My husband of 8 years has a cocaine addiction. It started when he was in his 20s before we got married, he was a daily addict and it got so bad I kicked him out. He got clean by himself (bar a few relapses) and I took him back, we got married and had two children together. They are 6 and 3.
I thought that part of his life was over but at the age of 35 he relapsed and is back in the throes of addiction again. Instead of using every day, he now goes on all night binges every 2-3 months where he is uncontactable. He’s spent thousands of pounds and there have been occasions where he has disappeared in the middle of the night and I’ve woken up and he’s not there. I’ve stopped all access to cash (at his request) but he still finds ways to buy the drugs.
The last time he called me at 5am asking that I transfer money to a bank account as he owed a dealer money and that he was in trouble. I didn’t transfer the money, it was all lies and he came home a few hours later.
My husband is a hardworking successful man who does everything for him family and I love him very much, but the addiction has changed his personality.
In the days after a binge he is sorry and tearful and appears to really want to kick the habit, but in the weeks that follow he buries his head in work and pretends nothing is wrong. He has tried going to meetings and counselling but he says they are not ‘for him’. He accepts that he has a problem but doesn’t want to be like ‘those people’ at the meetings.
If I try to confront him or discuss the problem he gets hostile and deflects the conversation to talk about something trivial that I have done or minimises the problem. It’s like talking to a brick wall. Even when we do have a meaningful conversation it’s all forgotten about the next day and he’s back to burying his head in the sand. Literally nothing I can say.
This has been going on for a year now and I can no longer live like this. The constant worrying, the shattered trust, the lies and the manipulation have just got too much for me. If he was in the right mindset then I’d support him in his recovery, but these relapses are his addiction and he’s not dealing with it.
He says if I kick him out he’ll go on a downward spiral which I obviously don’t want and my children will be devastated if he leaves but I can’t see him getting better without hitting rock bottom.
I feel as though whatever move I make now will upset my children. If he leaves they’ll be devastated but if he stays they will start to understand what’s happening and it will have a detrimental effect on them in the long term. At present he doesn’t use in the house and the children are completely unaware of what is happening.
My family are so worried about us but no one can give me any sound advice on whether he should stay or go. I feel as though I’m between a rock and a hard place.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.