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replying to B8988

Hi I’ve been with my husband 29 years we got married at the age of 17 he was 18 we had are first baby straight away unfortunately he was born sleeping my husband looked after me better than anybody could we went on to have 4 daughters after and we both adore are girls and go to are sons grave lots

7 years ago my husband started using cocaine I didn’t find this out until 6 months ago I had a feeling but didn’t believe it was drugs that was making him annoying he would act childish spiteful didn’t do anything with any of the family days he wouldn’t eat nights he didn’t sleep he done everything he could to stay out of are way if I was indoors he would be out if I said let’s go for a meal he would make up excuses to why he can’t go

I really thought he had depression it took about 2 years for me to get him to see his gp he did come home with antidepressants but after months there was no change

My daughter got married at her wedding he was like something out of a horror film his mother told me she had to leave the wedding because she couldn’t watch her son any longer he was saying inappropriate things to other women she told me I was angry with him from that morning every thing was going wrong my daughter was in tears and my husband went of down the town to buy himself a meal

The next day after the wedding on my phone was photos and videos of the wedding I was going through them I came across a video where he was saying to a woman he would love to ravish her and rub his body all over her I was and still am disgusted with that Visio he said he was just enjoying him self and didn’t mean anything by it

I then found out I could do a hair drug test he did refuse at first but then said he would do it he later told me when I got the results he didn’t believe it was a real test it was real

Ever since he has been on and of drugs he will do 2 days on 2 days off it’s that bad the longest has been 13 day then he done it for 4 days

I just don’t no what to do any more any advice would be appreciated thanks sorry if I don’t make sense

2 replies

replying to B8988

I can’t believe how many families are going through the same thing I feel for you all and hope everyone’s life gets better ASAP

It’s the lies that’s killing me

I actually feel like I’m living with a stranger that thinks I just like to moan

My husband has told me more than once I just like the attention of him being on cocaine

I definitely don’t get attention from him or anyone because no1 other than me knows he is addicted to drugs I do the strip tests on him regularly and he fails all the time and if he gets a clean test he says see you can trust me he has had about 6 clean tests and more than 60 not clean

I try talking to him he won’t talk he says I can’t be bothered with the arguments I’ve asked why he started taking drugs he said he don’t no must be temptation he never gives me a straight answer to anything I ask

I’ve been told cocaine and cheating comes hand in hand I’ve asked him has he cheated he said no so I asked him to do a lie detector he refused so I said I can’t stay with you until I no the truth he said he will do one now I’m scared of what I might find out from it he’s hurt me so much it’s making me ill he was once a brilliant husband and father and now to make everything worse we have 3 beautiful grandchildren but they have never seen the real him heart breaking to think this is how it’s all turned out

God bless all you beautiful people

1 reply

replying to Team

No amount of talking, arguing, testing or lie detecting will stop him from using cocaine. Only he can stop and he won't because he doesn't think he has a problem. You do.

What's worse is they believe their own lies and will manipulate any situation.

We would all love our husbands to return to the men they were and not this substitute we are left with. You cannot help until he wants it.

Try to look after yourself and your family through all this. I know its hard but your health has to be looked after too. Keep strong.

1 reply

replying to Team

Hi Team.

Firstly Hox is right. You need to decide firstly if you can carry on living like this. I couldn’t and by reading your post, I can see that you certainly don’t seem to be happy. Are you prepared to carry on with the way things are now?

I told everyone, I did it out of spite, I outed my husband and told everyone or anyone who would listen about all of his behaviours. This was probably not the way to go, I didn’t do it for the right reason, I did it because everything was crazy and I couldn’t control the situation, I wanted him to stop! To wake up and see sense and go back to being the loving, family man he was before. Now I know that was my issue, not his! I had become so codependent I didn’t even realise what I had become. In my head my husband was to blame for everything. I like you bought the tests, we’d argue, he’d lie etc etc.

This is not normal behaviour. I used to obsess weather my husband had cheated whilst high, it used to control my every thought. My husband was selfish and sort attention off women, but he never said anything sexual to anyone, it was almost like he was seeking comfort elsewhere, in a way that kind of made it worse. Now I know that’s just because the drugs made him see me as a nag, he wasn’t ready to tackle his addiction and he’d rather have left me whist he was in deep addiction, than to fight to do what was right. In his head, he didn’t think any of what he did was wrong!

The drug completely changes people, whilst your husband is an addict I wouldn’t trust him not to lie, cheat, steal etc. because when it comes down to it, their addiction comes first. They have almost been hijacked, so stop taking it so personally, I know it’s awfully hard not to.

I can only advise from my perspective now, I choose to not be in a relationship with an addict. If my husband relapsed, I would make him leave. No one is worth making you ill for. Maybe that would be the kick he needs to change, but don’t do it for that reason. Do it for yourself.

