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Share Your Story

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Addiction by

I’m writing this because I have no one left in my life. I am a 27 year old male, currently laying in bed waiting for my 9am alarm to go off to start my 13 Hour bar shift high on cocaine and cocodamol and can’t sleep with 2 people I barely know in an air BNB Sleeping in other beds in the same room (it’s 07:30) Now forgive the morbidity but I’ve contemplated suicide several times, actually every time I do drugs I’ll keep going with the hope I’ll overdose ... truthfully, every time ... yet my tolerance is higher than my bank balance so never succeeded. My mum, older brother and I had a fucking shit up bringing by the most lovable mum in the world. We were dragged through her poor choices but never once blamed her as everything she had she gave to us.. domestic violence, heroin addiction, international drug smuggling, homelessness for 13 years, on the run from her ex husband (my biological father) constantly paranoid about being found, bullyed at school, and by him psychologically and physically .. death threats, coffins posted to us with my name on and stab wounds, muggings, arrests, rape, peodophillia, suicides, divorces, racism, ... tbh ... you name it we’ve been through it... we’ve seen it all. Don’t get me wrong my mum now has met someone who is great and been together for 15 years, and I couldn’t be happier for them both ... But my childhood story is hard to accept but our past doesn’t define us, it’s how we come through, and deal with that trauma makes us who we are. But imagine disassociating yourself from reality so much so you never really grow into who you think you were intended to be, because of your past... never learning how to cope ... instead, living your life pleasing everyone but yourself to make sure the shit you went through never happens to anyone else in your control... For example; someone asks your name and you don’t feel comfortable saying it because it’s not a true representation of who you believe you are. My name is Brandon but I’ve never ever said it with confidence as I truely don’t believe I deserve a place on this earth, therefore having a name is irrelevant as nobody will ever need to know it. But cocaine helps to numb it. Painkillers and every other drug helps me forget, for the peak of the high ... then the depressive chat happens and everyone else on drugs has a solution for your shit blah blah 12 hours of Blaaaaaaah. My school friends used to be there but theyve moved on. Friends I considered family - now have no time for my shit. I’m living in the past and can’t move forward, on my own. What should I do? Therapy doesn’t help (I’ve tried it all) Mindfulness, making new friends, changing my personality to suit social situations ... but the only time I ever feel like the real me is when I’m on codeine or coke. Do I carry on taking, content with dying young or change my drug habits to be happier? - (logically that seems like the best bet but an impossibility) How do you deal with demons and how do you move forward? I want to stay alive purely because drugs are great... but at the moment I don’t see any point in carrying on without them. Hit me up????

Help!! by

Hi. I'm new to this forum but am in desperate need of help. My dad (67) is an alcoholic and is going from bad to worse. He has been a drinker for over 20 years but the past few years have been awful. We've tried several times to get him into rehab but because he is malnourished as he doesn't eat properly and he has poor mobility he hadn't been accepted. He's been in hospital several times due to falls etc and been detoxed in there twice - each time he has started drinking again after a few weeks. The last detox was after a hospital admission after he fell down the stairs and knocked himself unconscious! He was detoxed again and my mum tried to say she wouldn't have him at home. As they own their home, apparently she wasn't allowed to do this. If they lived in a council house she would have been allowed to refuse to take him back - how is that right?? ???? The hospital sent him home saying he had no social care or mobility needs - he fell over going in the front door!! Anyway, as he didn't drink for a few weeks, and we paid for carers to come in 3 times a day whilst my mum was at work to make sure he ate and took medication, he built his strength up so he was only walking with a stick and put on some weight. The rehab place finally agreed to take him following a 9 week weekly course. He started drinking again. His mobility is terrible again. The rehab place won't take him again. We're completely at the end of our tethers. I'm more worried about my mum as all this is taking a toll on her. She's already had 2 breakdowns over the years and I'm worried this is all making her ill again. I have my own house and family but she's living it every day. She often has to ring me to get me to go and help pick him up off the floor when he falls drunk and she can't get him up. He wets himself (even with incontinence pads on because he can't be bothered to change them!) He doesn't wash, shower or shave and won't wear clean clothes. He looks like a tramp and not the man I grew up respecting as my dad. He's let us down time and time again. My son is recovering from 4 years of having leukaemia and he didn't even come when he rang the end of treatment bell after 4 years of chemo! Basically my mum needs a break. We need my dad to go somewhere so that she can get some respite but nobody seems to be able to help. We're more than prepared to pay but just don't know where to turn. Any ideas PLEASE (Staffordshire area) Thanks

