I've determined one thing - what I learned from being with an addict, I want to share with others, in the hope that helps others to break free, to see that they are not alone, to know that things can get better.
Long story short, I found out my boyfriend was a crack addict about 5 months ago. Those 5 months seem like years now. I did it all - shout, scream, cry, follow him, challenge him, blame him.. beg... abandon him, try supporting him.. nothing.. NOTHING worked. His treatment of me got worse - and our relationship was destroyed by his use.
You feel alone - so alone. My short journey left me suffering anxiety and stress, it ran me down until I was physically ill, my self-esteem fell to zero.. I stopped caring about myself and my own routine went out the window. I put myself into dangerous positions trying to track him down and confront the bastards supplying it to him and constantly contacting him with secret rings and texts. I was left with so much anger I felt I would kill. I would have panic attacks and nightmares and I was left with so much unresolved anger and issues... over his use and how he treated me and what he threw away. I was angry.. all the time.
Last weekend, something happened... a small incident.. I tried to give him a personal gift (a portrait I had taken 4 days drawing), and he went off the radar (stopped answering calls, ignoring my texts, and then lying to me).. I was going out of my mind and could not stop sobbing. In absoutely desparation, I dropped to my knees by my bed and I PRAYED. Trust me, I am NOT a religious nut or even a believer in God, but I didn't know what else to do anymore. So I begged for strength to walk away from this man. I sobbed and sobbed and begged for help.
The next day - something just ... broke inside me. In a good way. I suddenly just accepted it was over and that I was never going to change this man or his behaviour, or be able to ever trust him again. I accepted that we were never going to have the relationship we had.. he was never going to stop using from what I could see. I accepted that it was simply futile.
He contacted me, and apologised as he has so many times before.. but suddenly, when you distance yourself from a situation, you see it so differently. I saw him differently. He is a junkie. And not a particularly nice person - not just because of the drugs. I reminded him that we are no longer together.
I suddenly felt like a weight was removed from my shoulders. I felt like... myself again. Me. The happy me that is content with life. I felt whatever bond we had was broken - for good. I no longer had questions whizzing through my head, scenarios monopolosing my every thought, I no longer had anger burning inside me... I felt I could breath properly for the first time in months.
Someone said to me 'He is your addiction' and this is SO TRUE for so many people loving an addict. I would count the days I hadn't seen him and try to break away.. I'd block him, unblock him, I'd be terrified to bump into him because I know I'd weaken.. or if he contacted me, I would go running to him. NOW? I haven't blocked him. He can contact me if he wants - or engineer a way to see me (as he has before) and I will be kind, and polite... but I will be firm. I don't need to pray for strength. I have peace of mind, I have no drama or stress, I have my self-respect back. He has been downright cruel to me at times, and I won't allow him to use crack as his excuse.
I truly don't know what really happened for me, only to say 'something broke' (the final straw maybe).. but I finally feel free. I don't wait for the day he will sort himself out and come back to me clean - because the likelihood of that is pretty much zero.
If you are loving an addict, I hope you find the strength to look after the most important person in your life - YOU. I hope this helps someone.