I bet you’ve neglected yourself whilst you’ve become so entangled with your husband that you’ve lost your identity, I know I did! People told me to concentrate on me, I didn’t even know what they meant. Without my husband and his problems I felt completely lost. But I sought help, I hated the way I felt and how bad my life had become. I decided not to live like it anymore. Go to al anon and Stick with it, it seems odd at first and complete nonsense but it does work.

Have faith that everything will be ok in the end, no matter what happens. But remember, if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.

Hugs xx

1 reply

replying to Hox

My life is at a stand still I don’t go out with friends or family I’m at home if I’m not at work I cannot do anything with out the worry of what he is doing if he goes for a shower I’m at the door listening what’s going on I hate the person I’ve turned into I no I have to change but I’m so lost right now thanks for reply and advice x

1 reply

replying to B8988

I don’t want to leave my husband but I don’t want to live this way anymore I don’t think I can do it much longer I have told him I’ll leave all he ever says is he will stop but he don’t

My dad was in hospital for weeks he has a life saving opp at Christmas we nearly lost my dad he did not in anyway support me my family all had there partners with them waiting for news while I sat on my own he did not even call to see if my dad made it or not the opp took over 12 hours thank god my dad made it but I just wanted someone well my husband to be there for me but he wasn’t

I feel like I’m beginning to hate the person he is

I no you are totally right it’s time to get a grip of my life my problem is where do I start what do I do next have never been on my own my perants looked after me all my life till age of 17 when I got married 29 years on and I’m now stuck and hate my life well I don’t have a life anymore thank you for reply just sending the messages I done is making things look so different as I’ve never had anyone to talk to x

1 reply

replying to Team

We understand, we have been there.

I have isolated myself too. I'm lost without my other half. I was the same listening into conversations on the phone, something I had never done before. Constantly worrying. Problem is they are not concerned about us worrying. Cocaine comes first I'm afraid.

My life was at a stand still, I'm now on anti depressants and have CBT and hopefully this will help me get myself right.

1 reply

replying to Team

Any time. I’m the same I was a proper mummy and daddy’s girl, then met my husband at 17 and moved in with him at 18. I’d never been alone either. But do you know what, it’s the unknown that’s scary, it’s amazing how you get used to being on your own eventually. I hated putting the bins out in the beginning etc, because they’d always been jobs my husband did, but I surprised myself, I even googled how to fix my car and went to buy the bits to do it. So I’m a way it shows you how strong you can be if you’re forced to be.

I like you hated my husband. Now my life is becoming nice again. Although it is a long road to recovery for both. I always believe if it’s meant to be it will be. If you follow through and leave him, or make him leave you leave the ball in his court. You will see what he really wants. It might get worse before it gets better.

You never know, I was reluctant to let my husband come back, because I’d finally restored calm. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and so far, so good. I stopped hiding my bank card or car keys and stopped following him because that’s not keeping the focus on me and if he is going to do drugs, he will do them regardless of me suffocating him. This way I am giving him the chance to make his own decisions, however if he makes a wrong one he knows know he will live by the consequences. Xx

1 reply

replying to Hox

It feels so wrong doing all the things I’m doing I just feel if I do nothing I’m falling my family and my husband

It’s the worry of what’s next I think that is hurting so much the last thing I want to do is find him dead

I no he don’t care what way I feel I no that’s because of the drug I just can’t help but take it to heart

I to am on antidepressants and have been for a long time now I just feel lost and lonely I’m not happy and I’m scared to feel any happiness just to be floored again and again it’s hard thank you very much x

1 reply

replying to B8988

It really is the unknown that’s scary I think your amazing for helping yourself

Putting the bins out was the only job my husband had to do at home and now I find I’m doing it because he can’t be bothered to move out of his chair I will have to try to be more stronger than I am

If one of us leave I just have that feeling he will not stop till he dies and I think that very thought is making me weak and won’t let me do the right thing

Hope you don’t mind me asking but how long was yous apart before your husband got clean

My husband is not violent in any way I think if he was that would change me very fast

But he is spiteful in the things he says

He swore that i die with cancer he would never do drugs again 13 days later he was full swing back on it he has swore on are sons grave he lied the things he swears on hurt terrible the cancer one hurt because I have my dad and my only brother fighting cancer and my sons grave was just heartbreaking to hear the more I say don’t swear the more he dose

I wish I could have noticed the signs years ago but but I didn’t I don’t no if that’s because I have never known anyone on drugs or I just never thought my husband would ever do anything like that he has never been a drinker if he has a beer he never finishes it he just don’t like alcohol thank god thank you very much xx

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