Where do I start .....I think my son started using drugs when he was at secondary school......I ended up kicking him out of my home, he stole from me, was intimidating etc....he sofa surfed and moved in with a girl, they now have a nice home and he a decent job which he holds down...just... I have given so much money over the years to try to get him straight, he is still very in debt....I gave him 200 this month towards his rent he gave it to a dealer.....his girlfriend says she is leaving . To keep the house he has to pay most of this months wages to housing....he still has drug debts to pay. They have asked me to pay ten pound a day till the end of the month for petrol to get him to work.....I am tired of it and my finances are taking a nose dive but I feel so guilty what should I do
He needs to admit he has a problem and seek help. And avoid everyone to do with coke. Delete all there numbers and come off social media, and take up other activities.
Im in the same situation but i dont get my self in debt and you could say i have it under control... well sort of. Im lapsing once a month. And im 4 week clean today.. but he needs to change his lifestlye top to bottom.. and cut out every one to do with drugs. But the main thing is he needs to want it.. and more or less hit rock bottom.
It's hard. And having hurt my mother about 10 years ago in similar ways, I can also relate. He most definitely goes through deep feelings of guilt and there are times he genuinely believes he's had enough, it's just not worth the latter results that drug use leaves a person with before they completely come down.
I don't think wanting to change is enough on it's own, or even having a really good reason such as a baby on the way.
The more people try to advise, the worse it can make things. And for those closest, the despair, the hurt and their own feelings of well, guilt. The bewilderment will lead to a range of emotions.
My mother never gave up on me. But alas we're all different do it's never going to be easy to offer advice that will help. My mother loved and loves me to this day. During those dark times it was her and my sister that remained throughout. Sometimes understanding, and sometimes anger. Always hurt and pity in their eyes. But they never judged me. The only ones.
What helped me was changing my surroundings. Yes I wanted to change. It was nearly too late. I couldn't believe I was stealing from my family and putting myself in some very dark and dangerous places. I changed my surroundings by pure chance several times, but it wasn't until I found "the right place" that I naturally just kicked the habit, literally overnight.
I had no money, I was with people that were aware of my situation, but i also had no access to the substance and was in a situation where i had to get on with things.
No one forced me. I don't really understand it myself. But I do believe that I'd advise anyone to maybe travel or go to stay with long lost relatives or friends, far, far away from the norm.
Thank you both.....I do love my son but it’s took me a long while to understand that my helping bail him out, negotiate with companies etc has just given him more scope to get in more debt. I asked him last night how much he owes dealers he says he doesn’t know he has pushed it to the back of his mind. I told him I won’t give him petrol money for work.....he is taking me down with him.....I feel bad and guilty and tearful.....I don’t know what to do
Firstly you need to back away, preferably with love. He may not think it’s with love and kindness at the time when you stop bailing him out, but in the long run it’s the only solution.
My husband was the addict, I can’t begin to think how hard it must be if it’s your child. It’s easier in a way to leave a spouse but when it’s your child, the thoughts of “what might happen to him” if you don’t help, I imagine must be overwhelming. In some ways though it’s helping to keep him stuck.
I recommend that you seek help, try Al anon they have been a life saver for me. They are mainly for families of alcoholics but drugs/gambling whatever it’s all addiction, so the principles are the same. They show you how to live again, how to regain some sanity, because I know how hard and emotionally draining it is.
Thanks for sharing that, I always find it really interesting listening to the addicts mindset, because from the outside it all seems mad and so irrational.
My husband tried many times to get clean, moved away various times, but each time he found ways of obtaining drugs, or switching one drug for another. He stopped coke but continued taking codeine etc. So where I’d always blamed the coke, his mood was just as awful on codeine. I don’t think it’s one particular drug that’s to blame, although coke it notorious for the extreme mood changes, it’s once the path has been crossed over into addiction that the problems start. That’s when the lying, the manipulation etc. Comes into play.
