Chat to others: Bereavement

Hi all

So glad I found this forum and hope my ramblings today will make sense to someone out there. I recently lost my husband to alcohol, and although he had other medical issues it was ultimately his drinking that killed him.

Since his passing I have gone through many emotions, anger being the predominant one. Angry at him for giving in to it, angry at me for failing him, angry at medical professionals for failing him. Trust me, if I had a milkman I would probably find something to pin on him too.

I dealt with his drinking for many years and have tried everything I could to get him to stop and/or seek help. He was getting help to be honest but in the end he thought he could handle it and paid the price. Right now I am very confused and wonder if he ever really cared for me and his family, yes he lied to me for years - part of the illness right? I trained myself to not take his lies, drinking, behaviour, personally but can't help but feel used and mistreated.

Aside from myself and our children, none of his family were aware he had an issue and were stunned to find out after his death. I thought I was doing the right thing in keeping his secret but now I am questioning every decision I ever made

Sorry for the ramblings, I just need to get these thoughts out and would be interested to know how others cope in a similar situation.

So sorry to hear your awful situation

You need to know that you are not responsible or to blame in any way for his actions. It’s his decision to drink and sounds like he had help which is highly likely he understood the risks and he choose to handle it himself. You cannot take the action yourself. That was down to him. Not the milkman or anyone else

I have a husband who is alive but drunk much of the time. I have asked myself so many times if he can possibly love me He promises me change but within a day he’s decided to drink again. He lies about how he got the drink how much he’s and will swear on anything and everything until the evidence is before him. I can see the shame on his face and I know deep down he is struggling. I feel he does love me. The pull of the alcohol is stronger. I know if he had a health scare he would stop initially but I strongly believe is wouldn’t be long before he started again.

He’s not physically addicted but it’s got him mentally and emotionally

I’m certain you did all you could. An alcoholic has to help themselves and only when they truly want to

Be helped will help actually work. Please read some posts on here and try and contact Icarus trust and you’ll see many sad stories which back you upx

Thank you for your response, it does help sharing with people who have lived through/are living through a similar situation.

I know I am not responsible for my husbands drinking and do believe I did everything in my power to help him. What saddens me the most is that aside from the drinking he was truly a lovely man. This is what I am trying to remember in order to get through the next few months. I have been having counselling but not sure it is helping me since all the focus is on the negative and I really don't need reminding of what I have lived through, mainly alone.

I will contact the Icarus trust, any support I can get at this time is valuable.

Good luck to you in your journey, feel free to reach out if you need to xx

I very sorry to read about your situation. Thank you for sharing. It’s helped me reading what you posted as it reminds me that so many people are so badly affected by ‘demon’ drink.

Reaching out to people who have experienced very similar difficulties is recognised as a way of helping and is my reason for joining this forum today.

With the exception that my husband is not dead (albeit not living a very full life) I would echo everything you say. My husband is a lovely man when not drinking. I miss that man very much. Unfortunately that man is now almost totally consumed by alcohol. Instead, he suffers from depression and anxiety, who loathes himself and is not coping at all.

I have finally decided I can’t cope living with him any more. So here I am in my late 50’s, sat crying in my mother’s house.

I’ve tried everything, and he has had professional help. But, he has given up on having help and pretty much given up on himself. I’m extremely worried without my presence his drinking will escalate but I couldn’t stop him when I was with him.

I would love it if my leaving my husband was sufficiently motivating to make lasting changes, but l would just be kidding myself.

Sorry, have gone on about me rather than responding to you.

Your grief will be understandably mixed up and confusing. I think that you feeling angry is a normal response. It’s just anger can feel at times all consuming and a bit frightening. In time, but not immediately that feeling will lessen, I’m sure.

When someone has addictions that doesn’t mean mean that they can’t love deeply and meaningfully. however the addiction for some people is the more powerful. Not sure there are any reasons why and it seems unfair.

I hope you have found the forum helpful and you are also getting support at home

Hi Rubyjune

Thank you so much for your response. Your story resonates so much to mine, especially that you worry his drinking will escalate with you not there but that you can no longer cope with it. This is exactly the position I was in. To be fair, I think my husband was way beyond help a long time ago. My consolation is that although I couldn't live with him I never gave up on trying to help him.

I have amazing support at home from family and friends and am just trying to focus on the positives of our life and also the future. There is no way I will let this dreadful addiction ruin my life as well as his.

Wishing you all the best in this struggle.

So sorry to hear your awful situation. Thank you for sharing. It’s helped me reading what you posted as it reminds me that my father were so badly affected by ‘demon’ drink.

Alcohol addiction was once described to me as being like “a song or tune that gets stuck in you head and plays over and over” (I think we’ve all had that at some point or another) so it doesn’t matter how much you love someone, if that tune keeps playing in your head, there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

I’m sure your husband loved you x

While substance use disorders are often the first to come to mind, addiction exists in many forms, including behavioral addictions. Liquor is the umbrella term for hard alcoholic drinks or spirits like tequila, vodka, gin, rum and whiskey. Because alcohol is legal and widely accepted in society, it can be hard to tell the difference between casual use and abuse. https://www.addictionrehabcenters.com/drug-addiction/alcohol-abuse-addiction/signs-symptoms-and-side-effects-of-alcohol/

I've just come across this forum. Reading what you have written is a mirror image of my life apart from I'm only 36 and my partner is 39. My partner started drinking more to cope with his Dad dying of cancer last year. From last October it's been a slippery slope for him. A month ago I had to move out of our family home with my teenage daughter as his drinking has gotten so bad now and his mental health suffers so badly from his drinking, its heartbreaking to see someone you love do this to themselves, and there is nothing you can do, that's one of the hardest parts about all of this.

I hope you are well and happy xx

I’m so so sorry to hear what happened! This my biggest fear with my husband. He recently tried to kill himself and I’m struggling with that along with haw to get him the help he needs. Been to counseling, inpatient and outpatient. AA but then covid hit. Life can be so hard and messy. I hope you are doing well now.