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First alcohol, now drugs...

I honestly don’t even know where to start but I remember being on here along time ago and seeing a woman talk about a similar situation so I hope I can find someone to talk to...

So, my boyfriend is a functioning alcoholic who knows he has a problem, went to AA, quit and has said multiple times he knows it’s a problem. We broke up for a while last year mainly because of it and he told me that wasn’t the life he wanted and would sort himself out and got on to studying a course he’s wanted to do for a long time.

When he started this course I noticed his behaviour with alcohol became worse and worse and I couldn’t cope which is where I found al-anon. Al-anon has been brilliant in helping me cope with my own life and to focus on me. I really thought it was giving our relationship a fighting chance because although he was verbally abusive and horrible when he drank, the sober man is an amazing man and I love his family.

I just found out that as well as drinking and the odd bit of weed (which I knew about and didn’t have an issue with) he’s been taking cousin for nearly half our relationship (we have been together a few years). I had always made it clear that hard drugs are an out right no for me. When he wasn’t paying his way at home he was driving about taking it and once nearly got caught by the police which I thought was a drink thing.

This story is so long but the main point is that the man I’ve loved and planned a life with has been lying to me and I feel so betrayed. Betrayed that he lied to me which is a huge thing for me and that he lied to me about something I’m so against. He’s got himself into some sticky situations and now I’m realising that what I thought was a drunk boyfriend causing bother was a boyfriend on alcohol and cocaine.

He has just gone through a bereavement and it was someone very close to him. I then find out that when the family got together and he disappeared off with his uncles, they were doing it together.

I don’t know what to do or think or feel. Because of Corona virus, he may have to come home and I don’t know if I want him near me, I don’t know if I can find a way past this and if I do, I don’t know how I wouldn’t be more controlling. I don’t want those particular family members around me and never will but how am I supposed to explain that? I can’t control his life or finances but I feel like I’d need some kind of control.

I also don’t know if I should tell anyone. I’m close to my brother and his sister has been a huge help in the past but his mum couldn’t find out as she already suffers from mental health issues and I think it would break her because I’ve sat with her enough times talking about the person we thought he was and alcohol being the worst.

Can anyone relate? Has anyone got any advice? This is all so new and I don’t know what to think or feel...

replying to Gabbyf

I’m not sure I can help much but I can totally relate so will say you are deffo not alone.

My partner is very similar although we haven’t been together so long. Recently the lies have been around me telling him he can’t borrow money and then finding out he’s borrowed it elsewhere and got in some really sticky situations.

I’m missing the person I met who was funny , outgoing and kind. He is now currently depressed and sleeping all day and last night said he wanted to die (again). Just when I think he’s doing better, something new comes out the woodwork. I know I need to cut my losses or he will drag my very successful life down. And I’m at the point where it’s him or me - and I choose me. I’m also desperate to help him. It’s really hard so I feel for your situation xx

replying to Gabbyf

I feel for you too! I totally get what you’re saying. You meet what you think is someone you can have a future with then learn they’re someone else...

I decided to tell his sister and she’s told his mother. I know he’ll hate me but I love him and do want what’s best for him. I don’t know if it’s something I can get past but I can only take each day as it comes.

I think all we can do is deal with ourselves and make sure we don’t ruin our lives and we all have different coping mechanisms.

I feel sick to my stomach but I know I can only control myself so same goes for you. I hope you both find a happy way forward xx

1 reply

replying to Gabbyf

We didn’t cause the addiction, we can’t control it and we sure as hell cant cure it. Just mind yourself. My partner is a heroin addict and I’m struggling to set myself free from it for years. Save yourself if you have the strength too .

replying to Char2020

I know it’s not my fault but I just can’t leave him, at the moment anyway. My head is telling me to run and my heart is trying to find a way through it.

I hate that I can’t just walk away to be honest.

1 reply

replying to Gabbyf

I feel exactly the same. I think a point will come when we can walk away but for us it’s not right now unfortunately.

replying to Char2020

I really hope we both do what’s best for ourselves in the end. I hate caring about someone who doesn’t seem to think about me. I really try to understand the addiction side of things but it’s gets to a point where I can’t make that an excuse for his negative behaviour in our lives...

2 replies

replying to Gabbyf

Hi guys thought I would jump on this chat to reach out, I have been with my boyfriend for three months long distance he lives 4 hours from me however we have seen each other every weekend, we have got so close so quick, I recently

Realised he has a drink and drugs problem which I highlighted two weeks ago. He has a high paid job and is very busy with other projects he has on the go, he has a two years son and going through a divorce at the moment. Recently he has said he is on a soul searching period and wanted space as he doesn’t feel

Himself at the moment. This is probably the longest he has been sober and drug free for (two weeks) since I mentioned it. I can’t help but feel like he’s pushing me away? I’ve not eaten for a week and I’ve got constant anxiety that he’s not going to come back to me, is it usually for someone to try and push you away whilst battling an addiction? I feel like I can’t ask him but support him, but secretly I’m really suffering myself with not knowing whether he wants to be in a relationship

Or not. I have fell in love with him and don’t want a future without him

replying to Harl

I honestly get where you’re coming from. I’m in such a dark place at the moment. I’ve had to work from home so I’m alone, he came back home today because of the scares and instead of coming home to me, he went to his mums.

I wish I had an answer for you but I don’t. All I know is that I love someone who may not be able to love me back the way I need and it kills me that I don’t have the power to just walk away.

I told one of his family members and after a bit of a chat, I haven’t heard from them which has made me feel even more alone because I can talk to my family or it would change everything.

Loving an addict is so isolating and I guess all we can do is let them know how we feel and take their actions as them explaining what they want because words are just words.

1 reply

replying to Gabbyf

Thanks for replying

Yes i agree, I don’t want to leave him and he’s suddenly changed into this person I don’t recognise at the moment when the last three months he was all lovey, maybe I am the one who has pointed out he has a problem which he’s got away with for ten years so it’s me he’s pushing away whilst he battles with it. But you are right I feel alone at the moment and feel like no one will know my pain. I haven’t ate since Thursday! If feels good to reach out on this forum so thank you ladies

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