I found out a few months ago my boyfriend is taking crack (and to me, is an addict in denial). He has pawned stuff to get it... uses weekly... I've been on a STEEP learning curve and think I've done well to be where I am (all things considered). I don't write this for advice, but if anyone sees themselves in what I write, it may help them. I will make it as short as possible and simply give ... my journey.
* Found out partner was on crack cocaine. In shock for a few weeks.
* I trawled streets, tracked him down to drug flats, roamed the streets late at night, put myself in danger numerous times, confronted drug people..
* I tried anger, threats, demands, emotional blackmail... tears.. guilt... shame... nothing made him stop.
* I stopped being angry. I stopped taking it personally. I started detatching myself from it.
* I've had constant ups and downs - days I would contact him and beat myself up for being weak. Then I'd be strong for a week or so, and let him do what he wants to do. Then I'd worry he was dead or OD'd somewhere and contact him. It's a cycle. If I didn't contact him, he would contact me. My last low point my birthday. I'd spent £100's on this man. He couldn't even get me a present. When I think of the thousands he's spent on that crap. Eventually when he had a period of sobriety, he gave me a present and card... them lapsed a few days later.
* I've confronted one guy who won't leave him alone. It causes a massive argument and I left. When my boyfriend used the evening, he blamed me and called me a 'F***ing C***.' So I am now on the end of his anger and abuse. I walked out (luckily we don't live together). I haven't contacted him since.
I don't really know what stage I am at now. I don't even know if I can say we are together. I am a realistic. I expect the worse and he has never let me down so far - with his using and pathetic excuses and apologies. But I feel strong.. stronger every time.. until I hope to get the point where I walk away for good.
I see nothing but misery and futility with an addict.. and wonder what others' experiences are.
Thanks for reading x