: Share Your Story

Discuss what it's really like with your peers

replying to georgia26

Thanks Hun,

I’ve just been looking at everyone else’s posts since I’ve been inactive and it’s awful! I remember being exactly the same, trying to hunt for clues that they are using, wondering why they were acting the way they were, why they wouldn’t stop! Now it’s kind of laughable, as you can’t and won’t ever be able to understand something that’s not logical! It’s all madness! It’s not until you step outside you’ll realise how ill you become by trying to second guess their every move!

You have to actively seek help for yourself to begin to heal though.

I hope you are good too Georgia. Xx

1 reply

replying to B8988

Hello All.

I look at peoples posts and think we were there not long ago. Looking for answers, trying to get our heads round what was happening in our once happy lives.

'Husband' is now detained at HMP.

1 reply

replying to Hox

Mad part is if my husband relapses I don’t doubt that I’ll go back to acting as desperate as I was before. That’s why it’s important for me to keep attending meetings, just as it is for them, otherwise we slip back into our old habits too.

Maybe whilst your husband is away he might come to his senses. You never know a period without drugs may have brought some of the old him back.

replying to B8988

I'm glad you are getting something positive out of your meetings. I have been to the docs and got anti depressants they are helping and I'm going to CBT therapy in a few weeks time. This addiction affects us all.

I was hoping he would return to his old self but it hasn't happened. He was actually using up until he was imprisoned.

2 replies

replying to B8988

I have a husband who also adores me and most of the time life is great but every few months he disappears to a hotel and goes on a binge for several days. I have no idea where he is and the whole scenario makes me a nervous wreck worrying that he will have a heart attack or run into problems. He thinks what he does is perfectly normal and acceptable. I am a nurse and am fully aware of what could happen to him. And I am also very open minded but cannot and will not condone this behaviour. I have had 13 years of this and the minute I go away he does this as well. I have called help lines who confirm he has an addiction even though it is not on a frequent basis. He also saw a counsellor who obviously took my side. I also went to families anonymous which just confirmed it is him at fault and not me. Any suggestions anybody? I have nobody to turn to and have elderly parents who I do not want to worry. Am seriously thinking leaving him now as it is affecting my health. He has no intention of stopping and says I have a mental blockage?

1 reply

replying to B8988

Hi Vanilla

i wish i had more positive suggestions for you - unless he sees this as a problem and admits he has an addiction, there is literally nothing you can do. It takes them to hit rock bottom to admit they need help.

I think youve tried everything by the sounds of it.

you really cant control his addiction -i thought i could and honestly youll just make yourself ill and sick with worry.

I know its hard but I really think if he isnt willing to seek help and is still blinded by his addiction you should just leave, especially if its making you ill!

I feel for you, as i know the feeling, my other half used to go missing as soon as he got the chance.. the feeling it leaves you with is horrible isn't it, the anxiety i built up over time used to make me feel physically sick.. if he didnt answer his phone i used to go into panic mode, its no way to live...

honestly, take some time out and do you for a while - if he wants to change and shows signs of commitment to change then maybe reconsider but all the time hes doing this and hes not getting help i would leave, do you have ties? mortgage? kids? its like you lose the person you love isnt it... i HATE the stuff and what it does to people x

replying to Vanilla

Hi there, as Georgia has said until he comes to the decision that he wants to stop ultimately this will continue to be your life.

See I was the other way, I’ve always been anti drugs so the minute I knew my husband was using, I’d throw him out, he’d promise to stop, he would for a short time, then start again then I’d throw him out again! Nightmare of a merry go round that never ends.

My story come to a head because his usage upped, his mood became erratic and honestly vile! So I outed him and we both nearly lost everything, but I knew I couldn’t continue. Looking back now, I should have walked away calmly but it’s not that easy when the person you love becomes a monster who lies constantly to your face and won’t stop no matter what you threaten.

