So hear we go..big deep sigh
My partners cocaine and drug use has completely spiraled out of control. Now its really taking its toll on family members and relationship. I am completely broken.
This is a long term relationship 10 years plus. I am living with my in-laws. My other half liked to have a drink and smoked weed. But was in control of himself. He worked very hard long hours and was well respected because he was so good. He was confident to go alone in his business venture. He wanted me to leave my other lower paid job and join his company. Which I did as I wanted to help him too. Things were good. He would do anything to help anyone out, if they was in financial trouble he would be the person to help them etc. He had workers for him and to be honest was far too generous with their wage packets! Way way above the normal wage amount. Apart from the odd drinking incident when he wasn't very nice, he was apologetic for his behaviour, always keen to make it up. He was a confident person who had people in fits of laughter with his jokes banter.
Business took abit of a hit financially, which was added stress on him. But he was still getting work elsewhere. I guess he was what he classed himself as the 'occasional' use of cocaine at this point. Of course I was not happy with this. Hoping to myself this was a silly phase and he would come to his senses.
He had an accident which prevented him from doing his physical job for a few months with surgery, hospital apps etc I think this made his cocaine use worse.
I can always tell when he has been bang on it, mannerisms etc. But it started with withdrawing himself and being awake til it was nearly morning. To be honest I was so frustrated that he kept me awake nearly every night with 'checking' every single bloody noise or needing a cigarette etc. I was so sleep deprived and I did vent my frustration saying how ridiculous he was.
I remember one day I saw an article in the magazine about a man who lost it all due to his cocaine habit... I showed him and he laughed and cockily said that would never happen to him...
He went away with his Dad to help him out with his business. He phoned me after a few drinks he told me that he had told his Dad everything. It was like an instant weight lifted off my shoulders. I thought finally he might actually start tackling the problem.
Sadly things carried on how they are. As he is very good convincing us and himself that he can sort this himself. He just needs to be kept busy, and he can manage it.
Work with the other place, dried up, I think someone told the boss what he was doing. So he was given a job at his Dads place. Off site work etc. It pays very well but not as much as he had been used to.
Word started to get around about his cocaine use, the people that we used to speak to or go out with basically shunned us some of them took it upon themselves to try and help him, but they have also given up at the first hurdle I don't blame them .We used to actively go out together with other couples for dinner / bbq's etc, but this has all stopped. Which means part of my social life has been cut too thanks to his use. They all know I don't use. So it kind of hurts that I have been treated the same too.
I have done nights away etc to help him escape. I have paid them so he didn't feel pressured to pay etc. One event was still near to home, he was that much in a bad mood because he didn't have any cocaine. Around the event I could tell he was frustrated, he wanted to rush about and go to the hotel. On the way to the hotel he reduced me to tears about what a horrible selfish person etc used to all the name calling etc, I get used to the vile name calling. He knew he pushed me to the point I was completely broken... he was then bit sorry for his outburst.
He said he would be ok if he sorts himself out. He then left me by myself at this hotel for a good hour or so, he was all happy and that I should just forget what just happened. Me being me of course I did and looked forward to the evening, wow I was in for a massive disappointment! Lets just say I sat there by myself most of the night because he needed to have a cigarette or go to the toilet etc constantly.
After being by myself for 30 mins at one point, I thought I see what he was up to, he was outside with no cigarette in sight just sat on his phone. To be honest I was so angry at this point and so disappointed. He really did ruin the whole thing by his selfish behaviour. I told him he had really upset me, I did get yet another pathetic apology. That is just one event, there has been a handful of episodes.
Problem is when he doesn't have any cocaine in his system he turns to drink... he is a horrible vile monster! Awful verbal abuse I have suffered but when I have tackled him when he is sober I get from him they are just words
He is draining monies like you wouldn't believe. Even though I have taken a wage hit working for his family I still save something aside to keep things running. Pets we have, car, bills etc
He got into debt with something... rather than saying sorry can you help me out. He acted like it was his god given right to drain my monies to get him out of the debt!
If I don't say yes I get told I am a selfish you know what. I would be much more understanding if lost job etc.. He still takes a good wage home every week. So he burns his money on toxic rubbish basically. He sometimes contribute to some things...
