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Am I over-reacting to recreational coke use?

I met my partner 5 years ago volunteering at a centre for people sruggling with addiction. He had had 'past' issues with heroin, crack and had been through rehab and was 'in recovery' but still using the odd line of coke on a night out. Naive or not I didnt have an issue with it as I have used drugs recreationally myself before. He has always been a kind, generous and sensitive partner, was always on time, we got on with each others kids and I always felt we had a good relationship. Over the last year he has started spending more and more time in the pub (with others who use coke). Is often back hours later than agreed (he will usually keep texting to let me know hes gonna be bit longer but always tells me initially he will b 1 hour n then its usually at least 3-4). He spends most of the weekend in the day either asleep or zoned out watching tv and has little interest in doing anything other than ' nipping' to the pub (which is never 1 quick drink anymore). We share a car n he always takes it n im sure hes driving back over the limit evem though he says hes only had 2) n now since we been arguing about it will end up leaving it at the pub without thinking if I might need it or want to use it.

In spite of it all Its the constant lateness that upsets me the most n this is what we keep arguing over. Usually he is back before 12:00pm at night n he says Im overreacting because at least he comes home. But he will ofyen hav been there since 1:00 in the afternoon which means we dont have what id consider quality time at weekends.

Hes also told me he is struggling to cope at work and wants to quit his job.

I know other people probably have worse issues but its making me feel really low.

What does anyone think?

replying to REB

You are not over reacting as it is now becoming more than recreational use for him. This is our worst issue and is as important as everyone else's.

Do you think that coke is the root of the problem because it is for me.

My husband is the same. We have never held each other to times but when he says he's going out for a couple of hours I expect him to be later, but not ten to fifteen hours later. He used to be back at at a sensible time when he was his normal self.

Twelve months ago he told me he was going to start staying in as he was wasting his weekends being hungover and not enjoying time with me. Which he was regretting. This was when he was on the one or two lines a year. He tried for a couple of months then started going out three times a week and not coming home. Six months later he had his personality change. He's still on the three night week, how many lines of coke I don't know. He has also driven home under the influence. Sleeps for a few hours when he returns and is then violently sick for the rest of the day. He also zones out watching the tv. Nothing is of interest he won't even look after his dogs. That's how bad he is. He doesn't care one bit about anything other than 'popping out' to see his like minded friends and family, leaving me feeling like what the hell has happened to our wonderful, happy life.

I'm feeling low too, I understand far too well.

I feel like I need to try snorting a line so that I can forget my life and responsibilities and not give a hoot about anything and anyone. At least I'd be off my head and out of this misery.

replying to REB

Im so sorry you have got to feeling like this. Its the lack of responsibility which angers me the most n Im determind not to take too much on on his behalf. Im lucky I guess as we dont have children together. My sons older n left home n my partners children live in another city so are reasonablity protected. I guess im coping by trying to do other things with friends, getting on with work n not depending on him to make me happy all the time but its easier said than done. Ironically I used to support family members of people with drug issues but its much easier giving out advice to others than acting on it yourself. X

replying to REB

I get angry too. No children are involved, we wanted them but its too late now. I try not to take on too much of his responsibilities but some things he refuses to do. I call a friend nearly every night and she really helps me to cope. Because of the anxiety I can only go to work, my mums and the local shop. I keep away from people as I don't want to keep making excuses as to why he's not about, I tell them he's busy at work.

I suppose we really don't know the implications until we are faced with it ourselves. It is so sad for all involved.

replying to REB

Year. Feels like recreational use gets out of control in the end for many people. Im trying to be understanding and supportive of his underlying issues but it might come down to us wanting different lifestyles in the end. It is sad I guess. I feel philosophical today cos Im out of the house doin other things but I know I will get home later n he probably wont be in n the cycle of feeling anxiety, anger and sadness will kick in as Im wondering if he will come home on time later. I think Im going to sit down when I feel calmer and ask him to get help or to go stay elsewhere so I can get a break from worrying about where he is. Thanks for sharing how you feel with me and I hope you find a way through it x

replying to REB

Tell him pub once a month and thats it. Hes making your life hell. Or you will leave.

replying to REB

Ask yourself is this the best you deserve? Then decide.....good luck

replying to REB

recreational use is not worth the risk - it could turn into an addiction, recreational use is always how it starts and then it spirals out of control.

I would give him an ultimatum NOW before it gets to that point.

My husband is beyond this point, it started recreational and now there is no control, that stuff ruins lives, relationships, jobs - everything.

An addict cannot use recreationally..

I wish you all the best. x

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