I like you, don’t understand it, eventually he just stopped. I worked on me and left him to do as he wanted. It was then, he chose another path for himself. So I’m thinking, it doesn’t matter where you are, how much your family threaten, or love you, nothing will stop you, until you reach that decision for yourself. I do agree, that when you’re in deep addiction, you need to get away, even temporarily, just so you’re out of that cycle, to then begin to contemplate another way of life. When my husband was deep in and using lots, nothing could have convinced him otherwise, once the money began to run out and I stopped caring, it seemed to loosen the grip.
I don’t know if my son got to work today or not....Otis hard being your child because I can’t bear the thought of him being on the streets......I hope that now I won’t help financially hisdecisions and choices will kick in.....I worry the dealers will hurt him....but what can I do ...if I paid the, offhe would see it as a clean slate and run up more drug debt. I hope when he has lost everything he will wake up......the other thing is a while back he took overdose of paracetamol and alcohol....he wasn’t kept in hospital but it is another thing to worry about
Hi Kate, I feel your pain and empathise with you wholeheartedly. My son, nearly 32, moved back home with us in February after his wife of 3 years couldn’t cope any more. They have a 15 month old son too. He’d run up gambling debts and drug debts and has literally bankrupt them but also myself and his dad. We have been naive in the whole situation and honestly thought things would change if he moved back home. He’s remorseful every couple of weeks but is lairy, or has no energy, blames everyone else for his situation and lies, lies, lies! He’s had counselling on and off for years but his last lot he says went well and now attends a weekly group session. The last year has been the worst I have ever known him to be and he admits to having been doing cocaine since he was a teenager. We always thought gambling was the real issue but he’s admitted that cocaine is the real problem. I’ve been emotionally blackmailed into giving him thousands with the threat of what the dealers will do to his wife and baby. He’s threatened ending it all many times. Today I checked a coat pocket of his where I knew there were used tissues and rolled up receipts and a scratch card that he obviously sniffs the lines from. I wish I hadn’t as I found a fresh used bag. I’ve tackled him about it and he denies it saying it was an old one from his wallet. I’d warned him if I found anything else he’d be out but after arguing by text I’ve backed down. I can’t kick him out. He says he’ll go but he has no money and nowhere to go. Why can I not detach myself from him he’s 32 for Christ sake. Myself and my husband have both been to counselling and my husband attends a group for families and friends but he doesn’t know about this incident today. His wife is a nervous wreck and she has now filed for divorce. He has debt companies chasing him because he hasn’t paid the loans he’s taken out to cover his debt. He has literally made us all pathetic, helpless and broke. As B8988 said he is paranoid about his wife having affairs accusing her of all sorts. She has now filed for divorce. He’s become isolated, he was once the life and sole and very well liked but I believe our community know what he is now and don’t bother with him. I’m waiting for him to come home after his meeting to see what he has to say but I really don’t know how much more we can take. Oh and alcohol is another issue, he can’t just have one he has to become absolutely hammered. What happened to our lovely, talented son ????????????.
It does sound very much like our situation.....I don’t know how this will end....I hope that losing everything will wake him up....I think if it doesnt sooner rather than later he will be dead....I cannot have him home as I live with my daughter and 7 year old grandson who I will not put at risk.......I am going to help get him to work next couple weeks then if he can’t pull it round....I can’t do anything
Wow. Some really brilliant posts. It's easy to forget sometimes the lies. And how as an addict you become proficient at it. Until it's all gone too far and you cant see that you're lies just don't work. The denial. But also the times when the come down off a mad binge for a moment genuinely makes you feel like, 'yes, I'm ready to stop, I hate myself, why am I like this ...'.
So many comments from this thread ring home. The cruel to be kind is the hardest. But also the comment about only the addict can stop it is so true.
If I could buy an island to treat people I know I could help. Too long winded to explain. But then it's the return to that place and the risk of relapse.
It's a lifetime battle. There really is no answer. And that may sound like a terrible thought. But what I mean is, there are ways, its finding it.
I joined the reserves. I don't know how I did it. But I stuck to it. I was in a place where I had to respect my abode, had good influences around me. And, at the risk of unsettling some of you, an older woman who helped in ways. Ah, so much to try and say. Not saying enough, coming out a bit rambled and incomplete.
Theres a film I'd recommend, 'Beautiful Boy'. But be warned, its quite powerful. Particularly for those of us that can relate.