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Share Your Story

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someone to talk to by

hi, i’m currently tapering off codeine and would like to talk to others to get through this and if possible, help too. i have been on these for 5 years now. i was taking 2 cocodamols 8/500 and 4 x 30mg codeine at night. recently i upped the dosage to an additional 3-4 codeine after the first dose. i found they helped with my back pain and i liked the stomach churn i would get. it relaxed me. unbeknown to me it was having an effect on my guts. around february i came down with stomach flu and my bowels never recovered. after suffering with abdominal pains and a totally messed up gut for these past 4 months, upon research i came to the conclusion my bowels have decided enough and i have what is called narcotic induced bowel syndrome. undergoing tests to rule out other condition(s). that has prompted me to simply give this drug up now for my health. missing days work and generally feeling poorly is not what i want. i want to be healthy and look after my mum. spend time with my very young nephews. if i fall ill, i will miss out on that. i am not going to miss this drug. i am convinced, as mental images of me in hospital or worse are powerful enough for me to say enough is enough. i’ve tapered down the past 2 weeks or so to 1 cocodamol 500 x8 and 2 codeines which is around 25% of my daily total. i’m not getting withdrawal symptoms that are horrendous other than stomach cramps and acid reflux. i tried 1 cocodamol and 1 codeine last night and the withdrawal was horrendous. i woke up after an hours sleep, burning up and with diarrhoea. i felt like i was going to die. i decided that the taper was too much so have stuck to one cocodamol and 2 codeines. i’ll stick to this for a few days till the weekend once these withdrawals have eased and then taper again. i want to be off these as soon as possible as i just want my life and health back. if anyone can advise or just wants to talk to help each other, it would be great. thanks

Smoking OxyContin by

Hello me and my bf met not that long ago when I’m working in a grocery store, he approached me and we met in hotels and stuff, initially I wanted it just to be a fling and that’s it cause I knew he was doing oxycodone but I didn’t know it was this bad. Over time I realize it was very bad, he does 30mg oxycodone smokes it along with using meth whenever he sleeps with me. He knows I am an anti narcotic person I told him in the beginning he just says why I come to him if I know he is like this. I am so torn few of my co workers know about it and everyone is telling me to be careful and leave him but I don’t plan on leaving him. I have done in the beginning a very bad thing which is enabling him but I finally told him I can do it anymore so I stop giving him money. He is homeless and lives out in the streets not only that but the things he does to get narcotics is he hustles like he will steal stuff and sell it to get high, this bothers me so much when I talk to him about it he gets angry or simply denies it. Another thing I bothers me soooooo much is our sex life sorry if it’s off topic but this is part of my worries. I feel like he has a impotence problem, first he will get hard and for a second he will be still hard when in me then he will just be soft, it’s so frustrating for me I am very sexually active when I’m around him and I strongly desire him but he can’t perform well. When this happens he yells at me and says it my fault because I’m NOT letting him in. How can a woman now let a man in???! Does anyone have the same problem please help me out this is killing me when I approach him about it and say it’s him he gets upset so I know I can’t communicate with him. I want to know from others is does it happen to your spouses or bfs? Does opiates make this happen to a man’s body?

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Concerned in law by

Thanks for letting me join. My daughter in law drinks 2 bottles of wine every day sometimes more. I said 18 months ago I was worried after seeing her put it in a cup one morning. She went mad and so did her mother saying how dare I suggest she’s alcoholic when she would see it as she visits every day. I may add her parents are both heavy drinkers and drink daily. I know she drives under the influence but catching her is difficult. Is she an alcoholic?

