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Cocaine husband I need some advice :-(

Hi everyone, I have just rang FRANK and they gave me this website as they said it would help me as others will be going through the same thing.

I found out last Jan that my husband was a cocaine addict through a lot of money going missing out of the joint account, I never realised as I had no reason to suspect anything.

He left home and continued for 2 months doing a lot of drugs, in this time I became a wreck and was checking everything, phone records, emails, following him I became a spy to my shame.

In March he came home as he was trying to sort himself out and I didn't want to turn my back on him. He lost his job so I took a loan out so we would be ok for money.

It was hard but I thought he was doing ok.

He told me the area we lived in was a trigger so we sold our house (one we had spent years doing up) and rented until we decided where we wanted to live, so he now has a lot of money in his bank account which is worrying me as we spent so many years doing the house up and made a good profit.

Fast forward 3 weeks ago, we got back off holiday and he was acting strange and started an argument so said so you want me to leave, all planned I can see now and he left.

He took £1000 out that night and continued to take more out each night.

On the 4th day he came around and told me it was all my fault I treated him like dirt, I spoke to him badly and we were never happy.

He is staying at his sisters house and says he is getting himself better as what's more important than our marriage is his health. (I agree with that I suppose)

What I am struggling to cope with is all the support I have given him and he has just tossed me aside like a piece of rubbish (I know I am being selfish and making it about me but its how I feel at the moment)

I have no one to talk to as friends and family where there 1st time around but they wont be this time around.

I cant eat, sleep, its affecting my job, my mind is on overdrive imagining all different scenarios, I am just not in a very nice place at the moment.

It has now turned to him txting saying he isn't coming back home (I didn't ask him to) and he needs to be on his own.

I am so confused has anyone been through similar and how did you cope.

Thanks in advance.

replying to cally1001

This is so sad - he is clearly fighting an addiction and until he seeks help this will continue and will get worse - addicts become extremely selfish and blame you for their behaviour, do know, it is not you or your fault. Sending lots of love to you, I hope he gets the help he needs xxx

replying to cally1001

Hi Cally,

I'm sorry to hear how badly your husband's drug habit is affecting you. It must be very hard that you don't feel that you have anyone who you can talk to about what is happening.

You aren't alone as sadly, many people are in similar situations to yourself. I work for The Icarus Trust which is a charity set up to support people, like your, who are dealing with the impact of a family member's addictions.

If you feel it would be useful, please contact us and you will be put in touch with one of our trained and experienced people who you could talk with. This might help you to make sense of things and find out what other help is available.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

1 reply

replying to cally1001

I'm in the same situation, husband abusing drink and cocaine. His personality has completely changed toward me because of this.

I don't consider myself selfish because I feel I need help too, coping with him. After everything I have done for his family and him, I too have also been tossed aside. My feelings don't matter any more it's all about him. I have never known him so selfish and uncaring in all our married life. I feel used and feel I have been disrespected.

I too cannot sleep or eat. it's affecting my job as I cannot concentrate. My mind never stops its on overdrive day and night.

So yes I'm in the same boat, I'm just thinking that in time I will come to hate him for what he has done to us. Bad I know but I actually cope a little better if I imagine my husband to be dead and then I can think of our wonderful life before. I can then cope with this thing that has replaced him a little better.

All I can do is hope my husband returns as quickly as he disappeared.

2 replies

replying to cally1001

Hi All

Well I posted this on the 24th Nov.

I didn't see him again until the 2nd of Dec when he turned up in a bad way and I stupidly let him stay.

I witnessed him withdrawing over 3 days which was horrendous (considering I have never been in the same room as people taking drugs or seen a comedown) the first night his face was in total agony and he was blowing his nose constantly, disgusting but when he was asleep I looked in one of the tissues and there was bits of his nose in it, it wasn't snot (sorry) it was literally the padding out of his nose!

he woke up screaming saying it was the devil after him and he said the devil had my face and I was scratching at him (nice) when I woke up he was asleep on the couch and a bottle of gin and a bottle of wine where empty!

he then slept for 2 days, He then went into work for 4 days god knows how.

on the 7th day he seemed ok and he booked into the drug centre where we live, he txt to say it was horrible etc. 3 hours later he rang to say I have done it again!!! I came home from work thinking he would be gone but he was in the spare room coked off his head looking at the internet at what cocaine does to the body!!

Again he slept for another few days and then he missed work.

I didn't know how to cope so was still questioning him which I know would have added to the stress but there is no handbook.

2 days later he was gone again after an argument.

