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Cocaine

I have shared some of my story in the past but i am really struggling it the thought of:

Did my partner really fall out of love with me and it was nothing to do with cocaine?

and

Did my partner cheat on me and has he left me for another woman?

To recap, my partner came home one night after a boozy weekend away and told me he did not love me anymore and was leaving me. A week later he disclosed that he had been using cocaine for the last 7 years and had been taking it excessively every weekend and during the week was taking tramadol, amitriptyline, and diazpam for the last past 3/4 years. He gave me several reason for falling out of love, which was given over different periods such as we drifted apart, you only worked part time because you were studying for your degree, I was under a lot pressure at work and you did not see it (although it was his boss and work mates he was taking cocaine with), i thought you did not love me anymore and i know i have f*@ked it.

This has all been going on since last sept and i have tried to help him numerous ways but he wanted to do it by himself as he did not want professional help. He asked to come back and for me to help him and since then he has been back and left again on 6 different occasions. He came home after a night out with make up all over his top, his face turned white when i approached him about it, he left house and said he had to wash his car. I asked him to come back and speak about it, he said he was getting photo's taken with a group of women next to him as he was out with mates supposedly, however he would not show me his phone the night before. After i challenged him he said this is not working, i do not love you i only came back for kids. He later admitted the next day that he was "hammering cocaine again" but stated once again he only came back to me for kids and not me and said he was sorry for treating me this way.

Since then i have stopped all contact with kids because he is using again and we are going head to head with lawyers and he wants almost joint custody. He has also sent me messages saying he is reporting me to social work as i am an unfit mother saying i drink every night. Yes where do i find the time to do that when i am the one with the kids all the time, he went out every weekend doing what he was doing while i was running a house, looking after kids, working part time and studying for a degree!

Looking back i did notice around a year ago that he was very cold with me, no sex and would start an argument for no reason. He also went out all the time and would sit on sofa and watch me doing all the man jobs about the house with an electric drill. He even told me one time that he resented me so much that he wanted to pick up the coffee table and smash it over my head.

I am so heart broken and so confused as this was not the person i met and had children with!

He told me he wants best of both worlds meaning see the kids and take coke, when i asked him if he just wanted to be friends with me he said no, so i said well you said you don't love me so you don't want me as your partner or lover and he said i don't know. Then afterwards said he just wants his kids again. He has played with my emotions the whole time since last sept telling me he loves me then telling me he doesn't. I don't know what to believe anymore!

One minute he tells me to move on and forget about him, the next minute he pulls me up for talking to another guy who is only a friend and accuses me of flirting with him because i liked his fb pic, the next minute he tells me he can't go me because i am asking him too many questions??!!!

Is this honestly similar to what other women have been through? And for those men out there who have an addiction with coke, is this the behaviors that an addict would display? Have any of you men treated your partners in this way as he is accussing me of playing the victim card!

Thanks x

replying to Z123

do you know what, it is fine. I just have to accept the fact that he is now gone and leading the life he wants with cocaine and other women or woman and my kids now come from a broken home because of his choices in life, as he said he came back to try and get feelings for me but he couldn't but he was still using cocaine and i was too boring for him as i can't compete with it, so maybe he is better off starting a fresh again and lying to his new partner or maybe she takes it too? he did also say "do you really think we can comeback from this because i don't think we can". His family have also came no where near me and my kids since it happened.

And to top it off, he cried to me on the phone the other day when i was asking him for answers about his feelings towards me and he said i was draining him and that he tried to kill himself last week because i am not allowing him to see kids, and he said he had to go because he was in a meeting but he was seen half hour later by my friend driving in his car laughing as he was on the phone to someone. He also cut me off the both times i spoke to him and i called him back and he said he didn't know what happened but i think he was recording my call to use in court

replying to Z123

why am i even looking up more about cocaine and relationships when he has clearly made his point towards me! and while i am doing this he is probably out with some other woman as he is never seen at weekends! i am such a sad case to even give him any thought now!

replying to Z123

Your situation doesn't seem too far from my own.

Husband told me New year's day 2018 that he no longer loved me, this followed a few months of him being out most weekends though I never suspected coke. He was gone a week then came back saying the time apart had made him realise what's important and he wanted to be with me, we had been in the process of buying a new house which we continued the process of. We moved last April, by July he was telling me again that he was unsure of his feelings for me. He went back and forth before we seperated last August.

Again he was out drinking every other weekend when he did not have our children, when I'd see him he'd look awful but I thought maybe he was suffering with depression. I confronted him about cocaine use last November as knew he had taken in the past though he'd always said it was only on occasion, when I asked, he again downplayed it and told me it is not as often as I was making it out to be.

Around Xmas he again told me he wanted to make a go of our marriage, he appreciated me more now and wanted to be a better person for me and our children. Over the last 6 months he has been away on 4 lads weekends abroad (pretty sure they've all be cocaine filled) he is out constantly when he does not have the kids and I am now being told by friends of his that his cocaine use is far heavier than he's told me, one of his friends said to him I think you have a problem to which he replied "yeah I know, I just can't help it". He has now ended things again saying he is just not emotionally invested in this. I've since found out that he is now dating a girl he works with 12yrs younger than him (and very much still in the party years of her life) my kids are devastated and he doesn't seem to care, he's just become this completely selfish person that I don't recognise.

Honestly I'm looking for the same answers, does he just not love me any more or does he just not love me as much as he loves coke?

