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Unsure of what to do


I have been with my partner 10 years steadily though a year ago we nearly got divorced due to his debt of which he managed to take up nearly £40k I’m guessing over a year or two. He was very sketchy and tried to blame me for this, which is not true though his family believed him and paid the debt eventually. It has obviously caused issues with myself and his family. We have two girls together younger than 10. He has always had issues with money and paying the bills of which I normally have had to sub him and he pay when he can.

I meet him when I was 18, I am now 34 and we dated a few years before I found out how bad his drug habit had become and he also dealt at the time, and lied twice about it. Though we got back together nearly 10 years ago and I thought that he had put that all behind him. Within a short period of time we had our first child.

I have recently been informed that he went on a stag do and brought with him a huge amount of Cocaine of which he consumed a large amount of. It was my brother that told me, and did not go on the stag do as does not like the way my husband treats

Me and did not want to get into it with him on a stag do so did not go. His friends who went though rang him up and told him how bad my husband was and how they are not surprised we have no money as he is obviously using a lot. I was completely oblivious to this until a few days ago. My husband has also had a fight with his work colleague over money and my husband actually text me claiming that his friend threatened to tell me about his drug use generally and cheating at the stag do which he states is all not true. Though obviously from my brother I know otherwise. He is lying to me daily telling me that he does not touch drugs and states if I believe his friend then there is a Huge problem. Now i know there is a Huge problem with us and I believe our problems last year were also related to his drug consumption. Though he will not tell me the truth. Completely at a lose as to what to do. I have ordered a hair follicle test though I know he will not consent. I do not know what to do anymore. Any advice would be useful,

Thank u

replying to Benson

Hi, i am sorry you are going through this! I have a similar situation with my now ex partner using cocaine, not the debt however as bills were always paid but he never has any money once bills are paid due to buying lots of cocaine.

I am going through lawyers about selling our home and contact with kids. I have stopped contact but he wants to see them. I have requested he seeks help through a drug rehabilitation programme and seeks counselling for his anger and depression, whether he does this or not is a different story but i have also asked for drug testing by hair follicle. I was advised that many men try to shave their hair before testing or dye it. I am just informing you about this, there is also certain detox shampoos that t they may use to try cheat the test, look it up online.

Big hugs to you xx

replying to Benson

Thank you for your advice I’m so glad someone replied feel so lonely in this situation. When I was ordering the kit noted the detox shampoo available so I don’t plan to tell him that I would him to take the test until I have the equipment to see his reaction. I have a feeling I’m going the same way as you have, and I am so sorry to hear about your experience

replying to Benson

My 'husband' used to sniff cocaine occasionally when we first met so it wasn't a problem and of course I didn't know the effects of the stuff. So doing it rarely had no affect on him and it didn't affect our relationship.

Fast forward fourteen years. After a brush with the law he started to drink heavily and upped the amount of cocaine he was snorting. I think myself it was a daily occurrence up until his incarceration. He lied constantly about his sniffing saying he had the flu. He had no money to contribute to the household bills and stopped going to work regularly a year ago unbeknown to me. He also had credit card bills and was applying for more credit during this time.

Yesterday I went to visit his cousin. We talked about how he had changed not only toward me but to him. I told him that 'husband' had sworn on his dads life that he had not had cocaine for four years. Well cousin confirmed he was lying. They will lie and manipulate and 'husband' swore on his dads life because he knew that this would be believed by me in his warped cocaine addled brain.

I wish you well at this awful time.

2 replies

replying to Benson

Thank u for your reply. Sounds like you had such a bad time of it and I am so sorry to hear about it. Thinking about it, my husband has also been getting in trouble with the law as well, which I guess would cause stress and then as you said would increase his intake. I just can’t understand the lies to be honest and how easy it is to place a lie on top of a lie and still think that they will not get caught out. I have even said I will help and support him if he would tell me the truth, but still will not admit to anything. I can’t do anything really as he would get 50 percent custody of the children as he would get a good lawyer and then I would have no idea what is going on with my girls half the time, or what they are seeing or going without. Stuck.

replying to Benson

It has been an awful twelve months.

It is not a good situation for you to be in, being held to ransom with your girls. I can understand you feeling stuck and through no fault of your own.

We have no children. I cannot imagine what it would be like for me or for our children if we had them, with an addict for a father. Heartbreaking for all concerned.

replying to Benson

You said you can’t do anything really as your husband would get a good lawyer. The law is the law! Do you qualify for legal aid? You can have him drug tested if you have suspicions and concerns for your girls safety. You would obviously have to take him to court.

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