: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

4 replies

Not coping with husbands drinking

Hi all,

I feel really silly posting as my problems may seem very little compared to what some are going through but I feel I have nowhere or no-one to talk to.

My husband has always been a drinker, we have been married for 9 years, but over recent years its got heavier and I am worried about the effect it is having on both his health and our relationship.

He knows he drinks too much but won't get any help and refuses to admit it is a problem he thinks its ok and normal and maybe it is but I am not ok with it. He drinks 4 nights a week, can drink 1 litre of whiskey and 2-3 bottles of wine, this weekend he he has consumed 2 bottles of wine and 1 litre of whiskey in 2 nights, he says he can because he hasn't had a drink all week, I think this is excessive and I really can't be bothered to have another argument with him over it so am avoiding him today.

I know I can't get him to stop drinking or reduce the amount, that has to come from him but he won't admit he needs help, I asked him last year to stop drinking for 7 days, he lasted 3 days.

He is making me feel really unhappy, unloved and worthless, tells me I nag him too much but its because I care and worry about him but if I am not sure how much longer I can go on living like this, dreading every weekend and holiday because of the way I am made to feel.

I have found a local Al-anon meeting which I am planning to attend next week for some support as I don't know what else to do right now.

Thanks for reading and well done if you got this far..

replying to Feelingalone

Hello there. There is nothing silly about about the position you are in. You are communicating with people that are going through similar struggles. I can really relate to what you are saying. I have been with my husband for 18 years. You would think by now I would be used to it all or it would at least be easier to deal with when in fact it is harder than ever & I don't know if I can do this for much longer as I am exhausted with it all. I have been to Alanon meetings & found them helpful. They follow the 12 steps in the same way as AA it took me a little while to get used too but I found being in the same room as people that knew exactly what I was going through & feeling a great support & comfort. I have been attending a group for significant others with The Forward Trust. They are an organisation that helps people with addiction & mental health issues & family You would have to see if there is one or something similar in your area. The group I attend teaches us coping strategies & focus on looking after ourselves & reacting in a more positive way & also explains tough love. I feel this has benefited me a lot. The family worker is very knowledgeable & experienced & has been so supportive. My husband also attends & meets with a support worker. Maybe you & your husband will benefit from something like this. Your local Alanon group may be able to tell you what is available in your area. I wish you all the best & hope you find some support very soon. You can also message me here if you want to chat. Take care

replying to Feelingalone

Thank-you for taking the time to reply to my post. Wow 18 years you must be exhausted to say the least.

I will have a look for a local Forward Trust meeting, I need something as I am going out of my mind right now churning the same thoughts over and over.

My husband is in the denial stage so attending a meeting isn't an option for him, he doesn't have a problem with his drinking.

At present we aren't taking, haven't done since Sunday when I was really upset with him and couldn't speak to him but am now angry that he has made no effort with me at all, noticed tonight he has removed his wedding ring so maybe he has made the decision for me.

replying to Feelingalone

Hello, sorry to hear that. Do you think your husband has taken his wedding ring off to get a reaction from you? as you said he does do things to make you feel bad which unfortunately does come with the drinking. My husband is one of the nicest people I have ever known but when he is drunk, he is leaving me & this time he means it along with other hurtful digs until in the morning he can't appologise enough but that won't stop him from doing it again. My husband does realise he has a problem & does want to stop but stopping can be like losing the love of your life & grieving for that loss. In the mean time it is important that we take care of ourselves. Which we both know is easier said than done but surrounding yourself around trained & experienced people & others that are going through the same is a positive step in the right direction & beneficial to us. When do you go to Alanon?

My husband was supposed to have a blood test last week but panicked two days before & hit the bottle again for days missing out on work. He has finally got back on track again but I am really struggling. I am on different meds for my mental health.

What really does help me through each week though is knowing that I will be meeting up with the group family worker & the friends I have made at the meetings at Forward Trust. We have swapped numbers & we all know we can just pick up the phone to one another. It sounds like you also need this. Thanks to organisations like Adfam we can come on here at any time of the day or night knowing that we really are not alone

replying to Feelingalone

Morning.. not sure how old this post is, but reading both your stories has made me feel less alone.

Both of your experiences are the same as mine and I appreciate the advice of local, groups to talk to.

I need to decide what to do next and how much to tell him of my intentions. I have moved into the spare room, as I cannot allow him to think that being intimate is a possibility.. I cannot give that part of myself anymore. I plan to set this room up as mine as we journey through the war zone of separation.

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