One night he didn't have money for cocaine he woke up after drinking heavily he screamed and shouted at me what a selfish b____ I am, he needed money now otherwise he will be in trouble. In a horrible mess I was I drove him to the ATM and drawn out the monies he needed. I sat in the car whilst he 'met' someone. I just cried and cried wishing I would wake up from this nightmare. I said shall I ring one of my family members I tell them what I am up to now? Once again because he got his own way he was sorry for what he done and said...
I have tried ringing for help, one of these addiction places etc and to be honest I just feels scripted like you can do this or he needs to do that... I guess what I mean I was hoping to speak to someone who understands the situation completely.
I even thought going down private counselling route at my cost for him to get the help... she was lovely she said you have had enough but he needs to make the call himself if he was serious about it. I put the number his way, offered to be there when he want to make the call. Always an excuse why he can't and he then just says he can do it himself. But pointed out numerous times if he can why does he carry on doing it.
He doesn't take care of himself personally hygiene wise. I have tried the oh I will pay for haircuts etc, I just get scolded for getting on at him.
People are commenting about his serious drop in weight. My family members have noticed and tried speaking to him. They think its work related stress, they don't know the truth... I felt kind of angry because they was saying I shouldn't take things for granted as he is working hard to provide. Oh boy really I did want to blurt out the truth but somehow kept my composure.
His Dad is at a loss a swell. He has tried small talks with him. But nothing changes. Other family members know and all pinning on me to sort him out... but I physically can't anymore, I am exhausted and broken myself now. But other family members are really stressed about it all.
Then I suddenly changed, and for once thought really hard about myself, but he went away for a couple nights. It sounds bad for saying this but for the first time in ages it felt like I could breathe again, because I wasn't worried what an addict was up to, or treading on eggshells to see what sort of mood he was going to be in. For the first time he could be someone else's problem rather than mine.
The house atmosphere was completely happy and calm. No tension or anger in sight!
When he did come back I could smell the drink on his breath, I will be honest I wasn't happy open arms to greet him. I just was put off by the alcoholic breath and he did start to get into a rage about my reaction, but really what does he expect? As he was 'ill' when he was away and I think I was supposed to feel sorry for him?
I just feel after that trip away I have put my barriers up to him more.
I have tried the getting angry, getting sad, worried about his health & delivering ultimatums etc. Nothing works
I can't find the right time to talk at him at all anymore. He's in a bad mood when he wakes up (so thats out of the question). He works in the day and then avoids me all evening and rocks in at 11 most nights. Always an excuse why he can't be around like something needs doing etc etc he likes to keep reminding me that I need to support and respect him.
I had started to look online for people in similar situations. One story was honestly like if I had wrote it. It scared the living daylights out of me
But anytime I talk he always takes it the wrong way with me? Like if he says I think we should have this... I say oh what about this instead.. I am then portrayed as the bad cop for having an opinion?
Apparently its my fault he doesn't take care of himself, I said stop blaming it on me, do it for yourself for once!
He lives in the past with what he has done well with. Like look at all what I have done for you etc. Its great and I appreciate everything he has done, hence why I am so upset because he was one of the most loveliest persons you could of met.
But I don't appreciate what he is doing at the moment. I said to him he can just go and have a load of drink or do cocaine for him to 'forget' his problems. I don't drink nor do drugs and I can't switch off from whats happened!
He sometimes sleeps in the other room, as he knows I know when he is on it.
But now its taking its toll on me hard, I am not sleeping or eating well at all. My mind is whirring, its jumbled I don't know what is right or wrong anymore.
My stomach knots up from stress and worry. I cry on most days now, tears can just trickle down my face even just thought of processing everything.
He gets upset because I can't simply hug him now and forget the awful stuff that has happened?
He somehow always manages to deflect the real issue and blames everything on me. He said why do you blame everything on my use?
I don’t argue about it anymore with him, I have tried to talk to him about it on numerous occasions, but he just gets angry about it. So sometimes I just sit and be quiet but even that is wrong as I am told then I am not making an effort. I completely doted on him, he was my best friend, I ceased all contact with my friends etc to focus on our relationship.
I really don't know what the hell to do anymore I am so lost and feel isolated.
So have I done enough for him?