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My husband and cocaine

Hi, my husband is a cocaine addict, I’ve been married for 10 years been together for 16 years. My husband is my best friend, a very loyal, honest and loving man before addiction took hold.

My husband was practically teetotal before trying cocaine once when he was 30, given to him by a good friend on a day to watch the football. He soon became hooked but this was kept a secret from me for 4 years. He would use when me and my children were asleep in bed. All unknown to us. His behaviour changed massively over this time, paranoia, moodiness and generally being off with us and everyone else, these were the signs, but I failed to see the cause. I often thought he was having a midlife crisis or experiencing some kind of depression.

Then the night I found out it was cocaine, was the night I was pregnant with our 5th child, he went out to buy dinner and came home intoxicated. He lied and denied everything. We had an explosive argument and shamefully I threw a cup at him. He was enraged and left!

He went to stay with a friend who doesn’t use drugs. During his period away, his behaviour become worse, he hated me, he blamed me for everything, he lost his job “that was apparently my fault” as he failed a drug test. He started trying to move on, messaging other women on Facebook, telling them we had been separated ages ago and how I was abusive and how he didn’t love me. (This man adored me, everyone said the same, he’d ring me roughly 4 times everyday just to talk to me and see how me and the children were, during the whole of our relationship).

He stole two cars belonging to relatives and drove intoxicated to pick up drugs. He was arrested for the one and charged.

He bought cocaine on the way to the cinema when he was with our children and used throughout the film, making regular trips to the bathroom. I could go on and on! despite most of these occurrences, he still didn’t think he was an addict, he thought it was probably a bit of an issue, but he definitely was not an addict! I could see the horror on his face when it was ever suggested. To him, heroin or crack users were addicts, not him. This caused me great upset, as if he wasn’t an addict, that meant these were all choices.

He went to live with his mum even further away and being so far away from us made him realise what he was missing. He got a job and trained hard at the gym, but never attended meetings. He came back and was clean for 6 months just in time for our baby to be born. He was fab with her and went back to being the fab dad to our other children that he was pre drugs. I was so happy that I felt I had the old him back.

Two weeks before Christmas he relapsed, he was given some on community services, as apparently that’s a thing, it’s a jolly boys outing for drugs. I was devastated, he didn’t come home and confess, the lies started straight away and this time he couldn’t convince me, I knew he was using.

He spent the next few weeks using and sleeping rough in our garage, as I wouldn’t let him in our house because I don’t want drugs around my children, especially now I’ve got the baby.

The bit that hurt me the most was during one of these reckless nights, he didn’t come home for me to go on my work party, I found him slumped in the pub, alone with the barmaid. He'd apparently told her she was an attractive girl! Not in a pervy way, she said it was said in a conversation, but he was also missing his wedding ring. When I asked him why, he denied everything, he said his ring was off before he went out and swore on our children’s lives. He’s not the sort of person to cheat, at all! so again it confused me.

He then confessed to saying it in hope she’d flirt back, to make him feel good about himself, as I’m always threatening him with divorce and he feels like a scum bag, at the best of times. I’ve said horrible things to him in the past, that has made him feel insecure. The once in temper I told him he wasn’t attractive to me. This was said in anger because he was behaving appallingly, but it seemed to stay in his head.

He still swore he would never cheat though and that he loves me more than anything. I think he’s doing this because he knows with me now, he can no longer hide his addiction, I will eventually leave him and he’s putting feelers out for moving on. However, he says you don’t think like that when you’re on drugs, there’s no logic behind it, or thinking of moving on. You just act out on what you’re thinking at the time, every time you feel differently.

It’s all still so confusing for me. I just wish he’d go back to the man he was before. It’s so horrible to see someone you love, go on self destruct and there’s nothing you can do for them.

replying to B8988

Simular story to me. But im the user, well 2 weeks soba so far. I did the cinema thing im ashamed to say. Your husband is an addict. I never thought i was but i am. If you have it for more than 6 months than you are you have planted the seed as they say. Whats the situation now? Do you still want be with him? Does he want to quit?

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replying to B8988

Hi yes I love him more than anything and I know he does me. It’s just I don’t understand it, he says when you get the thought in your head to use, you can’t stop from using even though you don’t want to, your brain makes you think you do. He says you kid yourself too thinking 2 lines will be ok, but it never is, then you kick yourself when you’ve used but then you’re feeling anxious and need alcohol to calm you down or more coke. It’s a big cycle really. He says if he feels stressed or bad on a come down he will use again and if he’s bored. He needs to go to meetings.

