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replying to Hox

Hello everyone. I have read every single post here.

I just recently got out of a relationship with this girl that used cocaine. She was in such denial about it its unbelievable. She had also all the signs. Moody, restless, constant runny nose, headaches, feeling ill, all of it. And often.

I was so inlove with her. And I tried to talk to her about it. Even mention all the things above. Tell her about my concerns. But she just deflected everything. "Its not that much". She made me paranoid and feel stupid. But my gut told me something was up.

I know for a fact in my heart she was using ALOT more than she told me she did. Not a day went without her blowing her nose and having these signs. She said it was a cold or because her being allergic to pollen. But pollen causes itchy eyes aswell as runny nose. And she only had a runny nose.

She also has two sons with shared custudy with their father also. Which makes this alot more depressin and sad.

In the beginning I understood that she was using and confronted her after a party we both went to. The day after I told her I dont want to be with her if she does coke. And she said she did go to addiction center and did tests every week. What i didnt know then is that addicted people play those test easy as stealing candy from a kid.

But the signs never stop. The nose, the mood, all of it. So I had to end it.

I had to break up with her against my will. Because I was so inlove it was crazy. I still am as I am writing this with tears down my face.

And soon after she got someone new already and she never understood my concern about her use or anything. I feel so betrayed and like a such a loser for falling for what she said to me. Please someone. I need support I am at a loss

2 replies

replying to Hox

Hi. My husband is using cocaine about 3 times a week and drinks excessively on those days too. We have two young children. He had a breakdown in December and stayed sober for a month but has slipped back in to his ways quite quickly. He thinks I don't know where his 'stuff' is but I do, and I've become some mad detective in my own home. I'm not happy with the way things are going but dont know how to approach him or what to do next. Would appreciate any advice xxxx

replying to Saz

Hey Saz. I'm 2 weeks clean from coke today. I'm doing my best to stop - I hate the stuff. Does he want to quit? It will be a lot better if he does.

He needs to delete all dealers numbers and friends. He also needs to take up new hobbies - to keep him busy.

To keep me busy - I do these things; I listen to addiction recovery podcast, gym, read, play with the kids and a few other things. I also watch on you tube - recovery mum, she was an ex coke addict and has some great videos. I'm also reading a lot now which helps me - and I never read before. Feel free to ask me out

replying to Crave88

Sorry to hear this. You are not a loser believe me you will eventually realise you are a winner. We cannot help who we fall in love with and cocaine will ruin most relationships. We all believe their lies in the beginning and I understand your feeling betrayed. Cocaine will come first in a relationship and they will never understand your concern you have been brave to get out of it as you would have been enabling her to continue.

replying to Saz

Danman has given advise on how he deals with his situation as he wants to stop. Does your husband want to? It is a difficult situation because he may think he hasn't got a problem. We cannot make them stop whatever we say, do or threaten. They need to do it themselves.

I too was looking everywhere. I still find the dreaded stuff now and other drugs around the place. It will drive you mad in the end this detective work. There is no right time to approach him if he is not ready.

replying to Hox

Hi,

Not posted for a while, but its been good to look back at everyone's comments but sad to see so many people effected by the same things.

The help I had from Icarus trust was amazing - phoned me every week at agreed times when it was safe for me to talk. Also since I was last on here, I found a local support service for family members of drug users (out of my area so I felt it was confidential enough - but near enough for me to get to. They were really great - just listened with no judgement). They sent me on a day group work course for 'carers' which helped me learn to look after my own needs better, I also started having some counselling to try and work out why I was still struggling to let go of a relationship that was making me feel so bad.

Iv'e been really lucky having the above and have gradually started to have more confidence to confide in a couple of close friends who I really trust. Being able to finally feel able to be more honest with someone close to me has been a massive relief. I have chosen these friends carefully though as I know many people will judge him and me for choosing to stay with him.

I guess the problem with addictions is that what causes them is so complex and its still so misunderstood that many people in the world want to judge it so negatively. I think this maybe stops people and their families seeking the help they need and being honest? Living a double life and the 'lie', pretending we were ok when we are far from it has been one of the things I have felt hardest. Sometimes I feel like my face would crack with the false smiles I have put on.

Problem is the behaviours that come with addiction - the lying, cheating, stealing, the wrecklessness, the compulsion to use over the consequences to those around it, can make a person seem so dis-likeable and untrustworthy to those who don't know them well (I know many people suffer violence from their loved ones too - I'm lucky iv'e never experienced that from this partner). To those who do know them well, it's so confusing as we love their good parts and crave seeing that person again, but we are constantly hurt by their behaviours so are constantly in conflict as to how to treat them what to do to help them or to protect ourselves.