Sorry I can't answer our questions, but just know you aren't alone x

1 reply

replying to Z123

Same here. 'Husband' said he didn't love me anymore and he didn't know why. Told me to get on with my life. It was so sudden it stunned me. He would cry for reasons I couldn't work out, because why would you cry if you didn't love or care about someone and what you are doing to them. I wouldn't but then again I don't sniff coke.

Fourteen years of marriage to my soul mate and then nothing. It was so out of character but then so was the regular use of cocaine and drinking excessively.

It is the cocaine talking, we cannot all be wrong. It changes everything about them. It also changes the way they treat others that are close too, you just don't realise because you think its just you.

You are not alone.

replying to Hox

So true, honestly see the way my "husband" has been over the last 18 months is just shocking.

I tried writing him a letter last week explaining what the separation was doing to our kids (wasn't aware how bad his coke use was at this point) and he still didn't seem to care.

I think it changes their emotional state, they don't "feel" properly if they aren't on a high so in comparison real life isn't enough for them anymore. I just feel like if that's where his head is at right now, surely it can only get worse as he'll start using more to continue the highs?

Just glad I found this forum as i at least can see the situation for what it is now instead of kidding myself he's just going through a midlife crisis.

replying to Z123

This forum has been my rock in my deepest, darkest days I can tell you. I didn't know where to turn.

There is no real emotion in my 'husband' like you say they don't 'feel' anymore. It's like they have become an alien being. No amount of talking helped, he just didn't register my feelings in all of this, only his own. He became selfish for the first time in our lives together.

It's not a mid life crisis is it. It's a 'cocaine crisis' and our lives will never be the same again. It has been an awful twelve months.

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replying to Z123

I only came across it a couple days ago, and reading through a few of the posts, so many of them have similarities to my own situation which makes me more and more certain that it is the cocaine, everything that has happened in the last 18 month's, it's like it's all clicking into place and finally making sense.

I never would have imagined ending up where I am now. I knew my husband had dabbled in it during his younger years but honestly thought he'd grown out of it. I'm now questioning whether he did and something pulled him back in or whether he's just been hiding it better for the years leading up to this.

He doesn't know the extent I now know he is using, and given he's been out the house almost a year and with his new "girl" for the last month I'm not sure it's worth my energy confronting him, I know a friend of his tried and it didn't change anything. I'm just concerned because we have kids together. I don't *think* he is using when he is with them, I do think it is still only if he is out drinking (which is every weekend he doesn't have kids) but I just don't know anymore, he's not the person I knew

replying to Z123

All these stories sound so similar. In the beginning when he told me that he didn’t love me, he said how can I love someone else when I don’t love myself. He has always been a depressive type person and doing my research on this stuff I know that people who lack of self-esteem can be some easily addicted because it makes them feel good but the depression hits them harder. He needs it now to make him feel good because the reward part of his brain doesn’t work now without coke.

Like your husbands, he came back and said it was the drugs talking when he said he didn’t love me and his head was all messed up and begged me to take him back but he’s done the same thing to me time and time again since last sept.

He’s told me it’s a good drug to take and he wants best of both worlds. I asked him so you want a single life to take cocaine and see your kids when it suits you and he said no, so I asked him do you want me just to be your friend and he said no and when I said well you don’t want me as your partner or lover he said I don’t know and got angry.

Currently he is fighting me for access as I’ve atopped contact with kids because I told him from very beginning if he took it again I would stop contact. He’s told me he would sign house over to me and I could take all proceeds from sale of house to give the kids a better life but now he’s turned on me and is not willing to do that. He came to house today and sat outside trying to intimidate me then text me asking for his mail. He knows fine well he has no mail coming here since he first left in sept.

There’s no going back for me because now he wants to buy the house from me, how disturbing is that as he’ll be bringing girls back here to the family home we once had with our kids. Cocaine really messed up lives not only for the user but for the people around them!

1 reply

replying to lc100

I would never have imagined being here either as he was very much against drugs. I knew he had tried some drugs as a teenager but he had never tried cocaine until he went away to work from home. He said he was offered it to square him up whilst drinking as he drank red wine and could become drunk quite easily.

He has told me he has driven our kids about in some states unbeknown to me as I had no idea he was using coke. For years I knew he went through stages of feeling low and I did say to him he should go speak to a doctor and that he may be one of those people that needed an anti-depressant. He never did! I noticed he started to get angry over the slightest little thing and he would talk very degrading of people and I would say to him you need to think about what you’re saying here, I would say it’s like you’ve got a black heart. The last past year and a half I noticed him being extremely cold with me, speaking to me in a degrading manner and would start an argument for no reason. I couldn’t figure out why, I approached him about his behaviours and told him he was acting out of character and like a ned, this made things worse obviously because I was just like a nag to him. He seemed attention elsewhere with taking cocaine and flirting with other women buying them drinks all night but little do the other women know that he actually hates himself and everything about him is just all pretence.

I was the best thing that happened to him but I’ve had no support from his family whatsoever so he is their problem now as I will not allow my kids to be involved in a world of drugs and his paranoia and depression that’s been caused by the cocaine.

Sounds like your husband has been taking it all along and is too deep into now whereby the cocaine becomes a priority. The girl who he is with is either into it with him or she too is blinded by his lies because he is an expert at it now. The thing is he will never find true love with anyone else because his true love is now his cocaine!

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