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I’ve left my husband

Well if you’ve read some of my other posts you’ll notice my husband is a cocaine addict. I’ve tried countlessly to help him, he agrees at times he has a problem and says the brain tricks you into thinking it will be ok. He has had to move 3 hours away from us because his drug use and behaviour was so bad over Christmas social services got involved.

I made the decision he should go and live with his mum 3 hours away to get help down there, away from us. He was addending nearly daily n.a meetings for the first week then started work Monday this week. The meetings over the last week reduced, when I was sending him info on apps that are supposed to be good at stopping useage etc, he didn’t bother to look at them.

Then last night when he was texting me his texts weren’t making sense, I asked him to send me a photo of his eyes and his pupils were huge! He denied profoundly searing on our kids lives he hadn’t touched anything and saying he wouldn’t lie to me as this time is was going to be different. Well he was supposed to be at work at 8 but I found on his YouTube history he was up til 4am watching music videos. I confronted him this morning and he said he’d taken 2 pills. I was livid!!! He could be lying and it could still be coke, but if he’s not why the hell would you take pills? That is not sounding like someone who wants to change their life and wants to do all he can to get back to his family, is it? So I’ve ended the relationship, I’ve gone above and beyond for that man! His behaviour now is so unpredictable, he’s only been down there a week and has already found means of getting whatever it is he actually took, so he’s gone out there looking hasn’t he?

I can’t do it anymore, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help can you? I don’t know how I even feel anymore. Ages ago I’d have threatened it to see if he’d beg me to come back now I don’t want him to! I feel that he’s an idiot who can’t be saved! He’s missing out on life, he’s not gonna see his kids grow up and we have a 3 month old baby that’s not gonna know her dad. How can a doting father now become just a shell of a man? He literally has nothing about him anymore!

replying to B8988

Hi

I am new to the site but we have spoken over the last week and I have read through your posts.

I am sorry this has happened! Why oh why do they do this. He was in a perfect position away from temptation but I can tell you they will get what they want anywhere, they JUST know who to ask it’s inbuilt in them!

You are doing the right thing, may not seem like it at the moment but just like me you have done everything you possibly could but it’s like banging your head against a brick wall and unless they truly want to stop there is nothing we can do.

I dint have children and I am struggling so god only knows how you feel.

Be strong and just know none of it’s your fault!

I am still in the stage of thinking it’s my fault but that will change in time, we are good at giving advice to others but not taking my own.

Not sure how feasible it is to have no contact because if the children but you could go through a family member for contact access and give yourself some time out from him.

Sending hugs.xx

replying to B8988

He hasn’t bothered really about the children in the two weeks he was away apart from asking me each morning if they are ok, no asking to talk to them or anything so on reflection now that was weird in itself.

He’s got a weird obsession about me moving on with anyone else, but not obviously that much that it makes him driven to do anything about it.

I know if I stay with him this will keep happening, the fear of him getting worse or meeting someone else and stopping drugs used to scare me into staying. But in reality I know that if the old him did come back, he’d want to be with me and his kids more than anything. This new imposter doesn’t. I can’t wait round for one fine day that something clicks in his brain to change. I don’t know if he doesn’t want to or genuinely can’t!

I went to a support meeting the other night and I’m worried in case I’m his safety blanket, by me always being there for him, I’m never giving him any reason to want to change.

It’s hard, but I feel ok-ish, I’m expecting bad days but I must keep reminding myself that I’m never going to have a happy life if it stays the way it is at the minute.

replying to B8988

That’s what I worry about he will stop and meet someone and they will get the good guy and I will be in pieces as what was the reason for the last 2 years if hell!

He was the same with me, put me on a pedestal but this coke crap as made him has me and blame me for everything.

It’s going to be hard but you are correct you are never going to be happy in this insane life that’s happening at the moment.

As long as they think we will always let them back they have no valid reason to stop.

Mine is different now as he left me, he has decided that he can’t get clean with me in his life as he will use if with me, he said he can’t handle the guilt and looks for excuses (that was a come down day) other days he says he was not happy and hated our life.

If you haven’t done this before and he really thinks you will not have him back you never know that could be his rock bottom!

See what the next few days bring..x

replying to B8988

Yes Hun, thanks. Oh my husband tried using that one too. Apparently it’s a common tactic to say they don’t love us and they feel their marriage is over. The real reason is the drugs have practically destroyed the relationship anyway. Plus it’s far easier to walk away than to have to deal with fighting a huge addiction.

I try not to take it personally as I know the real him loves me lots. But I haven’t seen that person for a long time, if I’m lucky I get a glimmer of hope as he’s nice sometimes and I see him the real him, but it’s short lived and the cycle of destruction continues. In fact it’s quite cruel as if they were awful all the time it would make it easier to walk away xx

replying to B8988

Hi babe! I’m so sorry to hear this but sadly not surprised ☹️ My ex husband is exactly the same. I don’t recognise him either. As you know he hid 6/7 years of cocaine abuse from me. He is now living the life of Riley in his flat coming and going as he chooses popping in to see us (2 minutes down the road) when he feels like it as he knows that I always let the boys see him if they want to which they always do.