He got sober, now he's leaving me by

I thought it was bad when he was here and actively drinking, but I never thought him getting sober would lead to this. Having been doing well in sobriety for a couple of years now, I thought we had rebuilt trust and were coming back stronger from what we'd been through together. We had been making plans for our future - a future I believed we both wanted and saw for ourselves - but all of a sudden he has sent a wrecking ball through it all. Without communicating any signs of being unhappy or sharing how he felt with me, he told me that he had to leave, he didn't love me anymore, couldn't give me what I needed and wasn't sure he ever did love me. When I pressed him, he said he had been feeling that way for several months. I'm so hurt and confused, having been together for a long time, thinking we loved each other and having supported him through some of the most difficult times in his life, including standing by him all through both his active alcoholism and now recovery. He was acting like someone I didn't recognise at all - completely unemotional, cold and unwilling to talk about anything any further. The fact that he had managed to hide/suppress those feelings for so long reminded me of when he was drinking and would cover it up - he was an expert in deceit. Now I wonder who I was actually married to. I don't know what to think about it all. Right now I'm completely alone and I'm really feeling it. I don't have close friends to confide in or the same support network he does through his recovery programme. Is there anyone out there who can help me through this?

Desperate by

Please can someone advise. I am so worried about my friend. Her son is 23 and has a severe cocaine addiction. He totally refuses help from anyone or any professional organisation. This has gone on for at least 6yrs. The doctors are not interested as he won’t engage. He is violent towards her most days. Verbally abusing her and pushes her over in front of her 14yr old. Dad has had enough and has left the home and she is stuck with it. He paces around the house daily. Searching through cupboards/drawers for money for more. He is in and out the house constantly. She has in the past phoned the police because of the threat to end his life. A & E discharged him within a few hours. My friend is at breaking point. I am really worried for her. She’s terrified in her own home. She been to CA meetings etc but he doesn’t want help. She’s stuck and terrified. He refuses to leave and she so scared for herself and younger son. What options does she have? Please can someone help?

Feel useless by

I’ve put a few posts on here about my story with my husband, in short his been a heavy alcoholic for two years, and has two fits and hospital stays, he found his dad dead a month ago and uses that to drink more, hasn’t gone to work in early two months, he has always been nasty when drunk, I tried the gentle approach and got pushed away tried tough love to get told I am self centred, a gold digger, ugly a shit mum/wife, tells me he is sleeping with x amount of people and I’ve got no change of ever finding someone new if a leave, and now a new low he is sleeping with my sister. We have two young children the older one (4) is picking up on everything and I don’t want her childhood damaged. I have left once for a week but that’s when he found his dad so I returned to support him and all I am getting is nasty comments. He has been told next time he lands himself in hospital he is off to rehab, don’t know how rehab works ( I live in England ) do we have to pay or is it nhs. I am done, we will loose everything soon due to lack of money and still have his dads funeral to organise.

How to deal if you feel it will never get better? Sibling Feelings of Hopelessness by