Be warned though, my life got worse the minute my husband admitted he was an addict, or at least he had a problem, ( don’t think he ever fully admitted to himself he was an addict) as then they go on to act as recklessly as they want because “ now they’ve got a problem” it’s almost like now you know it excuses the behaviour. My husband before I knew about his cocaine use would never just disappear or turn his phone off, he had no reason to. The minute I knew, that’s when they cut contact as they know they are gonna be in trouble, they know you’re gonna try and talk them into stopping or coming home. They then see us as nags! It’s not really them at this point, it’s the addict.

That’s why if you look a lot of the men on these posts they try and move on or start associating with new friends, they’d never do this normally, but now YOU are the enemy! and these new friends are there to make them feel better about what they are doing!

Basically if you aren’t happy, do something about it! But don’t get caught up like I did of letting him back, then doing it all again. Stick to your guns, if you leave don’t let him

Back until you know he’s 100% serious about stopping for good. You’ll know. He might choose to be single, but it won’t be long before it all comes crashing down. Nothing good ever comes out of drug use. Xx

1 reply

replying to georgia26

Hi Georgia

I know what you mean about the anxiety, it’s awful! My husband text me the other day to say he had to stay late at work, then again to say that he’d be even later, I immediately felt sick to my stomach that he might be lying and dreading if he’d relapsed! But I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I drove to pick him up and there he was still loading the van. I was so relieved, but I realised how awful it is even now, still on edge.

My marriage counsellor said when people experience trauma they seek reassurance that the trauma won’t happen again. So anything that comes up that might threaten our security sends a panic signal. Our body can’t tell real panic from false, but the longer we go without that trauma happening again the less we get startled. I’m gonna try and practise headspace meditation. I need to remember to focus on me. Like they need to continue to see cocaine as being bad, we need to continue to focus on us, and practise self love.

It’s so bloody hard though, isn’t it? X

1 reply

replying to B8988

i can feel it now - even when i think about it, it makes me feel sick? yes i had this before in counselling they said it was 'fight of flight mode' .. i get it now too, he said about his work Xmas party the other day staying overnight somewhere, usually i would be fine but i know one of his work colleagues sniffs coke so it made me feel anxious.

I get worried he will do it and we will be back to square one, i think he feels like im being controlling but im not, its just my own anxieties. I need to relax a bit - but it seems like when i relax and feel good it comes crashing down on me so im scared to let the barriers down.

I hope youre well though? im glad it wasn't a relapse.. i really hope things start going well for you - you deserve it!!

its SO hard... i am getting better though - my mind was obsessive with it, it was making me ill, i wont allow that again though, this is the last chance though.

Vanilla - my advice would be to take time out and step out of the situation because honestly unless he wants to stop he wont and you'll be left picking up the pieces.

replying to georgia26

Me neither, if he does it again I’ll move on myself. I do feel sorry for him, but ultimately you only get one life and I do feel like I’ve spent such a big portion of it like you “obsessing and being miserable” over someone else’s drug habit!

Fingers crossed for us both now, it’s such a wasted life! I do hope they manage to stay clean!

I literally despise the stuff! Xx

Access to this forum has been temporarily disabled for all users. If you are looking for immediate support, you can call the Samaritans on 116 123.

We have temporarily closed this forum for maintenance and review.

Adfam exists to provide support for, and improve the lives of, families affected by substance use, and we have found that in recent months the balance of posts has shifted to focus on users’ personal issues with substances and addiction. While we recognise that these are issues that deserve support, the high volume of posts had become unmanageable for our small team, and was preventing us from facilitating support for families. We have closed the forum to re-evaluate, and we will be re-launching as soon as possible with a renewed focus on family support. From that point on, we will not be facilitating any conversation regarding individuals’ own substance use.

If you are looking for support for your own substance use, there are other community-based forums online, such as at www.reddit.com/r/drugs and www.reddit.com/r/alcohol.

If you are affected by a loved one’s drug or alcohol use, and you are looking for support, you can find local services and recommended helplines on our Search for local support page.

If you have any queries, comments, or suggestions for our relaunched forum please do get in touch: forum@admin.org.uk