Our relationship was perfect we never fought once, never had any trust issues, but the drug has made our relationship toxic, he was accusing me of having affairs when I’d never dream of such a thing. In my temper I told him he wasn’t that attractive to me, as he hounded me for 10 months about the fact that I’d slept with other men before I met him. This was never a problem for 14 years, then suddenly it was. I got fed up of the abuse, not realising at the time it was down to drugs.

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replying to B8988

I’m paranoid now he will end up cheating on me, as his head gets so mashed up. Think he’s suffering from low self esteem and wanted an ego boost. He said in his head it’s only a matter of time before I leave him and take the kids, then he’ll have nothing. But I try and be supportive but I can’t stand him still lying to my face, even now. Why can’t he just admit he’s used when he has?

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replying to B8988

Honestly its same what i do. But ive learned now how to avoid these trigger points. He needs to start planning ahead for his next relapse. He needs delete all his mates nums and dealers out his phone. He needs take up a hobbie and play the tape through.. basically imagine what will it be like if he picks up tonight , does he really want to feel shitty and down after it. Does he want to quit?

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replying to B8988

He says he wants to but never learned the techniques to say no, he’s living with his mum now 3 hours away from us, as social services got involved as i phoned the police on him one night after we were arguing as I can’t cope with him when he goes off on these week long self destruct benders.

He says whilst he’s there he’s going to go to loads of different meetings to kick it once and for all but it will be years before I ever fully relax.

Can I ask you, could you cheat on coke? I know it makes you horny but he says no you still know what you’re doing. But if you do know what you’re doing why would he tell the barmaid she was attractive? He said you just chat shit and stuff you say doesn’t have to be a reason for it. He says I’m always thinking stuff he’s said and done is from a logical point of view and he said it’s not, everything is distorted and messed up!

replying to B8988

Same thing here, fourteen wonderful years of marriage and not a cross word. A perfect marriage for both of us. Then came the coke. It has destroyed my life. It hasn't destroyed his though as he is a different person. He hasn't got a problem. Sometimes I think that he has blanked out all of these happy years. He has no emotions. I love my husband but this thing he has become I am coming to hate. I too hope my husband returns to being the loving man he used to be.

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replying to B8988

Hi, well last February my husband was literally a monster, I didn’t recognise him at all, the way he would speak to me and make me cry, my lovely husband wouldn’t do this. He left me and his kids New Year’s Eve 2017 just ran out and tried to score drugs although I was unaware of that at the time, I thought he’d just become a horrible, vile person. It all makes sense now. He was so far away from the person he was. If I was ever upset my husband would cry because I was upset before drugs.

Then when I caught him using in our house in Feb with our kids in the house and lied to my face, I shamefully admit I threw a glass at him, I blame pregnancy hormones. He then went on a week long rampage, that’s when he started adding loads of women on fb telling them we’d been spilt for ages. He told everyone I was abusive and he wasn’t willing to put up with it, not mentioning the drugs, so I outed him! To everyone. This made him furious! He literally hated me that week! I cried all the time, my pregnancy was ruined then when he stopped taking drugs for a bit he realised what he had done and was really upset he said he loved me more than anything but drugs had made him hate everyone and everything.

He also got like depression in between using, he said he didn’t feel love towards me or the kids or anything. He just felt numb. He said if his dad died at the time he wouldn’t have been bothered.

Try not to take it personally, I’m sure he does love you really, it’s just coke is a mind altering drug, until he’s off it not much can be done. That’s the most heartbreaking thing. Plus I want my husband to come back to normal so bad, I’ve learned that if I set boundaries but am nice to him and try to understand he opens up more. When I used to think what he was doing was a choice I’d fight with him, which made it all 10 times worse. I tell him that I love him and when he’s clean we will be here for him. Although I’m not sure when that will be!

replying to B8988

If I was upset or cried my husband would cry with me. Before the coke took hold. There is no love towards me he feels like a different person. Like you say if his dad died he would have no emotion now.

I have stopped getting angry with him and try to be what was my normal self its hard work when all I want to do is rip his head off. Hopefully he will realise that coke is the problem. It has definitely altered his mind.

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replying to B8988

Literally you need to remind him of the man he used to be or rather what he could be like again in the future. Trouble is it depends where he is in the cycle. When my husband was deep in it last year I’d pour my heart out in messages and say people don’t know how I’m coping and he’d reply with “you deserve a medal” he was disgusting! He just seen me as some naggy wife who was ruining his life, if your husband is at that point there is no more you can do for him until he either has a period when he’s not using so much ( brain levels may return to somewhat normal) or he realises that he’s more miserable on the drugs then off! Xx

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