: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

45 replies

I feel like I failed

I don't really know what to do anymore. My daughter has used a wild concoction of drugs for at least the last 4 years. She is now 18. In her lucid moments she will admit she needs help but then won't follow that through. If I make suggestions I am interfering and she believes she can suddenly fix it by herself. Everytime I think she's turned a corner she changes direction again. She has a job, gets paid and blows the paycheck in a night and then ends up running up debts. I know she manipulates me and I hate myself for allowing that to happen. I'm so scared that I will get that call to say she is dead. That I will bury my child. I want to stop it but I know that I can't. If I talk about it to people you can see that look in their eyes, that thought that their child wouldn't do that but maybe that's just me. I'm sorry to pour this out but maybe this is what I need to do to keep me sane so that my son has a mother.

replying to Ginger71

Hi ginger

You haven't failed

I'm in a similar situation my boyfriend is addicted to coke and he lies and manipulates me all the time. One minute he will say he has had enough and will do something about it but the very next day he is back doing it again .yesterday I came back from seeing my dad who is sick to find he has pawned my laptop for drugs. I am so angry at him. My only advice is to try looking after yourself easier said an done I know but going out with friends will help take your mind off of what's going on. I've learnt that they will only get help when they fully admit they have a problem and really want to quit. Trying to make them get help wont work in the long run . Just know that your not on your own

replying to Ginger71

I’m sorry to hear of your situation with your daughter, it’s a tricky one. My son has been an addict for about 10 years, he uses heroin, gets onto a methadone programme, starts reducing the methadone then we go back to stage one. He steals and manipulates me for money, I can’t see an end to it. I dread waking up every day, he has made it my problem, he steals from his Grandad then denies everything. His room is a cess pit full of rubbish, needles and other drug paraphernalia but he denies he is using. If I’m honest I wish he would disappear off the planet. They say drugs ruins families, well it’s certainly ruined mine. I go through all sorts of scenarios to stop him, do I kick him out? Shop him to the Police? Go and see a Solicitor to get an injunction to keep him away from me? What worries me is that, I’m now 61, over the next 10 years I will become more vulnerable to his manipulation. Like you I have blamed myself, his Dad was an alcoholic so I shouldn’t have had a child who inherited the addiction gene, at the end of the day he’s the one who started injecting himself, like me you are not to blame.

replying to Ginger71

Thank you

It is so difficult living the feelings that you want your child to vanish. So difficult being scared of seeing them and not knowing what the day will bring. It is wearing to play scenarios in your head, I think I've played those same ones. Thank you for replying because although people say you're not alone you never really believe it because it is such a lonely road full of deceit and lies. Thank you for replying because it makes me talk and get the feelings out. A tiny thing but has to be good right?

We're not alone thank you.

replying to Ginger71

Hi ginger , I’m in a similar situation. My daughter 17 started taking Xanax a year ago, overdosed several times and ended up in hospital.

We really thought that she would die at one point as she had no control over what she was doing. Couldn’t remember what she had done for days on end , didn’t eAt and was covered in bruises.

The effect it has had on us as a family is huge, I have 2 other children younger than her.

They witnessed paramedics and sometimes police in the house in the middle of the night.

One positive thing for you is that your daughter is managing to hold down a job... not easy when you have a drug habit.

My daughter is ok at the moment. Probably partly because she doesn’t want to take it but also the supply has dried up!

I guess there has to be a point where we as parents say ( once they are 18) it’s time to move out as the we cannot cope anymore and you are affecting your siblings who really don’t deserve this!

What drugs is your daughter using?

We are a nice family and she has brought this dark world of dealers, shoplifting and lies into our world!

You have my sympathy it’s just good to know that we arn’t alone in this !!

replying to Ginger71

It varies what she takes and goes in cycles. We started on weed and mdna then moved to ketamin then went back to only weed now she takes cocaine, weed, nitrous oxide and have seen her on tramadol. Feels like she wants to work her way through the list! She too has a brother and he has seen her in terrible places had to wrestle knives off her and carry her upstairs to bed when she has collapsed on the floor. She wakes him up at stupid times because she lost her keys. At what point do you say there is no hope for your child? That is so hard. And then we put on a mask and carry on the day .

replying to Ginger71

Hi, I know the failure feeling. I know the guilt I know the manipulation. My son has been using for 6/7 years, started on cannabis, now it’s cocaine and the £10000 debt that comes with it. This past weekend I’d had enough, we’d got him into a programme smothered him with family love and support.... but he couldn’t do it. So, I asked home to leave home. I took his key and I hate it. My baby is sofa surfing with so much pressure and shame consuming him. But, I was enabling him, killing him with kindness. It’s time for him to take responsibility and hopefully make the right choice. I can’t eat, sleep I cry all the time. Yet, I won’t have him back. So although I feel like I’ve failed,I know I had no more fight in me. I’d exhausted it all. I hold onto hope ......

replying to Ginger71

We're all traveling this same road just at different junctions along it. For me right now I don't think there is an answer. I am trying to keep a lid on my own feelings so that I can function. This is a release valve which allows me to let go some of the feelings before they get topped back up again. I'm glad I was brave enough to do this.... Crazy that it takes guts to use these forums but we all have that. Guts to say I'm important enough to matter and although I may have come here because of my child I think I'm really here for me . By writing on here I'm saying to myself be strong. I may fall many times but I will get there. Stay strong

replying to Ginger71

My son came round last night, was calm and reasonable. Told me that he hadn’t taken any coke for 4 weeks, he’s gonna apply to uni for September move away from it all..... then started to say he has no money and is going to festival at the weekend and needs money to give the driver. I didn’t bite, didn’t offer money. Then he calmly left after having a shower and some tea. I locked the gate then locked the door not knowing where he was going to sleep last night. At times I hate myself for doing this to my baby, but then know I have no choice. I want to believe him, but I can’t. I just to have hope.

We are all the same road, and we do have to keep our strength, and if this forum is the place voice it then we need to use it. Sending so much love to all us wonderful mums living the life we never imagined. Stay strong wonderful women x

1 reply

replying to Ginger71

Your post gave me the strength to say no. " Mum can I have money for x birthday and y birthday I need £60" no I don't have it. She asked me to ask my friend and again I was able to say no. She still went out and on the doorstep asked for £5. I'm proud of myself for today. Can't promise to always be so strong but thank you.

We are good mums and we should say it even when we don't believe it.

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