I can't even tell you if my only, and younger (12 months apart) brother is using drugs harder than marijuana. I feel naive even writing this, but it is true. He has so many signs that say yes, but I have never found anything or had him admit to such activity. It begs the question: Can mental illness mimic the lifestyle of a drug addict and then does it even matter? My brother is 31 years old now. His whole life my parents were picking him up from school for suspensions, and having to attend to doctor appointments and counselling appointments to try to find "the right medication". ADHD and ODD were the diagnosis - a typical child of the 90s. My mom became his primary advocate, and although she spent her life trying their relationship was quite toxic as she struggled with her own mental illness and unresolved childhood trauma. My dad dealt with things by going to work and providing for his family the way that he knew to do. I have many frustrations, although pointless, about the way my brother was raised. He was a child who needed intense structure and routine, role models he respected, people who could take the time to find ways to engage and keep him interested. He needed help to embrace his niche - he loved science, animals and humour. When he wasn't "being bad" he was the funniest, most charismatic and creative kid. I don't know where things went wrong, but being bad just became more and more his trademark reputation. I'm sure he felt it internally and found frustration in the way he was looked at among his peers and teachers. He struggled in school, always having a hard time paying attention in a class full of 30 different suited learners (and boring content). He was a boy with a lot of imagination and a short temper. I spent the large majority of my childhood angry at him. Our family orbited around him. We couldn't go to parties on the weekend, or out to family dinners. My parents argued a lot because of the stress of raising him and having opposing views and opinions of what should be done. They felt ashamed and frustrated. I, of course, became a perfect kid. I flew under the radar and didn't create any problems. I spent a lot of time with friends families, or in my room. My mom would spend hours on the phone with her sisters discussing brother, and a simple "She is great" at the end of the conversation regarding me. There was just no room for more. My mom got into a bad car accident when brother was in the 5th grade, it caused some brain damage and definitely had her evaluating the fragility of life. 7th grade we moved out of our childhood home for a new start, and within two years my mom had decided she had had enough of the family dynamic and wanted a divorce. She was running away, and in many ways I don't blame her. She was tired, and living with three people that didn't respect her. She was constantly putting out fires between her teenagers and her husband didn't want to fight with her or discuss anything. She was lonely and felt like a shell of herself. She wanted an exit plan. Weirdly enough, this is when everything got worse. She was almost 50, starting over and learning to take care of herself and finances for the first time in her life. My dad was heartbroken over the demise of his family. He wasn't happy either, but had committed to the family and would have taken care of her for the rest of his life. Brother was a 9th grader whose parents became too concerned with starting over (Mom) and grieving (Dad). Looking back at that time felt like the wild west. I stayed with my dad, I liked the stability and consistency. Brother moved with my mom, ultimate freedom from rules. He stopped going to school, stole money from her, and just continued to make bad choices. She would kick him out and he would come stay with us, not be able to follow the rules or create dangerous situations for us (he could be quite violent when provoked) and end up back with her. A lot of bad decisions were made at that time on all of our parts (my role changing now to a third parent of both mother and brother), but we were all just trying to survive and sick of the warzone. Brother is 31 now, as I said. Him and my mother have collectively moved probably 30 times in the last 15 years. Sometimes together, sometimes apart. She has finally claimed bankruptcy and moved into a seniors building that doesn't allow long term guests. This is mostly due to self-sabotage, but I am also convinced it was the only way she could stop herself from continuing the cycle with him. My dad has been better with boundaries over the past few years, only offering help with his vehicle maintenance and willing to have him for short visits when he is stable. He doesn't have the patience for brother's mental illness. My parents have zero relationship at this point because of all the drama that continued with my brother after the divorce and their frustrations with each other on how they dealt with it. Everyone just struggles on their own. Just like everyone else's story, their are always slivers of hope. A year ago he had a girlfriend, a new puppy, a job (the longest employment is less than 6 months), and was renting a new house with her. All of this felt so exciting, but we were holding our breath. Flash forward to today and he has no job, no girlfriend, is squatting in the house he rented, I can't imagine the state of it. My dad almost called the cops on him when he came over a month ago demanding money. He called me so angry that I worried he would show up at the house and be very violent. I didn't sleep well for days waiting. Finally I heard from him a few weeks ago asking for $30 to feed his dog, and in the next sentence "and some cigarettes and some beers". It broke my heart to not respond. A few days later I text back saying if he would like I would take him to the hospital, hoping he was desperate enough to get help. In turn he sent me novel responses (much like this one to you lol) about what a terrible person and sister I am. It at least made me feel relieved that I didn't have to feel guilt about the money. I try to talk to my friends about this and really, maybe for the first time (even though I have had and continue a lot of therapy) just how not normal having to hold all of this is. They cannot relate and sometimes say the most unhelpful things. Who is this young man who came from a hard working loving family? Where is my brother and how is he ever going to recover? How is it fair for a family to deal with this much stress from one person for this long? I do not see my brothers life improving. I have been waiting for a call that he has suicided, and deep down feel that will provide relief although I am told it will not. It just doesn't feel fair, survivor guilt. No one gets to thrive because underneath we all feel guilt for the way his life has turned out and none of us have the resources (whether financial in my moms case, or emotional availability for more pain and frustration in the case of my father and I). I read all of these stories from people who have not abandoned their loved one and feel guilt that I have. That we have. But I also don't want to receive calls for money, feel scared for my life, and watch him deteriorate for the rest of my existence. How do you carry on when you have abandoned someone you love with mental illness or addiction. Of course my heart carries him, or I wouldn't be writing this. However, I want to thrive and am tired of living in a form of preliminary guilt. I am sad for my parents too and all the pain and regret they must carry. I realize some of the things I say could appear blunt and insensitive, but they are my current true thoughts and feelings. My brother is not a monster, but a sick traumatized child with no sense of self-worth and no hope for the future, and now to add on top of that no support. I love him, but I do not wish to know him anymore, it hurts too much. I am tired. If you read this to the end, I assume it is relatable to you. I would love to hear your thoughts and appreciate you reading this.

