: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

23 replies

His cocaine and drink use

So hear we go..big deep sigh

My partners cocaine and drug use has completely spiraled out of control. Now its really taking its toll on family members and relationship. I am completely broken.

This is a long term relationship 10 years plus. I am living with my in-laws. My other half liked to have a drink and smoked weed. But was in control of himself. He worked very hard long hours and was well respected because he was so good. He was confident to go alone in his business venture. He wanted me to leave my other lower paid job and join his company. Which I did as I wanted to help him too. Things were good. He would do anything to help anyone out, if they was in financial trouble he would be the person to help them etc. He had workers for him and to be honest was far too generous with their wage packets! Way way above the normal wage amount. Apart from the odd drinking incident when he wasn't very nice, he was apologetic for his behaviour, always keen to make it up. He was a confident person who had people in fits of laughter with his jokes banter.

Business took abit of a hit financially, which was added stress on him. But he was still getting work elsewhere. I guess he was what he classed himself as the 'occasional' use of cocaine at this point. Of course I was not happy with this. Hoping to myself this was a silly phase and he would come to his senses.

He had an accident which prevented him from doing his physical job for a few months with surgery, hospital apps etc I think this made his cocaine use worse.

I can always tell when he has been bang on it, mannerisms etc. But it started with withdrawing himself and being awake til it was nearly morning. To be honest I was so frustrated that he kept me awake nearly every night with 'checking' every single bloody noise or needing a cigarette etc. I was so sleep deprived and I did vent my frustration saying how ridiculous he was.

I remember one day I saw an article in the magazine about a man who lost it all due to his cocaine habit... I showed him and he laughed and cockily said that would never happen to him...

He went away with his Dad to help him out with his business. He phoned me after a few drinks he told me that he had told his Dad everything. It was like an instant weight lifted off my shoulders. I thought finally he might actually start tackling the problem.

Sadly things carried on how they are. As he is very good convincing us and himself that he can sort this himself. He just needs to be kept busy, and he can manage it.

Work with the other place, dried up, I think someone told the boss what he was doing. So he was given a job at his Dads place. Off site work etc. It pays very well but not as much as he had been used to.

Word started to get around about his cocaine use, the people that we used to speak to or go out with basically shunned us some of them took it upon themselves to try and help him, but they have also given up at the first hurdle I don't blame them .We used to actively go out together with other couples for dinner / bbq's etc, but this has all stopped. Which means part of my social life has been cut too thanks to his use. They all know I don't use. So it kind of hurts that I have been treated the same too.

I have done nights away etc to help him escape. I have paid them so he didn't feel pressured to pay etc. One event was still near to home, he was that much in a bad mood because he didn't have any cocaine. Around the event I could tell he was frustrated, he wanted to rush about and go to the hotel. On the way to the hotel he reduced me to tears about what a horrible selfish person etc used to all the name calling etc, I get used to the vile name calling. He knew he pushed me to the point I was completely broken... he was then bit sorry for his outburst.

He said he would be ok if he sorts himself out. He then left me by myself at this hotel for a good hour or so, he was all happy and that I should just forget what just happened. Me being me of course I did and looked forward to the evening, wow I was in for a massive disappointment! Lets just say I sat there by myself most of the night because he needed to have a cigarette or go to the toilet etc constantly.

After being by myself for 30 mins at one point, I thought I see what he was up to, he was outside with no cigarette in sight just sat on his phone. To be honest I was so angry at this point and so disappointed. He really did ruin the whole thing by his selfish behaviour. I told him he had really upset me, I did get yet another pathetic apology. That is just one event, there has been a handful of episodes.

Problem is when he doesn't have any cocaine in his system he turns to drink... he is a horrible vile monster! Awful verbal abuse I have suffered but when I have tackled him when he is sober I get from him they are just words

He is draining monies like you wouldn't believe. Even though I have taken a wage hit working for his family I still save something aside to keep things running. Pets we have, car, bills etc

He got into debt with something... rather than saying sorry can you help me out. He acted like it was his god given right to drain my monies to get him out of the debt!

If I don't say yes I get told I am a selfish you know what. I would be much more understanding if lost job etc.. He still takes a good wage home every week. So he burns his money on toxic rubbish basically. He sometimes contribute to some things...