He rang a few times and asked if he could come for xmas I said no I would spend it on my own (thinking this would make him realise how bad it was)

He came Xmas eve and told me he was LEAVING ME and to get a divorce and left.

I spent 25th Dec until the 2 Jan on my own in the house, no contact from him at all.

He contacted me on the 6th jan to say I take drugs, get a divorce if you want a future!!!

No contact since then.

I have just put a deposit on a rental property and I move in 2 weeks and I have blocked all contact.

I have been talking to a councellor from the icarustrust.org and having one to one with a charity called footsteps and also attended a group for concerned families but I realised these sessions where about him and I needed to speak to someone about what I needed to do. he takes vast amounts of drugs and I realise I will never get any answers.

I told my work what was happening and they have paid for counselling and we are working out what I need to do now with my life, its about me now him!!

I have lost over 2 stone, my hair started falling out, I have cried everyday since the 24th and I know I wont stop crying for a lot longer but I am coming to realise that is par the course.

I am still in the denial part, my family cannot understand but I am remembering the husband I fell in love with and not this stranger that appeared all those months ago.

He has killed my plans of a family one day I am 40 now, he will have spent most of his half of the profit from the house, so killed the other dream of the house we wanted.

After speaking with his sister he was an addict in his 20's, no-one thought to tell me, and he has been doing it for the whole of our relationship (I had no clue) but got really bad 18 months ago so my whole relationship was a lie and that is what is hard to deal with.

I wish I could say I feel stronger but I don't but I know I will, I just take each day as it comes.

I lay in bed wishing he would come home but I am now starting to think why would I want that, to leave at xmas and tell me all them lies, I deserve more than that!

I worry that he will stop and meet someone else and give them the life we should have had but if he does then he does and I will know for sure that he never cared.

He still blames me 100% for all this happening as he says he was unhappy, we got married 2 years ago!!

Hox

I wish I had some good advice for you but its painful and there is nothing you can do but go through it, its nearly 3 months for me and I didn't think I would survive but I have and I am talking to you now, as I said day by day. I am here if you need to talk.x

Sorry for long post but good to get it off my chest.

replying to cally1001

Just like to add we have been together 12 years and married 2 so its been a long time this lie has been going on.

replying to cally1001

Yes it is painful. I have lost two dress sizes, folk say I look good, but its the stress not a diet or healthy eating. They are none the wiser. The stress is etched in my face though I am feeling older.

It has not been good for you, he's lying it isn't your fault he has to blame someone.

I also have the bloody tissues and numerous other ailments that are connected to cocaine but it doesn't register. It is a miserable existence.

replying to cally1001

Reading this made me feel so sad for you.. you must know that YOU are not the problem, his addiction is and he will lose everything eventually.

Gosh that really worries me, I am 25 now and I have the same sort of thing with my husband (not as bad though) but I am terrified itll get to this.

Everytime addicts want a binge they start arguments to go and use and it leaves us there sad, blaming ourselves, questioning the way weve been towards them, when it actually isnt us.

I really truly wish you the best and all the happiness that you deserve, you are so incredibly strong..

I too am struggling at the moment but I am at the start of this and reading your post makes me want to run a mile, its so hard when you love someone.

Drugs and alcohol changes people, it really does...

I hate cocaine, I hate anything to do with it. I hate alcohol because its often in the places where alcohol is sold, my whole life is anxiety and worry over this.

How have you found icarustrust.org - I too am thinking of contacting them for some help. I need support too, supporting a recovering addict is draining.

lots of love Cally... xx

1 reply

replying to cally1001

I just want to say how helpful this thread has been. I don't feel very able to articulate my story but so much is my life,the blaming,big money withdrawal s,the sleeping for days I'll, missing work, drunk booze bottles by the sofa, . Loss of future hopes,losing weight ,hair loss. Wild accusations that I'm having affairs, Crying every day,every pocket I find full of my tissues from tesrs.There really does seem to be so many of us out there . I live with it but I think I am reaching a point of detachment for self preservation . It's all so exhausting.

replying to Sheree9hotmailcouk

There are a lot of us in the same situation. Before finding this forum I felt totally alone and unable to talk about what was truly happening.

If detaching yourself for self preservation works do it. We have to try to look after our own wellbeing too whilst worrying about the ones we love. Sadly they do not think about us whilst they are drinking, sniffing cocaine and not bothering going to work. Mine was burying his head in the sand and not dealing with a prison sentence looming.

I'm now trying to deal with the debt that 'husband' has left me. Plus juggling paying bills and the mortgage myself. It is exhausting.

I wish you both well.

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