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Really need some help and advice please

Hello, I am completely new to these (or any) forums, so not entirely sure if this is the right thing to do. I have been going round in circles trying to decide what to do about my son and would appreciate some help from others in a similar situation.

Will try not to take too long... before anything else I need to write about my brother. He died last year, (aged 54), alone in a bed and breakfast hotel in London. He had been a long time cannabis and heroin user. He had lived with our mother until her death (stealing money and lieing to her). After she died in 2014 her house was sold and I helped my brother buy a flat, he also had some extra money from Mum to live on. Despite everything I loved him, we kept in touch and I gave him food etc sometimes, never money. We didn't know he sold he flat and was living in a b&b for 3 weeks before he died, no one did.

Now, my son, who is 24 is a heavy Cannabis user.He struggled through school, but with support, passed his GCSE's. He has almost always had a job. We thought his life was finally on track when he met a lovely girl, who didn't use drugs or smoke. They had both lived with us for nearly two years. They moved out in January, then recently split up, he moved home in August.

He has just been diagnosed with ADHD. The (ex)girlfriend also now uses Cannabis

replying to Marion

Sorry pressed submit!!!! Hope this is ok.... anyway, he is using constantly, has been aggressive (police called twice when he was younger), threatened suicide ( which we have taken seriously and tried to get him help for). We need him to move out, it is too hard to keep living with him like this and seeing him like this. We have tried rehab, counselling, doctors, psychiatrists, nothing changes. We can't have our friends to visit as we never know if he will have a melt down and the house can smell of cannabis (he smokes in the shed). He has a job (for now), so can support himself.

Just need to be able to ask him to move out, but struggling with it. Feel like the worst mother for not being able to stop him becoming so unhappy. His life is so sad, I'm scared he will end up like my brother.

Sorry for extra long post, no friends to talk to who would understand. Thank you.

replying to Marion

Hi Marion my heart goes out to you it's a terrible situation to be in I'm also sorry about the loss of your brother. Sometimes we have to think of our own sanity and do what we know is right for us my son's addiction cocaine has had a massive impact on my life and I know it's easier for other people who don't understand to say but please think of yourself it sounds like you've gone through enough already.. the worrie never goes away I hope you can be strong I know how hard it is ...best wishes

replying to Marion

Hello Lime18, thank you for your message. So sorry for you and your son too, hopefully you will also stay strong and find some peace of mind. It is helpful to find a community of people who do understand, with very best wishes to you.

replying to Marion

Hello Marion. We all deal with things in different ways. I worry daily but also give myself time too. My youngest 26 similar ways to your son. By the way sorry for your loss of your brother. I had to throw my son out as he was violent. I have written posts elsewhere so won’t repeat myself. Take time to read other posts as it helped me.,I was lucky as he had friends and family to sofa surf till he was homed by the council. His aggressive behaviour is always there but things are getting easier as he’s not been living at home for 11/2 years. He can not afford to do the drugs as much now he has his independence although he has stated he’s never going to stop. He also has ADHD and unfortunately that comes with lots of different traits that most people will never understand. I speak with psychiatrist when I go to his appointments and it’s normal for mental illness to self medicate. Don’t get me wrong I don’t condone it in any way but I am also powerless to stop it too. I have another son who self medicates but only last week I gave him an ultimatum “you either stop doing it in my home or you are out like your brother”. He is the weaker of the two and works very hard. I accepted that he was not going to stop but his was more recreational. He also suffers from mental illness. He has been taking ketamine for months now on a daily basis and it’s been destroying me and himself.,It reflected on his last wages and for the past week or so he has not been taking it. Wether he is seeing sense knowing that my actions speak louder than words. Although the substitute of weed seems to be wangling it’s way in. There’s just no stopping it. So yes every day is a battle, and yes I do now take time out for myself I deserve it. As a caring parent I will worry every day as I always have done,but I have learnt over the years all the hard work I put in as a parent is the best that I could do. I will never give up trying to help them but they also need to want to stop and my two don’t want to. I don’t know if that was any help for you. Feel free to message back. I am here if you need to off load x

replying to Marion

Hello, and thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It does give me some hope that your eldest son is living independently and that has helped to restrict his drug use, that is what I am hoping will happen with our son if /when we can get him to move out.

