I am just in a mess. Lay on the bed after throwing up, hardly eaten and drained by my own doing.
I am so weak and I wish I was stronger, I am tired. I hate opiates, but I love the numbness. I love not feeling the anxiety that plagues me day in and day out.
10 years ago I had a addiction to oxycodone after surgery. I went cold turkey and came off it. It was hell and I never wanted opiates again.
Then this year I had a beautiful little boy, I was told I wouldn’t have children from the damage from surgery 10 years precious. He. had septacemia and respiratory failure at birth. I had a vision of prolonged breast feeding and then my health declined, and I had to stop at 11 weeks; I felt like I failed. (I would never see anyone else as a failure, just me). Then nobody would listen to me about my son not being well, they said his weight was good and that he would smile when out. Behind closed doors he wouldn’t sleep and screamed for 5 months. Until he lost blood in his nappies and ended up in hospital. He had been suffering with severe allergies that had been missed, I let him down.
He settled, but we have to be careful and we are waiting to see if these are lifelong or life damaging.
In that time, my arthritis flared up and I was given codeine. I tried to carefully stick to dose. Until everything just got harder. My son still doesn’t sleep, he’s still going through his health concerns, I have health issues underlying too.
I love my son and partner so much. I hate that I can put them at risk and that I could potentially damage myself to the point of not watching my son grow up. Why can’t my head work normally? I have such bad anxiety attacks and codeine is the only thing that helps. I couldn’t sleep before and this brings the most calm.
I am probably taking between 25-30, 30mgs per day. I am so ashamed that I am in this mess and I don’t know what to do to get out of it.
Sending well wishes to you all. Thanks if you have taken the time to read. Much appreciated.