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Advice & help please!!!

I’ve posted a few threads about my boyfriend alcohol and cocaine addiction.

He’s abused his body since 21 and the past 3 years he went completely off the rails cocaine mainly drinking and crack cocaine for a few months. This was very much before my time with him. He expressed he isn’t normal and damaged soul when we rekindled years later from when we first dated. He did all the chasing to get with me. I had reservations cause I loved him before but we were in different worlds. This time more mature both have children from broken relationships.

The relationship has been a rollercoaster to say the least. He’s unpredictable, unreliable and moody, bad temper. I’ve cotton on to his cycles and I think he’s addicted to cocaine and drinks he’ll of a lot!!

Life has been hard but things I believe are in a much better place for him. Business, money coming in, I’m supportive (too much feel like a doormat sometimes). But he just seems to wollow in negative thoughts, smallest thing he snaps and disappears. He’s vile to me verbally at first I blamed potential mental health and kept telling myself it’s that and he doesn’t mean the things he says. Other times he’s drunk or off his head he’s shouting in my face calling me c**t and s***g etc. Accused me over months of all sorts. He rarely apologies but says it’s mental health he’s not normal or I should listen to anything he says when he like that. I’ve onky ever felt a tiny uncomfortable a few months back when he was pushing me into a the wall and I made it clear I wasn’t having that and to leave.

He dissapeared the weekend I believe to binge and I’ve had time our to think things over and remind myself it’s nog me and nothing I’ve done although he’ll make it about that it’s about me!

He’s been in a vile mood Monday, Tuesday and yesterday evening he rared up again not picking for a row and dissapears again. Intoxicated with vodka. He’s threatened or made it clear cancelling a trip away we had planned in the coming week. He uses my past failures to belittle me in nasty messages. I’ve read a lot online about projection and that it’s clearly something inside him he can’t deal with that projects his shit onto me.

I’m at my wits end. I’ve tried being calm, empathetic reached out to him and asked him what is going on, can he talk to me about how he feels, what’s going on inside his head, why does he feel the need to lash out at me but he ignores and just continues to fire belittling failures into me.

He told me he is what he is and he’s not normal but if I think he can do better than go find someone else.

Honestly is this me? Is he really emotionally damaged from drugs and alcohol that there is no coming back? Is he battling something horrific? Does he truly love me?

Just feel so unwanted, unloved, helpless and questioning everything all the time. He’s jackal and Hyde his tempers are horrendous he flips at the smallest insignificant things. Almost like an excuse to walk out and do whatever he’s doing?

Does anyone have similar experience or advice on how to handle such a situation like this?

replying to Gil

The only advice I would give you from experience with people who have mental health problems who take drugs is that the abuse of drugs and alcohol only make them worse. The moods, the aggression, the abuse all get worse if they aren’t ready to change or get help. I believe the person who emotionally (and eventually physically abused me) did love me but his idea of love was totally different to mine and it was a selfish love.

It sounds like he’s emotionally nasty to you and aggressive towards you and that is concerning, especially the fact that it has already or physical.

I agree with supporting someone who is trying to get themselves out of a rut but You might need to get away from the situation for your own safety and happiness if he isn’t willing to help himself.

It sounds like you have given everything you can and should. He is responsible for his own recovery, not you. As a friend living apart, you could still encourage him to see his GP.

replying to Gil

Hiya gill.. hope your ok. 1st of im doing my best to quit coke. I.hate the stuff..i have lapsed 2 times in 14 week. The soon as i lapse i am back to not having it and in regret.

Drinking alcohol is a major factor in wanting cocaine. He needs to stop drinking totally. Coke sends you depressed and suicidal. So its that stuff thats making him mental if you ask me and his come downs.

And gill.. this is no way you.. but you really need to start to think about yourself and if you are happy with him?

Do you really need this crap? He shouldnt be bringing up past failures or calling you. He should be supporting you. Fair enough.. ive said bad things to my gf but thats every blue moon after a night out and we have had too much to drink. But still thats no excuse.

Does he want to quit? To be fair he needs stop alcohol and coke all together. He doesnt seem a nice person on the stuff.

Maybe have a word and say if he doesnt stop and change, your moving on with your life. Always think of your kids and you 1st!

My gf has stuck by me, shes not really been suportive. But im doing my best to stop. I dont drink anymore. And im trying everything to stop. Hope this helps. And good luck.

Id really have a good think what you want out of all this, and tell him.

replying to Gil

Thanks for the replies guys much appreciated!

He try’s limits the drink a few bottles then soon as weekend comes around it’s bottles vodka or gin!

Posted another thread this evening I’m so upset, feel unwanted , unloved and just fed lies and treated with no respect. I have empty apologies and then it happens all over again.

I’ve now stopped the chasing to as that was making unwell. The ignoring gaslighting it’s mental torture no matter how much of a mess your in. You don’t treat others like that!

I question is he acutuallg ever going to change. I thought as he had a lot on previously it was driving him to due to stress. But I think there is far greater issues mentally and physiologically with addiction. As he sees it he doesn’t do it every day. And says people do it frequently at weekends. As almost to justify his binges cycle every 3 weeks.

I’ve tried stepping back and the longest we’ve spent a part is a week and just don’t know what to do. We’ve planned so much in this year and some plans have already been broken. Just feel like I see a glimpse that he wants a straight happy family life and then next he’d rather hide himself away binges and then hit repeat apologies and making things up and then bang cycle repeats.

replying to Gil

Hello Gill,

I read your first post and thought 'I could have written that, word for word.' Partner with an addiction (crack, not alcohol), moody, abusive, disappears, broken promises, chasing him, making yourself unwell, the lies, feeling used, being supportive.. all of it.. that was me too).

Gill, the first step I took was to find a support network for people who are affected by others abuse. I have a support worker whose job is to help ME. She has tasught me to put in place boundaries, to protect myself.. and accept that this is not MY journey, it is HIS (the abuse). NO amount of chasing, crying, begging, guilt or screaming will stop him using), so I walked away. I stopped allowing him to abuse me and use me and I stopped being the safe haven he only wanted when he was coming down. After an unheard of two weeks non-contact, he phoned me... he realised the drugs were no longer working to cover his emotional pain, and he missed me and didn't want to lose me - so he says he is going to try to open up to me. I am not kidding myself he won't use again.. so I keep my boundaries in place, I am in control on my emotions and I won't allow him or his life to impact on my emotional or physical well being (been there, got the t-shirt). If he does open up, I hope it is the start of his recovery. But I keep to my mantra - unless he can stop I cannot support him or have him in my life. I maintain my meetings with my support worker and come online regularly to read about others' experiences, and it teaches me a LOT.

If I can offer any advice from my own experiences, I am here x

replying to Gil

The lostone, that is amazing and I totally agree with everything you say. Well done

replying to Gil

Sadly I speak from experience but thank you so much. We have to help each other xxx

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