1 post

where to seek advice and help by

I feel totally deflated my partner has relapsed back to heroine, I have two children aged 15 and 17 who I have bought up with support of family and friends to not know anything about my partner (there dad) but now worry that they will find out from someone else, as he has overdosed a few times, I tell children his working away when he relapses and make sure they have busy life’s and fun things to do so they are unaware of what is really going on,I want to protect them and do the best for them and wonder if there is any support groups that can help me to do this!!this will be so devastating for them but there getting to old to lie to now, any advise is much appreciated thank you

1 post

Please help by

Hi I’m so use to saying what my name is but for the first time in my life I’m ashamed and just haven’t had the courage to speak out to anybody let alone doing something like this so heres how my story goes short version I have had a very traumatic life with my parents and my siblings and I mean in society’s way not just ours altogether never had any dealings with drugs and always worked hard I have had a struggled relationship with my mum whom I’ve always needed the most approval from but up until having my daughter at the age of 29 I thought my mum hated me my daughter is now 11 and both my older brothers have passsed of which circumstances are part of what has built up my problem with co codamol I am now living the dream and I mean living the dream I have everything but I have been addicted to cocodamol now for three years I have stopped taking them on sunday on my own without anybody knowing I’ve been taking them or anybody knowing I have stopped I have tried reading up up on what to expect I know that but I have nowhere to look for the help both my brothers were dependant of high addictions so I can’t believe I have let myself come to this so I’m asking please could someone help me I’m so scared ????

Jamie5 by

5 days clean from codene first time in over 10 years although it’s been a Shit few days withdrawals are starting to ease now, just the mind games now, very pleased with myself on Thursday I went to the chemist for my weekly meds and the cosine tabs were still on it felt great handing it back to the chemist, I honestly never ever thought I could go more than 7 hour without a codine hit and yet here I am over 4 days away from that horrible substance never realised until I found this forum its a fucking epidemic outside for walls????

Ex partners a coke addict by

So I was in a relationship with him for 12 years 2 little boys I’ve had to raise alone due to him not being around. He always been a cannabis use since I met him but the past 3 years he took to coke everyday then most then every weekend then it stops then he goes bad again, he lies about everything he’s cheated on me numerous times all his family hate me because I’m the only one who keeps him sane and doesn’t allow him to have his drugs around me or my kids they all allow it so we don’t get on which causes another big problem with us being together, my family don’t get on with him because of what he’s done to me, it’s caused me pain heartbreak depression I’m seeing a counsellor myself who said maybe talking to other people going through the same might help me. I just blame myself like something must be up with me for him to cheat and lie and choose drugs over me and the boys?!

by CJJ93

18 posts

Rhubarb by

Hi I’m currently in a dry house after treatment for alcohol and subutex. I have stupidly started buying cocodamol and washing out the paracetamol, and have reached 4 packets a day from Various chemists, with 8mg in each tablet, 32 in a box, times 4, I’m taking in liquid form. (I use cold water extraction for the paracetamol) It works out at about 1000mg of codeine. I don’t know what to do !!!! I’ve bought some 30mg codeine tablets online so that I haven’t got to mess about extracting the paracetomol, it’s messy, but they are expensive by comparison. I hate it, it doesnt work anymore, I used to get quite a buzz, I’m just bloated and a complete lack of libido. Any suggestions on how to get out of this mess. The 30mg codeine should be delivered tomorrow, so I was going to try to reduce of them, !!!!!!!