One night he didn't have money for cocaine he woke up after drinking heavily he screamed and shouted at me what a selfish b____ I am, he needed money now otherwise he will be in trouble. In a horrible mess I was I drove him to the ATM and drawn out the monies he needed. I sat in the car whilst he 'met' someone. I just cried and cried wishing I would wake up from this nightmare. I said shall I ring one of my family members I tell them what I am up to now? Once again because he got his own way he was sorry for what he done and said...

I have tried ringing for help, one of these addiction places etc and to be honest I just feels scripted like you can do this or he needs to do that... I guess what I mean I was hoping to speak to someone who understands the situation completely.

I even thought going down private counselling route at my cost for him to get the help... she was lovely she said you have had enough but he needs to make the call himself if he was serious about it. I put the number his way, offered to be there when he want to make the call. Always an excuse why he can't and he then just says he can do it himself. But pointed out numerous times if he can why does he carry on doing it.

He doesn't take care of himself personally hygiene wise. I have tried the oh I will pay for haircuts etc, I just get scolded for getting on at him.

People are commenting about his serious drop in weight. My family members have noticed and tried speaking to him. They think its work related stress, they don't know the truth... I felt kind of angry because they was saying I shouldn't take things for granted as he is working hard to provide. Oh boy really I did want to blurt out the truth but somehow kept my composure.

His Dad is at a loss a swell. He has tried small talks with him. But nothing changes. Other family members know and all pinning on me to sort him out... but I physically can't anymore, I am exhausted and broken myself now. But other family members are really stressed about it all.

Then I suddenly changed, and for once thought really hard about myself, but he went away for a couple nights. It sounds bad for saying this but for the first time in ages it felt like I could breathe again, because I wasn't worried what an addict was up to, or treading on eggshells to see what sort of mood he was going to be in. For the first time he could be someone else's problem rather than mine.

The house atmosphere was completely happy and calm. No tension or anger in sight!

When he did come back I could smell the drink on his breath, I will be honest I wasn't happy open arms to greet him. I just was put off by the alcoholic breath and he did start to get into a rage about my reaction, but really what does he expect? As he was 'ill' when he was away and I think I was supposed to feel sorry for him?

I just feel after that trip away I have put my barriers up to him more.

I have tried the getting angry, getting sad, worried about his health & delivering ultimatums etc. Nothing works

I can't find the right time to talk at him at all anymore. He's in a bad mood when he wakes up (so thats out of the question). He works in the day and then avoids me all evening and rocks in at 11 most nights. Always an excuse why he can't be around like something needs doing etc etc he likes to keep reminding me that I need to support and respect him.

I had started to look online for people in similar situations. One story was honestly like if I had wrote it. It scared the living daylights out of me

But anytime I talk he always takes it the wrong way with me? Like if he says I think we should have this... I say oh what about this instead.. I am then portrayed as the bad cop for having an opinion?

Apparently its my fault he doesn't take care of himself, I said stop blaming it on me, do it for yourself for once!

He lives in the past with what he has done well with. Like look at all what I have done for you etc. Its great and I appreciate everything he has done, hence why I am so upset because he was one of the most loveliest persons you could of met.

But I don't appreciate what he is doing at the moment. I said to him he can just go and have a load of drink or do cocaine for him to 'forget' his problems. I don't drink nor do drugs and I can't switch off from whats happened!

He sometimes sleeps in the other room, as he knows I know when he is on it.

But now its taking its toll on me hard, I am not sleeping or eating well at all. My mind is whirring, its jumbled I don't know what is right or wrong anymore.

My stomach knots up from stress and worry. I cry on most days now, tears can just trickle down my face even just thought of processing everything.

He gets upset because I can't simply hug him now and forget the awful stuff that has happened?

He somehow always manages to deflect the real issue and blames everything on me. He said why do you blame everything on my use?

I don’t argue about it anymore with him, I have tried to talk to him about it on numerous occasions, but he just gets angry about it. So sometimes I just sit and be quiet but even that is wrong as I am told then I am not making an effort. I completely doted on him, he was my best friend, I ceased all contact with my friends etc to focus on our relationship.

I really don't know what the hell to do anymore I am so lost and feel isolated.

