I made my account today, after feeling so exhausted dealing with my husband's alcohol abuse that I don't really know what else to do. I feel all alone with this because I moved Country to live with my husband and although I have made friends and get along really well with his family, I don't have any of my own family or my really close, childhood friends, so I feel like this is a battle I have to face for myself.
What's extremely hard for me is my father is and always has been an alcoholic, and I promised myself I would not go down that path, but I know it is common to fall into these situations, it still really hurts.
My husband is Jeckyl and Hyde - the man I love and married is the sweetest, most cooperative person in the world, the only man I want to have my life, children, and future with. I can't possibly consider any other life than the one with this man. But when he drinks, he becomes truly evil. He is incredibly aggressive (though never laid a hand on me and I know he won't, this is the only thing I have faith in) like he used to always smash furniture, now he more just "bangs" things or threatens to smash things, but mostly he just says whatever he can to bring me down to his level and make me as miserable as he is. He will insult me, whistle at me like a dog, and just say whatever below the belt things he can. The problem is I am not meek, I will scream and shout back, even though I know it doesn't help, I can't help myself, I am so angry and frustrated. I have tried every trick in the book - to ignore him, move to another room, whatever. It doesn't work, he will keep shouting at my face until he breaks me, slam on the door of the room I'm in etc.
He drinks during the day then comes home late so I cannot escape the house, I have to get up for work after all.
So there is no escape from him.
The only moment I feel relief is when he falls asleep, but this can take all night.
Today feels more difficult than other times because we are flying back to the UK tomorrow for my Uncle's funeral, he passed very suddenly and everyone loved him, this has been hard on the family and also on me being so far away from him and them all. My husband has a pattern of always having one of his drinking episodes the night before I have something important, but this one makes me furious. I need him so badly right now, this is why I have a partner is to support me, I am supporting him through thick and thin and getting nothing in return, and he still cannot be here for me.
He goes to weekly therapy sessions and takes Antabuse but he still drinks, it is too weak or his tolerance is too high, many times he simply lies about taking it, and he will drink at least 3 times a week, and is just awful whenever he does. But then the other days he is so apologetic and makes me feel like I could never leave him. I feel weak to the love I have for him when he is being good, even though I feel devastated and like I can't go on during the days he drinks.
I just don't know what to do. I feel like I have lost my entire self in this process, I was doing so much self care when I met him and now four years in everything is just about him and his abuse. I feel that I have tried everything, we have done therapy (though couples therapy is too expensive to maintain regularly), he goes to his meetings, I go to therapy by myself. I try to indulge in my hobbies but nothing helps, my entire life is around him. I call him several times a day worrying about him coming home late knowing he's been drinking, I spend all the daytime worrying about whether it will be a good or bad night. All my thoughts go into it. I have become a shriveled mess, I have such little joy in so few things and I am obsessing over his every move. We have had 1001 conversations about it, when he is good he says and does all the right things which gives me hope and keeps me holding on, but he always goes back. I am also 24 and he is 32, yet I feel like his mother, I take care of him, the house, accounts, and everything. Tonight I have packed both of our suitcases for tomorrow, cleaned the house, done laundry, dishwasher, changed sheets. Bear in mind this is not our agreement, I have also held a steady and demanding job our entire relationship, been the sole bread winner for a while as he has done a late Master's degree.
I only had dinner and he still asked for half of my food and I gave it to him hoping it would line his stomach from the booze, and if that's not a metaphor I don't know what is - taking from my own plate to give him 1.5 portions and then being starving myself after.
Now I should be sleeping for getting up early tomorrow but it's so late and I'm so wired and upset. I have tried to ask for a separation three times we have been living separately, but each time I get weak after a while, miss him desperately and just want him home, but of course he comes back and is good for a bit, gives me what I missed, and then my tolerance builds. He builds me up and breaks me down. My therapist says I need to try to be understanding as his issue is physiological and I do my best telling him I'm proud when he's been honest that he's drunk and telling him I understand it's hard for him when he's doing bad, but even still later he starts screaming in my face, throwing his ring at me, tonight he has said he won't fly with me to the funeral tomorrow. I am so hurt and dejected.
Please help, even just getting some replies here from others who understand will make me feel that little bit less alone. Thanks for reading.