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Desperate

I am a Desperate mum..... My son has just turned 15 and is addicted to weed. It has turned my home life upside down, I have lost my beautiful first born..... Our whole world as we know it has been wrecked by this discusting, vile drug...

I have come on here because Im desperate, my family support me but they don't understand....

I feel in a very lonely place as I don't know how to deal with him..... I have supported him, encouraged him yet he still blames me for everything that happens...... I miss him so much....

replying to KJU

Hi I joined here today and have spent most of the day reading other people’s stories. I empathise with you as I have been going through hell for many years. It’s normal we as parents get blamed for there wrong doings. I also miss my boys. I have tried helping them but they need to want to help themselves. I won’t go into detail as I am here answering your concerns. I never really speak to people as they do not understand if they have not lived with mental illness drug addiction or gambling. Unfortunately I have the full whammy from 2 out of 4 children. Being the two are the younger ones. Society has changed loads and as I am older I am finding it more n more difficult to understand life today. I do hope you can find help. I am still alone trying to cope. But I must admit my desperation brought me here today. I got the courage to let my feelings out. And to read about what other people are going through, even though devastating, I am not alone. You are not alone. Also I don’t cover up their addiction any more. I tell my family now. Although truthfully I do keep the majority to myself through embarrassment and feeling a failure. But it’s not our fault.

replying to KJU

Thankyou for your reply, I made the decision from day one not to hide it.... If I kept it his secret I believe it would make him think I'm allowing him to do this to himself....

I'm writing this whilst worrying as my son is out.... I chase him constantly but don't get the honest answers...

Social media now plays a massive part in kids lives, it has made them because desensitised to every thing... When you read people's stories it does make you realise what a sad world we live in... I believe because it is still such a taboo subject that's why we all feel so isolated..... Xx

replying to KJU

I also just want to say it's not your fault we are all in charge of our own choices and decisions. Unfortunately some get it wrong or they are vulnerable and people take advantage of that... Keep strong x

replying to KJU

Hi this is my first time on here too I'm desperate I had a beautiful 17 year old daughter, She is now withdrawn and angry all the time. She started on weed and has moved onto cocaine due to her ex boyfriend who I now find out is a dealer. She is skipping college, staying out all night, jacked her part time job in, stealing money etc. I'm at a loss as to what to do! It breaks my heart to see her like this. I've tried grounding her, confiscating her phone, and keeping her busy doing lots of things...but give her a moments trust and she's back to lying I just can't trust her. I am at my wits end, I can't bring myself to throw her out but equally I can't keep going on like this!

replying to KJU

Hi again just read your message. My son that still lives at home has just gone out, should have been at work. I am always trying to check up on him. His coat was here his bike still in shed so I knew he had not gone to work. Text him as I am worried about his mental state of mind with the drugs. He’s round his female friend so am guessing will be on drugs again tonight. He is 28 my other son is 26. Both mental health problems drugs and gambling. My two older children do not have much to do with them as they like myself are totally against what they are doing. This has been ongoing on and off since the ages of 16 and I feel helpless. I just thank god it’s not heroin, unlike some of the write ups I have read about. All the same it is still as worrying as a mother knowing what they are taking. I am so fed up of letting what they do rule my every day life. I told them that the stress will probably kill me one day. I also said if I did not care I would let you get on with it. Unfortunately the addiction is far stronger than the love and respect for the parents. We try to help them but they look at us as a hindrance. I feel bitterness towards my husband at times because he is the step father and he is watching tv without a care in the world and I have to burden all of the stress alone. It is not his fault but this is what happens. Addiction destroys families. I feel for you so much as your son is only young. This is how it started with mine. I never thought that they would both end up the way they have. One of my sons is under the mental health and I have asked them for help for myself. They said they would come to see me in two weeks so I can have someone to talk to. I really don’t know how much more I can take. I am so scared that one day they will overdose. Gambling on top causes suicide in young men so I am living on my nerves. Keep at it and don’t give up. I whinge I shout I ask questions I tell them the dangers etc, not that they don’t already know. But I am not going to sit back and let them get on with it and turn a blind eye. I don’t care how old they are I will not give up. I can honestly say I know exactly what you are going through, and like you said, social media is a big thing nowadays. Keep your chin up. And you are not alone. I wish I could say it will get better. But hopefully your boy may be one of those who will grow out of it. Thankyou for the reply x

replying to KJU

I just want to thank you both for your honest posts..... I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter that breaks my heart also.. No matter what age our children are I don't believe it makes it any easier, they will always be our babies. X sending love and comfort x

replying to KJU

I've just joined this forum today. My son is 15, and is dependant on cannabis and smokes a lot of DMT.

