Chat to others: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Hi Guys,

I found out a few months ago my boyfriend is taking crack (and to me, is an addict in denial). He has pawned stuff to get it... uses weekly... I've been on a STEEP learning curve and think I've done well to be where I am (all things considered). I don't write this for advice, but if anyone sees themselves in what I write, it may help them. I will make it as short as possible and simply give ... my journey.

* Found out partner was on crack cocaine. In shock for a few weeks.

* I trawled streets, tracked him down to drug flats, roamed the streets late at night, put myself in danger numerous times, confronted drug people..

* I tried anger, threats, demands, emotional blackmail... tears.. guilt... shame... nothing made him stop.

* I stopped being angry. I stopped taking it personally. I started detatching myself from it.

* I've had constant ups and downs - days I would contact him and beat myself up for being weak. Then I'd be strong for a week or so, and let him do what he wants to do. Then I'd worry he was dead or OD'd somewhere and contact him. It's a cycle. If I didn't contact him, he would contact me. My last low point my birthday. I'd spent £100's on this man. He couldn't even get me a present. When I think of the thousands he's spent on that crap. Eventually when he had a period of sobriety, he gave me a present and card... them lapsed a few days later.

* I've confronted one guy who won't leave him alone. It causes a massive argument and I left. When my boyfriend used the evening, he blamed me and called me a 'F***ing C***.' So I am now on the end of his anger and abuse. I walked out (luckily we don't live together). I haven't contacted him since.

I don't really know what stage I am at now. I don't even know if I can say we are together. I am a realistic. I expect the worse and he has never let me down so far - with his using and pathetic excuses and apologies. But I feel strong.. stronger every time.. until I hope to get the point where I walk away for good.

I see nothing but misery and futility with an addict.. and wonder what others' experiences are.

Thanks for reading x

Hi the lostone,

I am in a similar position to you, partner with a cocaine and drink problem. I can relate to some of your points.. specially some of the vile verbal abuse.

I think you have made the big leap already, I think you know deep down you know the answer. Don’t feel guilty, that’s what I am starting to learn. Specially you confronting dealers etc, you could put yourself in big danger.

I am trying my best now to battle and ride this storm out... it’s not easy at all. Hence why I have come here to hear people’s experiences etc. One thing I have learnt for sure is that I am doing enough... I felt guilty that I was missing a trick and it was my fault. I need to start listening to my gut feeling. My gut feeling is usually right!

I dread to think how much monies he has lined the pockets of a drug dealer for.... shame they realise they don’t get any thanks for it! These people don’t care what they have to lose, I think it gives them power to bring people to their knees.

I am not sure what stage you are at in the relationship? Early.. or quite advanced?

I’d say relatively early .. only just over a year.. easy for people to say walk away but when you feel you’re giving up on someone who needs you.. anyhow.. I haven’t felt guilt .. even when he blamed me Saturday for using. I don’t drag him to these shitty send to buy his crap or put the stuff in his hands. It disgusts me. I am anti drugs and he knew that. I see a support worker who has helped me .. just to see the way and make sense of my emotions which threaten to engulf me at times. I’m in an ok place right now, he abused me Saturday and I haven’t heard from him since.. I have peace of mind and don’t have to hear empty words and promises that will be broken before they’ve left his mouth. I pray each day.. although I am not at all religious .. I pray just that I find the strength to walk away. I hope your journey isn’t too painful. X

Shitty dens*

Well I can tell you this... if this is just a year in for it... most likely it will get worse before it gets better.

Whilst you are in the early stages as hard it’s going to be...take a step back. I have been with mine for 13 years. The cocaine habit is now five - six years in, only in the last year it’s taken a real serious nose dive, not just me but family members are now feeling it. I tried for so long to keep it from them. One day he admitted the problem to his Dad, I really thought it was at the turning point... sadly it wasn’t.

We are all feeling emotionally drained and stressed from it all.

I think you can reach out to support him but I would personally do it as a friend. He can either go two ways... sink further but he’s not hurting you... or he can realise what he had, and give him a goal to work at.

When my partner went away I saw something pop up on social media by pure chance but couldn’t believe how much it touched a nerve. It read- when your heart is breaking for someone who is broken, but your words can’t reach them and your love can’t save them, ask the angels to go where you cannot. To whisper into their heart what their ears can’t hear. We will not give up on you don’t give up on yourself.

Usually I eye roll at those type of things... but it made so much sense.

So hard when it’s painful to keep in a situation like this, but also painful to just walk away

I came up the perfect analogy for my (and many others’) predicament.. it’s like trying to save a man from a burning house and he keeps running back inside.

I’be learned a lot in the last year. A lot. I don’t chase after him, try to stop him, guilt trip him, get angry, blame him.. I just make it clear I know he’s used and I won’t be around him if he does that crap. Haven’t heard from him last 4 days and I have peace of mind. In the past I would have called him, gone to see him.. no more. My problem is what to do when he contacts me.. which he will. They always come back .. I don’t stress myself out about what I will do. I’ll deal with it when it happens. For now I enjoy the peace and the tranquility I have and just keep praying I will be strong enough to walk away.. because I deserve better than this.

I won’t torture myself for long .. sorry you have endured this rubbish for so long ;-(

Ha yes with keep running back into a burning building. Like me you have found out getting upset, health talks, shouting and ultimatums just don’t work. I don’t get angry anymore at all. Disappointed yes.

Whilst he is doing his own thing, think of you and go and enjoy yourself.

Keep us updated x

I certainly will do.. and you too.. it’s all about self care now for me. I know I worth more than being sworn at and blamed and trying to love a ghost.. the lies, the disappointment .. the heartache. I’ve had enough in a year to last a lifetime.. God knows how you’ve done 13 but I hope you find the strength to do what’s best for YOU. X