: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

4 replies

Partners coke addiction

My partners coke addiction is destroying me! None of this will probably make sense but im hoping getting it off my chest might help. Hes done coke which was socially for about 10 years but the last 5 has been a back and forward thing but i suppose i was in denial myself for a long time. Because i didnt have proof hed manage to lie to me where money had gone ect. It has been bad for a long time weve split so many times and hes promised the world and weve tried again and then im back here again crying with that pain in my chest. I know i need to leave because its not guna get better any time soon and i know the longer i stay with him or keep going back and fourth im going to end up in such a dark place myself. I know hes not ready to stop and they have to be ready they have to want it. It breaks my heart hes my first love we have been together 9 years since i was 16. Its so fustrating because the stuff is everywhere around. theres so many dealers in just the village we live in never mind a the 5 mile radius around us. It angers me so bad. I just feel like its all so unfair! My dad is a heroin addict has been my whole life hes walked in and out of my life. It was something i struggled so bad with growing up all i ever wanted was my dad growing up. Hes put us through it. Finally a couple of years ago i started to feel like i was over that but now im back at that stage its like a double wammy i feel so hurt and let down all i ever wanted was for him to be there for me and now im doing again with my partner. Like how is that fair i have cried my whole life because of soneones addictions and the effects it has. Im fed up! Its like me and my partner will be getting on for a little while then well have an amazing day or 2 then all of a sudden its ripped away from me again! Thats exactly how it would be growing up id see my dad for abit hed promise me alsorts hed pick me up ect then boom hed no longer be around. Its just like history is repeating itself. My partner got home on thursday, oh it was amazing he was in such a lovely mood tell me how much he loved me , like hed just realised it again kind of thing basically his words, friday again such a lovely day. Im really feeling positive by this point things are lookibg good, saturday day agsin a good day. I could tell hed clearly not had any Saturday i fall asleep on the couch then go to bed. He ends up at a friend till past 4 sniffed up. He gets up for a little bit then sleeps till 5.30 gets up think he might of had some more thst night i took myself to bed and he went to see his mate. Sleeps alot of sunday then boom all hell breaks loose because hes on a come down. How is any of this fair. I tell him if your not ready fair enough tell me just walk away leave me because i dont have the strengh no more. Theres a complete lack of communication vecause he wont talk to me. He just wont talk! He lies his come downs are so bad he spends majority of his wages and he earns good money too. I can basically catch him red handed but he still wont admit it. Like he think im stupid when i know full well or have evidence. I know ive gone on already but if i actually got it all out id be here all night. I dont know what i actually want to get from posting this maybe its to get alittle bit of my chest so i can go to sleep. Im just so angry at the world and hurt! Some days i just wish i could pack up and run away. Im at the point i hate the village i grew up in a loved. Mojority of the people you pass in the street is rather on it or selling it.

replying to Lillies

Hi lillies, hope your ok? Sorry to hear your story, its upsetting you saying.. all you wanted was your dad, and its history repeating itself.

Im in the same situation as your bf.. except i hate the stuff and i am doing my best to quit. Ive lapsed twice this year.. but i get straight back on not having it the next day.

The come downs are awful on coke and send some people suicidal.

Personally you seem like you know what your talking about and you know your stuff, so the only advice i can give you..

Is fair enough hes your 1st love.. but are you really happy? Your still only young. Id have a good think what you want out of this and were you see your self in 5 10 years time.

Or tell him hes on hisast chance, he gets help or your leaving.. but thats just my opinion.

You can get coke in a village? Really?

Tbh its everywere, i know so many people that are doing it! Its horrible

replying to Lillies

My husband of fourteen years decided to up his cocaine and alcohol use to block out a court case that had been going on for years. Instead of talking to me about it he chose to lie telling me everything was ok and he was sorting everything out.

In the past he would use it rarely in social situations which were few and far between. I wouldn't have noticed if his personality hadn't changed so dramatically from my loving, hardworking husband to an absolute arse hole. Sniffing coke changed him. Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights he'd go to friends that partake in the dreaded stuff and not return till the following day. He would go to bed on his return for the rest of the day only getting out bed to be sick after the come down.

