I've never really fit in, I've always felt different, a drifter who floats from one temporary friend or group to the other, I've always struggled socially, nerves, low self esteem, no real confidence or self belief, I don't truly know why, maybe it was my upbringing which of course was troubled or maybe I would have been like I am regardless, I have no memory, no organisational skills, and despite being what I myself judge to be good with the written word I struggle to express myself verbally in almost every social situation.
my inability to concentrate and organise myself properly has had a knock on effect throughout my entire life, I have struggled to keep jobs, friends, partners, contact with my own daughter, all of which just serves to keep my negative self image even more negative. Drugs gave me a new lease of life, they temporarily made me confident and chatty and they made me forget my flaws and struggle to find peace, so I fell in with crowds where drug use was the theme, we all loved and laughed and forgot together, fake friends of course and fake happiness which eventually became real sadness as after years of doing this on and off I at some point realised that I had become unable to live a life that didn't involve drugs.
I realised that drugs had in fact taken years away where I could have possibly been finding my place in the world, they had taken people away they had taken a part of me away and I suddenly hated them. I found love and the drugs for a short time took a back seat, yet as time went on they always found a way back into my life, and the woman I had fallen in love with had no time for them, I betrayed her trust time and time again, relapsing when things were going so well, she stuck by my side, her love for me strong but I watched as I slowly pushed her away whilst hating myself for every relapse.
with her help and guidance I landed a great job with good pay and I also went to college to train as an electrician, she gave me two children who I loved dearly yet despite having every reason to stay away from drugs I still relapsed, letting them at times effect my job, my college, my relationship, I wanted desperately to be free from my addiction yet a part of me kept making the same mistake, by now the temporary confidence and happiness drugs once gave me had gone, i was getting high but feeling empty, feeling guilty, feeling ashamed, yet I still kept making the same mistake, how do i change when I'm too scatty to keep an appointment for councilling, how do i change when a part of me is so hell bent on destroying myself, so without morals, so selfish that it justifies betraying a women who loves me and sticks by my side, I want to love her back I want to see my children grow up, I want to find my place in the world, I want to feel at peace with myself. I so desperately want help before it's too late, before I end up lonely without my amazing partner and family, before I end up dead.. I'm 34 i should have a long life ahead of me, I should be able to live without this addiction, I wish drugs didn't exist, I wish I had never said yes, i wish I had listened when people said say no to drugs but that's not cool at the time is it, it's not fun, it's not the social acceptance I longed for or the confidence I wanted, so I made a mistake, I said yes all those years ago and I've battled ever since, it's easy to justify it by saying it's ok I'm not a heroin addict or a crack head but cocaine is every bit as bad, all drugs are, and when they grip you they never truly let go, please if you're reading this be confident enough and strong enough to say no, it will probably save your life, we get one life and life is for finding joy in beautiful people, beautiful places and amazing experiences , drugs make you feel good for a few nights but they make you feel empty and lost and full of regret for the rest of your life.. they take away your ability to feel joy or experience the beautiful moments in life, life's a gift every moment should be treasured, not wasted away while you watch addiction take away your soul. If one person reads this and decides upon a life without drugs then fantastic, because they really aren't worth it, they take away everything good and leave only bad xx