Anger, resentment, guilt, stress, sadness, jealously and loneliness......these are the emotions I feel on a daily basis as a result of my husbands cocaine addiction.
This is probably going to be a long one, so bare with me....sorry!
My husband has had a problem with cocaine for a number of years, however over the past 2-3 years it has become evident that he is an addict. In October last year myself, his brother and mum staged an intervention and paid for him to go into rehab. He done amazing whilst in there and practically came out a new person. He was spiritual, positive, calm and clean. He'd worked the 12 step program whilst in rehab and was continuing to work his program when he got home, going to meetings and evening becoming part of the team that would welcome new comers to the AA meetings. He would meditate, take inventory of his day, all these aspects kept him on the right track. I was so proud of him, we've been together for 16 years and have a 4 year old son. I was feeling so please to have a functioning husband and that my son had a daddy again. Just silly things like going food shopping together was massive and id regained my trust in him. If he said he was popping to the shop for milk or cigs, i would 100% believe him.
Then Christmas came and its been down hill since then. Up until Christmas we had a really good structure to our lives and routine, when christmas came along it messed everything up. Gradually he'd start not doing his inventory in the evenings and not going to meetings.
So the inevitable happened....he relapsed in January and hes not been able to stay off it since and since that day my days have been full of anger, resentfulness, guilt, stress, sadness and loneliness.
Im Angry because hes spending all of our money again, doesn't go to work, doesn't do anything around the house, doesn't interact with me or our son unless hes under the influence. Im angry because we can't do things normal families do.
I'm angry because I'm working 12 hour days sometimes to try and keep our business afloat whilst he sleeps in bed all day.
Im angry that i have to go to sleep with all the keys to the house and cars under my pillow at night, so he doesnt sneak out in the middle of the night to get some.
I resent him before all of the above and for the stress that he has put on the whole family, for when i wake up in the morning and check to see if hes still breathing. for telling me lies and making me question myself.
I feel guilty because I know that addiction is a disease and he is powerless at points and that he looses the power of choice.
I feel stressed as I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Family, business, my husband to look after, finances. Having to put on a happy and care free face when im on the school run each morning and telling people when they ask what a lovely weekend ive had.
I'm sad...just really sad! friends and family have stopped asking me out and they know I usually cant go. people ask how hes doing, and not me.
I sit and cry most nights feeling sorry for myself and son or I get myself so worked up and angry that I feel like i could launch the dining room table across the room.
I get jealous when I feel families out having fun, or when friends go on date nights, because thats just so far from our life at the moment.
I know he can get sober and work a good recovery its just at the moment hes in the madness of it all.