I have been really sad today as I don’t know why but I just had this gut feeling he had met somebody else. I am usually right about these things, and like you guys feel upset that they may just turn it around for them, I feel utterly used. He also gives mixed messages for example on Thursday saying he would do all this stuff for me but he hasn’t even contacted the kids until this evening (they ignored him which did make me smile) My friends made me do the flatpack myself last night though so I feel really proud of myself! I’m glad they made me do that. They know what is best for me and know me too well that secretly I want him to want to help me, but it’s probably just to assuage his guilt!

They make such fools out of us! None of our friends or even acquaintances understand it, they all say he was punching abound his weight with me, and I do try and look after myself unlike him, but it really seems that it has nothing to do with what we look like. I imagine whoever he is with will be younger and into drugs. I can’t see how a normal woman would be sucjered in but he has this old free spirit surfer dude vibe going on, but do you know the irony of that, it was me who taught him to surf! Me who taught him to snowboard and me who was the free spirit! But of course when kids come along your priorities change and I think he just couldn’t hack it.

I hope you are both ok. It means so much talking on here as nobody else understands what it’s like and don’t understand why I am so upset and can’t move on. I think I put him on a pedestal he clearly didn’t deserve.

Imagine if we announced we were planning a bender! ???????? I’m tempted to be really naughty and tell him I am and see how he likes it! He didn’t like it when I went to Dublin on my own the beginning of the month, and promptly booked a trip to Amsterdam as he couldn’t have me “trumping him” his exact words! Xx

replying to B8988

Hi

Sorry your having a sad day, tomorrow will be better!

I have been packing today as I move next weekend just me and the dog into a nice cottage so hoping that helps, no memories.

Been a crap today for me aswell today.

It’s just all the lies and manipulation isn’t it? As I said I don’t have kids so god knows how you are coping!

Well done for doing the flat pack yourself!!! Another thing you don’t need him for and each day you will realise more and more than hat you can do no matter how small.

My mind just does not switch off. He had been gone awhile now but even tonight I am looking at his old phone bills and bank statements and putting them against txt and photos trying to work out if he was doing it on certain days etc, WHY it’s not doing me any good just making me nuts????

For him to have no contact this long I also think he is with someone else and like you it will be someone younger who takes drugs, no other “normal woman” would want him!

I know what you mean, everything and I mean everything he has achieved or learnt has been because of me, even down to food and wine and I can imagine him with someone telling them the vintage of a wine etc and it pisses me off!!

Below is one of the last txt he sent me, the next day he rang and called me a c**t and wanted a divorce it’s so weird! James is my brother and Isabella my niece just to explain the txt

Your right!

Your an amazing woman!

You just out grown me!

As much as I say you hurt me I loved so much more about you!

Your the best thing that ever happened to me!

As confidence I say you took from me you give me more other ways!

I know 100% I would not have achieved whatI have without you!

I am wrong for al the things I have been saying I let you down.

Sorry for ruining everything and for everything I have put you through!

You were my everything and I let you down and give up!

I thank you so much for looking after me! Everything you hate I become. Sorry for your letting you down !

Your the best and will never forget my Elaine

Sorry for everything baby x

Run as far away from me as I will drag you down !

I have said things about James but only out of anger! You always said I reminded you of James but you were wrong!!! He is 10 of me! Please tell James I am sorry for letting him down! We were never to close but I genuinely thought a lot of him. Some times wish we spoke more.

Last thing!

Tell Izzy to remember Shannon and not this thing I turned into! She’s amazing! Light of our life

You need anything and I mean anything you ring

Xxxx

replying to B8988

Just thought on your not supposed to use names are you? Must remember that next time

1 reply

replying to B8988

Not been on for a while. Ive been mad busy decorating. But i hope your alright b8988. Do you have a name because you sound like a droid out of star wars lol.. anyway do whats best for you and your kids. The kids should always come 1st. And your health. He obviously doesnt want to stop. And youve tried your best.

replying to Danman83

Hi haha yes I do have a name, don’t think you’re supposed to use real names though.

I feel ok, my husband text me today saying whatever happens now he loves me and the kids more than anything but he can’t go on like this anymore. I have learnt that I can’t allow myself to rescue him. Obviously I’m worried incase he’s being serious but could be manipulation. I text back “ well only you can change your life, if you want to” ...... I know this time I have to keep to it as it just keeps happening every time I try to rescue him.

Do you think it’s a case of not wanting to change or not being able to? Why the hell would he take pills alone in his mums house. His behaviour over the last few years has got progressively worse, he’s so reckless now. He used to be just like you Danman83, but since he lost his job he has to go to more extreme lengths to get it etc. Then he’s done more bad stuff when high, so then uses to block out bad feelings, or so he says. I don’t believe a word he says anymore, that’s the trouble.

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