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Cocaine - really is the road to ruin

Heartbroken

One week before Christmas (2019) my partner of 22 years left our family home, leaving us all devastated. He basically admitted using cocaine "on and off" for the last six months (Dec 2019), but said he hasn't got an issue with it (yeh right).

Leading up to him leaving he had not came home one night whilst he was on his works Christmas party, but told me that he had "stayed at a friend's place playing cards". His behavior had changed, cold, distant, nasty, telling me he did not know what he wanted anymore" etc. Finally he admitted going home with a stranger and what's more attempted to have unprotected sex - I say attempted Because he said he could not perform. He relished in telling me all the sordid details which broke my heart - all in front of one of our older children. Apparently she gave him a BJ and then said "it's not your thing is it" - nasty beyond words.

Before all this I can honestly say that he was a loyal, loving family man, however I can now hardly recognize the man he is now.

I was told after the confession that he no longer loves me (news to me), and that his unhappy and we were going through the motions. I am shocked as I like to think I am quite perceptive and would have picked up on whether he was unhappy or not but I can honestly say that a part from normal every day family struggles we were fine. I was then blamed for his drug use and everything else in his life that he views as negative.

My mother passed away in 2017 and he even mentioned how I withheld sex while I was grieving - like I said already he was so nasty to me it's heartbreaking.

I asked him to leave and he went straight away. His since asked for money, blamed me still and denied having an issue with cocaine. What hurts is that he continues to blame me for his destructive behaviours and hardly bothers with our two children. We also have a family pet dog who is on her last legs which he used to love - nope he just doesn't seem to care about any of us. It's as though we are not existent.

He is living with his mother who has apparently taken him to the doctors and they have prescribed medication, however if he is still using cocaine I can't see how affective that would be. His mother is a vindictive women that could possibly do more harm that good.

I've got so low in mood I've taken time off work - two months now, lost a stone and half, and even considered ending my own life. I have literally been left heartbroken. I feel as though I was blindsided and robbed of my life. I've been with this man since I was 17 years old and I have to say that I miss the man I once knew.

I feel lost and because I'm dealing with everything as he has projected it on to me without an apology I feel as tho my own recovery will take longer. I can't seem to let go. Although, I also can't get over the betrayal. I'm gutted. People say "you deserve better" but in truth that's unhelpful, although probably right because no one deserves this shit.

What I'm struggling with is the blaming. Does he really believe I'm to blame? Perhaps it's denial on his part I don't know l, but how can I be responsible for him lying, taking drugs and cheating on me. I've even blamed myself which is upsetting also. I keep crying and I'm gutted that this drugs has torn my family apart.

replying to Kel1

Hope your ok kel, but 1st of.. dont even think about taking your life for your husbands actions, especially when you have children. Would you really want them be left with him? Try and be strong i know its hard. But we all know kids come 1st.

Plus none of this is your fault! Cocaine makes you make so many excuses just to get coke. Its called emotional relapse. Its just an excuse to go get coke. Depending on the situation.

So stop blaming youself. We make our own decisions in life. You didnt force him to do it.

He wont change until he is ready to. I know you dont want to hear this. But you are best off out of there kel, and you really need to stop listening to his bullshit, rise above it, show him you are not bothered. Let your hair down and go out with a friend and try and be happy. I know its easier said then done but your just gonna make yourself worse.

Im struggling with coke as well. But mine is just a weekend thing or every few week. I hate the stuff. And i am trying so much to stop. I even downloaded a yoga app last night so im going to try that this week.

There is so much you can do to stop or control it. He just needs to want to.

replying to Kel1

Thanks Dan, and I'm it's great that you are trying recovery. I've started to attend Al Anon so that I can get some support and try to detach from it all. All I do is search my mind every minute of the day working out how someone can change so quickly.

At the moment he isn't even contacting the kids which also makes me feel guilty. It's like his piled all responsibilities onto me and I've taken them on.

I'm currently off work which has been two months now and I still don't feel ready to go back. I'm so drained and now developed an anxiety issue.

Recently his asked me for 7k to get him started again In life - what a joke. I doubt it's for a place to live.

I'm up and down at the moment - thoughts are not so often now thankfully and a bit easier to manage. I'm just so scared and can't believe this man has changed so much.

I don't think he wants help. Seems to be enjoying this new life sadly. He acts so out of character, however I've been told he now has depressive episodes - come downs I'm sure but his mother is not listening to me about his drug issues.

I'm just lost Totally lost.

replying to Kel1

Danman is right. Don't blame yourself, you didn't make him have coke. It was his choice and he has ruined his life and yours too. It is heartbreaking.

My husband said he didn't love me anymore. Cocaine changes you. One day you are blissfully happy next day they are gone. They don't care anymore. As sudden as that, you are not alone there are loads of us in this situation.

Definitely don't listen to his bull shit.

replying to Kel1

Thanks for the support. I think it's that what I am struggling with the most - the sudden change. He had literally transformed into the most selfish person I've ever come across. My poor girls are at a loss also I can see it on their faces. My little family unit is now just us.

This all happened one week before Xmas imagine the horror on all our faces. Selfish!. He told me to tell nobody that he cheated on me which meant for some time I had no support. That didn't last though because I was so stressed people could see it on my face.

Most people's husband's atleast try to come back tho - mine as fucked off completely. Taking even my right to decide whether I want him back or not. Stripped me of even my dignity.

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replying to Kel1

Ye its not good for the kids that. But dont blame yourself. Its his loss and he will regret it in the end. I wouldnt give him any money either. Your mad if you do. Go treat you and the kids to some family time instead. He will pay off what he owes.. and then just run another debt up. Dont fall for it.

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replying to Danman83

I wouldn't give him any money as I am sure it's going on drugs and not anything else. I'm sick of all the worry and stress he has caused all of us.

He is literally like a robot. I do wonder if it affects everyone that way. He has no emotions

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replying to Kel1

I guess it depends how bad you are on it really

replying to Danman83

Well he said he was using on and off for about six months, but I tested him twice within two weeks and both tests positive for cocaine and cannabis. I reckon he was using daily to be fair or at least three times week judging by the running nose, sneezing, dilated eyes, talkativeness and mood swings. My God I was blind, I put it down to midlife crisis but all the while I guess it was the other stuff

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replying to Kel1

Ye it makes you do a lot of hiding and lying.

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