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First Time Reaching Out by

Hi, This is the first time I have reached out for help. I’ve been living with the consequences of cocaine addiction for the last 2 years. I knew my partner used recreationally but had assured me he had stopped when we got serious about being together 4 years ago. He didn’t. He used I think recreationally for about 2 years but in Feb 2020 he got a cancer diagnosis (all clear now) and he tells me this is when the abusive use began. He also gambled (around £30k). We own (or owned) a business and would constantly steal money from it (and me one 1 occasion I know about). He is very aware of his addictions and has tried to get help on and off for the last couple of years. He is a good man but has a very dark side (I assume is the addiction) I’m sure a lot of you can relate he is like Jekyl and Hyde. I have asked myself time and time again why I stay and I honestly feel so trapped, no one knows exactly the situation I am in as in I haven’t told anyone. I am so lonely. He believes he needs to go to rehab but running our business and money problems have prevented that. We’ve now lost our business, had to move out of our home, I am personally in thousands of pounds worth of debt because I have been the only one contributing. I used to be so strong, and never imagined I would have put up with so much without walking away. I have no idea what to do, I just wanted somewhere to share my story and let others know that they are not alone.

by Navy

4 posts

Trying meth by

Hello everyone, i am someone who has adhd and curently 26 yo. I have this problem with enormous anxiety shame and awkwardness i usually try to control every interaction to not get hurt and basicaly never comunicate with strangers. I had realy hard time at jobs and also in my curent one i only somewhat fitted with my colleges after almost year of being there. As of now i have quite a drug history (never tried the "hard" stuff). I heard that methamphetamine can actualy help with shame. And of course i will use it only once in the month or less and try to stay as safe as possible. Please only respond to this if you have some experience with meth that helped you in some way, i am not looking for medical advices.

1 post

Boyfriend addicted to cocaine by

Hi I’m new here but basically feel I have nowhere to turn. My partner we’ve been together for about a year now and at first it was great but one time we stayed at a hotel and he started using cocine . And then every other week he got it . He acted fine on it but now he still takes even though time and time again I’ve begged him to stop we live at my parents and he brings it into the house it’s usually when I’m asleep he’ll sit up and hide it from me and do it without me knowing to me waking up and he’s walking around the bedroom paranoid . Flashing his light on his phone getting his camera out thinking someone’s done something to him starts opening doors acting like a crazy person and like a switch goes in his brain . My mum and dad don’t know he has done it but if he even hears a noise he goes out and starts getting aprnaoid and I’m sitting there getting scared wondering if he’s gonna wake my parents up if they knew he would be out the door. He had a marriage and a child before me but it broke down and has nowhere or family other here just me . I have begged him to stop he promises me the next day he will then a few weeks or months later bang he does it again same thing I don’t know how much more I can take . Or what to do because I love him so much and he says he loves me but he never accepts he has a problem which I know he does because it’s not normal to sit there On a Monday night in bed and do coke on your own . He says it’s stress but I just need help or advise

Everything in excess by

Hi lovely people, I am just throwing a question out there ….. do you find your significant others who are addicts do everything to excess??? Love to excess then discard ? Over focus on a topic/likes/dreams? Talk about all the great things they have done and achievements ? Talk about how great everyone else is? Basically drag you into their world of excess? I think the reason I am struggling with leaving my ex addict (alcohol and cocaine) is because of how he manipulated me into thinking “I was his one”! When really he was using me as an enabler 😢

