no responsibility and decides to leave home once again. Months went by without as much as a phone call from her. I call her friends that I know but no one has seen or heard from her. I go to our local police station to report her missing. The sheriff asks if I had been to the county morgue and ask to see any of the jane doe's that has been brought in lately. I couldn't believe what I had just heard him say. I hadn't let that option cross my mind. He escorts me to the morgue and asks if there has been any jane doe's brought to him in the past 3 months. My heart pounding so hard I could see my shirt move around my chest. Luckily he hadn't had any jane doe's or john doe's. The sheriff agrees to get the word out that if she is seen to report her where abouts to him. Another long month passes without any sign of her. I begin thinking she may be in another state by that time. Her father and I soon began arguing alot due to our stress levels and start talk of divorce. It is not something I want to happen so I tried to make things better if for just the 2 of us. He passed away before I could make it better for us. His heart had to much heartache. He couldn't heal it and so his death was from a broken heart. I awoke in the middle of the night and went down stairs to see what he was doing. That's where I found him! He had pulled out our family album of Grace and us. He died after turning the page in the album to her senior prom. He had a heart attack in the recliner looking at our precious daughter. Grace showed up at the funeral home. I never ask how she had heard about her fathers passing... it wasn't what was important. I was glad she showed up. She was around 100lbs. then. She was always slim but her normal weight stay between 125-135 lbs. My daughter was a walking skeleton. She stayed for the whole celebration that was planned for her father as we gathered to remember him. He was such a good loving father! He made mistakes just as we all do but for the life of me I can't remember 1 thing he ever made a mistake of with Grace! He was her guidance, her strength, her hero and friend! I swear I believe to this very day he still guides her and gives her the strength she needs. 'Butterfly' was what he'd call her. His 'little butterfly' was his world. Losing him has helped Grace realize the beauty of being close to her parents and remaining in touch. She comes by ever 2 weeks or so now. I am so glad to see her when she does. It just ain't like it once was and I know in my heart it will never be that way again. I'm trying to relearn who my daughter is now. I want to have the best relationship that I can possibly have with her. I just don't know how to accept her as she is now. I can look at her arms... all veins blown... dark bruising covering them both and my heart just sinks into my stomach! She is a full blown addict. I know from what she has told me she uses many different drugs. Her favorite or her drug of choice is morphine. She shoots it up daily. She's also using crystal meth, xanax, and a muscle relaxant called soma's. She has admitted to using heroine in the past also. I spend what little time she gives me just trying to love who she is today even with all of her problems. I want to address her addiction and talk with her about seeking treatment. I'm so scared tho that she won't come back if I mention it so I just hold tight to her while I can. I do realize though that one day I will be receiving a call from someone saying she too has passed on. I only pray that the Good Lord gets her and I both through this alive. My heart is breaking.

1 post

despair by

I am the wife of a crack and heroin addict, we've been together 14 years I was 19 when we met and he was clean, he started using again that same year and hasnt stopped. We have four children and one on the way, most of the time he uses to "be normal" he says, its been so long that I feel Im sort of losing my morals about it all and certainly its become normal to me. Dont get me wrong, it sickens me, frightens me makes me angry and guilty but I do enable him, and I feel really bad because sometimes I give him the money just so he goes away and leaves me alone for a little while. Im still here because the children love him, its well hidden and he loves them too, I know not enough to stop but like I said the acceptance level has gone blurry on me and Im really struggling. Hes quite a bit older than me and I keep telling myself that theres no such thing as an old addict and so this will soon be over but thats terrible isnt it, waiting for someone to die to stop this horrible situation. Its just the things Ive seen and dealt with, the emotional abuse the guilt and the fear, not knowing whos going to knock on my door or if hes going to die next to me in bed. Hes been my best friend, my only friend really because addiction is so lonely and greedy and takes everything away, and he will die, and that makes me angry too. I havent found any support or advice on what to do because as soon as anyone hears the words crack and heroin social services get involved and that frightens me too as its the only thing I can and do control well, my children are great loved happy children and well protected from this mess but Im not and I want it to stop. I dont know how.

Story unfolding... by

I have a 25yr old son living at home and increasingly feel he is using drugs - coccaine. I think he might only be a weekend user when at the same time consuming copious amounts of alcohol. His moods come Monday are unbearable - agressive/abusive behaviour, total lack of respect for either my husband or me or our home which he lives very comfortably. His personal cleanliness is somewhat to be desired and it is like treading on egg shells 100% of the time (even when he is not around!). We find it very difficult to deal with leaving my husband and me at total loggerheads and constanty arguing abut his behaviour etc. We have asked him to leave the family home many times due to his behaviour but he refuses and tells us to leave. Have brought in the police to deal with him on a number of occasions but they just give him a ticking off and ask him to stay away a couple of days until things cool down. At a total loss what to do but just to walk away and leave them to it...

by God'sJoy

2 posts