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My bf is a drug addict and my family wants me to dump him by

So my bf and I met in rehab. In the beginning we were sober and doing fine but ended up relapsing and I did drugs I’ve never done before. We both went to detox and got help but he slipped and I stayed on track. He’s in rehab now and tells me how regretful he is for everything that happened and that he will do better. I do believe he wants to better himself and wants to do better. But as an addict too I’m not completely trusting of his word. I love him a lot and really want this to work. However, my family is in my ear daily telling me to dump him, that he’s evil and they have me questioning him. When I talk to him I feel confident of him but then when I’m alone I start overthinking everything. I understand why my family thinks so unkind of him but I wish they’d just respect the fact that I want to be with him and believe in him. I’m at a point where I don’t know what to do. I love him and don’t want to lose him or break his heart. But I want my family to leave me alone and they won’t unless I break up with him. Do I stay with him or should I dump him?

- new to the forum by

Hi, just looking for a friend in a similar situation, A bit about me, My husband found sobriety for over 7 years it took a long time for him to get there, I wasn’t aware that he was an alcoholic until I was pregnant with my son who’s a teenager now, Id been with my husband since I was a teenager now I’m late 40s so it was a shock. I stayed for financial reasons, he was a great dad, and I loved him, with the help of my parents I got through it. skip forward to jan this year and I started to notice that he seemed some of the old habits were back got to nip to the shops every few minutes.. my heart sank that feeling in the pit of my stomach, anxiety levels through the roof, I new instantly, I cried lots for the first few mths , begged him and he just lied to my face, I was once again totally heartbroken, anyway he did Manage to get sober but was in complete denial he had drunk, and I’ve found it hard to trust him since, anyway this week I found out he’s drinking again he has so much to lose, so has my son he his heavily involved in sports and my husband helps to coach him, he stayed at our caravan for the last few nights and sent the most hateful comments, it’s always he’s unhappy because of me etc etc I have since lost my parents, my mum is still around but she has dementia all of this makes me miss her all the more, would love to confide in her… anyway totally at a stumbling block as to what to do now.. my husband is said he’s leaving me, it’s always his terms, I’ve lost friends and myself through this journey. Thanks for reading xx

In despair by

Why can I not say no to more money! My parents and I are at breaking point with my 20 nearly 21yo son. I had to refuse him home on bail after he smashed the house up. My parents gave him a home after his friends kicked him out. He did the same to them and they had to evict him. He has been approved for rehab (heard that from his support team) but I think it's all lip service. Then I sit here sobbing as I feel so guilty for doubting him. How much more do I take before I break even more! I tried to explain I can't spare any more money and I can't cope with the pressure of what he's doing. Then it's "I'm blocking you so I can't f your life up too" I asked him if this was to buy more drugs or genuinely pay off a debt and to be honest with me. But he hung up on me. I have no one to talk to because all my close friends are telling me to cut him off. But he's still my son and I know he's in there somewhere. I sent him 20 to ease my guilt but I know he knows which buttons to press and still I let it happen. Sorry for the rant but I'm a blubbering mess right know and I don't know which way to turn. I would run away myself but I have an elderly cat and no where to go!!

1 post

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