One week before Christmas (2019) my partner of 22 years left our family home, leaving us all devastated. He basically admitted using cocaine "on and off" for the last six months (Dec 2019), but said he hasn't got an issue with it (yeh right).
Leading up to him leaving he had not came home one night whilst he was on his works Christmas party, but told me that he had "stayed at a friend's place playing cards". His behavior had changed, cold, distant, nasty, telling me he did not know what he wanted anymore" etc. Finally he admitted going home with a stranger and what's more attempted to have unprotected sex - I say attempted Because he said he could not perform. He relished in telling me all the sordid details which broke my heart - all in front of one of our older children. Apparently she gave him a BJ and then said "it's not your thing is it" - nasty beyond words.
Before all this I can honestly say that he was a loyal, loving family man, however I can now hardly recognize the man he is now.
I was told after the confession that he no longer loves me (news to me), and that his unhappy and we were going through the motions. I am shocked as I like to think I am quite perceptive and would have picked up on whether he was unhappy or not but I can honestly say that a part from normal every day family struggles we were fine. I was then blamed for his drug use and everything else in his life that he views as negative.
My mother passed away in 2017 and he even mentioned how I withheld sex while I was grieving - like I said already he was so nasty to me it's heartbreaking.
I asked him to leave and he went straight away. His since asked for money, blamed me still and denied having an issue with cocaine. What hurts is that he continues to blame me for his destructive behaviours and hardly bothers with our two children. We also have a family pet dog who is on her last legs which he used to love - nope he just doesn't seem to care about any of us. It's as though we are not existent.
He is living with his mother who has apparently taken him to the doctors and they have prescribed medication, however if he is still using cocaine I can't see how affective that would be. His mother is a vindictive women that could possibly do more harm that good.
I've got so low in mood I've taken time off work - two months now, lost a stone and half, and even considered ending my own life. I have literally been left heartbroken. I feel as though I was blindsided and robbed of my life. I've been with this man since I was 17 years old and I have to say that I miss the man I once knew.
I feel lost and because I'm dealing with everything as he has projected it on to me without an apology I feel as tho my own recovery will take longer. I can't seem to let go. Although, I also can't get over the betrayal. I'm gutted. People say "you deserve better" but in truth that's unhelpful, although probably right because no one deserves this shit.
What I'm struggling with is the blaming. Does he really believe I'm to blame? Perhaps it's denial on his part I don't know l, but how can I be responsible for him lying, taking drugs and cheating on me. I've even blamed myself which is upsetting also. I keep crying and I'm gutted that this drugs has torn my family apart.