So have I done enough for him?

replying to UpwardSpiral

Reading your post I though I could have written it as that's exactly what I've been through. My boyfriends is getting better stopped drinking as it a massive trigger. It's still going to be a long road to recovery. You have done enough in fact you have done too much. He went start to stop until he admits to himself he has a problem and wants the help. The only advice I can give is try to look after yourself

replying to UpwardSpiral

Sorry to hear all this. Im in the same situation as your husband but im using once every 3 or 4 weeks. Sometimes longer.

I am doing my best to stop. I hate the stuff and when its wearing off and the downer kicks in i just cant take it anymore.

Going back to your question.. course you have done enough! It sounds like he has no intentions of stopping. I wish my gf helped like you are. I dont know the inns and outs.. but if its making you ill and cry so much.. you need to really start thinking of your self.

It sounds like hes using each day.. is he? How much is spending a week?

Is he out in the pub till 11 each night or working?

Plus he wont ever stop unless he really wants to.

replying to UpwardSpiral

Thank you guys for replying. Danman83 your comment made me cry, it really hit home. I have been told by a few people I am too nice... I really do try and see the good in people I love. but again sheer guilt and disappointment that I can’t fix him. Just so frustrating that I am constantly being told by him that I am not doing enough to support.. how can I branch and help him if he choses to hide from me? Yes uses everyday, odd minor day he won’t. The most he has gone is a week, but that was replaced with drink which was even worse unpredictable behaviour.. I don’t know what is street value is but few hundred quid would be gone in 3-4 days.

We have an outbuilding, and he is doing bits and bobs but I know that’s his hiding place to do it...

One time he came back from being off it for a few days, things were going ok, he said to pop in for a drink with me ( I rarely drink and happy to have coffee etc) and we met with friends (they are sensible and know what the situation is) I had to pop back to home to sort things out and left him with them. Few hours later sadly he drank way too much and it was the trigger. He went and got some cocaine and bingo the vicious circle is back. Our friends was concerned about his erratic negative behaviour that afternoon. They even phoned up the next day to check if he was ok. We spoke about it and I said what upset you? He said nothing as such but drink was the factor.

I have even thought about a week away somewhere, but concerns are the mood swings, or when we get back he will go straight back to it. I think breaks away would only be a temporary fix. If we as a family had thousands to put him through rehab we would. I even mentioned in the past about moving out to help (when it wasn’t as bad as it is now) ... but that’s now on the back burner as he wouldn’t be finically dependable. Sadly mine wouldn’t be able to cover it all.

Danman83 can I ask you this, I don’t mind about people having a relapse in a few weeks or months time... but how do I know if he is really trying to stop? Like I don’t know if I am being fobbed off. I have even suggested about signing him up for the gym to give him a new focus... but met with yeah it’s a good idea... but nothing, I guess his self esteem is rock bottom.

replying to UpwardSpiral

Well.. ive done loads of research how to stop. And had 8 councilling sessions. You basically have to turn your life around.. i bought a safe for my phone to be locked away at the weekends. I ask my gf to take it off me and lock it away but she doesnt.

You need to do new hobbies.. delete dealers numbers.. delete social media.. dont drink any alcohol what so ever this is a main trigger to get coke. I also have took up reading and read true life addiction stories. I listen to podcast.. the alan charles show is a good one. He was a coke addict for 24 years and is now 11 year clean. Im reading his book now its great!.

I listen to cocaine recovery stories on you tube and podcast. Plus i listen to russell brand as he had a drug addiction.

My gf laughed at me the other day when i said its a disease. She doesnt really help. Not like you have. I feel embarrased talking about it to anyone and feel like ive got no one to go to really. My mum knows and has helped a bit. But..

replying to UpwardSpiral

Also watch louise clarke on you tube her videos on crack cocaine part 123.. shes an expert and will help you how to beat coke and she teachers things i never knew. I think you should watch it to..

So this basically is what i do to stop..you can hold it in front of me now and id say no way! Get it away from me.. but sometimes when friday comes every 3 or 4 week. I go weak and i hate it..

Your hubby seems to be worse but we are still addicts. He really needs to admit this if he wants to quit. Its ok saying.. yes thats a good idea.. but he isnt really doing it.