What a nightmare for you having to cope with a second child on ketamine ( my son has admitted to using it and "everything " previously too, says it's just weed atm). You are being strong dealing with it and at least your second son knows you mean what you say, hope I can be the same. My mum could never say no to my brother. He conned her out of money by saying he was doing up a couple of vans to sell, but they always needed another part before they could be sold (which she paid for). She was really shocked when we were able to tell her there were no vans. She always gave him the benefit of the doubt. He took her bank card and was taking money out of her account when she was in hospital for the last time. He also didn't want to give up the drugs. She was sad and depressed and worried what would happen to him when she was gone.

That is why I admire you in being able to take a stand and taking some time out for you, as you say, there seems to be nothing we can do to help them stop if they don't really want to.

Thanks again, it does help knowing other people understand, and I am going to take some time to read other posts too.

Best wishes x

replying to Marion

Hi again my 26 year old is living alone and the 28 year old still at home. Don’t get me wrong ,I have been sucked in with money in the past, but I have made sure they have both paid me back every penny. Can you not get your son on the council list that is what I have done with both of my sons. My eldest two are both married with families of their own and despise drugs and how it has effected me. At first my son put me on a guilt trip for making him homeless (he was sofa surfing) so I knew he was safe. With his mental health etc put him as an emergency for housing. Long story short he is now realising how much better life is for him away from home. I still have to manage all his bills and washing etc, I probably always will till I am no longer here. If it was left to him then he would be on the streets with no money. Basically I am his carer. He is now limited money wise tonwhat he can smoke or put up his nose but he is getting better. Had a good week at home with the other one. He’s been working hard (still owes me) but he’s not been snorting ket. You know if only I could lay my hands on the dealer, bet he’s been rubbing his hands together getting my sons hard earnt cash. Well he’s smoking weed now instead so in my eyes at least he’s not destroying his organs daily like he has been doing. He says it’s one a day after work to make him relax. I do not hide it from my friends any more. It’s their choice and they are not kids. It’s a shame that you can not have friends round. My friends have seen the other son abuse me etc as he has no filter. But now he is no longer living at home I can say to him not to come round if I have friends here. And if he does come and start abusing me then I ask him to leave so it does make life a lot simpler to what I have had to go through. Gambling on top of the drugs and the come downs. It’s never ending. I know I sound calm now but it has been a good week. Last week when I came to this site I was at my wits end. At least your son is talking to you. All you can do is explain about the dangers etc which I have always done. Yes I scream and shout as it’s soul destroying seeing your little ones you have nurtured destroying themselves. But it never stopped them so for my own sanity I have had to take a step back and try and be calm about things. I do state though not in my home, otherwise you are out like your brother. My biggest fear is what will happen when I am no longer around, probably the same as how your mother was feeling. They do tend to pull on your heart strings. But remember they are good liars when it comes to drugs and gambling. Hope you are feeling ok xx

replying to Marion

Hi, sorry not replied sooner, wanted to read your post carefully again. You have had a terrible time, hope you have supportive friends.

Can quite understand why weed is a better option than ketamine, why do they even try these things for heavens sake!! And it is soul destroying.

I have a younger son who, like your older children, has seen what has happened to his uncle and brother with drugs and hates it. He has stopped seeing friends because he doesn't like how they drink. He is also living at home, but barely speaks to his brother and spends a lot of his time trying to avoid him. They were good friends when they were little.

You are doing everything possible for your boys, there is enough to worry about in the present without thinking too much about the future, it will keep you awake at night and it sounds like your boys are slowly going in the right direction. Know what you mean about being a carer, that's what I am too. The psychiatrist we spoke to said that I was my son's "frontal lobe", basically I did all the thinking for him! We must have super brains with all the thinking we have to do!!

Like you said they are manipulative and good liars, my boy is good at talking to me when he needs me....(or money) and he knows how to pull on the heart strings, need to remember that...

Hope you are having a good week with your boys and also feeling ok, thank you again for your messages xx

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