: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

4 replies

Am I over thinking this...

I've been with my husband for years but no children, we love each other very much and we can be quite happy, apart from the problem with alcohol. I have never been a big drinker, nor have I come from a family who drinks a lot. We like a couple here and there, but to be quite honest I spent a lot of time not drinking, just because it didn't interest me. Him, on the other hand, is the polar opposite, comes from a family of people who drink to access. He almost sees me as odd because I don't but I completely get why people like a drink, as I do sometimes.

When we were a bit younger, I'd lose him for days. He'd go out for a few and not come home, or he'd crawl in an absolute mess. I could never get hold of him because he would just ignore me, as he knew he'd be in trouble I assume. I then spent ages calling around his friends because I'd fear the worst. We've had trips booked and he knows about them, and we'd be leaving to go early and he'd crawl in absolutely smashed after saying he'd go for a few. Ultimately meaning we couldn't go. This has been happening on and off for the past 7 years. Normally it'll happen, I'll get let down because I've stupidly relied on him, we'll talk it out and we sail along fine until it happens a few months later. I've found my bottles of alcohol polished off without me knowing so I don't buy alcohol at all. He does, and I notice he has to have them all. He basically goes off the rails with alcohol and forgets about the impact it has on others. It makes me so mad meaning I'm going to be grumpy. I've tried to keep my cool but it's so hard when it happens. He then spends days feeling sorry for himself, not looking after himself and never doing any housework and I'm left with everything.

All came to blows a few months ago when he said he was doing one thing and was actually at the pub early lunch meeting people. So I packed my bags and left the house to stay with friends. I told him I needed space away. He finally agreed with me that perhaps he needs help. He drinks when he is sad and when he is happy and has no stopping point. I've flagged this so many times I'm exhausted from it. I've tried not to push him into anything as I know it needs to come from him, he started following the alcoholics pathway or steps and was doing so well. Then started drinking again. Presently, he trying to find a balance, he has realized he has a problem stopping so is limiting himself. It has been working, but I really really can see him struggling to hold back and say no more. And here we are today.

Basically, he has crushed me emotionally without realizing, meaning anything to do with alcohol and him is tainted for me. Every time drink is involved or he is around others drinking I basically lose my husband or I worry I will. I've caught him after a night out meeting mates in the pub having a pint at 11.30am.

None of his family see it as an issue because they're all like it, mine are happy to help but don't want to get involved unless last resort and none of his friends realize how bad this is to me. Thing is I'm looking horrendous to everyone because I'm left feeling so low and upset, but nobody understands my situation and what I'm coping with. I'm so embarrassed and alone. Am I just being a nag or is this someone with a problem? And if it is a problem what do I do next as obviously I want to help.

replying to ftthmh

hi, I've no advice for you I'm afraid but just wanted to say I'm in a similar situation and I don't think you're being a nag as I feel for same. Weekend nights are regularly ruined for me as I'm waiting for my other half to return home or ring me to pick him up. He has no respect or thoughts for my night, despite me working 2 jobs during the week and him not working at all. I fully understand what you're going through

replying to ftthmh


Thank you for posting your story. I do sympathise with what you are going through. It is not surprising that you feel your husband's drinking has pulled you down emotionally as it is something very hard to live with.

I'm sad that you feel alone in this and wonder if you would like to talk with people who would understand. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We support people who are going through what you are, dealing with the impact of a loved one's addictive behaviour. We have trained and experienced people that you could talk with if you feel it would be helpful to you.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org

I hope this is useful. All the very best.

replying to ftthmh

wow, this is so odd reading this as I am in the EXACT same situation.. mine goes to support groups, doesnt touch a drink for 4 weeks then relapses and binges with alcohol and cocaine.

he sees me as a nag as well, I find myself analysing him, every move he makes, everytime he leaves the house.

He too makes promises and breaks them, letting me down, alcohol comes first as soon as he has 1, he becomes so selfish. Which is so unlike him.

I have left and packed my bags because of it so many times.

I dont know what to do either, he binges and is mentally unwell for days after and hates himself for it then it happens again, its so draining.

replying to ftthmh

Yes this story is so familiar, especially when they look at you as if you are the one with the problem. It is selfish, and it is so emotionally draining and disempowering. Your only crime is you want the real person - the person with no alcohol in their blood streams, that's who you fell in love with. Instead its like living with a Jekyll and Hyde - and you can never be absolutely sure who you are going to wake up with or is going to walk through the door.

Take comfort that all your emotions are real and justified, and you don't need to make excuses for them. You are only human.

Do seek out support, simply knowing you are not alone is so valuable.

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