: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

25 replies

Coke rules my life

Spose the title of this thread is the brief summary of my life... stop there if ya like Cos I do tend to waffle on once I start and will probably bore ya to death with the long version....

I’m 45 this year a middle age mum with everything someone could appear to need in life a good childhood/upbringing/parents

Ive got a safe warm beautiful home

a kind supportive stable hardworking partner and 2 healthy beautiful kids

I am loved I am blessed I have more to be grateful for than lots of other people in the world yet here I am totally fu*king up my life

I used to smoke weed and go out raving in my teens/early 20s then bout 20 years ago started doing coke

Annnnnd can’t find the inner strength to stop and for some bizarre reason it’s got more out of control in the last ten years or so when my life has been at its most stable and I have every reason in the world to not do it Want it need it or crave it yet I’ve literally got everything I need and yet I’m literally constantly teetering on the edge of losing it all because of what or who I am

I’m not a nice person really I am manipulative sly greedy selfish I lie constantly to hide my secret life and to enable me to facilitate my addiction

We moved town last year I hoped that would help but I’ve managed to excuse the pun sniff out new contacts locally and here I am same old me at odds with myself hating myself but not helping myself and just carrying on my brain being fuelled by trying to find money to get gear finding some gear ticking gear doing gear hating myself for doing gear then next day waking up and going through it all again

I am not a social user I’m a secret user I don’t go out and do it I stay indoors

I hide it well my partner ain’t stupid he knows I’ve got a problem but not any idea just how bad I’ve even got to the point now I can even sit down and eat dinner with him and the kids (even tho I don’t wanna) when I’m on it just to make him think I’m not doing it! That’s how fu*ked up and sky I am!!

I am prob doing it on average 4 times a week most weeks but if I’ve got money it burns a hole in my brain and if I had the access to funds I’d prob do it even more if I ain’t got the money I’m ticking it or I’m devising ways to make the money or lying to get it out my partner cooking the books and basically putting my selfish needs above that of my own family

Don’t get me wrong my kids are looked after loved well turned out and have never gone without but if I didn’t do what i do they’d have even more

I refuse to officially ask for help Cos no way am I having that sh*t on my records no way am I risking losing our kids

I have looked into going to addict meetings but il be honest I’m a snob ya see them standing outside these places “looking” like addicts and I don’t want to be associated with the likes of them!when truth is I am one of them

I don’t believe in counselling I’ve tried it in the past and not found it helpful

So at this point il also mention I’ve got long term physical and mental conditions I’ve been mentally unstable my entire adult life and on long term perscribed meds’ antidepressants painkillers I suffer horrendous pmt hormonal imbalances Depression low self esteem anxiety and binge eat

I get referred to consultants and fobbed off for everything I have self harmed I have been suicidal I’ve recently been assessed by the mental health team but yet again kinda fobbed off with it being hormonal and left to get on with it then I just carry on self medicating and living this miserable life ruled by the cycle of Coke

I look at my kids and hate what I am I look at my hubby and hate what I am they deserve better way better I love them so so so so very much but it’s like my brain loves coke more than it loves them told ya I’d bore ya to death I’m going to stop now Cos my fingers and heads hurting and I’m boring myself now too lol I’m sorry nonidea where all that just come from actually no I do just quickly I have done some tonight as normal then I see the gazza video and it got me thinking how very sad and tragic it was to watch him how vulnerable he looks and how if someone who had that much money and access to help can’t get help he needs what hope has someone like me ever got of beating my demons and my addiction ???? x

replying to Ffd

A lot of what you say is very familiar to me as my husband is a cocaine addict, regarding seeing consultants etc if you’re anything like my husband then you’re not telling them about your coke addiction I guess, and without getting the complete picture they won’t be able to help you. My husbands mental health is terrible he has paranoia, physcosis, etc etc on the handful of occasions he hasn’t done coke in the last 9 years all of those issues go practically straight away. I hope you can get some help I really don’t understand the hold coke seems to get on people as it doesn’t even make my husband happy when he has it, like I hear other drugs do.

replying to Ffd

Hi montyclm

I know it prob sounds stupid and illogical but I can’t admit to it to my gp or the mental health team because I know for fact this sort of stuff stays on ya records and id rather die first than to risk my kids being flagged up or god forbid taken into care because of me and my life choices

I am ashamed of so much of my life and so many things I’ve done but I wanna keep themout of it if that makes sense and admitting it to the gp might not be in their best interests and despite everything bad I am I do want to protect them from me and my problems I’d NEVER hurt my kids god forbid anyone did but if one of them say broke a leg and it was an unexplained injury then they looked into me and it was flagged up that I was a coke head it could very quickly (even tho completely unrelated to my addiction) escalate to being seen as a child protection issue and social services and other agencies getting involved with the kids care (I have not only seen these scenarios first hand as a long term nhs employee til only recently and for seen a similar scenario actually play out with a friends kid that was compleltely crazy she’s been clean for years but still lost them and had to fight tooth and nail to get them back) I can NOT do that to them or my hubby...

