: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

3 replies

broken but strong

hi never wrote on anything like this before but reading other people’s made me think I’m not alone.

Sorry if it’s long!

I recently found out that my husband is smoking heroin. He always dabbed in abit of weed over the years but I never thought this would be anything he would get involved with.

it all seems to have started since his mum passed away suddenly. I took everything on, took the pressure off so he could try to grieve. I work and have two children but about a year after her death he started spending money more than usual, spending a lot of time getting something from the van, always took hours to do anything like popping down to the shop, spending ages in the bathroom (more than usual!) and it drove me up the wall!

I’m there cleaning the house, making his lunch for work, looking after the kids, going to work myself. Keeping everything normal which I thought was normal.

Then his friend started to hang about who I didn’t trust at all, and was being very sinister to me and said about him having a problem. I thought no he wouldn’t get involved in that. He has me and the kids here, why would he go down that road

Wrong! he broke down one day and confessed he is smoking heroin. I felt sick, couldn’t breathe felt like I had been betrayed after all the support and help I had tried to give him.

After the shock sunk in, I said he needs to sort his life out, I didn’t have a clue what it was. How it affected people, even what it looks like without googling it!

money started to go missing from my bank, the children’s jewellery from their nan gone, my own wedding rings gone, he would say oh you’ve prob moved them somewhere, I’ll help you find them but really he knew they weren’t there. His tools had been stolen - conveniently. just patterns! being asleep during the day as he hadn’t slept all night but I just put that down to depression at the time! having to literally drag him out to work like a teenager going to school. nothing for birthdays, anniversary, Christmas etc which he used to do even something little. Not that i want anything as I’m not fussed but a card would do! He once then used my bank card to buy my own birthday card.

But I was manipulated without even knowing at the time feeling sorry for him and believing the stories and excuses!

I moved out after I realised my stress levels of questioning everything was affecting my children’s behaviour and knew I couldn’t help him with my lack of knowledge about the drug.

I sought my own counselling through work to get my mind straight to absorb everything that had gone on.

he pleaded with me to come back and he will sort himself out etc crying and asking for £10 here £10 there to borrow for bread and milk etc. I ended up just buying him the bread and milk instead of cash - realised I needed to put my foot down in some way without feeling like I was abandoning him.

he isn’t the same person anymore and I cry most days for why it ever got to this and I miss how he was before but I know I have to keep strong!

he lost his job recently and the day he got paid the money was all gone before I could move any of it for his own good, got fed more stories. he also has got loads of pay day loan transactions on his account which luckily is all in his name. just frightens the hell out of me! he has now apparently signed up to get help but I can’t try and support him anymore it was wearing me down mentally and physically and my children are my priority, but it doesn’t make me feel any better - I don’t sleep some nights worrying and thinking is he ok, is he eating, does he have enough stuff in the cupboards - sounds stupid but I guess I’m just too caring for my own good, but not realising that before I was just enabling it!

He would ask to see the children which I would never stop but with supervision or just an hour or so at the park, he would cover up how he was and then one time he came over to put one of them to bed for me whilst I was doing homework with the other one, and then took my bank card and took money out then popped out, came back like nothing had happened. I gave him time to see his child and he then took with the other hand! Times when he’s even said to the children, I’ll take you to the park tomorrow just us and go on the bikes and I’m thinking this is nice, keeping him and them occupied and they want to see him, the morning comes. His phone is off and I can’t get hold of him and he then rings frantically later on in the day when he’s finally woke up with ‘my phones playing up. I overslept as I didn’t sleep last night’

He’s very good at making me feel sorry for him and I can’t tell you how many suicidal threats I’ve had from him etc but I know now it has to stop I’m just becoming an anxious mess with worry! me moving out and him not seeing his children everyday hasn’t made a slight difference

I’ve backed off a little bit more now and I’ve had to keep the children away from him as he is not who he was and I think my older one is starting to get uncomfortable around him. She clings to me for dear life and sometimes worries if I pop anywhere without her - I’m not having her trying to deal with this!

I was reading all your stories and it made me realise I’m not the only one, I was never around drugs or alcohol problems growing up I was so lucky but at the same time it hasn’t helped me understand it now I’m in the situation.

I can’t detach but from reading others it’s made me put things more into perspective

replying to carly876

Its a bit weird how hes just gone from weed to heroin just like that.. some one hes with obviously takes it and probably pushed it on to him. The minute any of my mates would be like that and im gone.

It sounds like hes just going to get worse. I really would stop feeling sorry for him. How can he come round and see his kids then rob off you. But thats what heroin does to you.

I see my best mate now whos on it picking cigarette dockers off the floor and begging. Its a shame really. But there is nothing you can do. He needs to do it himself. You need to start thinking of you and your kids and move on. Otherwise its going to make you ill.

Good luck

replying to carly876

Carly876 looks like you are doing the right thing by your children so that it doesn't affect them any more than it is doing so now. Heartbreaking for you though not having your husband by your side.

It looks like the death of your husbands mum affected him more than he let on. Even though you took the weight off his shoulders, his friend probably offered him an escape through heroin.

I too tried to take some of the weight off my husbands shoulders when something happened in his life. But it didn't work and he turned to alcohol and cocaine to take his mind off everything. He didn't go to work and when I look back I enabled him by paying the bills and coping on the little amounts he gave me. I am now trying to keep afloat with the household bills and the debt he has left me in with his credit card and with his failing business because he is now detained at hmp.

He is your husband and you can't detach, none of us can. But you are doing the right thing. Look after yourself in all this and hopefully your husband will return when he comes to his senses needing your help to finally get off the stuff.

Keep strong. I wish you well.

replying to carly876

Hi Carly,

my God what a complete nightmare for you. ;-( Just awful. My boyfriend is on crack.. (not sure what's worth)... but it takes its toll on us loving partners.

I tried for ages to help my fella stop. Then one day I realised - this might not get better. He might not stop. He might not 'come to his senses'... and i stopped hanging around and working so hard to make it happen... because only he can make it happen.

Like you, i am hoping one day he will come back to me the man he was.. was... because the drugs steals the person from you and leaves you with a ghost. You can't love a ghost. You deserve better.

Please keep us updated. I hope things improve for you. x

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