1 post

An Addicts Journey - Change is Possible by

Where do I begin? In reality I've been popping in and out of this group for 2 years knowing that the grip of Cocaine was slowly but definitely very surely was taking a stronger and stronger hold. Always starts off the same, recreationally taken with friends to help socialising and chasing that forever high (which btw never comes). 2020 during lockdown (no excuse) more and more was being consumed. 2021 started off terribly with winter days, home schooling (I have 2 lovely young children), Dry Jan went up in smoke (or more pertinently put, up my nose) after 16 days and work was challenging. In April I believe when the gyms were back open I appeared to have got back on track and going back to good habits. The old me was back…..for 6 weeks and then Mid-May 2021 here we go again. The sleepless nights with myself downstairs while my beautiful family slept upstairs. Me making countless excuses to my wonderful wife about why I hadn’t come upstairs – working late, fell asleep on the couch, too hot (all lies lies lies). In June 2021 the wife caught me and I left the house as I saw her as a hindrance to me having a great time (hahaha, what a fallacy). I sought help in July 2021 with a couple of sessions with a Psychiatrist who said I was fine and I did feel fine. August 2021 and here we go again. The rest of the year was filled with ups and downs, resorting to anti-depressants which helped mask my erratic behaviour (and gave me something to hide behind). Xmas came and went while on it. New Years Eve I didn’t end up staying awake, the kids and my wife celebrating the New Year in our bedroom while I lay there unable to move, disabled from the days of abuse. What had a I become? Jan 2022 started off well but short lived. I couldn’t rid myself of this grip that this drug had on me. I managed a few weeks off it but something would always lead me back to it. This something being a blind spot or the beast within my mind daring me to make the call. It had got so bad that I had the dealers bank account details and he would place the copious amount of bags in the letterbox so I could slide my hand in the box and pick it up discreetly. I didn’t even need to leave the house now! All I wanted to do was watch porn and consume cocaine (along with alcohol to bring me down). You can see the downfall here, cocaine to take me high, alcohol to bring me down and it seemed forever the cycle ran. Come end of February 2022 and my blessed wife had had enough. She just said You’re no use to us at the moment, just go and clear your head somewhere. This was my moment to do as I wished, yippee! I left our home and checked into a hotel and basically drank and snorted until a few days later. My moment, my realisation had come. I missed my sons first football match. I had taken him to training, supported him and had been his biggest advocate over the previous 9 months. Just when it mattered, I wasn’t there. This was my dawn and my awakening. One of my best friends came to visit me at the hotel a day or 2 after missing my sons match. He saw a broken man, he took me out to get something to eat, I bought a bottle of lemonade and retreated back to my room. I knew I was now in this stage of going cold. I couldn’t do it anymore, the ups and downs, the lack of being in me as a man, the one that my children couldn’t look up to as a Father, the Husband who wasn’t really there. My wife had to carry the load and now, well now…..was my time March 2022 I started my recovery. I accepted I was a cocaine addict, I admitted and told my nearest and dearest what I was. A cokehead, manipulative and a liar (I told my parents, my brothers and their respective wives, my mother / sister in Laws and of course my blessed wife along with a few of my friends – maybe too many friends). Once I had accepted this was who I had become it felt as if the worries of the world had been lifted. It was now time to see the beauty that love and compassion had to offer. My words had no weight any more due to my previous actions and now it was time for action. Time for real change, visible change. My attitude to life became one of principles and values. One of being and reason. This shift only happened because I was ready. I don’t know how to describe it other than I feel truly blessed to type this to you all. I am one of the lucky few who had the chance to do this. I see many families on this forum struggling, many users who are struggling and it is heart breaking yes. Only meaningful way I can see from my experience is you look within you, like really within you and ask yourself Do I really want to change?. I changed for me and me only. I knew by doing this that the world would get the best from me. If I changed for my wife then what would happen if we had an argument? I would only resort back to my old ways. So here we are, 146 days on – my wife chairs the school charity and I help her out with activities related to this, I am my sons football teams coach, my work is back on track, my fitness is up, my wife no longer carries the load within the house and my 9 year old daughter (she’s my barometer to see if I’ve really changed, my 6 year old son would always think I’m his hero such is the nature of these relationships) and I have the best relationship we’ve ever had. So what is the point of all of the above? I was a truly broken man end of Feb 2022, now I am unrecognisable and this is all truly possible. Michael Jackson Man in the Mirror, are you ready to make the change? Only you can answer this my friend, if you are there is a whole world waiting to see the best of you……..

I’m done….I hope! by

Hey so last time I was on here I was back with my partner, he was using cocaine and treating me like rubbish, coming and going, giving me hope and then vanishing to his mothers where his friends were close and he had free reign to use as often as he liked. Well back in October time I was happy to call it quits, I hardly heard from him and life felt okay…as soon as he knew he was back…so lovely to me, i caved and stayed with him a couple of times before he came home…he started off following my rules, no drinking no using anything under my roof and all seemed amazing!! I found myself planning our future together again, looking at moving and sharing my money with him to get him sorted lol, what an idiot!!!! He did swap doing cocaine to beans which at first was better, his anger and outbursts were gone. By Mid November he had managed to somehow to talk me round to letting him get in from work and lay in bed next to me drinking and popping a few beans, by Christmas he was buying 50 - 60 beans a week and drinking loads again! He was blowing his wages on gambling, football, darts and then staying up all night to catch the basketball. He would wake me in the middle of the night with our baby yo ask for £5 here and £5 there…at that time I caved rather than start an argument because no was not an option. By Christmas I was pretty broke too. I still managed to sort gifts for my kids and him… My gifts in return from him…a bag of bargain bits his mum had given him to make do, most of which were 50p from wilko. He missed our little ones 1st because he was on a bender with his mate and things just kept getting worse. He blames everything on everyone else, this time it was his mothers fault for not letting him sleep in the morning to catch up, then it was my daughter’s fault for not making him feel welcome so that was why he had had to party!! All ridiculous! And then on Friday after telling me how it all stems from me, I told him I didn’t see us fixing things so he sent me a barrage of nasty messages followed by threats to message people and tell them his stories, I blocked him, I screen shot his messages and sent them to his mum and I told her he would have to go through her if he wants to see our baby. He appeared last night to “get stuff” from my room, I’m sure it was so I had to see him because he thinks if I see him I will miss him!, which I do but I can’t have him back again! I videoed his out bursts in the car, screaming at me as he drives, telling me that he can do better and calling me names…straight to “I love you!” It’s crazy behavior, I don’t deserve to live another second in that but I do miss him…I miss the nice and happy him but he can’t see that he’s changed, those drugs have destroyed him! And so it begins…day 3 no contact let’s hope my life gets better….