How to deal with family situation by

Found out in the spring, after partner was unable to contribute the usual money to the household bills since September as he was in debt, that he has a cocaine problem. We've been separated since January due to lying, debt issues, his foul temper, borrowing money and building up more debt. He led me to believe he had a gambling problem at first but finally confessed. We've been together 12 years and have 2 kids under 10. The problem seems to have developed over two years and be escalating with money now going missing, fraud, theft. He's so far got away with these things due to family covering, deciding not to press charges. Initially I thought he had depression as I'd noticed the foul moods and lack of energy in the daytime at weekends. The family home is in both our names, and I've been living there with the kids since January but he occasionally (when he's coming down I think) announces that it is his house and moving back in, whether I like it or not. He then probably gets some more coke and goes back to reasonable and is all apologetic. He tried to defraud his mother of some money from a payday loan company and signed her up as a guarantor. Luckily she found this and stopped it. She told him this by text when we were on a weekend away, the weekend just gone. He basically didn't get up on the Sunday and then refused to go home, saying how down and suicidal he felt. He wanted me to leave him there but there's no way I'm leaving him in a vulnerable state miles from home. In the end I bribed him with money to get him to come (Stupid me). Had not a care in the world that the kids would not have time to settle in before school the next day. Also been trying to get him to go to cocaine anonymous meeting which he agreed to but we got there and the venue wasn't open. Later on his come down he was telling me he wasn't going to any meeting to keep anyone else happy, he wants to die but doesn't have the courage to end things. Think its worse sometimes getting hope of getting him better and then the hopes are dashed. Me and his mother have tried encouraging hobbies, days out, weekends away but nothing seems to work. His mood has been sour all week with him telling me he is going to be living back at home yesterday. I ignored this. He's been living very close by with his parents. His Mum messaged me yesterday evening to say that he had hurled a plate of food down the stairs at her so me and kids would probably have to come and stay with her. I got there and he was locked in his room. Suggested he go to ours and get some space but he was going mad about his Mum, swearing, awful language. He then smashes things in the room opened the door and pretended to pee on the floor. I called the police who came and arrested him at our home by the time they had arrived and spoken to us. Drugs weren't mentioned to the police. It felt bad to 'dob' him in but I've been wondering for a while if a shock might help make him realise this is serious. I also kept emphasising his mental state to the police and whether he could be assessed. I don't want him to lose his job though as it is the one thing that he likes, which he would do if the drugs were known about. He messaged me in the early hours of this morning telling me a pack of lies about how the police have told him he can live in the family home, and wasn't sorry at all about what he did. I've told him that the police said that they could make an order there and then to ban him from the family home for 30 days but I said I'd see how it goes...but no he's not seeing that I've chosen to give him a chance. He's refusing to acknowledge that the cocaine is causing the problems and instead seems to chose to blame me or his mother (the ones that are trying to help him). He sees himself as the hard done one and me and his mother are now the enemies for trying to stop him from having his lovely drug. I feel like my real, funny, genuine, kind and conscientious partner is gone and we're left with a selfish, obsessed vampire/zombie who only has thoughts for his next hit. I worry for my kids. They're now reliant on my income only and day to day care as he is in massive debt, cocaine is expensive and he's just unreliable and lazy with domestic life. Its so cruel that the rest of his family have to suffer due to the addiction. I need a plan to deal with it all and stay sane. Wondering at the moment whether it is best to run somewhere he won't find us or stay and watch the inevitable car crash while involving police when its necessary:( If I go then have no job or home which I have worked hard for though. I also don't want to make him my enemy for my kids sake, and as we occasionally see the real, old him who I'm very fond of. We think we found his dealer on facebook due to some comments my partner had made...appears to be a family man, two kids. Its so wrong that my family can suffer to keep his on foreign holidays. Makes me sick to my stomach. really interested in hearing how families with an addicted parent have coped. Going to a local support group soon

by lc100

3 posts