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Looking for advice

I've been with my husband for 12yrs, married for 6 and we have two young children (5&3). I've always been aware of his past dabbling with drugs and since I've been with him he has on occasions taken cocaine. I'm not a fan of drugs, have never done them and never will, but so long as it didn't impact on me I turned a blind eye. Several years ago his father died after a long battle with alcoholism and my husband has never really dealt with his feelings on this. After having our children I suffered with my own mental health issues or a while and this obviously added to the strain on our relationship, but I am now in a much better place, having received help from my GP and local counselling services. Our marriage has been in an increasingly difficult place, and I have become more and more concerned with my husband's alcohol and drug use. I recently found out he has taken drugs, both at home when on his own and also during family occasions. I have now accepted that he has a problem and I think he has realised this too, however he has yet to seek proper help. My main concern is our children. As a primary school teacher myself, I'm well aware of safeguarding protocols and I suppose I need to think practically about how this may affect them and potentially my career as well. I already do everything in my power to shelter them from the problems we are having but I'm aware children are very perceptive. Does anyone have any experience of drug misuse in a household with young children and how support services may become involved? I am seriously considering leaving him, but I'm also aware that this may not be the best way for him to reach a point where he gets the help he needs. I have to prioritise the children, but don't want to abandon him. Any advice?

1 reply

replying to Pep123

Hi Hun,

Please make him leave. I threw my husband out first time I caught him using coke in our house. I had him back as he downplayed it and claimed to be depressed. Etc. Look at my stories on here.

Basically once they are hooked on coke it’s basically no going back. They will lie that they won’t do it again, but they will. The lies will drive you insane. You’ll become ill, they become monsters!

Social services got involved with me twice, one because I made my children’s school aware straight away. I didn’t want it affecting my kids so I made sure they were doing well at school. This automatically alerted social services, I have nothing to hide as I never willingly allowed it. As soon as I suspected he was under the influence, I’d throw him out!

The only problem with this, was that I’ve repeatedly taken him back in hope that he’d change. They did say this was unhealthy for children to have their dad coming and going.

Basically after a 7 month abstinence he did a runner Thursday night. He hasn’t come home since. With very little word from him, only that he now doesn’t know if he wants to be with me.

See there are few problems at first, but once they know they can’t get away with it they start becoming reckless and disappearing.

I’ve become ill over it. Save yourself now and act before it gets worse, thrust me it progresses and takes you down with it!

replying to B8988

Thank you for your response. My head is saying to do exactly this, and if I'm honest my heart is no longee in the relationship either, but preparing myself for the fallout of getting him to actually leave is my main concern. He can become very nasty when angry (Never physically violent, but very aggressive verbally) and the last time we talked about ending it, he tried to pull the "I'd have nothing to live for" card. He's quite good at 'punishing' people and I know he would make things as difficult as possible for me and I don't want this to effect the children more than it needs to. I've mentioned to him the idea of seeing a mediator, as I'd like support in moving on, but I doubt he'll be interested. Good luck with you situation as well. And thanks again

1 reply

replying to Pep123

Pep123,

As an ex Teacher and Cocaine user I’ve had some experience in your situation so I can give you my version if it helps. I have to say that without getting some professional help for him then unfortunately he’s going to continue taking but I’m sure you already know that but what you can do is start by giving him some options. His ultimatum is he must attend regular drug counselling and especially agree to screening/testing on his urine. Yes it sounds extreme but it’s the only way to get some commitment from him with regards to the children. It’s a sure fire way to gauge his commitment to get clean. Cocaine is fearlessly addictive and basically prevents you from telling the truth to anyone you love and both me and my fellow addicts would have dug up our dead grandmas and sold their bones just to satisfy our addiction! He will never stop this on his own and I can guarantee that so please be super strong and strict when you sit down and give him the ultimatum. I nearly lost everything I loved and yet lost the one thing I loved more than everything, and that was Cociane I’m afraid. I love my child and wife and now I’m free but one drug can easily be replaced by another so voluntary drug testing and good professional help is your best option. Otherwise, if he won’t agree to help for the kids sake, Drop him like a hot potato. Take care

replying to Retroheadz

Hi there, can I ask you something from an addicts perspective. Do you still feel love?

My husband tells me he loves me all the time, I’ve never doubted it, but when he becomes reckless on coke he tries to push me away. He’s done a runner since Thursday (claiming to blame a argument for the reason he’s left), despite a 5 year addiction where he lost nearly everything, he finally admitted he was an addict and had 7 months clean, but he never attended meetings and always thinks he can do it himself. This has happened twice now! He never seems to learn or maybe doesn’t want to.

He never seems to have the desire to go to meetings. He arranges then but misses appointments claiming work, or family commitments get in the way! Does this mean he isn’t serious about quitting? Someone told me they tell you what you want to hear to come home, then secretly plant a seed when to use and blame anything and everyone as to why they’ve relapsed. Or in my husbands case now denying he’s back using.

when I think it’s moving forward, it all goes back.

If he tries to come back this time I’m going to say no. Not until maybe a few years have passed. It has to be for the long term now! I love the real him, but can’t keep doing it to myself or my kids. After that time I doubt I’d want to risk it all again anyway.

replying to Pep123

Hi.

As an addict myself I can confirm your husband will say anything to get what he wants, it's not that he wants to be this way its just the coke has taken over.

I suggest when he is feeling the least cravings and most determined, normally the early morning after, that you ask him to delete the numbers and make him ask anyone he knows that can get it to help him by not selling to him until at least a few months. That has helped me cut right down but for me if I know that in some time in the future I can use again with control back on my side and with extreme caution, its not as daunting as the thought of never feeling the initial buzz again.

It's a extremely dangerous drug, and this is coming from a successful middle aged family man. Any questions you have I will answer honestly

replying to Pep123

B8988,

Hi, yes I do still feel love but my craving and addiction has taken over so badly that love never comes first. Everyone I know and I know many who suffer this disease say the same and it’s almost like we all share the same thoughts. In some form or another I’ve been an addict for 20 years and my wife has stuck with me. Maybe I’ve brainwashed her! At the moment I am only taking tablets to fight the cravings but it still affects me and my relationship. I’m a horrible person at times and I’m an expert at telling lies and starting arguments just so I can get high/give in to the cravings so I wish I could say to you that things can change but they won’t. He’s going to try everything in the book until you realise it’s a lie or you are financially and emotionally destroyed. I’ve seen it many many times before with some very successful friends. My advice to you don’t tolerate anything other that guarantees and results, include drug tests.

As you have said, you don’t want to risk it again so don’t let them kids suffer because you love the real him, it’s not him. If he’s strong enough then he will do it. I hope you have the strength.

1 reply

replying to Pep123

I have a question, when my husband would take cocaine and/or alcohol, I noticed he wouldnt be on whatsapp much, otherwise his last seen would be 5 min ago, 10 min ago, etc but when high, his last seen would be hours ago. Whats that about? Appreciate they high but for someone who is always on the phone, seems a little odd especially when he was able to answer the phone and have a normal(ish) conversation which indicates he wasnt totally out of it.

1 reply

replying to Stillhopeful2019

Probably/definitely on porn or gambling sites. My husband would go on them for hours and hours when high. He said you always need to be doing something, especially with your hands. Omg too much info - sorry!

replying to Pep123

OMG B8988 I just saw your messages, he's gone? after 7 months clean. What a blow. Like me we both know it'll come, just living in hope that one day then they stop it's for good and not just lip service. I'm so sorry :(

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