by K22

36 posts

August 14 - Nar-Anon SESH Reading by

August 14 - Nar-Anon SESH Reading Facing Reality The reality that my loved one is an addict and has a disease is a tough reality to face. It is hard for me to have much hope, when the addict is always causing problems for others, as well as himself. The addict’s refusal to seek help, stop lying, and be responsible is very frustrating! I can see the answers easily, so I ask myself, “Why can’t the addict?” “Does the addict walk around with rose-colored glasses convincing himself that everything is fine?” When disaster strikes, my addicted loved one acts bewildered and unable to understand what has happened. Then, I want to shake him and say, “Face reality. It is as plain as the nose on your face! You are hooked on drugs and that is the problem.” Of course, trying to get the addict to face reality is not easy. He is in denial about anything being wrong, and definitely does not see the situation the same as I see it. Many times the addict does not even think he has a drug problem. Rose-colored glasses seem to be forever glued to his face. However, there are times when I am also in denial. I allow myself to wear those same rose-colored glasses and convince myself that I can fix him. At times, reality is a tough thing to face and the struggle for growth can be overwhelming. As someone who loves an addict, I must face the reality that I have no control over his disease of addiction or the problems it causes. I must leave the addict alone to discover this on his own. I cannot do it for him. Thought for Today: I must have the strength to allow the addict to make progress in his own time. Living in denial only hinders the recovery process for me and for the addict. “The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.” ~ George Bernard Shaw Nar-Anon Sharing Experience Strength & Hope Book

Husband hidden Crack addiction by

I met the man of my dreams 3 years ago he pursued me for over a year. flowers left at my door, notes on my car windscreen it was overwhelming and all consuming. Two months in; he went to collect a £250 deposit on a job at 10am he didn’t come home until 11pm. He was crying and begging me to forgive him he had spent the money on cocaine after bumping in to an old friend. His father rang me on the Monday and asked what had happened; he told me he had a past problem with the real hard stuff before; if only he had used the word ‘Crack’. I had no idea what he meant, I had no knowledge or experience of drugs at all. What I later learnt was that he’d had a crack addiction on and off for 20 years. Both his previous partners picked up the habit with him, he would use their money until it was gone, and then go off and use his own for binges. They both lost everything, one of them blew her £30,000 inheritance in 3 months with him. I thought they were just bitter, neither of them told me about the ‘Crack’ and none of his family were truthful, not even now. He hid his use from me and I honestly had no idea he was using Crack. To look at him you would never guess his secret. After the one early binge it didn’t happen again until a year later; the day before our wedding - when he disappeared in the afternoon and turned up at 8:30am on the day after spending £400. I was adamant the wedding was off; but he cried, broke down, he was distraught and hysterical, pleaded and I fell for it and the wedding went ahead. Despite what had happened It was the best day ever. Things returned to normal or so I thought. A month later he disappeared for the night again, and this became a regular pattern -disappear/£300/beg forgiveness. Gradually the stories emerged from his family about the repeat pattern of his behaviour; difference was I was not going to do it with him. He would always go to the same crack house and he was the only one who worked or had a vehicle so he became the cash cow for two manipulating addicts who called him their ‘Brotherling’ they spiked his crack with heroin; he was so disgusted with himself he cut his wrists and I sat with him in hospital whilst they stitched him up crying just wanting this chaos to all end. He hated himself and was adamant he would leave it all behind. He was so far In by now he was doing crack every day, trying to hide it from me, taking pregablin, Valium and benzodiazepines to cope with the come down and in turn they were making the come downs worse. He hated himself but just could not stop. He spoke to a GP who told him to brave it out and take paracetamol for the withdrawals. I hated his addiction but I loved him. He said all the time he just wanted a normal life away from it all. He told me he loved me everyday and would cry all the time about how ashamed he was and how much he hated himself. He went to turning point to get help but because of the pandemic services were limited. I was distraught I had lost my soul mate but I knew I had to leave. I knew I was enabling him by keeping normal life going whilst he had his sideline; that was essentially killing him and me. Life with a crack addict is horrific the nights when they disappear you worry that they have come to harm. you hate them for choosing the drug instead of the amazing life you could have had together and the love and times you have shared. You are going to work exhausted with stress and worry; as they come home and crash out on the sofa for the day. Everything is pure chaos and changes who you are forever. I don't think I will ever trust again I wake up every night feeling anxious and guilty for leaving him Will this feeling ever pass He was the love of my life but Crack was his; and is stronger than anything it truly is The Devil Drug

by Emma123

43 posts

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