He would lie and say he had flu. You can't have flu for a year. Sniffling, sicking up blood, aching bones and muscles, constant headaches, I can go on. I told him to go to the doctors as he needed to get blood tests as he couldn't be so ill for so long. Guess who refused. Cocaine wasn't a problem for him only me.

He continued to use after leaving me.

Friends have spoken to me since telling me of the dramatic changes they have seen in him. He tells them he is looking after me financially but he isn't They advised me that he hadn't been going to work. So my revelations were not a surprise. He lies all the time. Only his 'coke friends' accept his behaviour as normal.

It's now post trial. I went everyday supporting him. But every night he would go back to the coke and the 'coke friends' I would see glimmers of my old husband and then he would disappear.

I'm now trying to cope with my income. I'm trying to run his business too whilst he is away. I get no thanks. Not that I want any, recognition would suffice. The twice a day phone calls have stopped now he has his 'friends' numbers.

I do love my husband but he died the day he chose the coke and alcohol. He is now a monster that I despise and have no respect for because of the constant lies and deception.

2 replies

replying to Lillies

Hi Lillies (and all),

I found out my boyfriend was doing crack cocaine a few months back... so this year has been a roller coaster AND a steep learning curve. I hope what I can share may help you or others (I will abbrievate it).

* An alcoholic will steal your purse and apologise. An addict will steal your purse and help you look for it. They may steal or beg, they WILL lie. Always. They will become ghosts so stop looking for the person you fell in love with as long as they are using, because they are not there. All they care about is their drugs. They do not care how much it breaks your heart. They do not care how much you cry, scream, chase them, try to give them ultimatums or emotionally blackmail them. NONE of that will work. They will disappear for days, they will become uncontactable, they will be abusive, may be violent... and they will drain you of your own sense of self, your own self worth and your sanity and well being. They are not the person you fell in love with and it cannot be a loving, stable relationship whilst they use. Money, plans, holidays, family.. nothing is certain and nothing else will matter to them when they want to use. Your emotions and well being are secondary to them and their drugs. Try not to take this personally and tell yourself it's a disease... but one they inflict on themselves - so don't make excuses for them or soften up at the drop of a 'I love you, I need you.' Because where are they when you're at home crying and they are taking that crap?

* Stop blaming yourself - but also stop blaming your loved one who's addicted. Blame solves nothing. Stop 'catching them out'... you achieve nothing proving they are lying - it creates guilt that will only fuel their drug use further. Lying is like oxygen to an addict. They will lie to your face. They will lie when confronted with the truth.

So stop arguing, stop proving your right when you know you are. You gain nothing.

Turn your energy and focus to YOU. Make this your mantra:

THIS IS YOUR JOURNEY, YOUR MINE.

* You don't put the drugs in their hands. You can't watch them 24 hours. You cannot stop them, so start mending yourself. Put things in place to protect your own sanity. Identify the things that cause you anxiety and put measures in place to prevent them (stop chasing, start backing away). If the addict makes the choice to stop, it will come from THEM and they will almost certainly only do this when they see what they have lost. So distance yourself. Stop allowing yourself to be used only when it benefits the user. They will start to realise what they are losing. Put your boundaries in place and stick to them.

* An addict is ALWAYS in recovery. Do not give yourself false hope because he could be clean 10 years and then one day he may use. If you want to be with an addict, he si always an addict (either active or in recovery). Protect yourself by acknolwedging this and putting things in place to protect your own emotions. You could move to the moon - if an addict wants to use, they will find it.. so location means nothing.

* Try meditation. There are some great apps, and believe me, from personal experience, I've learned that they help. Start loving yourself and freeing up some space in your head for YOU, and not the addict. Pamper yourself. Protect yourself. Love yourself and value yourself. You are trying to help an addict which makes you a kind person - but you cannot help him if you're a wreck. So start with you darling.

I hope this helps in some small way. Keep coming on to the forums if you need help. Try and speak to some telephone services if you can... have a look online see what additional support you can get. Above all, stay strong. x

1 reply

replying to thelostone

Thank you for this words.

replying to Gabdi

Wise words from thelostone.

Keep well and stay strong.

replying to Lillies

Lillies how are you getting on? I hope life is being kind to you.

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