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Husband relapsed

I don’t even know how I feel tbh.

So 7 months clean (again) and after an argument between me and my husband (Thursday evening), partly my fault he just went.

I wasn’t happy he was still in contact with a school friend who is on a downward spiral (mainly due to taking speed daily for years) he left his wife of 20 years and two kids to shack up with some foreign girl,his friend also treated me awfully last year, trying to separate me from my husband just so he’d have someone to partake in drug binges with, my husband defended him saying he might be depressed.

It then triggered me to think how poorly I’ve been treated in the past, by my husband, so I ranted at him at some of the awful things he’d done and asked why he’d never attended any meetings in 7 months. He got defensive quickly and said his recovery was nothing to do with me and he is going to start seeing a counsellor next week. He become annoyed that I wouldn’t let him forget some of the things he felt awful for whist in active addiction.

Whilst I was at my al anon group, I received a text off my daughter to say he’d gone missing. I come home to find his clothes gone and he hadn’t even told his kids he was leaving. He’d just biked off. Leaving my 13 year old to watch the other 3, one being our 10 month old baby. His google history said he had searched for hotels in the area.

He didn’t respond to any of my messages, only to say he was alive. He refuses to tell me where he is! He’s saying he’s not on drugs and wants time away to decide if he now wants to be with me as he doesn’t think I’ll ever let by gones be by gones.

I’m sorry but that’s not right. You don’t just up and leave your kids alone and not even tell anyone you are going! His behaviour each time gets worse, he seriously finds new ways to surprise me each time.

I went round to see a recovering alcoholic tonight (20 years sober) and he said if he was ever serious about getting clean he’d go to meetings and learn steps, he’d make it his mission to stay clean. He said quitting is easy but staying stopped is not! Not unless he chooses to do that for himself.

He said it sounds like each time I’ve thrown him out, then he’s manipulated me and I’ve had him back. He said he could have been making plans to use for a while, he might have been waiting for his last probation meeting (next week) and then gone back to it. The argument between us just brought it forward.

I’m literally in shock that they can be this callous. I’ve asked him so many times what his cravings are like and he said he could just dismiss them.

The bloke from AA said it wasn’t my fault as no amount of arguing makes someone relapse, they choose to do that themselves.

He told me I need to get rid of him for good this time, because he’s not ever really hitting rock bottom.

Wherever he is, he hasn’t gone to work either, I had his boss call round to see where he was. I had to lie. But he only started the job on Wednesday.

I can’t believe I text him trying to get him to do the right thing, and he’s basically ignoring me.

It’s awful how quickly they revert back.

Just wondering also why has his behaviour become so reckless? Maybe it’s because it’s progressive and it only gets worse and worse.

I just feel awful but know I need to be strict this time and leave!

The bloke from AA told me I need to think of the worst thing he could do, to me it would be to cheat and he said he probably had as nearly all addicts, lie, cheat steal etc. I need to drum it into myself that this person only has one thing ever in his mind and that’s cocaine.

He said addicts don’t really love anyone because they are emotionally unavailable. He told me he even missed seeing his nan dying of cancer in hospital because it would hinder his drinking.

I’m just so upset. He said if I truly loved him I need to let him go because I’m enabling his addiction to stay for longer by not kicking him out!

1 reply

replying to B8988

Gutted. I can understand you feeling awful.

I think if you truly love him you cannot let him go. It's not possible in my opinion. But probably stop contacting him , let him contact you. Let him hit rock bottom.

Its an excuse him telling you that you won't let bygones be bygones. A good enough one in his mind to walk out and put his needs first. He would have used the argument as his excuse to go.

I can understand the 'emotionally unavailable' that sounds like my 'husband' in fact it describes him quite well nowadays.

It is not right him walking out and leaving the kids alone. I don't know if you remember my 'husband' left me, just went. It was six months later that I found out about his addiction. He is reckless, didn't go to work.

I can also remember him defending a mate of his. Not to me but to a friend of ours he totally went on one when she said the person was a waste of space. He told her his was a respectable business man and was a different person nowadays. Do you know what, without the cocaine he would have said he was a waste of space and he had said so for years. But he started going around with this chap because he could take all the coke he wanted with him in tow. It's all about them and their needs.

Try and look after yourself whilst he is going through his episode. We will never understand their thoughts and their addiction, how can we it's not what we call normal.

1 reply

replying to Hox

You can prepare for it all you like but when it happens it knocks the wind out of your sail.

I feel depressed, anxious and generally deflated, but I still have to go to work tomorrow and I still need to look after 5 kids. It drives you mad how selfish they are!

Leaving the kids in my opinion is inexcusable, we can try and be as empathetic as we like about it being an illness but there has to be consequences to their actions otherwise he will just get worse!

I have never gone two days without him ever contacting me before, in the past it was always something, whether it be to ask if the kids were ok, to say sorry or to dish out abuse. This time nothing!

I don’t know why I’m so bothered when he’s clearly not thinking of anyone but himself.

If I do manage to build myself up after this I don’t ever see a way back for us. That’s a whole new emotion to deal with (acceptance).

replying to B8988

It does knock the wind out of your sails, like you say there is no preparing. Nothing is normal what they do anymore. Selfish is an understatement.

You are right about it being inexcusable leaving the children and are spot on about them getting worse if there are no consequences to their actions. Their addiction can become their excuse for everything they do.

I have been depressed for fourteen months and I tortured myself not going to the docs. I was anxious and deflated, not sleeping and I developed bruxism too. I couldn't take it anymore i'm now on anti depressants and am going to CBT and am feeling more level if you know what I mean. The tablets numb me.

I have to go to work too to keep everything going. It has been a struggle and we haven't got kids.

We bother because we loved the person they were before the addiction took a hold of them. Before sniffing coke my 'husband' didn't flinch at anything that life threw at us. Now he runs away.

I don't know how you can build yourself up after this as I'm still trying myself. I wish I had a magic wand to take all our misery away I really do. I'm trying to deal with being on my own too after all these years.

1 reply

replying to B8988

B8988 are you alright? Have you heard anything from him. In my experience, much as you want to treat him like he's treating you, punish him by ignoring him, something inside us just wont allow us to do that, right?

I feel so sad reading your post about the relapse, you were only pre-empting this last week, maybe you have a sixth sense and knew it was coming before he did!

A magic wand would be great!

replying to Ash2013

Read my reply to that lost girls post hun. I’m actually feeling ok.

He turned his phone off for 4 days said wasn’t on drugs, didn’t think he wanted to be with me.

As soon as I backed off I’ve had the lot today whilst I’ve been at work, suicide threats, threats to disclose my secrets, him being nice, him being vile! Basically he’s acting so crazy and irrational I’m quite enjoying being able to see it for what it is.


I don’t want anymore of it, I’m done!

They say when you’re done, you’re done and I feel totally different. Today is the turning point.

I am no longer seeing anything good about him. That is helping a lot!

Hope you’re well x

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