I've just given up my part time job to spend more time with him, try to understand him better, listen to him more and try to help him.

I've just found a drug and alcohol counseling service at our local community health service and my main goal right now is to try and get him there for a chat with the psychologist.

I think the best way to help is to not be pushy, judgmental, blaming or angry, but to be loving, understanding, and to empower them to make better choices.

The psychologist I spoke to told me to invite him to come and have a chat about what is quelling for him and what isn't, in regard to the drugs. I like this approach and I think her might have a chance of helping my son as it sounds like it's collaborative rather than simply telling my son what to do.

I'm praying every day for my son and for all the other kids who are caught up in similar messes that our kids are in.

replying to KJU

I do hope this works for you, I have managed to get a team In place for my son at school, he has a mentor and has agreed to work with adaction... It's a slow process but he does talk to them and he asked that they tell me what is going on. Sometimes a third party makes it easier for him to tell me what is happening. My son is also self harming and could only tell me through them.... We are awaiting councilling from Camhs but the wait is long....

There is a lot of help whilst they are children, but I feel for the families that are dealing with older children classed as adults..... Good luck keep strong you are doing a great job x

replying to KJU

How sad that we have all had to resort to looking for help on the internet. Everyone’s posts are so sad, and it is hard to speak out to others who will never truly understand how we feel unless have lived with it. I went through all the channels with one of my sons. Then it was child and family guidance. Complete waste of time. Psychiatrist behaviour support you name it I have done it. Was unable to work as never was given full time education even though he had statement of educational needs. Spent 10 years being sent round in circles to finally get diagnosis ADHD. I already knew this at age of 3 bring the 4th child I knew it was going to be a difficult time. So I can understand how you are all feeling as I have been there. Hopefully you will all get more help than I was ever offered. We were let down by the system and was left to me to contend with. I did the best I could and I have got this far. He’s not in prison. He has his own place, he’s always looked after his appearance so that was never an issue. But the mental side will always be there. The abuse, the sorry I did not mean it. The tantrums when I say no. I now have to detach myself away by just ignoring his messages for a couple days till he calms down. Have to be his councillor when he’s on his depressed state of mind. I will help him any way I can but I will not give into his demands any more. Even though I hate it it’s their choices (my sons) to do what they do. They openly let me know what they are doing. I advise them on the consequences I always have done. They know what damage it is doing to their mental state of minds and to the body but if they are not willing to stop it is out of my hands now they are adults. I have tried since the ages that you are all at now and all it has given me is stress and worry. My husband and I are getting older now and it should be our time to enjoy what time we have left as we are only here once. Yet I seem to spend my days constantly worrying about them two. It will never go away until you can emotionally detach yourselves away from them. Some parents have to and can, me personally I never will be able to but I have learnt to take a step back as no matter how calm or irrational I am it has not stopped them. My older two are fed up of listening to me and it’s not fair in them as they have their own lives and families which makes me feel so alone. Sorry if this has not helped any of you but I do hope you all get the help that is needed as I am sure there should be more help out there now to when mine were young. Good luck and try and stay strong all of you x

Access to this forum has been temporarily disabled for all users. If you are looking for immediate support, you can call the Samaritans on 116 123.

We have temporarily closed this forum for maintenance and review.

Adfam exists to provide support for, and improve the lives of, families affected by substance use, and we have found that in recent months the balance of posts has shifted to focus on users’ personal issues with substances and addiction. While we recognise that these are issues that deserve support, the high volume of posts had become unmanageable for our small team, and was preventing us from facilitating support for families. We have closed the forum to re-evaluate, and we will be re-launching as soon as possible with a renewed focus on family support. From that point on, we will not be facilitating any conversation regarding individuals’ own substance use.

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