I’d rather die than put them through that and that’s what I honestly would prefer for me to drop Dead and him to then eventually go find a lovely new girl to be a better mum for them than i can be even tho it breaks my heart to even think it let alone say it....

replying to Ffd

Aright mate.. i am exactly the same as you. I have a gf and 4 kids between us both. One each from another relationship. I work hard and again. My kids have everything we need and were going turkey in 5 week.

But my story is.. its been about 8 years once every couple of week i have it. Not as much as you. But that doesnt matter one bit. Ive stopped for a month.. 2 month and 3 month. And sometimes once a week.

I hate the stuff. Its everywere.. moving wont help you? Havent you seen poltergeist? Lol No matter where you go it will follow you. You have be strong as afamily unit.

And its easier said than done. Ive lapsed this weekend. And im absolutely gutted. Im on a comedown and its not shifting i feel so depressed from it. I hate myself for what im doing.

This stuff is everywere.

So when are you getting it? In the morning for the day ahead ? Or at night? How much are you having a week?

What ive learned for to beat it or help.. ill share with you but i cant say nowt since ive lapsed. And you probably know anyway.

But delete all dealers nums out your phone, delete face book and all social media. Dont drink any alcohol.

Change your daily routine around. Read books, yoga, gym, walks. Anything different to your normal routine.

I watch and listen to cocaine recovery stories on you tube and podcast.

Pocket rehab is a great app to download were addicts talk to each other.

Also watch some videos on you tube on louise clarke on crack cocaine part 1 2 3

Shes really helpfull and knows how to beat it and has helped lots of people.

I know what you mean about the kids and that and its a horrible thought. But just dont give up on quitting and stay positive. I hope you sort it. Message me anything if u need to.

replying to Ffd

I wouldnt even mention out about your kids. Mine have an excellent upbringing. Just leave that out. And get yourself sorted.

replying to Ffd

Hi danman83

Ya know what I have read through quite a few threads and seen your name pop up a few times and was kinda hoping that you would see mine and comment so firstly hello and thank you

I saw on another one you recommended that Louise Clark lady and listened to her the other night as I went to sleep it takes a while to get used to how fast she talks kinda frazzled my brain a bit lol but she obviously knows what she is talking about and now I will continue to listen to the series thank you For recommending it and I will get that pocket app downloaded later too

Thank you for your kind words you sound like a decent bloke and I’m so sorry your struggling too and had a wobble this weekend

I’m pretty sure you will get back on track you sound pretty determined to beat this crap

I’ve also found a few “bearing boy addiction hypnosis podcasts” on sound cloud which obviously have had no effect what so ever on me but may work for you lol

I’ve got no contacts on social media tbh 99.9%of my friends have no idea bout my dirty secret and would be pretty disgusted with me if they knew

I’ve tried deleting numbers works to a point but I know where to find them so end up cracking and just going where I know to go

I tend to buy when I have the money available be it Morning noon or night so there’s no set pattern there as such

I am actually very creative and since giving up ft work few years ago I have been quite successful at selling my art online I do try to keep myself busy and not to think about it but it just gets in my head and nags away at me I just feel like a lost cause lol

I just can’t believe I’ve let it do this to me all the time I smoked weed and used to go out doing pills raving I was literally the last person I knew to try coke

Everyone else used to do it and I was always not against it as such but just didn’t appeal to me I wish I’d stuck to that mind set

I honestly thought I’d never give up weed I used to smoke shit loads of the stuff from the minute I woke up Til the minute I went to bed thinking bout it when I was still smoking I didn’t do gear not even half as much as I do now I could go months between seshs but as I say last ten years since I stopped smoking that it’s juat spiralled into stupidity

I wish there was a magic cure that could mend my brain and re wire it to be normal I don’t Wanna live like this but then it’s only me making myself do it so I dunno arrrghhh sorry lol I’m waffling On again x

replying to Ffd

Just read that back and my stupid fat fingers lol it’s posed to say BEATING ADDICTION HYPNOSIS POSCASTS lol ffs

replying to Ffd

Dont worry about waffling on.. it helps people and me. I use be bad on weed aswell. I.always said id never do coke.. then 26 year old i 1st had it.

I know what u mean about hiding and deleting nums it doesnt work. I wish if i didnt have kids. I could just go to 1 of these scottish islands and stay there for 6 month and help a farmer free of charge for a bed. And just beat it that way. Away from everyone.

Have u listened to alan charles.. he had a coke addiction for.24 year. And hes beat it.

replying to Ffd

Ive thought the same.. i wish i could start my life again. The best advice i can give some one regarding coke. Is dont ever try it full stop.

I think i might try a hypnotist after my holiday. Ill try anything. I still feel down from friday. How often do you have it?

1 reply

replying to Ffd

This is totally same as my problem and life is . I joined here last night can’t believe how many are stuck in same place in life and want out. I replied to few posts, read so much people have posted. Sort of feel not alone now. But it’s hard to stop having it but I hate what doing to me.

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