I didn't really identify as being a 'carer' but guess we kinda are in a way if you accept addiction as a disease where someone loses the ability to control the compulsion to use? I know there are others that have been forced to do much more than myself both practically and financially though. I felt like had I started parenting my partner so I guess it is caring in a way (waking him up for work in a morning, doing all the cooking, cleaning, getting up with his kids when they come to stay while he snores away on his back. I gave up trying to wake him up time and time again as it made me too angry but then doing what I felt like he should be doing made me angry too so it's hard to win). I don't know if me being like this though has done either of us any good. Maybe I'm too soft, I don't know?

If I look at addiction as a disease I feel less angry with my partner but with that in mind am uncertain if I then enable him in some ways which could be feeding the addiction? It would be good to hear from anyone who has struggled with their drug use what is the best thing that helps from their partners or family members? Can you reduce it back to now and again use or do you think you need to try and cut it out completely? What do we do as family members to help? Do we need to be more strict? Do we need to to be more understanding? Is it more about how we learn to communicate with each other? How honest should we be with our kids?

The Carer's course told us not to take responsibility for things which the people we were caring for could do for themselves, I find its hard to know which of these things are always. Its easier to know if someone has a broken leg that they cant walk and might need help with lifting and cooking and stuff but less obvious when a problem is with someones mind or mental health. I do believe my partner has PTSD, he doesn't sleep and has nightmares. He went to the GP for counselling re this but what I don't know is if he was honest about his coke use and how much that was contributing to his symptoms.

I told my partner I needed us to to get coke out of our lives or I would end things with him and I meant it this time. I appreciate however its not going to be that easy for him to just stop but he is pretty negative about using services - he has been through them all in the past and doesn't feel they can teach him any more. I think its his pride as well.

I am taking a good look at myself in terms of what mixed messages I give and trying to be clearer on what I will or won't tolerate. I'm still not 100% clear but am working on it in counselling and I'm getting there. If I didn't have a problem with him using now and again on a night out in the past would I still tolerate it now given how things have got? What would I do if I found him using coke in my house? What would I do if we went on a night out now and he was using, what would I do if I stayed at his and found him using downstairs after I had gone up to bed? I'm still uncertain if my life can improve with him in it and how to contribute to us moving forwards together if that is possible.

Towards the end of last year I started to intentionally distance myself from him and we stayed together and saw each other much less (we don't officially live together and he has always had his own place, so appreciate this was easy for me to do than people who are financially tied). I spent more time with friends and felt less drained and anxious but I still felt sad and still missed him. I hoped if he saw less of me he would miss me too - it didn't always work though and sometimes I didn't hear from him for days which hurt so much and a few times I gave in and would phone him all hysterical. He would seem emotionless and cold and I felt like a stupid child begging and humiliated.

The longest I didn't see him for was 2 weeks. I actually started to get used to the idea of being single and started to feel better in myself and happier again. But we hadn't officially sat down and said we were over and hadn't had that conversation with our kids. That was what I dreaded the most, another family breakup.

He said he didn't want to end things and would do whatever it took. I felt confused about whether he actually loved me or was using me and couldn't cope with being on his own. We agreed to start dating again. But we always had used to go to pubs which was where he always used coke so I found it really hard not to feel anxious and question his every movement and was scared we had nothing to talk about any more. I was scared maybe we never did and it was drinking and drugs scene which had brought us together. Each time he was a few minutes late coming back to my house i would become hysterical and would obsessively phone him and scream at him. He actually took it though mostly and said he understood how his behaviour had impacted on me.

He still hasn't gone for help from any substance use services though.

Weirdly, my partner appears to have stopped using coke since this lock-down - his behaviour is consistent with this (is spending more time with me, is coming to bed almost at same time, hasn't done a disappearing act, is driving less erratic, is helping to cook and go shopping, seems happier, more affectionate). It seems he is more like the person he was when we first got together. I'm trying to enjoy it for what it is now but do feel nervous for the future.

I can't thank the services for families I have used so far, they have really helped me as an individual but what we probably need now is counselling as a couple if we have any hope of long term survival. I haven't found any specialist counselling services online for couples struggling with substance use. Not that we can afford anyway. There seems to be a lack of resources from services to treat the family as a whole.

I have written much more than I intended so sorry if this is a rambling post! Its felt quite good to get it out though.

I hope everyone else on here is able to access any help they need specially under current weird times.

replying to Hox

Hi Reb.

Nice to hear from you it has been a while. You don't ramble. I understand everything that you have written, we have been through so much with the dreaded stuff. We have all poured our hearts out on here.

I hope all goes well for you.

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