So, big deep breath and time to get some of the burden I have been carrying about for 3 years off my chest.
Been together with this fantastic guy for nearly 15 years. First 12 years were great and just 'normal'.
Three years ago started to suspect something was not quite right ... although he probably hid it well over the first year, but things progressively worse since then. I honestly never thought he would touch drugs as we were both very anti drugs.
Usual problems started to become apparent - higher than average spending, late nights, disappearing for days ... but there were always excuses ... which were plausible.
Things seemed to calm down, went on holiday to Vegas last August and ended up getting married. However, as soon as we returned home, things started to build to a point, where at my wits end, I contacted local GP and he was sectioned for 7 days. Admitted to me that he had a major cocaine addiction (worse than I ever imagined). The cocaine addiction seems to also have lead to an alcohol dependence.
Since last August, this has literally been a year from hell. Really vicious arguments on a daily basis - the ones that really cut to the bone with some of the things that are said. Sometimes its like playing bingo as I can almost guarantee what things are going to be thrown in my face - I can sit there with the board and pen and mark them off.
I now cannot remember the last time life felt normal. The definition of normal seems to change on a weekly basis, but I just feel like I am going further and further into the rabbit hole.
The list of of issues just continues to grow and grow. Constantly finding empty bags of cocaine lying around the house - sometimes hidden, sometimes not. Cut off straws. 10+ cans of lager/cider every night, never coming to bed, lies, broken promises and randomly disappearing at weird times, total lack of interest in anything.
Bizarrely, all this now seems normal as the thing I am really struggling to deal with is his mental health. It is genuinely like living with 2 people - one nice and one nasty. I'm constantly walking on eggshells - watching what I say. However, it really does not matter as whatever I do say ... it will always be wrong.
I have gone through every emotion with this - shouting and screaming, crying, to biting my tongue, saying nothing or wanting to throttle him. Nothing has any effect as his brain seems add 2 + 2 and ends up at 65. Its like something pops into his head ... and it becomes true. We have gone from sharing everything to him being ultra suspicious of everything. I have been accused of having an affair (in fact, I have a list of 35 people I have been accused of being with). He had a camera in the house to monitor things. I even pop on my location tracker in Whatsapp if I go out .... all just to keep the peace.
Tonight's just the final straw through. Having had no respite from the drink (and possibly some cocaine) I get accused of cheating yet again (this is the 3 time this week). Blazing argument and he's off out.
Personally this is killing me. I cannot eat,have lost over 1 stone in weight and a proper sleep is unheard off. I work for myself had have lots of day to day stress to deal with, and the certainly does not help.
I suppose what I am looking to find out is ..... is there a way back from all this. I keep reading about people needing to find the bottom of the barrel, but at this rate i'll be the one in an early grave first.
Where should I turn to for help - for me and him? If he does not want the help I cannot make him. I read up pages and pages on how to approach the subject. Tried the 'i'm concerned about you' earlier tonight and literally got the face torn off me in response.
This would be so easy if I did not love this person. I would have been long gone years ago. However, things are never that easy :-(
Thank you for listening x