Sit him down and ask him now. What does he want to really do regarding coke. Then set him some deadlines.

replying to UpwardSpiral

Yes I think we all need to stand firm together as a family and when no mean no that’s it. He basically throws a massive tantrum and it’s a horrid outburst so he can obtain what he wants.. mainly money.

Like he’s not here at the moment.. just been told now he needs to sort things out for work... this is what it’s like everyday for me at the moment. Sat here by myself. I do take myself out here and there, but I know specially with my family they know something is up and I am trying hard to keep face. I know they would be horrified what he has done and what he has put people through. I don’t want them to give him a hard time etc.

With you Danman83 sounds like you are doing great work and it seems you really are trying to conquer it. Feel a tad jealous, hopefully your girlfriend will start to realise how well you are doing. Sometimes it takes time for trust to build back up again.

I don’t want to throw abuse or insults at him as I don’t want him to feel what’s the point anymore etc. But everytime we try and talk calmly, it ends up heated as he takes it the wrong way and makes it all my fault! I don’t like shouting and always try and talk. He goes in with all guns blazing which I then react to... then I back down.

He even said what harm is it doing anyone with him doing it! I think REALLY? His bad temper doesn’t just stop with me, it’s anyone really takes the brunt of it.

Once he did admit he couldn’t believe I was still standing by his side... his friends have basically gone and given up on him.

I really do believe in trying in everything and not walking away... but boy it’s been really testing me these last couple of months. I did get somewhere to grow veg etc hoping that would be a way of him escaping... but not really interested. I gave him bits to do to help take his mind of it. He’s done that and basically not interested anymore. I have tried a few times now oh did you want to see how the plants are doing etc... I get the response of not really no.

I will def have to watch these videos, anything that can help him and me understand. As I said to him before I would come along and get the help with him as it would make me understand things so much better...

It’s strange as not knowing a situation of an addict before, I would of been like throw him out selfish you know what.. but actually going through it’s not as easy as that!

Even for me it took a lot of courage to ring or to even message on here. So I can understand his fears of actually admitting to someone.. hence why I said I would help him make the phone call I.e together, offering support so he didn’t feel worried.

Once he gave me his bank card... but he screams and shouts I have to give it back to him.

I don’t smoke or do drugs, rarely I drink. But if it meant I had to give up drink to help him I would!

If you ever need support aswell from the other persons view I will try and help. Thank you so much so far for replies it means a lot

replying to UpwardSpiral

Can i ask how old is he? And do you have kids?

I can tell your really trying.. but it seems to have took over his life. Your going to get nowere if he isnt willing to put 100 % into quitting. He will lapse. But its apart of recovery.

If i spend 60 quid on it. Im thinking all the next day about i could of bought my kids some clothes and i feel so guilty. Even tho my kids have everything. I just feel guilty.

Maybe tell him the money he is wasting why dont you save for a cruise or something. Something different and good to look.foward to..

And thanks for the help.

replying to UpwardSpiral

Early 30s, I did touch on the money wasting side of things. I said we could of saved a deposit for something... it’s I know I’m sorry. No children involved.

Danman83 what are realistic goals? I am not so sure..If I said let’s tackle this tomorrow and that’s it is that unreasonable? We have done let’s start in two weeks time etc, it always end flat..

He seems to be so money orientated, he isn’t happy unless he has money... he mentioned about needing money... but as I have said to him you need a healthier mind. I can’t see him making good decisions when his head is not in the right place?

I did again bring up about the doctors the other day, he said to me no you can just help me. I said no you can’t rely on me to fix this, I am broken as it is myself. He replied no you are fine I said no I am not. We didn’t argue it was a calm convo.

replying to UpwardSpiral

UpwardSpiral you need to take care of yourself. It is hard when you love your oh and only want to help. Problem is they really don't think it is a problem. It is a problem for us not them. He needs to want help himself. No amount of talking, arguing or reasoning will make any difference whats so ever. You are wasting your time and effort.

They are never in the right place when snorting cocaine. Bad decisions with work and money something they would never have done before the dreaded stuff behind abused.

Probably take a step back, look after yourself a bit more and see what happens. Don't give him money to enable him. It is his choice to take it at the end of the day and his choice to stop it.

I may sound harsh but I really don't want it to come over that way. I only want the best for you both without cocaine ruining your lives.

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