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How do I get out of this?

I am just in a mess. Lay on the bed after throwing up, hardly eaten and drained by my own doing.

I am so weak and I wish I was stronger, I am tired. I hate opiates, but I love the numbness. I love not feeling the anxiety that plagues me day in and day out.

10 years ago I had a addiction to oxycodone after surgery. I went cold turkey and came off it. It was hell and I never wanted opiates again.

Then this year I had a beautiful little boy, I was told I wouldn’t have children from the damage from surgery 10 years precious. He. had septacemia and respiratory failure at birth. I had a vision of prolonged breast feeding and then my health declined, and I had to stop at 11 weeks; I felt like I failed. (I would never see anyone else as a failure, just me). Then nobody would listen to me about my son not being well, they said his weight was good and that he would smile when out. Behind closed doors he wouldn’t sleep and screamed for 5 months. Until he lost blood in his nappies and ended up in hospital. He had been suffering with severe allergies that had been missed, I let him down.

He settled, but we have to be careful and we are waiting to see if these are lifelong or life damaging.

In that time, my arthritis flared up and I was given codeine. I tried to carefully stick to dose. Until everything just got harder. My son still doesn’t sleep, he’s still going through his health concerns, I have health issues underlying too.

I love my son and partner so much. I hate that I can put them at risk and that I could potentially damage myself to the point of not watching my son grow up. Why can’t my head work normally? I have such bad anxiety attacks and codeine is the only thing that helps. I couldn’t sleep before and this brings the most calm.

I am probably taking between 25-30, 30mgs per day. I am so ashamed that I am in this mess and I don’t know what to do to get out of it.

Sending well wishes to you all. Thanks if you have taken the time to read. Much appreciated.

replying to Jaleigh

Hi Jaleigh really sorry to read about your sons illnesses I have 2 kids of my own and would be so worried and stressed also in your shoes. I get the crying all night my daughter was the same and it’s hard really hard but eventually they grow past it, they say the first 6 month is the hardest.

As for the codeine addiction have you told anyone close about it ? I myself am on day 16 clean and starting to feel much better. I told my wife straight tho so that she would understand and help me thru the withdrawals, the physical side has all but gone now but I’m left with some slight depression in the form of no motivation or energy. Excercise is key and just forcing yourself to do the little things even tho you don’t want too because when it’s done you get that sense of accomplishment which is great. I’ve also used this forum and connected with others to help me thru so I’m here for you and will offer any advice I can. Feel free to ask any questions of me or even if you just wanna talk.

Get back to me and all the best you can beat your addiction just believe in yourself.

replying to Jaleigh

I’m so sorry to read that you’re feeling so desperate. It sounds like you have been through a very rough time after having your little boy and it sounds like you need post natal support and counselling, first and foremost. The codeine use is a symptom of that. There are some small steps you can take to move forward. A drugs & alcohol team, your GP and birth trauma specialists, I’ve mentioned all these below.

Becoming a parent is one of the most life changing and challenging things that can happen to us even with a healthy child. To me as an outsider it sounds like you have an infinite amount of love for your son and that is why you haven’t cared for yourself, that’s nothing to be ashamed of, that’s you trying to cope and putting him and worrying about him first before everything else. As for breast feeding, that’s a totally normal way to feel, 11 weeks is an achievement and once you’re in a more positive frame of mind, you’ll realise that.

The first thing you need to do is find a drugs and alcohol service in your area and ask them for support. Most of them are easy to find on google and phone to get an appointment. They’ve seen it all and are non-judgmental, they also don’t force you into anything you’re not ready for.

Are you on antidepressants (or ssri’s) as they are known? If not, you could talk to a GP about that. There are also specific counsellors now who discuss traumatic births with women who have suffered them. The maternity ward/ health visitor or midwife will be able to give you a number or search online for your area.

There are definitely a lot of small steps you can take. There are reasons you have reached this point and none of them are anything to be ashamed of. Well done for reaching out on here x

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